No, your eyes do not deceive you: this is another update, and only 3 days after my last! *shock and awe* It turns out that updates can come faster when you don't fudge around a lot with a chapter *le sigh* Oh well…
Just a brief FYI for those who've reviewed: I'm currently playing catch-up on replies, and I'm halfway through right now, but I will get back to you soon!
It's Lindsay's turn with the shrink, so I hope you like!
Enjoy!
Lindsay had a hard time coping after Danny left for his appointment with the department shrink. One of the first things she'd done after he left was to call her parents and let them know about what had happened. They knew about Shane Casey and his connection to Danny, but when she told them about what had happened at the lighthouse and at her home, they were in complete shock. They'd offered to fly out right away to support her and her family, but Lindsay assured them that everybody was fine and stated that what she really wanted was to get back into her old routine. Instead, Lindsay insisted that they should stick to the week-long stay in New York that they'd already planned in a month's time, and with reservation, her parents had agreed and said goodbye to her, asking her to send their love onto Danny and Lucy and to call them if she needed anything at all. Lindsay promised that she would and then hung up the phone, feeling worse than she did before the call.
As she made her way from her desk to the couch where Lucy was still sitting playing with a toy, Lindsay recalled how she didn't find it that hard to be away from her husband and daughter while her emotions were on hiatus, and the smallest part of her wished she could go back to that. However, she knew that it was impossible for her to turn her defence mechanism on and off at the drop of a hat, no matter how badly she wanted to, or needed to. Lindsay therefore resigned herself to try and hold it together on her own, at least for Lucy's sake. At the moment, though, it wasn't exactly working. Lindsay collapsed on the couch as her tears started in earnest, wanting nothing more than for Danny to re-appear, take her into his arms and let her know that she was safe.
"Why Mommy sad?" Lucy asked, pulling Lindsay out of her reverie. The little girl put her toy down and crawled into her mother's lap, patting at Lindsay's cheeks in an attempt to wipe away the tears streaming down her mother's face. Lindsay forced herself to smile and try to mask what was truly going on.
"Mommy doesn't feel good right now, sweetie, that's why I'm sad."
Lucy thought for a second and quickly scrambled off Lindsay's lap, tottling over to the playpen in the corner. It was obviously to Lindsay that she wanted something from it, but there was no way for Lucy to get it herself.
"What are you looking for, sweetie?"
"Horsey p'ease."
Lindsay got up and crossed the room, getting 'Horsey,' actually a unicorn, and handed it to Lucy. "T'ank you. Up p'ease."
Lindsay was a bit confused by what Lucy was doing, but she decided to go with it. She picked Lucy up and carried her back to the couch, sitting down once more with Lucy in her lap.
"Horsey make bett-er," Lucy said as she shoved her toy out to her mother.
"Oh sweetie, that's very nice of you, but Horsey only has the special power to make you feel better." Lindsay's tears were renewed at her daughter's thoughtfulness and the innocence with which she still saw the world. Lucy, however, took the tears as a bad sign and she looked away and jutted her bottom lip out, thinking that she'd made her mother feel worse.
Lindsay noticed the change in Lucy and she felt horrible. Thinking quickly, she came up with something that would make her daughter feel better again. "Maybe Lucy could make Mommy better."
Lucy looked up, eager to help. "How Mommy?"
"With a big kiss and a hug."
Without answering, Lucy threw herself back at Lindsay, reaching up and wrapping her tiny arms around Lindsay's neck and squeezing before pulling herself up to lay a sloppy kiss on Lindsay's cheek. Lindsay hugged her back just as fiercely and she felt the tiniest of weights being lifted from her. "Thank you Lucy, Mommy feels better already!" This time, there wasn't a trace of a lie in Lindsay's words.
Just then, there was a knock at the office door. Hoping it was Danny back from the shrink's office already, Lindsay was a little disappointed to see that it was Flack. She waved him inside and he looked over at the mother-daughter pair with a wide grin on his face. It didn't take Lindsay long to realize that he was grinning because he could see with his own two eyes that she really was getting back to her old self.
"Hey Don."
Lucy let go of Lindsay's neck and whipped around in her mother's arms, wanting to share a very important piece of news with their new visitor.
"Fwack! 'ucy make Mommy bett-er! See!"
Putting on a bit of a show, Lindsay plastered an over-exaggerated smile on her face, wishing that all that was bothering her could be so easily fixed. Flack, catching on easily, followed Lindsay's lead.
"Wow Lucy, that's a special talent you got there. Great job!"
Lucy clapped for herself, happy that she had helped her mommy not to be sad anymore. Getting off of Lindsay's lap, Lucy grabbed Horsey and proceeded to tell her all about what she had just done, distracting herself for the moment and giving the adults a chance to talk.
"How are ya Linds?"
Lindsay got up from the couch and moved closer to Flack, not wanting Lucy to overhear anything that could spoil her happiness. "I'm doing OK, Don, it's not all for show. I'm still trying to wrap my head around everything that's gone on recently, but I'm so glad that I'm not alone in this: I have friends and family that I can count on."
Flack reached out and pulled Lindsay into a hug, sensing that she needed one at the moment. "You got that right, anything you need me to do, I'm there. I was real worried about you yesterday, but I'm glad to see you're back. It's not an easy thing to take somebody's life, especially when the circumstances are so personal, so if you ever need someone to talk to, somebody other than Danny or a shrink, just call me OK?"
"Thanks, that really means a lot to me." Though neither she nor Danny knew for certain what had happened in the basement of the warehouse where they'd tracked down Jessica Angell's killer to, based on what Danny had seen there and later shared with Lindsay, they always guessed that Flack had gotten his own justice for his girlfriend's death.
"So where is Danny? When I came over hear, I ran into Mac and he said that Danny had an appointment with Dr. Young at noon. It's almost one now and he's still not back?"
"I don't know, I thought he'd be there for maybe ten minutes at the most before walking out."
"Ten minutes? I'd have said two before Danno booked it." The two shared a laugh before Flack spoke again. "Look, why don't you head on up there now so you're not late and I'll stay here with Lucy until Danny gets back."
Nodding, Lindsay turned back towards the couch and saw that Lucy was now watching her and Flack. "OK sweetie, you be good while Mommy's gone. Daddy will be back soon but until he comes back, you can have fun with Uncle Flack."
Lucy shoved Horsey off her lap and slid off the couch, running over to Lindsay and throwing herself at her legs. "No go Mommy!"
Since it was getting closer to Lucy's naptime, Lindsay had been expecting her to get a little cranky, but she also started to wonder if maybe Lucy was upset because they had told her at the beginning of their vacation that it would just be Mommy, Daddy and Lucy time, and now in the past day and a half she'd become more like a hot potato, getting passed around between a lot of different people. Lindsay felt horrible once again, but this time there was nothing she could really do about it.
Sensing that a tantrum was probably coming on, Flack stepped forward and picked Lucy up, trying to calm her down. "Hey Lucy, you and me will have lots of fun while Mommy and Daddy are gone, we can do whatever you want."
"No Fwack, want Mommy!" Lucy stated as the tears started streaming down her face.
"I'm sorry honey, but I have to go," Lindsay said as she leaned forward and kissed Lucy's head. Lucy grabbed for her mother and locked her arms around Lindsay's neck. Lindsay reached up and pried Lucy's hands away, stepping back at the same time to make sure that Lucy didn't try it again.
"Noooo! Mommy!" Lucy's face was beat red and she tried to fight off Flack with her tiny fists and feet, but he just tightened his grip enough to make sure that she didn't fall out of his arms. Lindsay looked up at Flack apologetically, but he shook his head and mouthed the word 'Go'. With one last look at her daughter, Lindsay left the office, the screams of "MOMMY!" following her all the way into the elevator. It took a lot out of Lindsay to not just run back and comfort Lucy, but she knew deep down that she needed to take care of herself before she could really be of any use to Lucy. At the moment, however, that wasn't enough to stop Lindsay from feeling like a bad parent. Thankful that she was alone in the elevator, she let the tears fall fast and hard down her face.
Getting off the elevator and walking down the hall to Dr. Young's office, Lindsay got a handle on her tears, not really wanting to start off her appointment already a crying mess. About six feet from the door, she watched as it opened, revealing a smiling Danny. He closed the door and caught sight of her quickly and she watched as his smile faded after seeing the look on her face.
"Babe, what's wrong?" he asked as he closed the distance between them and wrapped her up in his arms.
"Lucy just had a meltdown when I left. She didn't want me to go and she was screaming for me." The tears that Lindsay had fought to get a handle on started anew.
"She'll be OK. I'm sure whoever has her got her to calm down. You didn't do anything wrong," he soothed her with his words as he stepped away from her to wipe her tears away. Lindsay knew he was right, so she took a few calming breaths before another thought came to mind. "You stayed the whole hour and you came out with a smile on your face. What's the deal, because you always tell me that all shrinks are quacks?"
Danny could see that she was looking for a bit of a distraction, and he was more than happy to provide her with one. "Well, maybe I was wrong, just this one time." His grand ego earned him a small smile, and Danny decided to lean forward and surprise Lindsay by kissing her sweetly.
Pulling away, she looked at him, puzzled. "What was that for?"
"First off, I don't need an excuse to kiss my lovely wife, but I just wanted you to know that I love you and that we can get through this. Now, go talk to the shrink and be sure to call her 'sir.'" Before Lindsay could do anything, Danny had kissed her on the forehead and started to run down the hall away from her.
"You better make tracks, cowboy!" she called out to him before shaking her head at his antics. Heading for the door, she knocked and heard a quick "Come in!" before she opened it and poked her head in.
"I hope I'm not late," she said to the young woman in the room. She'd never been to see the NYPD shrink, but she'd heard Danny refer to her as an 'old batty woman,' so Lindsay quickly guessed that they weren't the same doctors.
"No, you're right on time Detective Messer. I'm Dr. Young, but please call me Liz."
"Lindsay, then," she replied as she reached out and shook the doctor's hand.
"Please, have a seat on the couch over there." Liz took Lindsay's file from her desk and placed it under her notepad as she took the chair across from the couch once more. Looking at Lindsay, Liz could see that she'd been crying very recently, a few tears still visible in her eyes. "Are you sure that you're OK to talk now, or would you rather do this at another time?"
"No, no, I'm OK to do this now. My daughter just had a meltdown when I left and it got to me. That's why I was later getting down here than I had hoped."
"Don't worry about it. That's got to be hard for any parent to deal with." Even in the short span of time they'd spent together, Liz was starting to get the sense that Lindsay would be another tough patient. While Danny was a skeptic, his emotions were very close to the surface and he was fairly easy to read. From what she had learned from Lindsay's file, Liz knew that Lindsay had an extensive background in talking to shrinks, but Liz could see that that experience had made Lindsay much more guarded with her emotions and not so willing to talk about them to complete strangers. "OK, your husband Danny gave me the background information on Shane Casey, so why don't you start with what happened at the lighthouse. I understand that you and your daughter were let go from captivity because Casey didn't want either of you, just Danny?"
"Yes. The two of them ran up the lighthouse stairs ahead of me, so I went chasing after them and when I got to the top, Casey had just revealed himself. The last time he'd seen Danny, he was single so Casey was trying to get introductions from Danny for me and Lucy. Then he said Lucy and I could leave, but I told him to go to hell. He almost made us stay after that, but Danny shoved Lucy into my arms and begged me to get her and myself to safety."
"Why did you tell him to go to hell?"
"It was a pretty stupid thing to do, but I was tired of him screwing around with our lives. He took Danny's wallet and badge and has been using them to taunt us. He'd try and use Danny's ATM card, knowing full well that Danny would cancel it and that we'd have video of him trying to use the card. He's been sadistic like that since we first met him about five years ago. More importantly, I didn't want to leave Danny alone with him. If it had been just me, I probably would've stayed up there with him."
"Alright, so you and Lucy were back on the ground. Could you hear what was going on back up in the lighthouse?"
"No, but I thought since the rest of the team had arrived, Danny would have a good chance. I was hoping not to hear any gunshots, but then I heard the sound of glass breaking and I wasn't sure what had happened. The next couple of minutes were agonizing, but then Danny appeared, limping and a little roughed up, but alive. That's all I really cared about."
Liz nodded. "Of course. Danny said that you stayed on Long Island for the night, but you decided to come home yesterday instead of staying for the rest of your vacation time."
"Yeah. We all slept restlessly that night and our hearts weren't in it anymore, so we decided to spend the rest of the week in the 'safety' of our home." Lindsay couldn't help the cynicism that accompanied the word 'safety'.
"How did you discover that something wasn't right last night?"
"I woke up when I sensed that Danny had left our bed. I heard Lucy crying, so I was waiting for him to come back so I could ask if Lucy was OK. Then I heard Shane Casey speak. At first I wasn't sure it was him, but when he started talking again, I knew it was him."
"What was your first reaction, other than shock?"
"I started to reach for a phone, but when I heard that he was using Lucy as leverage so he could kill Danny, I decided to get my gun instead."
"Were you planning on killing Shane Casey or trying to detain him?"
"At that point, I had no idea what I was walking into, but when Danny asked Casey to cover Lucy's face so she wouldn't watch him die right in front of her, I came to the conclusion that I had to kill Shane Casey or he was going to kill Danny. I made my way quietly to Lucy's room and I peaked in at the right time, so I wasn't caught.
"Casey had Lucy on his right hip and a gun in his left hand, trained on my husband. He made Danny say goodbye to our daughter and then said his own goodbyes to Danny. After that, I quickly moved into the doorway, aimed and fired off one round before Casey could react. It was a kill shot to the head and he fell to the ground, taking Lucy down with him. She was OK, though, just a little bump from the fall, but she was terrified."
"As I'm sure you were too."
Somehow, Lindsay had managed to keep a lid on her emotions as she retold her story for the first time while not on autopilot, but with Liz's false assumption, Lindsay came undone. She didn't answer the question, just throwing her face into her hands and starting to sob. Liz, unsure of what she had done, reached back to her desk to grab the box of tissues and she placed them right beside Lindsay's leg on the couch. "What's wrong Lindsay?"
"That's just it: I should've been terrified, but I wasn't, I was calm and focused. I wanted to be terrified, I wanted to go run up and grab Lucy and Danny and hug them for dear life and never let go, but I was a friggin' robot!" Lindsay blurted out, swiping angrily at her face with her hands to clear her tears.
"Why?"
"It's some stupid defence mechanism. The same thing happened when I was a teen: some huge traumatic situation happens, I shut down emotionally and do whatever is needed of me, and then when my body decides that I can be in control again, I finally get to breakdown like everybody else."
"That doesn't sound stupid to me Lindsay. I bet most people would want to be able to do that, or subconsciously to that, in traumatic situations."
"Well, they can have it. They can find out the hard way, like I did, that just because your emotions are on hiatus, it doesn't mean that you can escape them – you just get to accumulate them for later. I could see how much I was hurting Danny by pulling away from him and Lucy, but there was nothing for me to do about it. I explained what was going on later when I could actually feel again, and he said that it was OK and he forgave me, but…" Reaching a very private struggle that had been nagging Lindsay since the night before, she hesitated to continue.
Liz, however, thought that she knew what Lindsay was going to say, so she said it for the distraught woman. "…But you still feel like you failed Danny and Lucy when they needed you most, even after saving their lives, because you couldn't be there for them right away? That they blame you for abandoning them for those few hours and they couldn't possibly forgive you for that? Liz was starting to sense a theme going on with the Messers, something that they couldn't see for themselves because they were too close to it. It was only because she was an outsider that Liz could see just how unnecessary their fears were.
Lindsay looked over at Liz in complete and utter shock. "How did you know that?"
"I saw it on your face." Liz decided to lie, trying to see if Lindsay was willing to let her in a little more.
"Liz, I know that you're not telling me the whole truth here. I don't wear my emotions for the whole world to see: that's my husband, not me. People have always had a hard time reading me, hell it took Danny a while to figure me out at all, and sometimes he's still got to work at it. Nobody has ever read me like a book after knowing me for about a half hour, so that was partly a guess and partly based on what my husband told you."
Liz found herself suddenly on the defensive, and she started to backtrack a little. "While I can't go into the specifics of what he said to me, let's just assume that you're right and move on from there. I'm not trying to bullshit you here or trick you, but I'm picked up on your guardedness and I was trying to gauge your willingness to open up if the topic got even more personal."
"Liz, you've read my file, so you know this isn't my first rodeo with a shrink. I'm guarded, yes, but unlike my husband, I believe that talking with a professional is helpful, so long as both parties are honest, upfront, and willing."
Liz now felt pretty horrible about what she had done. "Lindsay, I am so sorry if I offended you…"
Lindsay reached out and put her hand on Liz's arm. "It's OK, Liz, honest. I understand that you sometimes have to be a little…creative when dealing with difficult patients, but it's not needed with me." Lindsay's eyes conveyed her sincerity, and Liz was more than happy to take the out and move forward.
"I'll ask you to think of this scenario for me, Lindsay: what if you were the one who found Shane Casey in your home holding Lucy and you were the one he wanted dead. What if Danny came to your rescue and killed him, but then pushed you away. How would you react?"
"I would be hurt, but I'd keep trying to get through to him."
"Now, what if he broke down eventually and tried to explain to you that he couldn't embrace you and cry over what had happened because his own body and mind were keeping him focused on what he needed to do. Would you be able to understand and forgive his actions then? Would you believe him?"
"Yes."
"OK, now think about Danny's actions and your own hypothetical ones: is there anything different between them?"
"No," Lindsay replied almost instantaneously. She started shaking her head, surprised at her own foolishness. The answer was so simple and yet she couldn't arrive at it without the guidance of another person. "You must think Danny and I are a real pair, because I suspect that you had to pull the same role reversal technique with Danny."
While Liz didn't out rightly respond to Lindsay's statement, she knew that Lindsay already had her answer. "I'm not here to judge. Talking with the both of you, I can see that although to the casual observer you may seem like two completely different people, underneath you're very similar. Family is the most important thing to both of you and you're both terrified of letting your loved ones down. In this case, you didn't let Danny or Lucy down because you were able to eliminate the one thing that was determined to tear your family apart. More importantly, I think the both of you need to stop being so worried about letting the other down. You both seem to love each other very deeply and I'm certain that it's gonna take a lot more than that to break you two apart. From the way Danny was talking about you and your relationship, the two of you have been through a lot together, and you've gotten through it all, together."
Lindsay nodded, and a hint of a smile appeared on her lips. "When we first met, I really didn't like him, but then we became friends as we started to get to know each other. I was sure he had a crush on me after a while, but he had the reputation of being the lab heartthrob, never looking for a serious relationship. I started to fall for him, but I was afraid that I was going to be just another conquest, so I pushed him away. He didn't give up on trying to be with me and when he flew out to Montana on no sleep to come support me, I started to see that he and I could be something. It hasn't always been easy and sometimes it's been downright painful to stay together, but I'll forever be grateful that I took a chance on a long-shot." Lindsay beamed with pride now, still surprised sometimes by just how far they'd come as a couple in only 3 years.
Liz hated to change the subject on Lindsay, but there was more that the two of them had to discuss. "Now that we've cleared that up, let me get back to the real reason why you're here: how do you feel about the fact that you shot and killed Shane Casey?"
Lindsay let out a slow breath, feeling her emotions come back to the surface. "I'm conflicted. Part of me is glad that he's dead because he can't hurt anybody anymore, but a bigger part of me is torn up about having taken another life. When I saw him lying on the table in the morgue, the full weight of my actions just hit me like a ton of bricks."
"So you saw him after he was killed and after your emotions kicked back in? Did you want to see him?"
"Yes. I needed closure for my own mind, to know that there was no way he could come after my family again. I just wasn't expecting to be so affected by the sight of him lying on the table. I've shot suspects before, both wounding and killing them, and I've been affected by my actions, but never like that."
"It's because this time it was more than just about your job, it was your entire life at stake, yours and those of the people you love the most."
"I realize that now."
"Do you regret your actions?"
"No, because the alternative would have been much worse." There was no doubt in Lindsay's voice.
"Well Lindsay, I have no control over what IAB will rule about your actions, but I'm clearing you for duty, so you can get back to work once your vacation's over. You made a clear and rational choice, but one that you're not taking lightly after the fact. That's all anybody can ask for in a situation such as this."
"Thank you, I appreciate that. I'm just looking to get back to normal, it's been a hell of a past couple of days. It's been a hell of a year really."
"I'll bet: marriage, parenthood, caregiver, and then add Shane Casey into the mix. It seems like you've been coping well though. You didn't hear this from me, but Danny made it very clear that it was your love and support, as well as that of your daughter, that got him through his temporary paralysis, but I'm sure you already know that."
"Yeah, he was alive so I was OK whether he could walk again or not. Danny, on the other hand, had got it into his head that I wouldn't want him unless he was able to walk. It took some convincing on my part but he eventually understood where I was coming from. One night months later, I found him in Lucy's room, holding her in his arms as he stood, for the first time, across the room from me and I just lost it. Everything finally seemed to be settling down for us, but little did I know what was coming next."
"Well, I have every confidence that you and Danny will be able to make it through all this, and whatever else life decides to throw at you two."
"You know what? I think you're right." Lindsay smiled once more, truly agreeing with Liz's assessment.
Once again, the buzzer sounded, reminding Liz that their time was drawing to a close. "Alright Lindsay, our time is almost up. Is there anything else that you wanted to talk about while we're here?"
"Not that I can think of."
"OK, well I'll be clearing you for duty because I don't see any big issues for you about this, but just to be on the safe side, I want you to come see me once you've returned to work, just to make sure that you're OK. If nothing else had come up and you're feeling good about being back to work, it'll be a very short session, and then you'll be done with me, OK?"
"That sounds good, I'll let you know when I can come see you once I get my schedule." Lindsay stood and reached out her hand. "Thank you Liz."
Taking Lindsay's hand, Liz shook it firmly and dared to go back to another subject. "Please let me apologize again for my deceit…"
Lindsay's grip tightened, making Liz pause and glance over at the detective. "There's nothing to apologize for. You're a good doctor and you're great at what you do." Without another word, Lindsay let go of Liz's hand and headed for the door, leaving Liz to think that Lindsay hadn't been serious about what she said and that she was only humouring the doctor and trying to be nice.
Liz started to head back to her desk when she saw Lindsay turn around and face her once more to speak.
"You know how I know that you're great at what you do? You got my husband to rethink his opinion that all shrinks are nothing but quacks, and that, Dr. Young, is a miracle." A huge grin spread across Lindsay's face, and Liz couldn't help but join in.
"I appreciate that. Goodbye Lindsay, now get out of my office and go spend some time with your family, doctor's orders."
"Goodbye Liz." In one swift move, Lindsay had opened, walked through, and shut the door behind her, leaving Liz all by herself to think for the first time since coming to the NYPD that she was actually being of help to the people here. Maybe she was cut out for this job after all, and she would be forever remember the Messers for helping to restore her confidence in her own abilities. With that thought in mind, she sat down at her desk once more and started typing out reports on her two patients.
Phew, we're done with the therapy sessions now! I'm glad for both Danny and Lindsay, but for me too - this stuff is hard to make up when you seriously have no idea what you're doing! *dramatic pause* Wait, isn't that what I do with every story: make it up as I go along while being completely clueless? :P
Alright, let's get back to serious business - Next time, on Weathering the Storm: the Messers finally leave the lab, and Danny and Lindsay get a chance to talk about what they each discovered in their sessions with Dr. Liz Young.
*is it just me, or did that sound oddly like a commercial for a soap opera?*
OK, now I'm just rambling, and boring the heck out of everyone!
Thanks for reading everybody! :)
