Chapter nine
Harry sent a note to his boss explaining that he had someone he could trust to talk to about what happened, someone with experience in helping victims of rape. Harry knew he wasn't ready to be in such close proximity to his work colleagues and Severus said the same thing, so Harry also explained that to his boss who agreed that Harry could take more time.
After being healed fully, Harry thanked Severus, said he'd see him on the weekend to head to the island again then headed to his home. The first couple of days he didn't go anywhere, the third day of just sitting around he finally went out. At first he kept moving away from any man that either walked passed or stood near him inside a shop. After a couple of hours he found he wasn't as nervous and was able to stand right behind another man who was being served in Flourish and Blotts.
The next couple of weekends Severus would meant Harry at his home and they would floo straight onto the island. They spent time in Harry's cabin, he was even able to sit on the now transfigured bed. After a few minutes Severus sat on the bed but down the end so Harry wouldn't feel too hemmed in but to get him used to having a man close and also on his bed. So while the two men were sitting on the bed, they only spoke about other things, nothing about the attack. Severus thought this would get Harry used to being on his bed with another man before they started talking about how Harry felt during the attack.
The following weekend Severus suggested they stay the night, that Harry try sleeping in his cabin while Severus took the cabin closest in case he was needed. So during the day they did talk a lot, and Harry found himself enjoying his island again but he also found himself enjoying his time with Severus Snape. After dinner they did watch a movie then Severus had Harry take him through exactly what happen the night of his attack. So Harry sat on the beach staring out over the water while Severus sat beside him and this time he was a little closer but still kept a bit of distance.
'I sat here thinking about the muggles that died because Ron wouldn't let me turn myself over to the death eaters. I know it was the right decision and Gawain made sense. If I did turn myself over, they still might have killed the muggles and I could have been taken to a place where all the escaped death eaters were. But I still can't help feeling responsible for those people especially the kid.'
'They would have killed them no matter what. Muggles are the lowest form of life to death eaters. We were taught that the moment we take the dark mark. So Mr. Weasley kept you from turning yourself over to them which was the right decision. So you sat here feeling guilty, probably going over things to see if you could have done anything differently?'
'Yeah, I know I would have had the element of surprise with wandless magic, and even with my training I realised it wouldn't have been enough not against more than five death eaters unless I was lucky.'
'So you're confident enough to go up against five death eaters who used dark spells?'
'We're trained to do that. When I first started it was just Tim, Connie and Gawain. They would use all types of dark spells so I would know how to deal with fighting it, and them or being hit and trying to concentrate on how to get out of danger. Once the others started training we all used to have to go up against five. I was the only one that could hold my own against five, to be able to bind and disarm them at the same time. Ron, and Neville could do four, the others three.'
'Then yes, maybe you could have survived but we do know there are thirteen death eaters out there not including snatchers and supporters. After you explained how I helped, I went with the minister and Mr. Robards to identify the dead and captured death eaters, anyone that had the mark. I was able to give him the names of the thirteen that were still not accounted for. So after some time you decided to swim, you don't need to as it's not quite as warm now. Were you thinking while you had a swim?'
'No, I just tried to exhaust myself so I wouldn't resort to drinking myself into unconsciousness. I did it mainly so I wouldn't have a nightmare, like I used to. Since he's been dead I haven't suffered from nightmares, they were all caused by him. But I wasn't sure if those would return or a new one from seeing those muggles die. My arms and legs were tired when I finally got out and I didn't bother dressing since I was alone and heading straight into a shower.'
'If he saw you here that night and saw you while you and your friends were here, then he might have thought you were all up for anything. Maybe he just missed sex and saw a nice looking naked man and couldn't resist. If he has been here since you were fourteen then he definitely didn't have sex during that time. Have you heard anything from your work colleagues about why he did it?'
'No, I said I didn't want to until I returned to work then they could fill me in. But you make sense that he might have seen us, or even been watching us. Sometimes there was sex right out here in the moonlight, sometimes in the water. If he was watching then he would have seen the five of us go into my room.'
'Did you always use your room when all of you got together?'
'Yeah, it's bigger and we'd transfigured the bed to accommodate all of us. We only did that three times, we all preferred one on one. Even though none of us wanted a relationship with the others, we did enjoy those times. I've always known I want a proper relationship one day but doing our last year at Hogwarts, then we all wanted to have a few weeks of reckless fun, something none of us could ever do before, then training. We all had the same thoughts, enjoy sex with people we liked without having to do the dating thing, at least until we were all settled.'
'Even though I am not one for casual sex, all of you did not have the normal teenage life so it did suit your needs and the times we lived in. As I've told you and I'm sure you heard from your godfather, there was a lot of sex during our days at Hogwarts. Your father was one of the most popular boys there, so was your godfather, so they were often seen going off with someone. All of you lived in a time where danger was almost an everyday occurrence so you had to be cautious.'
'Like Mad-Eye used to say, constant vigilance,' Harry glanced up at Severus and saw he smiled as well. Since he had found out about Severus Snape's real agenda, Harry knew the dislike wasn't real between him and other order members, except for Sirius. Harry knew that hatred was real but at least he knew now why it was.
It had been two months since the attack and Harry was now doing a lot better. He had returned to the island with Severus many times, then he had started to come alone. Harry was sitting in the sand staring out over the water, he watched as the water rippled in the light breeze. Even though he could come here again and wasn't scared anymore, he had something else to worry about and that confused him more than anything ever had before.
'You've been very quiet today Harry, is it still too hard to be here?'
Harry shook his head, 'No, I'm fine being here now. It's been two months coming every weekend and it's how I always thought of this place, peaceful, tranquil, exactly why I bought this place.'
'Then tell me why you are so quiet,' Severus sat in the sand beside Harry but stared out over the water.
'I'm just something I'm confused about, I'm trying to work through it.'
'Is it about how close we've become?'
Harry sighed but he nodded, 'Yeah, our past, everything that's happened. I can't work out if my feelings are real or if I'm confused because you helped me deal with everything that happened.'
'You could have real feelings for me or it might be gratitude, so these feelings are confusing you.'
'Exactly, I wasn't going to say anything until I worked it out.'
'Look at me,' Severus waiting until Harry turned his head, 'What are you thinking while you are staring into my eyes?'
'I'd like to drown in your eyes.'
'That doesn't sound like gratitude, would you allow me to kiss you?'
Harry groaned softly, 'Your voice is so amazing, makes my blood pulse, but yes, kiss me,' Harry's breathing spiked even before Severus' lips met his, then he groaned again before he felt himself move and he was lying on top of Severus being thoroughly kissed. He's body melted into Severus' arms as the kiss increased in intensity.
Severus released Harry's lips and stared into those gorgeous green eyes, 'That kiss did not seem like gratitude to me, nor the fact you're lying on top of me.'
Harry blushed slightly but gave a shy smile, 'I was never shy with the others, so why am I now?'
'I am older, wiser and more experienced than the young men you had sex with. I was your teacher as well but I am also the man that helped heal you and helped you deal with your attack. You told me every detail of what took place, I saw for myself what damage he did. I believe all that is why you are a little unsure with me. Now tell me how you felt about that kiss?'
'I'm sure you can feel exactly how I felt, but it's not gratitude even if I am grateful for everything you did,' Harry moved until he was lying beside Severus but still looking at him, 'My feelings for you are real, I'm attracted to you as a man.'
'And I feel the same, but I will not push for more than a kiss, you are not ready for sex.'
'I sometimes feel like I am, but then I know I'm not. It's been over two months, how long do you think it might be?'
'Difficult to say, all men are different, women are the same. I can't go on my own experience as I was caught up with the death eaters even though he was gone at the time. I had a lot to deal with so sex was never on my mind. Yes you work and are back to seeing your friends, that is taking up some of your time and we do spend every weekend together. But it's been all talking so far, helping you learn to deal with the fact you had been raped. Now though this time is our own, so naturally it would be on your mind more often. No matter what you are thinking or feeling, you should still take your time. This is not what you had with the others, this is attraction, real feelings so you don't want to rush anything.'
Harry nodded then reached a hand out and ran it down Severus' cheek, 'I don't want to spoil this because I would like to see where this could lead.'
'I would like the same Harry. At first I was concerned, the age difference, naturally, our restricted times we can spend together. I wasn't sure you would like that.'
'I know we can get one weekend every two weeks, do you get any nights free?'
'Yes, three nights are my own, usually I catch up on potions or marking papers. But those can be done during class.'
'So we could see each other up to three nights a week and every second weekend. With both of us working and sometimes long hours, it actually works well.'
'I believe it would as well, we are both men who like our privacy and our time alone. We've both had a lot of years that were dangerous and life threatening. We have a lot in common Harry, I believe this could work between us. But how about your friends, how would they take the fact your dating Professor Snape?'
'Once they see you are not like you were. They did see that a bit during our last year, I think they will be shocked but eventually accept it. What about Draco, he is your godson, how will he take this?'
'Since you are now friends I don't see a problem with Draco. You've told me what you five got up to and why which I do understand. Tell me this though, do you think any of them, Draco included feel more than what you believe?'
'No, we all talked and wanted the same thing. For that time to be just about fun and get a bit reckless before all our lives end up about work and family. Charlie and I were the first two that got together, he was concerned that I would want more because it happened to him once before. He was with this man and it was his first time, after that all he wanted was a relationship. We all talked after that, it was just a bit of fun.'
'So Charlie Weasley was your first?'
Harry nodded, 'I fooled around at Hogwarts, but I never went all the way until I came here.'
'Did you want to or was there pressure to have sex?'
'No pressure, Charlie even said he wouldn't do anything if I didn't want to, but I did. I think the reason is just the fact that we had nothing serious to worry or think about anymore. Even though that last year was hectic, it was danger free so we were relaxed. Being here we all realised the war was over, there was no danger but the moment we left it would all get serious again, just with work, relationships and family. So I figured why not do everything I wanted to then I could concentrate on becoming an auror and not worry about sex when I hadn't done all of it before.'
'Actually, that was very wise. Auror training is hard and you do long hours. It would have been difficult to concentrate on dating.'
'Yes, it would and speaking of dating, are we?' Harry smiled shyly which made Severus laugh before pulling Harry into his arms and kissing him passionately.
