Chapter 9
"Sean, you wanted to see me?" Korsak asked as he stuck his head into Cavanaugh's office. He had a feeling he wasn't going to like what he was about to hear. It was bad enough that it was Saturday and he was still at the station trying to get caught up on paperwork. Now, he was getting pulled into Sean's office.
"Yeah Vince, come in for a second," Cavanaugh said as he looked up from the files on his desk. He let Korsak sit down in the chair before he started. "That crime scene you babysat last night for Rodriguez and Crowe is going to be re-assigned to Rizzoli and Frost."
"Why? They weren't on call this weekend. It should stay with Crowe."
Cavanaugh shook his head. "Normally I would say yes. But I just got the ballistics report back from the lab and there is a match. The gun that shot our second John Doe last night was the same gun used to shoot Rizzoli's John Doe from Thursday morning."
"Wait a minute. Are you telling me that Crowe and Rodriguez haven't been able to ID that guy from last night yet?"
"No hits from AFIS or CODIS so far. He is a second John Doe. No cell, no wallet, no vehicle keys found. Crowe is reviewing Missing Person's reports now but it doesn't look promising. The ballistics report links the gun so at this point these two shootings are related and I want Rizzoli as the primary."
"Two seemingly unidentifiable John Does shot with the same gun within three days of each other? I don't think I like the direction this is turning Sean," Korsak said.
"Neither do I Vince. Get with Crowe and Rodriguez and see where they are on John Doe #2. Feel free to call in Frost and Rizzoli from their weekend off if you think you need to."
Korsak shook his head. "No. Let them both enjoy it. I don't even think Jane is in town. I'll get what I can from Crowe and I'll see where Dr. O'Malley is on processing John Doe #2. I have a feeling we are in a waiting-for-labs mode right now anyway."
R&I
Wrong, wrong, wrong! It was all wrong. What did I just do? How could I have made this big of a mistake? What if I just ruined everything?
It took everything Maura had to stay locked in on the stare the two ladies had going in that moment. She knew if she blinked everything would be over before it even got started. She couldn't let Jane see anything but love, hope and warmth reflecting back at her. She couldn't let the panic she was feeling force her to break the eye contact. She couldn't let the panic show because she knew Jane would misinterpret those feelings. She was panicking. But it wasn't because she regretted what she had just said. She had meant every word of it. She was panicking about how she had just said it. She had fumbled the delivery and feared she lost the meaning of her message as a result. She needed to try to fix this. So she refused to relinquish Jane's eyes. She was not about to make a second mistake tonight.
Her first one might have just cost her everything. She held her breath and tried to center her thoughts. She didn't want Jane to see even a trace of uncertainty in her eyes. Instead, she willed her eyes to convey to Jane all that she wished and hoped. She wanted Jane to only see love. Hope for a future together. Acceptance. The promise of feelings being reciprocated. But in that moment her mind was racing and she struggled to quiet the storm. In that moment she was angry with herself.
It had happened all wrong. This wasn't what she had intended. This was not how she had pictured this moment in her dreams. In her dreams she was smooth. Confident. She had long since realized she would have to be the one. The one to make the first move. The one to push Jane in just the right way when it was time to walk this path. The one to make Jane feel safe enough to admit what Maura had known all along. What Maura had felt all along as well.
She knew she was always going to be the one to use the 'L' word first. But, in her dreams, when that moment came it was romantic and storied. It wasn't this. In her dreams there was always soft, romantic music playing in the background. Somehow there were candles all about to help set the mood. This wasn't that moment. This wasn't what she wanted or how she wanted it. Sitting in a boat on a lake in the midst of a conversation about an issue unrelated to how each felt about the other was not how this was supposed to happen.
When Maura dreamt of this moment everything was supposed to be perfect. She was supposed to be completely confident that Jane was ready to hear what she had to say. She was supposed to be sure that Jane felt the same way. It was supposed to be magical. It was supposed to be the best moment in her life. It was supposed to be the moment when she got what she wanted most. The moment when she finally got Jane. This wasn't that moment.
In her dreams, Maura delivered the perfect speech using all the right words. Her speech would convey the depth of her feelings for Jane. The words would do justice to how wonderful Jane was. The words would be just what Jane both wanted and needed to hear. The words would be what made Jane accept that the two of them were destined to share a life together. But this wasn't her dream. This was reality and in this reality she had said it all wrong. Used all the wrong words. The words came out jumbled and cloaked. She had gotten it all wrong.
In this reality she wasn't sure if Jane was ready for any of what she had just said. In this reality she wasn't even sure she had been clear about what she was trying to say. She tried to play back the words in her head but that only made things worse. She really had messed it all up. It wasn't supposed to be this difficult. It was supposed to just flow naturally from her lips to Jane's ears. She was just supposed to say 'I love you' and Jane was just supposed to know she meant it and that it was all going to be ok. But this wasn't that moment. And Maura had gotten it all wrong.
This wasn't that moment. As Maura worked to stay locked in the gaze of Jane's eyes still refusing to relinquish her hold the reality of what happened continued to sink in. This really wasn't that moment. And that meant, for Maura, she wasn't going to get the next moment from her dreams either. She had gotten it all wrong. She was now going to be deprived of the next moment.
In Maura's dreams, the moment immediately following her eloquent declaration of love was supposed to be the second best moment of her life. In her dreams, the next moment after this was supposed to be Jane's acceptance. Her complete and total acceptance of the love Maura had for her. The next moment was supposed to be Jane's understanding that she wasn't alone in her feelings. The next moment was supposed to be the realization that they had both finally found their way to each other. To where they each belonged. But since this wasn't that moment, Maura wasn't going to get her next moment either.
She wasn't going to get the reassurance she now so desperately needed. She wasn't going to see the relief she thought she would see from the deepest set of brown eyes she had ever known. In her dreams, relief would wash over Jane as she heard and accepted Maura's declaration as truth. Relief that they were both ready to face their tomorrow together. As one. But that next moment wasn't coming. Because Maura had said it all wrong.
R&I
Stay calm. Just breathe. Think! Did she just say what I think she said? I need to be sure. This can't be wishful thinking. If I'm wrong, if she didn't just say that, I could ruin everything.
For Jane it felt like time stopped. Her mind was racing as she desperately tried to comprehend the things that Maura had just said. She heard them. She heard all of them. She just wasn't sure if she trusted what she heard. It wasn't Maura that she doubted. It was herself.
She didn't know if she could trust what she thought she heard. There was a decent chance her mind could be playing tricks on her. That somehow she had just convinced herself that Maura had just said that. Asked that. Implied that. It was quite possible that Jane let herself hear what she so desperately wanted to hear but not what Maura had actually said.
She wanted to close her eyes to help concentrate on replaying Maura's comments in her head. But she found that she couldn't. Maura had captured Jane's eyes and seemed to be refusing to let them go. Jane felt almost paralyzed by Maura's stare. Unable to move, to blink even, Jane was forced to reconstruct Maura's words as she sat staring at the beauty that was in front of her.
"Jane, you save me every single day…."
"…why haven't you told me that you love me?"
"…why don't you let me love you in return?"
There was a chance that this was all a dream. It wouldn't be the first time. She had dreams about Maura all the time. Dreams that they were together, truly together. Dreams of a life being built. Shared. Dreams where Jane was brave enough to declare her love for the best person she had ever known. Dreams where that woman felt the exact same way about her. This very easily could be a dream. A dream that would end as soon as the alarm clock buzzed as it so often had in the past.
But there was no alarm buzzing. No cell phone ringing. No distant call of a voice trying to stir the sleeping detective. This wasn't that. Jane wasn't asleep. She was wide awake and very aware of where she was and who she was with. Maura sat next to her. Her eyes still locked into Jane's. They were sitting in a boat on the lake of her childhood. Oddly the circumstances and surroundings had the makings of a dream. But Jane wasn't asleep. And she knew it. What she now needed to knew was had Maura really meant what she had said.
She stared at Maura trying to see if there was any indication from her as to whether what had happened had in fact just happened. Her eyes locked into the hypnotic hazel eyes that were staring back at her. Jane needed to read those eyes. She needed to understand the look on Maura's face and what it meant in that moment. She needed to be absolutely sure. Because if…if by some chance Maura had just said what Jane thought she heard, then this could be the moment.
This could be the moment when Jane finally told her best friend she was in love with her. The moment she pushed through her concerns about altering the best thing she had in her life in the hopes that such an alteration would make things better for them both. The moment Jane would put it all on the line because quite frankly Maura was worth going all out for. This could be the moment that changed everything.
This could be the moment Jane had denied herself for so long. The moment she decided to risk the safety of a friendship she had come to depend upon for the possibility of something more. Something better. The moment she allowed herself to believe she could move forward without the limitations. Without the boundaries and cautionary warnings that had up until now dictated her daily interactions with Maura. Without the slew of rules she had created for herself on what she could or couldn't, should or shouldn't do or say to the woman that captivated her So. This could be the moment that changed everything.
This could be the moment Jane finally convinced herself that every excuse she had for not telling Maura how she felt about her was just that. An excuse. A flimsy justification created to hide the real underlying issuAnd and concerns. The rationalizations Jane used to avoid confronting her own insecurities that would always creep into her consciousness. The insecurities that had long ago convinced her that she wasn't worthy of someone as wonderful as Maura. That hers was a life destined for heartache and loneliness. Roadblocks and barriers placed not by circumstance or outside factors but by Jane in an effort to insulate herself from the possibility of rejection. This could be that moment that changed everything.
This could be the moment Jane took her shot. The moment she stood up and decided to go for everything that she truly wanted in life. The moment she let go of all the fear and let herself see that it was all right in front of her for the taking. All she had to do was take that first step. Make that first move. Decide. For Maura. For herself. If she could convince herself that Maura had meant what she had just said, this really could be themoment that changed everything.
R&I
This was that moment.
It didn't matter that Maura had gotten it all wrong. For this wasn't Maura's moment. This was Jane's. The moment that was, in fact, going to change everything. Jane had heard Maura right. And more importantly, Jane was about to get this moment right.
She didn't blink. She didn't blush. She didn't hurry the movements. She very slowly, very deliberately stood up from the seat that just moments before felt like it had iron restraints keeping her from moving a single muscle. She stood up and with eyes still locked in on each other she closed the distance between herself and Maura.
She didn't speak. She barely took a breath. But once she was close enough she reached out and took Maura's hands into her own. She gave a gentle, reassuring squeeze but at the same time she tugged on them to indicate to Maura her desire for Maura to stand. She complied without question. Eyes still locked into each other.
Jane released Maura's hands letting them fall to her side while her own rose up to cup either side of Maura's face. Hands placed gently, barely making contact with Maura's skin. She paused and still their eyes stayed locked in on each other.
This was the moment.
Jane leaned her head forward slightly resting her forehead for a brief moment on the forehead of the woman in front of her. The closeness, the intensity of the anticipation of what both women now knew was about to happen was palpable. Jane took in the moment. The sound of the water gently splashing up against the boat. The intoxicating scent that was distinctly Maura. The feel of the warmth radiating from Maura's cheeks even though there was a chill in the nighttime air. The distance, ambient sounds a mixture of music, the chaotic chorus of carnival rides or electronic games and snippets of conversations from the fairgrounds. Jane marked every second of this moment with every sense she had available.
The moment that changed everything.
And then in one swift, confident motion Jane leaned in and allowed her lips to capture the ones that that had long been the object of her most secret desires. And for the first time in what felt like ages, their eyes broke the gaze that connected them having been sufficiently replaced by two pairs of now fully engaged lips.
This was the moment Maura was finally hers.
A/N Ok guys…the reviews and PMs from the last few chapters have been amazing. You all are awesome! For those of you who posted as a guest that I am not able to reply back to I just wanted to throw out a quick 'Thanks!' and 'Continue to Enjoy' since I can't respond individually. I am truly humbled by the support. Still LOTS to cover….so I go back to the laptop. Until tomorrow….
