O.K, first off I want to say a big sorry for not updating this in ages, but I had some much stuff going on with school, coupled with writers block and it doesn't really make a good mix. But thanks to a much needed push from Ocean of Ashes you are now getting the next chapter of "Bend and Not Break". I hope that you enjoy it! And also, I want to thank those who reviewed the last chapter:
Siddika, modscho, butterflyswest, IrishPixie82, Updates-Please and last but not least, Ocean of Ashes.
The lyrics at the start of this chapter are from "Great Escape" by Pat Monahan. And also, the street name is made up as I don't know any.
Chapter Nine - Someone Like You
And I need you
Everybody needs someone like you
If you need me too
You would be the only thing that I'd take
On my great escape
Ray was sitting at the kitchen table, his eyes staring forward as he rested his face in his hands. Today was the day that he was going to see the therapist that Neela had phoned earlier in the week, an appointment being made too soon for Rays liking. The only thing that he knew about the therapist was that he had been working in the profession for the past twenty odd years. Of course whether or not the therapist was a man or a creature with three heads and five arms made no difference to Ray, he was scared out of his mind and didn't want to go…not that he would tell Neela that. She had been so pleased that she had got an appointment so soon; hoping that this was a step in the right direction for Ray, but the truth was he wasn't so sure. He had talked briefly with Luka and that hadn't helped, he had tried talking to Neela about it countless of times and they all ended the same way, him sobbing into her chest, just as scared and ashamed about what had happened as he was before.
Looking up when he heard the bathroom door opening, Ray smiled at Neela as he made her way over to him, cupping his cheek in her hand and leaning forward to place a gentle kiss on his lips. Pulling back, she ran a hand through his hair and said,
"How you feeling?"
Looking at her with a smile, Ray said in what he hoped was a cheery voice,
"Good"
Sitting down in the seat beside him, Neela pulled her chair so that she was closer to Ray and took his hand in her own, dark skin covering light as he cupped his hand in her own, stroking the back of his wrist lightly with her thumb as he spoke,
"Good, I'm glad that you are Ray" Pausing, she tried to think how to continue before saying, "But I want you to know that just because you go and talk to somebody about what happened, then I don't expect you to be better right away, or all the time for that matter"
Nodding his head in response, Ray gave her a sad smile as he put his other hand on top of hers.
"I also want you to know that if you want to talk to me then you can, I'm still here for you…I love you and I want to help you"
Smiling, Ray leaned forward and kissed her, cupping her cheek with his hand, his thumb running gently over her cheek as she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer and deepening the kiss. Pulling back breathless, Neela leaned her forehead against Rays as she said with a small smile of her own,
"We should get going if we're going to make it on time"
Neela and Ray where sitting in the back of a taxi, deciding that it would be a better means of transport than the EL and at least this way they could ensure that they were brought to the front door, neither being one hundred percent sure on the exact location of the building. Ray was looking out the window, lost in his own thoughts when he felt Neela slip her hand into his and give it a small squeeze, his face turning to look at her with a smile before leaning over and placing a gentle kiss on the lips.
"Where are you going to go for an hour?" Ray asked. Neela wasn't coming to this session, but he wondered where exactly she was planning on going. He didn't want her sitting bored out of her mind all day, but he also knew that if he felt the presence of her close to the room then it would be easier, but he didn't want to sound selfish and so he didn't ask her to stay.
"Probably just go and get a coffee in the cafeteria and catch up on some reading" She said with a grin as she pulled a Cosmopolitan magazine from her bag. Nodding his head, Ray let his gaze travel back to the window, watching the stream of cars, buildings and people pass him by in a blur, the taxi coming to a halt sooner than he thought.
Opening the door after paying the driver, Ray held the door open for Neela and helped her out, still holding onto her hand as the taxi pulled away. Looking up at the sign that read, "Boland Medical Centre", Ray took a deep breath and then stepped forward, Neela falling in step with him as they made their way to the front door and inside, noting how small it was, only a few other people sitting in the chairs outside the one room.
Walking up to the desk, Ray smiled slightly at the elderly woman behind the desk, who had greying hair and appeared to be in her early forties. She looked up at him and said in a soft voice, a smile on her own face,
"How can I help you?"
Looking at Neela briefly, who gave him a reassuring smile, and then turning his attention back to the woman behind the desk, who he then answered by saying,
"Am, I have an appointment to see Dr. Mills…Ray Barnett" He watched as she typed his name into the computer, her blue eyes scanning the screen quickly before she looked at him with a smile and said,
"O.K, if you'd like to take a seat over there, he shouldn't be too long"
Nodding his head, Ray walked over and sat down, Neela taking a seat beside him and taking his hand in hers. Looking around the room, Ray looked at Neela when he felt her hand on his cheek, and smiled at her.
"After here if you feel like it we could go out to a movie or something?" Neela didn't want Ray to think that when he left all he had to look forward to was going home and probably dwelling on whatever it was they had talked about. She had briefly spoke to Dr. Mills and he had suggested to her that they should just go on like normal, that trying to make Ray talk all the time wasn't the best option, it would probably make him want to bottle up even more.
Smirking, Ray said,
"Even if it's scary…because I know what you're like" He laughed at the look on her face as she said,
"Not all of them", and that comment just received a disbelieving look from him before he said with a small nod of his head and a bright smile,
"Sure, that sounds good"
Leaning her head against his shoulder as the minutes ticked by, both stuck in their own little world, Ray having lifted a magazine from the small coffee table in front of him and flipping through it, Neela flipping through the magazine that she had brought herself. Soon, both were pulled from what they were doing when Dr Mills walked out and said with a warm voice and a soft smile,
"Ray Barnett"
Ray looked up and set the magazine back down, giving Neela a small smile before walking over to Dr Mills, the other man extending his hand towards Ray, who took it, and gave it a quick shake before saying,
"Come on in"
Walking in, Ray sat down on the sofa that Dr Mills indicated to and watched as the other man took his own seat in a large leather chair. Dr Mills was a man of about six foot three in height and he had slightly greying hair, although his face would cause anyone to debate his age, which was in fact mid forties, but he only looked late thirties. He wore a black shirt and a pair of grey trousers, looking very professional and smart, and when he spoke it was with a friendly and polite tone.
"Well Ray, I'm Roger Mills and I'm going to be your therapist for as long as you need me" He smiled at Ray before adding, "And please, call me Roger, no formalities needed in here"
Ray smiled as he nodded his head in response, actually finding that he liked Roger. He had thought that he was going to be a pretentious pain in the ass that was going to spout a lot of crap to Ray about his feelings and be very straight and narrow. Roger seemed to be using a more friendly approach, and Ray would be lying if he said he didn't find it comforting.
"So, your girlfriend, Nina?"
"Neela" Ray said with a smile, remembering that she was just outside and the plans that they had for the night. He pushed them back however, knowing that he had to focus on what they were discussing or else he wouldn't be giving himself any chance at getting better.
"Yes, Neela, she told me what happened…and I want you to know from right now that it isn't anything that you should be embarrassed or ashamed about"
Ray shifted in his seat and pulled at the cuff of the jacket that he was wearing, feeling uncomfortable all of a sudden. O.K, so maybe this was going to be harder than he had just let himself think. Seeing the change in body language, Roger leaned forward slightly as he said,
"Is that how you feel Ray?"
Shrugging his shoulders as he avoided eye contact, Ray said in a quiet voice,
"I don't know…maybe, sometimes"
Roger noted something down on his jotter before looking at Ray and asking,
"Why do you feel like that?"
Ray looked at Roger and blinked a few times, he mouth opening to say something but shutting again before he finally said,
"Because…I let it happen…I shouldn't have let it happen" Ray looked down at his hands in his lap before looking back up at Roger, who had an unreadable expression on his face as he continued to write on his jotter, obviously commenting on everything that Ray said and did.
"But you didn't let it happen Ray, your father made it happen"
Ray looked at Roger with a slightly confused face, not really understanding what he had meant with his statement. Sensing this, Roger then said,
"What I mean is Ray, just because you couldn't stop him doesn't mean that you didn't try" Pausing a moment, he asked, "You'd just been released from the hospital a few days after an incident with you're father, isn't that right?"
Ray nodded his head, his mind flashing back to the moment that his father had stabbed him and the feeling of fear that had rushed through his veins as he lay in the alley.
"Yeah" Ray said as he looked back at Roger, his eyes meeting his for a brief moment before looking back down again.
"Was this the only time he had ever done anything to you?" Roger asked as he set his jotter down and leaned his elbows on his thighs, his hands cupped together as he looked at Ray with sympathetic eyes.
Shaking his head, Ray choked out the word "No", before crossing his arms over his chest, a defensive mechanism that he had adopted since he was younger.
"What had he done to you Ray?"
Ray shrugged his shoulders as he looked out the small window, trying to stop Roger from seeing the tears that were beginning to well up in his eyes.
"Just stuff…he just…"Ray trailed off, not wanting to finish the sentence. He hated the fact that he could remember every touch and every word that his father had said to him each and every time he had even done something.
Moving from his seat to the small coffee table that sat between him and Ray, Roger placed his hand warily on Ray's knee, causing the younger man to look at him, the tears that were welling up in his eyes visible to him. In a soft and compassionate voice he said,
" I know this is probably the ten thousandth time that you've heard this, but it helps by talking…getting things off your chest is the best way to deal with something, trust me" He added the last part with a small smile, earning one from Ray as he slouched down slightly in the chair, looking at Roger.
"He would never have done that before she died you know" Ray said, "Never did. I was the one who killed her" Ray stopped and took a deep breath, closing his eyes as he remembered the look of his mother as she lay beside him in the chair. Opening them again, he forced out in a choked voice that sounded slightly like a strangled sob, "that's how it's my fault"
Shaking his head, Roger said quickly,
"What happened to your mother wasn't your fault, and that's the first thing that you have you realise. What happened was a terrible accident and it had nothing to do with you, even if you were driving"
Outside in the waiting room, Neela was sitting in the same chair, flipping through her magazine. She was constantly looking at her watch to check the time, growing annoyed at the fact that the minutes seemed to be dragging by. It wasn't because she wanted to leave, partially yes, but not out of selfishness from being bored waiting, but because she wanted to be at home with Ray, lost in each other and for at least one night not having to worry or think about the events of the past few weeks.
Sighing, she flipped through the pages again, her eyes lifting to look at the door every so often.
Back inside the room, Ray was sitting in the same position, listening as Roger spoke, having moved so that he was sitting on the chair beside Ray.
"So Ray, I think that the first thing we're going to have to work on is getting you to realise that what happened to both you and your mother wasn't you're fault…because once you see that then this is going to be a lot easier for you to get through this"
Ray nodded his head as he let out a humourless laugh and said,
"You make it sound so easy"
Roger smiled at Ray as he said,
"Well, it will be at times, but at other times you're going to feel like crap and want to give up…but you can't because you have people who love you and who are here to help you"
Looking at his watch and seeing that the time was almost up, Roger patted Ray on the knee as he said,
"Well, I think that today was good, hard, but good. And until next week I want you to try and relax O.K, go out and have some fun"
Ray smiled and nodded his head in agreement, saying,
"I'll try", a hint of a laugh in his voice. Pushing himself up, Ray extended his hand to Roger, who shook it and said,
"Thanks"
Roger smiled as he shook his head and said,
"Hey, you're the one who done the sharing, I was just listening and being a helpful ear…and I will be the same time next week"
Ray laughed, sensing that Roger wasn't one who took flattery about his job, and made his way to the door, Roger following to call in his next patient. Walking out, he smiled at Neela as she lifted her head and practically jumped from the seat, taking his hand in hers.
Pushing the door open and stepping onto the street, Neela wrapped her free arm around Ray's waist as she stopped in front of him, looking up into his face to see if she could tell how he was feeling. Before she could ask however, Ray leaned down and kissed her, letting go of her hand so he could cup her cheek with his hands, rubbing his thumb over her cheek. Pulling back, he rested his forehead against hers as he said in a soft voice,
"How about we just rent something tonight and stay in…just us, nobody else"
Nodding in head, Neela kissed Ray once more before hugging him to her. Removing her arms from his waist, Neela took his hand and flagged down a taxi, climbing into it, Ray behind her.
It was two hours later and Ray and Neela were finally home, a Chinese take out and a rented DVD of "The Shinning" with them. Setting the take out on the counter in the kitchen, Neela got out plates as Ray set up the DVD. Turning to look at him, she smiled, not believing how much love she felt for one person. Setting the plates down, she walked over to where he was crouched and wrapped her arms around him from behind, kissing the side of his neck.
"Hey" Ray said as he turned his head to look at her with a smile, kissing her on the cheek. Neela hugged him tighter before standing back up and walking back to the kitchen, this time Ray watching her with a smile on his face.
Neela walked back to the living room, carrying two plates in her hands, Ray going and getting two beers from the fridge and sitting down beside Neela, handing one to her.
"Thanks" She said with a smile as she took it from him.
"You won't be saying that when this films over" Ray said with a laugh as he hit play on the remote, laughing at the look of horror on her face as the screen faded to black and the titles appeared on the screen.
The film was nearly over and Neela was lying with her back to the back on the sofa, her elbow propping her up as she looked at Ray. He was lying with his back to her chest, her other arm wrapped around his lean waist, his hand holding onto hers. Every time a scary part of the film had appeared, Neela had buried her face into the back of Ray's shoulder, causing him to laugh a little each time, her arm tightening its hold around his waist.
As the credits rolled, Ray moved to lift the remote and turn it off, but Neela stopped him with her arm, her nose nuzzling into his neck as she said,
"Leave it, it'll turn itself off"
Smiling, Ray settled back against her, and closed his eyes at the sensation of her breath tickling his neck as she breathed. They stayed like that for a few more minutes before Neela broke the silence, saying in a low voice,
"How did it go today?" she kissed his neck before looking down at him, watching his facial expression as he answered in an equally soft voice,
"Fine…it was good"
Neela smiled as she kissed his neck again, smiling into the kiss as she felt him unconsciously move his neck to give her more access, obviously enjoying it as much as she was. Pulling back, Neela said,
"You know that you can talk to me if you want to, right?" She wasn't pushing him into talking, but she wanted to let him know that he could if he felt that he needed to.
Turning to look at her, Neela arms now lying across his back as his own wrapped around her waist, Ray said with a smile,
"I know, but I don't…not today anyway" Leaning forward, he kissed her, smiling into the kiss as he felt her hand push its way under his loose t-shirt, running over the skin that she found.
Moving so that he was lying on his back and Neela was on top, her hands on his chest, Ray looked up at her as he said with a tender smile,
"I love you"
Neela felt the smile on her face grow wider, and even though she had heard him say those words before, every time that he did, and she could see the look in his eyes, she knew that it was true, her heart bursting with happiness. Leaning down, she kissed him tenderly before pulling back, her hand cupping his cheek as she said,
"I love you too"
And there we have it, Chapter 9! I hope that you all liked and please review and let me know what you think. I plan on taking this in a happier route now, so if you liked the bit at the end, you should be happy too!
