And I've lost who I am and I can't understand
Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love
Without love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on
But I know, all I know, is that the end's beginning
Who am I from the start - take me home to my heart
Let me go and I will run, I will not be silenced
All this time spent in vain - wasted years, wasted gain
All is lost, hope remains, and this war's not over
There's a light, there's a sun, taking all shattered ones
To the place we belong
And his love will conquer
- Trading Yesterday
"… what?" Was all Hiccup could get out; like the air had been knocked out of his lungs and they were struggling to regain breath. He wondered if he heard correctly: leave? As in now? Even though she was still injured and on the verge of starvation? No way.
He looked at her with a mixture of hurt & disbelief, hoping she was making some sort of awful joke (because she couldn't possibly be serious, right?)—but as soon as he saw the severity in her bright blue eyes, he realised with a heavy heart that she wasn't kidding, which was even worse.
'She won't survive if we go.' He thought, causing a rush of white-hot panic to course through his veins in a way which he hadn't experienced since he watched Toothless fall into the icy water and almost drown whilst he was being taken by Cloudjumper. 'She'll die and she won't even care.'
Then, suddenly, an irrational anger kicked in at the thought, causing him to clench his jaw, his eyes to narrow and his voice to turn steely; "You expect us to leave just like that? You want me to go: "Hey, see ya later, hope you have a nice life!" when we both know that you'll continue living here alone, cold, hurt & hungry?! Nuh-uh, not gonna happen. We're not going anywhere."
Leave and never come back? Forget he ever met her? It was a ridiculous (not to mention, unbelievably cruel) request to give to someone who only wanted to get close, to help. There was no way in Hel he was going to leave her in the state she was in. Not matter what she would say or do, he wasn't going. End of story.
"This isn't up for negotiation, Chief Haddock. This is a request," she said firmly. The broken expression which she had been wearing a few minutes prior was now gone and replaced with something cold and held a strong sense of authority, as if she was used to being in control and making difficult decisions without a shred of feeling. It bothered & fascinated him all at once. How was that even possible? "I appreciate everything you've done for me, but it's now time for you to take your leave. Go before something happens to you or Toothless. Please."
"You think we're gonna leave just because you can conjure some ice & snow?" He responded sharply to cover his hurt pride. "We can handle whatever you dish out."
They've dealt with dangerous situations on a regular basis—after all, he was a Viking and a dragon trainer; it was an occupational hazard. He's taken on the Red Death, monstrous Alphas, the lethal Screaming Death, crazed blood-thirsty maniacs and even trained Toothless! A friggin' Night Fury! Only one of the deadliest dragons on record! Did she really think that they were utterly helpless and totally incapable of looking after themselves?! As both a man and Viking, it was an awful blow to the ego.
"You don't understand, Chief Hiccup, I can't control my powers." She shot back, doing her best to keep herself composed. "I can't guarantee your safety."
"You don't have to worry about my safety! I can look after myself!" He argued, impassioned.
Damn it, this was so frustrating! Why? Why did she keep doing this? Why did she insist on keeping her distance from everyone?! Didn't know that she was only unnecessarily hurting herself and them in the process? Didn't she know that it wasn't the way to remedy the situation? Didn't she know that she was only further instilling fear into her already fearful, brittle heart?
"I'm not going to run away just because of your abilities! I'm not afraid of them, and neither should you be. So, please, don't shut me out!"
A whimper could be heard from Toothless and he quietly apologised, knowing he was starting to stress his friend.
"You don't know what you're talking about, Chief Hiccup." She warned, trying so hard to be composed, except Hiccup could see her restraint beginning to crack. "My parents knew that I was dangerous and were right to tell me to keep my distance."
"Your parents were wrong to think you needed to be shut away from the world because of one accident!" He protested impassioned. "They should have believed in you—not hindered you! I get that they were concerned for your well-being, but they taught you to be afraid of yourself because they were afraid of what you could do and that's wrong! Fear only breeds more fear and nothing will change if you let it dictate your life."
"No, you're the one that's wrong!" She argued back. "They had a good reason to be afraid. They knew exactly what I was capable of before I even realised it myself. I should have tried harder to conceal them; if I had then Anna would still be alive! That's why I have to be here, alone. So I can be who I am without hurting anybody!"
"No you don't, Elsa! I know whatever happened to your sister was awful and I know you'll never forgive yourself for it, but you don't have to keep suffering because of it. I've said it before and I'll say it again: don't throw away your life because you're consumed by guilt. It's pointless and it won't bring her back. You can only move on."
Snow swirled around them, the wind growing colder and stronger, but it did not deter the Chief. If anything, it spurred him on.
"No, you have to go." She said, clutching her hands against her chest again. "You're not safe here."
"You don't have to be alone any more, or keep your distance, or live in fear." He exclaimed desperately, as he placed one of his own hands against his pounding heart. "Because I'll be right here and I know we can figure this out. Together."
Her eyes widened, as if in recollection of something, before she murmured; "Enough."
"You don't have to protect me-"
"Enough...!" Her voice was strained. She was close. To what, the Viking wasn't sure, but he could see that something in her was about to break and he could only hope it was for the better.
"-I'm not afraid!"
"I SAID ENOUGH, ANNA!"
Silence flooded the room and all momentum in his voice was now gone, completely stunned by Elsa's outburst. And it seemed to have the same effect on her too, because the ice maiden had a look of shock & hurt on her face, as if she had been struck. She had been in a way and whatever irritation or frustration which he may have felt melted away in that instant.
"You remind me of my sister, Anna." She spoke a moment later, breaking his depressing thoughts. A warm smile crept onto her face and reached into her blue eyes. This was the first he had actually seen her being genuine and he couldn't help from noticing how his heart had skipped a beat. "She tended to be awkward and a bit goofy, but she was kind and always eager to meet new people."
"I froze her heart..." She uttered, it was clipped, and cold, and bitter—like he was during Astrid's funeral whenever someone would try to talk to or console him. "I didn't mean for it to happen, I was just so scared at the time and she tried to get close... her skin was like ice and her hair turned white... and then she became a solid block of ice. I didn't think it was possible, it just didn't seem possible; she was the warmest person I had ever known... until I felt her frozen body in my arms."
"Elsa..." He whispered, realising now that perhaps he should have approached her more carefully instead of causing the young woman to inadvertently reopen barely healed wounds. It hurt, hearing her say her sister's name instead of his own, but at least now he knew exactly why she felt so determined to protect him.
'Because I remind her of Anna...' He thought solemnly. 'I remind her of a sister whom she loved dearly and who was taken by her own hands. She's haunted by her past and she's chasing ghosts...'
It was an unsettling realisation and he wasn't sure how to deal with it. All he could feel was sympathy for the fair maiden and he wondered what Lady Elsa could have ever done to deserve such cruelty from the Gods.
"That's why you have to go. Please..." She looked up at him as she made her plea, with eyes so vulnerable, so broken, and so defeated—he felt his heartstrings tugging harshly, causing him to ponder briefly if it was possible to die of heartache from another person's pain. "I can't bear if something happened to you too."
What could he say to that? What should he say? Usually he was so good with words and yet, somehow he just couldn't find anything.
'Sometimes the best solution isn't giving a few thoughtful words, but rather, just hold them and be there as they fall apart.' His mind offered him, and thus, Hiccup reached out a hand to touch her bare shoulder, hoping to provide some sort of comfort, anything to ease her sadness.
Except, Elsa realised what he was trying to do, and panic flashed through her blue eyes before she stumbled out of the bed in that instant. Hiccup immediately followed, leaping out of the chair and winced as he heard it clang against the frozen ground and noticed Toothless perking up from the corner of his eye, obviously concerned. Although for their safety or because things were starting to escalate into an uncertain (hopefully not a worse-case) scenario, the Chief couldn't be sure, but he just hoped he could remedy the situation before it got out of hand.
"No! Don't touch me!" she exclaimed, holding her hands out, as if it would protect her. "I'll only hurt you!"
'No, you won't.' The Viking thought determinedly, as he ignored her warning and took a step forward, holding out his hand the way he always did when bonding with a dragon.
"Stay there!"
Then all of a sudden, several waist-high spikes of ice appeared out of the ground, instantly halting him. He let out a gasp, having not expected that and he heard a soft whimper from Toothless, as if betrayed. Hiccup looked at Lady Elsa for answers and judging from the look on her face, it had been intentional.
"I'm sorry, but please don't come any closer!" She pleaded, clearly upset by her actions. She looked like an injured animal frightened out of its mind as she started backing away towards the front door and Hiccup realised that she was clearly planning her exit route.
She was going to run.
'Crap! Not good. Not good at all.' He mused as he watched her gaze flick back & forth between him and the door handle. His mind started analysing the best plausible solution to prevent her from escaping without causing any sort of panic. Even though he knew she wouldn't get far with her injuries and lightning-fast dragon by his side, the Chief didn't want her to further hurt herself.
Fortunately, the Night Fury must have sensed Elsa's intentions as well because he started creeping around the spikes and over towards the door, in a side-step fashion, obviously being just as careful as his friend.
"Stop! Stay back! Toothless!" Her voice trembled and the sound of creaking could be heard. He noticed cracks in the walls of the hut and that it was started turning darker causing Hiccup to sigh. Looked like they were back to square one... "Tell him to back off, Hiccup!"
"No, I won't." He said boldly, despite the brief happiness he felt when he heard her say his name without any sort of title (he wanted to hear it more often)—he just wished it didn't sound desperate and it wasn't during the heat of a quarrel. "You must have come down with another fever or something, because you're delirious to think we're just gonna leave or let you go outside in the state you're in."
He could only blame his Viking heritage for his sheer stubbornness during this current situation, because at that moment all of his common sense was screaming at him to stop being an idiot, let her go and count his lucky stars that neither him or Toothless was harmed in the process. Perhaps it would have been the wiser choice and the more sane decision, except Hiccup had a tendency for choosing the stupid option, before opting for the crazy one should the former not work out.
"Don't be a fool!" She said, desperation laced in her words. "I'm only destined to bring misery to anyone unfortunate enough to come across my path—and I don't want you to get hurt, because you will if you stay here any longer!"
"No, I won't let that happen." He responded firmly. It sounded absurd and arrogant, and yet he knew Elsa wouldn't hurt him because he wouldn't let it happen—he was strong & agile, and had the ability to calm even the deadliest dragons in mere moments—and with Toothless to watch his back, the Chief saw no reason for her keep her distance.
The ice maiden barked out a laugh, although it lacked any trace of humour. "What? You think you're invincible just because you have a dragon?!" She asked incredulously. "That's just reckless! You think you might have seen it all, but you couldn't even begin to imagine the things I'm capable of! Or what I've done!"
A shiver ran down his spine after she said that, but he refused to show it. For his sake or hers, he couldn't be sure, except he couldn't bare the idea of letting the fair maiden think he was scared of her, because he wasn't.
"Men who kill without reason cannot be reasoned with." His father had warned him once and Hiccup had witnessed enough to know that the fair Lady Elsa wasn't someone to be afraid of. Maybe he was being too naive again, maybe she had committed horrible atrocities against humanity, maybe he should heed her warnings—but by Odin, he couldn't bring himself to be frightened of her. No way. Not when she trembled like that or carried such a remorseful, pained look and thought the only way she could atone for her mistakes was to live in isolation, consumed by misery until the end of her days. No way in Hel.
"I've done things far beyond redemption and that's why I need to be alone." She finished with such resolve, despite her eyes were shining with emotions and unshed tears. "I'm a monster, Hiccup. You'd do best to stay far away from me."
Toothless crooned sadly, obviously affected by the woman's sorrow and flicked his gaze over to Hiccup, waiting for the rider to respond.
All he could do in that moment was stand there and reflect over her words, before he came to the same conclusion he had known before: none of it mattered. Because Elsa was a lot of things—powerful, fierce, beautiful, reclusive, misguided, dazzling, cold and formal—but she was most certainly not a monster.
Because monsters are evil people who revel in death & destruction, who cannot cry, love, or even feel, who have no shred of moral conscience or compassion, and who cannot be reasoned with. Just like Drago.
Of course, he would agree with her when she said he was being reckless to think she would not harm him and that he hadn't even seen her at her fullest potential, and yet, the young Chief just simply didn't care. He'd seen enough to know that she was a good person, a kind person, and even though he might have met her only a few days ago, Hiccup was more than happy to risk his safety to reach out and connect with her.
But more importantly, to show her she didn't need to shut herself away from the world and allow herself to be happy again, as stupid and crazy as it may seem.
So with this as his new resolve, he took a deep breath and a step to the left, carefully manoeuvring around the icy spikes and continued forward.
"Stay there! Stay back! I will strike!" The fair maiden exclaimed, trying to sound cold & menacing, except he knew better. He could hear the fear in her voice and see the uncertainty in her trembling form, but what spurred him on the most was the sudden spark of hope which shined brightly in her beautiful blue eyes.
And Hiccup knew without a doubt, this would all be worth it in the end.
Elsa was afraid. Terrified actually. Because despite all of her threats and warnings, Chief Hiccup (brave, foolish, sweet, kind Hiccup) was still trying to approach her and it was making her feel something else (something strong and powerful), something she hadn't felt in long time: hope.
And that was the most frightening thing of all.
"I'm not afraid." He said as he took several steps towards her. "I'm not today, I wasn't three nights ago and I certainly won't be tomorrow—because you're not a monster and I know you won't hurt me."
She couldn't handle this.
"Please, just stay away! I just want to protect you!" She cried out, as she threw herself up against the door and started to blindly search for the door handle. She would've found it easily and fled the hut in an instant had her eyes not been so focused on his own—they literally took a hold of her. Because they were so intense, so impassioned, so fearless—it left her quaking in a way she hadn't experienced before. Oh Lord, she couldn't handle it! She just wanted to be alone with her thoughts & feelings (which were clawing away inside, threatening to let loose and rip her apart) and she worried something would happen if she stayed in that room another minute longer.
'Conceal, don't feel! Conceal, don't feel!' She chanted within herself, hoping it would calm her, but it didn't.
It never did.
"I know you do, but you don't have to shut me out." He replied, completely undeterred by the storm which was beginning to brew outside the hut, or the cold wind swirling around them and banging against the window, or even the turmoil raging inside her heart. Damn it, he was getting closer and she was letting him! What was wrong with him? What was wrong with her? "So please don't run away. Please don't keep your distance. Just let me in..."
Tears which were stinging her eyes before were now swelling and clouding her vision. Her fingers became coated with frost again and her hands felt cold, like the ice she weaved so easily, and she clenched them tight.
"No, I'm dangerous. I'm no good. I'm a freak, a murderer, a monster..." She whimpered, feeling tired and defeated. Closing her eyes, she felt a tear sliding down her cheek and she shivered. "So please... just leave me alone, before you get hurt... please..."
She stood there trembling in agonising silence, letting herself fall apart again, except this time she felt a sudden warmth clutch around her fists, gently loosening them and fingers intertwining.
Startled, she snapped her eyes open and saw that her frost coated fingers were now intertwined with Hiccup's own. They were rough and scarred, but warm & strong—she found a sudden adoration for them, as peculiar as it may have sounded. Then again, she was a pretty peculiar person.
"I'm not Anna." Hiccup said softly and she felt a stab of guilt & shame. "And you're not a monster."
Those words, although simple and obvious, hit her harder than the force of the icy chandelier, which she managed to narrow avoid as it came crashing down during the invasion. She knew he wasn't Anna—it was cruel and absurd to think otherwise—and she was humiliated that she had made such a mistake, but she couldn't help it. Even though they looked nothing alike, their personalities were so similar, it gave the former Queen both a sense of comfort and dread.
So when they had been arguing earlier, all she had been envisioning was her baby sister and her back on the North Mountain right before she had ruined their lives and destroyed the most beautiful thing on earth.
'That's not entirely true,' her mind objected. 'Hiccup's beautiful too—he's warm and kind, and so full of life—he shouldn't be overlooked so easily.'
Yes, that was true. The Chief of Berk was an outstanding exception, which was rather funny in an ironic sort of fashion, because never had she imagined that anyone could be nearly as wonderful or she could hold in such a high regard as the younger Princess of Arendelle. To Elsa, her little sister had been the most important person in her cold, lonely world. There were her parents whom she respected and admired, of course, but after years of forced isolation, the snow maiden had come to idolise them less and less as time went by.
She loved them dearly, but she couldn't forgive them causing such a rift between her & Anna.
'And yet, can you totally blame them? They might have had a major factor for the first eighteen years of your life, but don't forget that you had a choice too.'
No, she couldn't completely fault them. After all, she could have opened the door on the night of their funeral and welcomed Anna back into her life. They weren't there to stop her or give her orders—she was free to make her own decisions at that point, but she didn't. Instead, she let their misgivings continue to dictate her life until the coronation, and that was the biggest mistake she could have ever made.
If the former Queen could do it all again, she definitely would've. She would've been a better sister. She would've been lot more careful with her magic, been more firm with Anna and make sure she understood that she needed to listen her big sister when she was in danger & that she needed to slow down. She would've regularly sneaked out of her room into Anna's during the middle of the night to head outside and make countless snowmen.
She would've ignored her mother's constant scoldings for attending her tutoring sessions with dishevelled blonde hair & baggy eyes, and having the gall to fall asleep during her etiquette classes. And she most definitely would've argued with her father a lot more too, telling him that she understood her magic better than him and that she wasn't going to conceal her emotions or hide away just to ease his fears.
She would've done everything so differently.
'But you can't,' the voice said to her sadly. 'The past is in the past, remember? You cannot erase your past, nor re-write it, but the least you could do is learn from your mistakes and ensure you do not repeat them again.'
And thus, Elsa was desperate to keep her distance and to protect Chief Hiccup. To her, the dragon rider was her second chance to make things right, to redeem herself, and to save herself further heartache—because it would absolutely destroy her to see him suffer the same fate as Anna.
"You're not a monster." He repeated firmly and with such conviction.
She opened her mouth to protest, but he beat her to it.
"Monsters are inhuman. They enjoy death and carnage. They hold no sense of love or compassion—only greed and hatred. They revel in other's fear and seek power in order to dominate the weak & vulnerable... They kill others without a blink of an eye or any sort of moral dilemma..." He trailed off as his green eyes starting to glaze, as if reliving a painful memory and Elsa felt something swell within her.
The former Queen couldn't begin to imagine all the tragedies he might have witnessed as the life of a Viking, and yet, here he was—holding her hands with such care, with such tenderness; like she was just a normal girl and not someone who could summon winter in the blink of an eye, that it sparked something within her heart that spread through her entire being. Something warm and nostalgic, but something she couldn't quite put her finger on.
'What is it?' She wondered, until the grip on her fingers tightened and brought her back from her musings. She looked the Chief, who now wore a soft smile and the feeling grew stronger.
"I've seen enough of them to know that you're not one of them." He finished with such resolve; she couldn't help but be touched. "So please, don't shut me out. I know it's frightening, but believe me when I say that we can more than look after ourselves. So let us in, let us help, let us be your friends."
Pulling his hands away, he made a hugging gesture and gave her a charming grin. "So what do you say, Elsa? Will you give it a try?"
The snow maiden let out a choked chuckle and whatever restraint she might have had instantly vanished as threw herself into his open arms. Tears finally broke through, except this time they didn't drain her or threaten to overwhelm, instead it felt relaxing, cathartic, liberating, as she finally remembered just what it was like to touch another human being again.
"I'm scared, it's getting stronger!"
"Getting upset only makes it worse. Calm down."
"No! Don't touch me! Please... I don't want to hurt you..."
Her parents had looked absolutely heartbroken when she had said that, however, it was all she could do to protect them. They tried so hard to be there for their daughter, and yet, they could only do so much (endure so much)—thus, they respected her wishes and kept their distance. After that, the former Queen refused to let anyone touch her, or go anywhere near her and covered every inch of skin (even during the most unbearable summers), since she was absolutely terrified of the consequences. However, now as warm arms wrapped (strongly & securely) around her and something started nuzzling against her hip with a content purr, she decided to Hell with it all, and that it wouldn't be so bad to let someone in.
Because she was only human and she was so tired of being alone.
Unbeknownst to her, the storm had finally stopped.
They stood there for a long time, the three of them; Toothless nuzzling against Elsa's hip and making soft coos every once in a while, the fair woman whose head was buried in the crook of Hiccup's neck as she continued to cry (letting it all out) and the rider who continued to hold onto her tightly.
The Night Fury pulled his head back a bit and looked up to his friend to see how he was reacting and was very pleased to see the Chief was now wearing a calm, content smile.
Even though he had been through so much the past few years, Hiccup was still the same Hiccup he met in those woods. He might be taller and stronger—but he was still the same good person who would stop at nothing to ease another's sufferings, no matter how dangerous or undeserving they may be.
Astrid described Hiccup as compassionate and the black dragon thought it was a fitting word for his friend. However, she also said that it would be also one of his greatest flaws and could lead him into a lot of trouble if he wasn't too careful. That's why the rider had always looked to her for guidance when he was struggling to make the right decision and she always managed to make things clearer for him.
That's one of the things Toothless missed the most about Astrid. She had always looked out for Hiccup when the Night Fury couldn't. She would talk to him and smack sense in him when he was being too stubborn to listen to anybody else, except now she was gone, and Hiccup was on his own.
He didn't talk about it much, but the dragon knew that his friend was still hurting from a lot of things—losing his mate, his unborn offspring and his father.
And yet, seeing the two humans embrace one another, Toothless knew that he'd be okay.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day. And maybe, even though she had so many struggles of her own, maybe Elsa would be able to help heal the cracks in his heart and fix him.
Maybe.
Author's Note: And we're done! Oh man, this took a lot out of me! If you thought last chapter was a feels trip, then grab your passport because this was feels expedition! Seriously, I'm exhausted and emotionally drained! Although, that might be because I found it to be a little repititive. Fortunately, TheWritingFactory was there to give me a few suggestions and Maxaro was there to edit my disorientation - with both them, this chapter was able to flow so thanks guys.
So anyway, what did you guys think? Loved it? Hated it? Got emotional just reading it? Thought it was too short? This was originally apart of the previous chapter, however, I really wanted to use the lyrics of "Shattered" by Trading Yesterday to convey Hiccup & Elsa's emotions because I feel they were just written for these two, lol! Although I've seen a wonderful Elsa amv by Scurvied (very emotional, strongly recommend watching it), here's the link:
www . youtube watch ? v = H1jsbUtsrNQ
I would love to make an AMV using this song or "Fix you" by Coldplay, but I'm not particularly great at video editing. Writing's definitely more of my thing.
Now on a another note, I've something pretty awesome to tell you guys. I got a PM from tiger1712 whose been so inspired by this fanfic that she actually made a WEBSITE of it! HOW COOL IS THAT! As you can tell, I'm excited and it's gotten me thinking that if anyone else is inspired by this story to get creative, let me know and we can put it on the website. It can be fanart, AMVs, poetry, ideas - ANYTHING! The link is on my profile if you want to check it out.
A big thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter (and for this entire story in general) - seriously, you guys are AMAZING! I really wouldn't have been able to have gotten so far without your kind words and endless support; I really appreciate it. So in saying that, please review and I'll talk to you next time!
All the best, Water-Star.
