I seriously had trouble with this one. It just didn't want to be written. At all. And even now, I think I forced it a bit. Just warning my loyal readers, this one won't go down in history as a classic.
(Link)
Snake tied Link's hands behind his back, tied his legs up so that they were folded up, stuck a gag in his mouth, and threw him into a nearby dumpster. "Mission complete."
Suddenly, Link popped up behind him. "You forgot my fairy!"
Snake stabbed him in the neck, and he fell back into the dumpster. "As I said; mission complete."
"What about –"
"Mission. Complete."
"But –"
Snake suck some C4 on Link, got a safe distance away, got out some popcorn, pressed the button, and watched the fun begin.
(Kasuto)
Kasuto stretched slowly, appreciating the time he had left to live. Of course, it was a mystery why he hadn't died yet from getting his heart stabbed, but that's a mystery that's already been solved (See: last chapter).
"I still don't know how the others are doing." Kasuto sighed. "I guess it's up to me to save them. Again." He pulled the spear out of his chest like it was nothing, set it aside, and got to his feet.
It was then that the family that had bought the Kasuto shish kabob came into the dining room, where Kasuto had been cooking. They stared, wide-mouthed as Kasuto nervously waved.
"Hi…"
"Kill him!"
Kasuto squeaked and ran for his life.
(Navi)
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" roared King Dodongo from the floor, in the middle of beating the ground with his fist. "He SERIOUSLY thought that he would fly on K.G.?"
"And then…" Navi gasped, "Chuck Norris roundhoused K.G. out of midair!"
"Haaa…" gasped Ghoma, wiping a tear from her eye. "Listening to your group screw up makes me think you don't even need our help!"
"No, we don't," agreed Navi. "It would be nice though. Just to solidify us failing."
"Hang on…" mused Kingy. "How come you're helping us, anyway? I thought you wanted to help the Deku Stump?"
"Meh," Navi answered with a shrug. "I don't really care who I side with, as long as I get to kill stuff."
Ghoma began motioning to King Dodongo to move away from the psychopath ASAP. Kingy, however, didn't notice her and continued talking.
"Oh, so you like to kill stuff too!"
"Yep. And it's even better when your victims can respawn, so you can kill them again!"
"A psychopath's dream…" said King Dodongo wistfully.
"You betcha," Navi replied, shaking her head.
(Kasuto)
Kasuto dove into the alley behind the potion shop and got out his Tanooki Suit. He had just finished pulling it on when he heard the voices of people coming closer.
"Crap! Gotta hurry, gotta hurry!" he thought anxiously, turning the suit on. He had just turned into his statue form when the people chasing him came around the turn into the alley.
Every single one of them paused. All of them had seen that weird boy go into this alley, yet there was nothing there apart from an old abandoned statue of somebody left in the middle of it, and about twenty feet behind it, there was a dead end.
"He must've gotten away," their leader muttered. Kasuto almost let out a sigh in his relief, which would've been very bad; his disguise was very flimsy, and would fall apart at the slightest movement. Kasuto's sigh, though, was a few minutes too early.
"That's an interesting statue, boys. I don't see why it wouldn't fetch a pretty penny if we sold it," the leader announced after examining the statue of Kasuto. Kasuto almost let out a squeak of fear in his panic.
(Link)
As you probably guessed, Link respawned outside Kakariko Village again, killing the guard who had sold the shish kabob out of surprise at his appearance. Link stared at the unmoving body for a moment, shrugged, and continued on his way.
He had to find Navi and Kasuto. They were his friends. He fought for his friends.
And yet, that was the complicated version of the explanation inside Link's head.
(Cutaway to the inside of Link's head)
A childish drawing of Link waved a sword around, yelling gibberish in speech bubbles.
"Ho! Hiyaah! Hut! Agh!"
Very mysterious, Link's head.
(Navi)
"So, we're settled?" asked Navi as she was getting up from her cozy spot on the cave floor. The group of villains and Navi had been sitting around, trading stories (including Ghoma, when she managed to get the courage to sit next to a pair of psychopaths) around a fire that Kingy had made by eating a lot of spicy foods and then breathing fire on a piece of ground. The resulting explosion eradicated the rest of the Gorons that had survived the previous explosion.
"Do we really need a narrator?" asked Navi. "They seem so expendable."
"Yes, yes we do," Ghoma answered with a sigh. "We would only be able to talk. We wouldn't be able to move. At all."
"I know," Navi argued, "but ours is so annoying."
"Touché…"
"Anyway," Kingy interrupted, "we've got to get moving. Those 'Light Warriors' won't fail by themselves."
Navi coughed.
"Alright," King Dodongo conceded, "they will fail. But they won't fail epically."
(Kasuto)
"Alright boys, just move 'im in here," ordered the general store shopkeeper, as the people who found Kasuto's statue (though they didn't exactly know that) brought him in, placing him in the store's window, so that anyone who passed by could see the statue of a boy crying out in pain.
Some people are really sick.
They really are.
I wonder where the others are.
Maybe they moved on.
Thoughts like this ran through Kasuto's head as he was placed in the window, letting people catch a glimpse of the newly-acquired statue of Kasuto, who looked to be in pain from something.
"Hey…that looks like Link!" thought Kasuto as he saw someone that looked familiar dart through the crowd.
It was Link.
(Link)
Link darted through the crowd, looking for any trace of his 'friends.' Or ice cream, whichever came first.
"Hey, that looks like Kasuto! Except, why's he standing in a window? And why's he standing still? And why's he look like that? What's the meaning of life? Why're we all here?"
The rest of the crowd parted around Link, all subconsciously deciding to avoid the kid who was talking to himself.
"I've got to talk to him!" Link decided. He darted through the crowd of people to the general store, and walked over to the window. He tapped the glass.
"HEY!" yelled the shopkeeper, making Link jump. "CAN'T YOU READ?"
He pointed to a sign on the window, which said 'don't tap the glass! Or you DIE!'
"You tapped the glass. THAT MEANS YOU DIE!" The shopkeeper pulled out a chainsaw, which looked suspiciously like Navi's old chainsaw…
"Hey look! A distraction!" Kasuto shouted from behind Link. Both Link and the shopkeeper stared in random directions. Kasuto sighed, grabbed Link and ran. Ee tapped the glass.
"Hey! I was looking for the distraction!"
(Navi)
People are beginning to think I'm going insane. What do they know?
Of course, the fact that I'm already insane helps.
Wait, why am I rambling inside my head?
Oh right, the insane part.
Oh hey, is that Link and Kasuto?
Why are they running?
Is that a shopkeeper chasing them?
Is that my chainsaw?
It is, isn't it?
…That guy is dead! No one can use my chainsaw other than me!
(Link)
Link heard an explosion from out of nowhere as he was running. He turned his head, saw something white speeding towards him, and saw blackness. Until he respawned again, of course.
Link respawned in front of the Kakariko graveyard, and saw someone with a yo-yo, holding it by the string. The person (they were wearing a hood) began swinging the yo-yo, and Link's eyes followed its' every movement…until the person was beheaded by someone with a chainsaw.
"I still got it!" cheered Navi, holding her chainsaw in midair. Something suddenly clicked in her brain, and she turned to look at Link, who was sweating. "Oh, Liiiink!"
(Navi)
After Navi had finished mutiliating Link's dead body, she paused. Her urge to kill had still not been sated. She needed more.
Navi turned to the nearest townsperson.
"Het townsperson.
"He, is there any place here where someone can kill indiscriminately?" she asked. The woman thought for a moment.
"Well, there's the inn…"
"Thanks. As a reward, you'll be the first to die!"
(Kasuto)
Kasuto walked into the inn, stood there for a moment, and rubbed his eyes.
"Is it just me, or were the walls brown last time we were here?" he asked. Navi turned around from where she was hovering in the middle of the room, bloodlust in her eyes.
"…Fuck."
Navi revved her chainsaw.
Several hours later
"Well, we're banned from ever setting foot in Kakariko Village again. Are you two happy?" Navi asked, glaring at the two of them.
"We didn't do anything!" Kasuto protested. Navi cut his head off. He respawned in front of them, tapping his foot.
"How many times can you do that, anyway?" asked Navi.
Kasuto shrugged. "Dunno."
Navi sighed. She would kill them all, anyway. "So, who here's happy?"
Link raised his hand. Navi chopped it off with her chainsaw. "Rhetorical question."
Link raised his other hand. Navi chopped that one off too. "I'm not answering that."
Well…it's longer than the last chapter. That's gotta count for something, right? And, before I forget, I edited a few of the older chapters because when I was rereading this, several typos jumped out at me (not literally), but I don't think I got them all. aHaa
