Chapter Nine: Caught in an Undertow
Disclaimer: I'm terrible at sticking to plans. This had a mind of its own.
Dorian's words had impacted her in a way she hadn't expected. Killing. It was easy for them wasn't it? Taking a life without thinking about it. Or so she thought. The way Dorian spoke of it so casually. Was it really all there was to it? Kill or be killed? Ash shuddered. For the first time since she had wound up in Skyhold, she felt out of place. She felt afraid. This wasn't like her life. This wasn't home. Taking a life held a lot of weight. Sure, in video games that was easy. But it wasn't real. And this, this was turning out to be real. More real than she had expected. And the thing was, none of them would be able to understand where she was coming from. How little death had touched her life would seem strange to them. She turned where she lay wide awake on her bed, vaguely aware of the early morning light filtering through her door. She hadn't been able to sleep all night; her mind was running much too fast for that. Solas. She had to talk to him. If anyone could figure out how to get her home, it was him. Maybe this was some weird Fade thing and that was the key to her getting home. She had to go home. Now. She rose and left her room quickly.
"Solas?" she called softly, not wanting to alert half of Skyhold's library to her presence. Solas was bent over his desk, looking over some book, with his back to her. He straightened at her voice and turned. When his eyes fell on her, he squared his shoulders and his hands clasped together in front of him. His eyebrow rose, a question. Ash took a breath. "I-I was wondering if I could, um, talk to you?" she managed to say. Her thoughts were muddled at the moment and coherent speech was hard to come by. His shoulders relaxed ever so slightly.
"What would you like to speak of?" he asked.
Ash glanced upwards where she knew Leliana and her ravens were waiting and watching. "Perhaps, somewhere...more...less, rather, open?" she asked. "If that's alright."
Solas appeared to think for a moment and then inclined his head. "Very well," he said. "If you like." He followed behind her when she left for the stables and up to the battlements there. She leaned against the cold stone wall on her elbows. She could feel Solas standing close enough on her right.
"Do you think you could figure out how to send me home?" she asked. "I know it was brought up, but..." Ash chewed her lip, thinking.
Solas raised an eyebrow. "Yes," he said. "Though I was unaware you wanted to leave so badly. I had thought you wanted to stay. To help."
Ash looked down, resisting the urge to pace. In that moment she thought she understood how a caged animal felt. "I know," she said. "And I do want to help. I'll still do what I can. But I don't belong here Solas. I hadn't given myself time to really think about it, but I-" She sighed, overcome with sudden emotion. She strained to keep it from showing in her voice. "Everything's different. And I don't mean just the magic thing. I mean, the way everyone thinks. How everyone's ready for danger all the time or something. How easy it is for people to...kill. It's too much for me. I've never had to feel like that. I've never..." She couldn't find the words to continue.
"This is sudden," he said. "Forgive me. But have you thought this through? I know you will likely return to your world eventually. But you seem upset. Perhaps this is a decision for later?"
Ash mulled his words over and sighed. He was right. She was jumping to a decision. Her emotions were ruling her and she wasn't even sure exactly which emotions they were. She let out a shaky breath. "Okay," she said, shrugging her shoulders as if she could shrug off her worries. There was a span of time where neither of them said anything more, though Ash could feel Solas watching her. She shook her head and all but ran away from him and off the battlements without warning. She needed to walk, to move.
Her restlessness brought her out to the Skyhold grounds and she kept walking aimlessly. She didn't want to stand still, she couldn't. Not with her mind in so much turmoil. Her emotions were a mess. On the one hand, she was homesick, more so than she ever had been. But on the other, she was frustrated that she was feeling this way. It made her feel weak and useless. She hated it. And she hated that she couldn't help it. She scowled, angry at herself and needing an outlet. She stalked over to the practice dummies. Thankfully, Cassandra was absent, along with what seemed like everyone else. It was still too early for anyone to be awake. Ash swung a fist at the practice dummy. The soft thud that answered satisfied her immensely. She let another fist fly. Then another. And then she was punching, swinging her arms wildly, tears running down her face. She didn't ask for this. She didn't want this. This place. All of this. She wanted her house back, her cat, her friends. Goddammit. And it was all because of some stupid off-hand comment that she was blowing out of proportion. She stopped moving, hunched her shoulders over and realized she was out of breath. Her fists clenched and unclenched. Goddammit.
"You get that all out of your system?" a rumbling voice came from behind her. She froze and turned to face him slowly. Iron Bull stood, arms crossed, watching her face intently. Probably looking for every single subtle shift in her emotions. It pissed her off. Ash didn't want him reading her or whatever it was that he did. She glared.
"What?" she hissed at him. Then she cursed inwardly. She was acting like a child again. Bull hadn't done anything to her, he was just there, and that made him a target.
If Iron Bull was affected at all by her anger, he didn't show it. "Guess not," he said and uncrossed his arms. He tilted his head and planted his legs apart, hunching down slightly. "Alright. Come at me." Ash stared at him in disbelief, the wheels not turning fast enough. Iron Bull looked nodded his head towards the practice dummies. "Those obviously aren't helping all that much. And you need to hit something. So hit me." He held up a hand curling his fingers inward quickly in a 'come on' gesture. Her eyes narrowed. Here he was telling her what she needed with his stupid Ben-Hassrath crap. Iron Bull raised an eyebrow. "What?" he asked. "You think you could hurt me?"
That did it. As obvious as it was that he was trying to bait her, it worked. Ash felt her body snap and then she charged at Iron Bull, her fist connecting with the belt around his stomach. And the fury that she had unleashed upon the dummies was once again channeled to Iron Bull. And he stood, still as a statue. She could tell her wild and un-aimed punches were barely affecting him and that made her angrier. She threw her whole body into it, furious. That time she connected with one of Bull's ribs and he grunted. She stopped, panting, the tension finally drained from her. Ash wiped at her forehead and face. She had been crying again. Ash took a few steps back, not letting herself look him in the face. She was extremely embarrassed. That had not been one of her finest moments and Bull got to see all of it. She stilled.
"Don't do that," Bull said. Ash's head snapped up to meet his gaze. "Don't tense up again. Relax." She frowned at him, not understanding how very unaffected he was by her display. "No judgment here," he continued. "You really needed that." After a moment, Ash's shoulders slumped. She shifted on her feet, unsure of what to say. A shadow fell across her field of vision and she looked up to find Iron Bull right next to her. He placed a hand on her shoulder. It was heavy. "You don't have to hold all that back. Probably shouldn't make a habit out of exploding like that."
"Sorry," she mumbled. "I didn't mean for-"
He squeezed her shoulder lightly. "Relax," he said. It seemed like that was the only thing he ever told her to do. "If you don't, you're going to let your emotions take you over. And they'll eat you."
That shocked her. Iron Bull was being...gentle? It seemed absurd to her. Iron Bull and gentle didn't seem to be two concepts that went together. Much less that he was concerned about her emotions. She had always seen him as light-hearted and not really appreciating talking about emotions, especially his own. He never really seemed to...She frowned. Had all this shown in his romance scenes? That was unfamiliar territory. Ash's eyes widened. If it showed in his romance scenes then... Suddenly she remembered their kiss and his hand seemed to become heavier.
Iron Bull squeezed her shoulder lightly. "Hey, wild-cat," Bull said, snapping her out of her train of thought. "Stop. That going still and tense thing that you do. It's not good." Ash blinked.
"Why?" she asked. "How did you...why are you..." She couldn't seem to put the words together as mentally drained as she was. And she hadn't expected Iron Bull to be the one to comfort her.
"Ben-Hassrath training remember?" he said and let go her shoulder. He turned and walked to one of the trees, motioning for her to follow. He sat down against it and Ash debated before joining him. "Grew up learning how to manipulate people," he continued. "When it's a hostile target, you give them what they want. But when it's someone you care about, you give them what they need." He turned to level her with a stare. Ash's brain went still, before her face erupted in a blush.
She laughed, embarrassed. "Hostile, huh?" she said. "That's fair. I did get a little crazy. And I really wanted to hit things." She was looking anywhere except Bull's face.
"Hmm, but I think that's what you needed," he answered. Oh dear. She held her breath. Iron Bull was sitting next to her, all but directly claiming that he cared about her./p
"I-" she managed at last. "I...um." She fidgeted with her hands. The silence was choking her.
Iron Bull huffed out a small laugh. "I won't do anything you're not okay with," he said. "If anything I do or say makes you uncomfortable, just say the word, and it stops."
Her face was in flames. "But...why?" she asked. "Why me? You don't even know me? It doesn't make sense."
"Slow down," he said. "Yeah, I care about you a bit. You're a person. I like helping out. Ever hear about how I met Krem?" Ash nodded, remembering that that was how Bull lost his eye. "Does it have to make sense? Besides, I can tell you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Yet you act like you're all scared all the time. It's not you, though. And you're not even doing a good job at hiding it. I'm interested."
Bull never seemed to not surprise her. She was, again, at a loss for words. She was flattered, which was yet another unexpected thing to the long list that was turning into today. She shook her head. "I still-"
"There," he said. "That's your problem. You think too much. Trying to logic your way through things that you can't. Stop."
Ash raised an eyebrow. "What?" she said. "Stop thinking?"
"Yes," he said simply. "Like about why you're here. Just admit that there are some things that don't make any sense. You'll feel better." Ash didn't respond. She was unsure what, if anything, she should say. And for once, she let herself stop thinking. She coughed.
"So, um," she said. "What did you have in mind?" She watched his face and he grinned.
"Well," he said and suddenly his face was close, his arms on either side of her. Ash was aware of the bark of the tree behind her and she held her breath again. He really liked pinning her against things. Her mind went in another direction at the thought. Ash's world narrowed to a singular point. Skyhold didn't exist. She closed her eyes. Bull's hand gripped her chin.
"Look," he said. Ash opened her eyes. Iron Bull was gazing at her, expression dark with some emotion that was alien to her. It set alarms off in her head. When his lips met hers, however, Ash's brain froze.
This wasn't the kiss they had shared a few nights ago, in the dark. No. This...this was something else entirely. She forgot how to breathe. Ash couldn't help when her arms snaked around Bull's neck, attempting to draw him impossibly close. His hands were just as busy. One glided down her neck from her chin, palm lightly skimming over one of her breasts, only to grip her waist tight. The other never left it's anchor on her hip, gripping her as if she could even fathom trying to get away from him in that moment. She felt her body mold itself against his chest, pliant where he might as well have been stone.
There was a roar in her ears. She was aware of nothing but their body heat and how very much she wanted Iron Bull in that moment. The way he kissed her. Kissing had never been like this. She had never even glimpsed this sort of passion that she was finding Iron Bull to be capable of. Her head met the tree trunk, Iron Bull's teeth nipping at her lips. They parted and his tongue shoved its way into her mouth. Ash let out a noise from the back of her throat and Iron Bull responded with a throaty chuckle. Ash blushed, and tried her hardest to match him. She bit at his lips cautiously, shyly. Iron Bull's hand left her hip and pushed on the center of her chest. His mouth left hers and before she could complain of its absence, Bull's lips tugged at her neck. Ash tilted her head back, eyes seeing nothing but white. He nipped and licked down to her neckline and her arms went to her sides, fists forming to scratch at the ground.
Ash expected him, iwanted/i him, to tug her shirt downward, but she instead felt an absence of body heat. Her eyes opened to see that Bull had stood and was holding his hand out to her. Dazed, she took it and felt herself hauled up to her feet. She looked at him, blinking and all too aware of the heat flooding over and in her skin.
Iron Bull smirked. "Think on it?" he said. "No strings attached." Ash could only nod at him as he walked away. She shivered. Dear god, she needed a cold, cold dunk in a bucket of water.
Ash twirled in place, feet stepping out a rhythm that she hadn't known was in her. She raised the staff over her head and gathered her magic in her palms. She thrust it forward, using the staff as one would use a lighting rod-then brought the tip to sink into the ground with force. The lighting arched out, the static standing her hair on its ends, and Ash watched satisfied as it hit the practice dummy. It promptly turned to smoldering. She relaxed her shoulders, her grip, and wiped her hair back from her face. She turned to Dorian and Solas and grinned.
"I'm getting good at this," she said, pleased with herself.
Dorian grinned back. "I told you you would like it," he said. "Your talent with a staff is remarkable considering you just discovered magic a week ago."
She shrugged. "I don't know," she said. "I'm gifted? Maybe it has something to do with how I got here in the first place." She accepted the water-skin that Dorian held out to her.
Solas inclined his head. "That is certainly possible. Be that as it may," he said. "These targets are stationary. There is a difference when they are moving. You still need practice." Ash sobered slightly.
Dorian huffed. "Don't be a spoil sport Solas," he said. "Let her celebrate. Small victories and all that."
Ash shook her head. "No, he has a point," she said and smiled. "I won't let it get to my head too much. You all do want me to live, after all."
"Of course," Dorian said. "But you have gotten quite skilled this past week and there's not much more we can teach you." Dorian had a point. Since Sythari had taken Varric, Blackwall, and Bull to Crestwood to meet with Stroud, Ash had done nothing but practice. She had been dividing her days between Cassandra and Cullen giving her combat/weapons training, and Dorian and Solas giving her any and all magical combat training. So far, she knew how to defend herself fairly well with a shield, but Cullen had found she did better with daggers than with a sword. And she wasn't even all that great with daggers either, which was why Cullen suggested they focus on teaching her more defensive strategies rather than offense. Solas had her meditate for the first two days. He said that she should be better able to channel her magic at will. Once that had been dealt with, they had started staff work. This was when Dorian had joined, giving her pointers on how to wield it effectively (she still couldn't do so with his amount of style). Meaning Dorian taught her the full destructive potential of her magic. Overall, she had made immense improvements, and with that came an unshakable amount of confidence. She no longer felt weary by the prospect of having to join Sythari in actual battles, about killing. She wanted to make the best of it. And like Bull had said (she was NOT thinking about him), she was only making it more difficult on herself by trying to think through every little detail. The pieces would fall where they would and all she could do is keep up.
Ash smiled at Dorian. "Thanks," she said. "I hope it's enough."
Dorian patted her shoulder. "You'll be fine," he said. "You have plenty of time to get better anyway." He started steering her towards the Tavern. "How about some wine? Take a break."
Ash looked for Solas's reaction. He only shrugged his shoulders slightly. She took that as a yes and began walking with Dorian in earnest. Solas was being overly serious, but Ash could tell he was just trying to teach her to the best of his ability. It was more than she could have asked for considering what she knew and she didn't want to squander that. He hadn't said anything on the subject since their last conversation (something else she was glad he didn't comment on), and she had seen no reason to talk about either if he didn't feel the need to. No need to stir up unpleasantness. Scratching her hand, she relented to Dorian's shepherding.
They were interrupted, however, by Cullen waving Dorian over. Dorian frowned.
"I don't suppose you're here to join us, Commander?" Dorian quipped.
Cullen shook his head and palmed the sword at his side. "Unfortunately no," he responded. "The Inquisitor has sent word that she is heading to the Western Approach." Cullen leveled his gaze on Ash. "She wants you to join her there. Both of you." Ash steeled her spine.
She looked at Cullen, then to Dorian who was gazing at her with open concern. She smiled at the latter of the two reassuringly. She was as ready as she would ever be at this point. She nodded. "When should we leave?"
Dorian laughed. "I knew I liked you."
Author note:
So, not that great writing wise, but I'm tired of staring at it.
This was the longest delay I ever hope to have, I swear. A lot went on in my personal life (*ahem*I got a real adult job, yay!). But! I'm back, and while updates might not be as fast as they were when I first started, there will not be a two-ish week (I hope it wasn't longer than that) gap between chapters.
So, I said Adamant, but...plans and I aren't friends and this chapter kind of had a mind of its own.
And I just want to say, all of you are awesome! I really love reading your comments and they honestly help spur me to keep writing this, so you all keep doing what you do! You're the best!
Hugs.
