Sorry it took me so long guys. It was kind of a busy weekend, and as you can see, kind of a long chapter. But I really wanted to get it up on Sunday (okay, so technically it's Monday now, but just barely. And it's probably still Saturday for some of you.). I didn't have time to check over it as much as I wanted, so let me know about any mistakes you find please!
And I think ALL Seddie fans will know what episode some of this dialogue came from. ;)
Disclaimer: Didn't we cover this already? Was Abe Lincoln not enough for you to believe me? Alright, for those of you who are still skeptical: I don't own iCarly.
That's it, I thought. My life is over. Done. Finished. I'm never going to live this down. I'll have to go into hiding forever. I'll have to change my name and move to Mexico. Who am I kidding? I can't afford to move to Mexico. I'll just have to become a hobo. Yeah, that could work. I bet if I grew a beard no one would recognize me…
Maybe I should back up a little.
It all started the other day when I was walking down the hall after school. It had been the first day back at school after winter break, and I was in a pretty good mood. I'd aced my biology exam, been elected as vice president of the AV club, and had gotten to eat fish sticks for lunch. It had been a good day.
At least, until right then it had been good. As soon as I got near my locker, I knew something was wrong. Something fishy was going on…literally. I slowly walked forward, silently praying that the locker next to mine was the one that the unfortunate smell was coming from. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and slowly opened the metal door. Immediately, something big and smelly fell onto the floor. I backed up quickly enough to save myself from the falling fish, but my backpack, which I'd unfortunately left sitting on the floor in front of me, wasn't so lucky. The deceased tuna fell onto the bag, getting slimy fish juice everywhere.
"Aw man!" I said, bending down to get the dead fish off my bag. Then I realized how gross it was and kicked it out of the way instead. It rolled over with a messy flop, revealing a yellow note on its side.
"Happy Birthday Fredwardo!" read the messy writing on the note. "I found this dead fish in the dumpster behind the school and immediately thought of you! Enjoy!" I should have known.
Just then, someone walked by, her blue eyes shining with mischief as she snickered.
"Sam!" I yelled.
"'Sup Fredfish?" she chuckled. "I see you got your present."
I glared at her. "Why would you put a dead fish in my locker?"
"'Cause I was bored. Don't you like it? I picked it out special."
"Har har."
"Well," she said, putting on a tone of fake offense, "somebody is a grumpy birthday boy." She smirked and crossed her arms across her chest.
"It's NOT my birthday!"
"I know. I just didn't feel like keeping the fish at my house until March. Those things start to stink after a while."
"Okay, first of all," I said, pointing at the fish, which still lay on the floor, "it already stinks. Second of all, my birthday is in FEBRUARY. Not March. Not January. FEBRUARY."
"Really? Well that's a stupid month to be born in."
I groaned in frustration. Over the years, I had been getting along with Sam a little bit better, but just in the last few days we've been really bugging each other again. I was really getting fed up. "Just take your stupid fish and leave me alone!" I said.
"Fine! I don't want your extreme dorkatude rubbing off on little Freddie junior anyway."
"Freddie junior?"
"That's her name!" she said, gently picking the fish up off the floor and walking away.
"Her?" I said, though Sam was already gone. Figures that Sam would name her dead female fish after me.
I reached into the back of my locker for the emergency disinfecting hand wipes my mom made me keep in there. Hopefully they would help to get the slimy fish juice off of my backpack. I retrieved the wipes, but then something else fell out of my locker. A pair of silver handcuffs that the school's magic freak, Magic Malika, had given me as a souvenir when she used them for a magic trick on me. For the life of me I hadn't been able to figure out how they worked. They seemed like an ordinary pair of handcuffs, and the only way I could get them open was with a key. They were pretty sturdy too, so breaking them wasn't really a possibility. If I used them on a person, they'd probably never be able to get out unless I unlocked them.
I felt a smile slowly spread across my face. I had an idea.
I crept up to the door of room 215 and peeped through the tiny window. The kids in the detention room were busy playing cards and destroying school property, so I guessed that there probably wasn't a teacher in the room. My eyes kept searching until I found her. Sam was asleep, slouched over in a desk near the back of the class room, her hand clutching a five dollar bill. Next to her was a very nervous-looking Gibby, who was trying to retrieve the money without waking Sam. She'd probably stolen it from him before her nap.
Oh, this was too perfect.
I opened the door as quietly as I could and sneaked into the room. A few people gave me funny looks, but most of them didn't even notice me. I made my way to the back of the classroom, where Gibby was still trying to retrieve his five dollar bill from Sam's fist.
"Gibby!" I whisper-shouted.
"Ahhh!" Gibby screamed as he jumped at my voice. It was a good thing Sam was a heavy sleeper. Gibby looked around frantically for several seconds before he finally caught sight of me crouching next to his desk on the side furthest away from Sam.
"Shh…" I said putting a finger to my lips. "It's okay Gib, it's just me."
"Oh, okay. Wait, who's 'me'?"
"Freddie Benson!" I whispered harshly. "Who did you think it was?"
"Well I thought it was you, but I just wanted to make sure. You never know. You could've been Sam in disguise."
"Gib, you know that Sam is napping on the desk right next to you, right?"
"Yeah, so?"
"Well, if Sam's asleep over there, how can she be awake over here at the same time?"
Gibby's face dropped. "I didn't think it through."
I rolled my eyes. "Look, why are you here?"
"That's a good question. Why are any of us here? Personally, I think we were put here to make friends with the aliens on Mars…"
I sighed. "I meant, why are you in detention?"
"Oh, that. Sam stole my five dollar bill earlier, and when I tried to take it back she pulled the fire alarm and told Ms. Briggs that I did it. She wasn't very happy with me."
"And are you trying to get your money back?"
"Yeah, but I'm afraid to. I mean, what if Sam wakes up? She'll kill me."
"But if you don't do anything, she'll just keep doing this. You can't keep letting her walk over you Gib. Take a stand."
"But you never stand up to her."
"Sure I do."
"Really? And she still treats you like that? Boy Freddie, you must be really bad at standing up for yourself."
"Not the point! Besides, I'm still alive, aren't I? If I can stand up to Sam Puckett and live to tell the tale, so can you. Come on Gibby! Be a man!"
"I think I'd rather be alive…"
"Look, I'll be right here the whole time in case something goes wrong."
"Can I have a different body guard? Maybe one with more muscle?"
"Just take the money! Be a man!"
"I am a man!"
"Then prove it! Take the money!"
"Okay! I'll do it!"
"Yeah! Now who's the man?"
"I'm the man!"
"You're the man!"
Gibby seemed to be exuding confidence. I'm the man, his thought's kept repeating. I'm the man. With his chubby chest puffed out, he turned back toward Sam. As soon as he saw her, his chest deflated and he turned pale.
"Freddie?" he whispered.
"Yeah?"
"The man is scared."
I sighed. "Okay, how about I count to three, and then you take the money. Okay?"
"I guess…"
"Good. One, t…"
"Wait. Do I take the money on three, or do I wait until after you've said three and then take the money?"
"On three Gib."
"Oh, okay."
"Ready now?"
"Can I have a snack first?"
"No! Now are you ready or not?"
"I guess I'm ready…"
"Great. Now on three. One…two…THREE!" The moment I said three, Gibby reached his hand toward Sam's, making them close enough for me to pull out my handcuffs and lock their wrists together.
"I got it!" yelled Gibby, who had just retrieved his money but hadn't yet noticed the cuff around his wrist. Sam's eyes flew open.
At that moment, I knew that I was a dead man.
All this over one stupid mistake, I thought as I ran toward the Bushwell Plaza, a very angry Sam running not far behind me. When she'd woken up and realized what I'd done, she hadn't hesitated to ditch the rest of detention to kill me. She probably would've caught me immediately, had she not been dragging a whimpering Gibby along with her.
"NO RUNNING IN MY LOBBY YOU LITTLE URCHIN!" shouted Lewbert as I ran as fast as I could into the Bushwell. I pressed the elevator button and was relieved when it opened almost immediately. "HEY! I SAID NO RUNNING! COME BACK HERE! AAGGGHHHH!"
I figured that my mom wouldn't be too happy if Sam came running into our apartment trying to kill me, and she probably wouldn't ever let me hang out with Carly and Sam ever again. And since Moira was on vacation in Florida, I decided to go hide in the Shays' apartment. I opened the door, but decided not to go in just yet. I figured that Sam probably wouldn't have been able to get up here before me, seeing as how I was using the elevator and she was too lazy to use the stairs, but you can never be too careful. Luckily, the only person I saw in the apartment was Carly.
"Hey Carly," I said.
"Oh, hey," she said, pausing the video of the talking foot that she had been watching. Heh, talking feet are so funny, she thought. Maybe we should do an iCarly skit with talking body parts…
"Is Sam here?"
"No, why?"
I stepped into the apartment and locked the door behind me with the chain lock. "'Cause I pulled a prank on her."
"YOU PULLED A PRANK ON SAM?" Carly yelled. That's it. Freddie's lost it.
"Uh huh."
"What, are you tired of living? Why would you mess with Sam?"
"'Cause she put a dead fish in my locker! Smell this!" I held up my backpack which I had, unfortunately, been unable to get the fishy odor out of.
"No, gross! I don't want to smell your fishy backpack! What prank did you play on Sam?"
Just then, the front door opened violently. "OPEN THE DOOR!" yelled Sam through the opening in the door. It was a good thing the chain lock prevented her from opening the door all the way.
"Call the police," I said, hiding behind Carly.
"OPEN THIS DOOR!"
"Leave me alone Sam! We're even!"
Sam yelled as she ripped the chain lock off the door. She stomped into the room, dragging a terrified Gibby behind her. "COME HERE BENSON!"
"You handcuffed her to Gibby?" Carly said in disbelief. Yep. He's definitely gone completely and totally insane.
"She put a dead fish in my locker!"
"Gibby's way worse than a dead fish!"
"My mom thinks I'm AWESOME!" Gibby defended.
"GIVE ME THE KEY!" Sam demanded.
"Give her the key," Carly said.
"Only if she promises—"
"AAAAHHHHHHH!" I was cut off by Sam's battle cry as she charged at me. I tried to run, but it didn't take her long to catch up with me and pin me to the kitchen table.
"Ow, my arm!" I complained.
"WHERE'S THE KEY?"
"In my front pants pocket, left side!"
"Get the key out of his pocket," she told Carly.
"Okay," said Carly. She reached to get the key, then backed up suddenly. "Ew, no."
"Just let me up and I'll give you the key," I choked.
"PLEASE!" shouted Gibby. I'm gonna die, he thought. I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die I'm gonna die…
Sam reluctantly let me go and I got the key. "Now unlock me!" she demanded.
I did as she said. As soon as they were free, Gibby ran out the door screaming. I had to say, I felt bad about doing that to him.
"Like Gibby's therapist didn't have enough to deal with!" Carly shouted, her voice full of anger.
As mad as Carly looked, Sam looked madder. She grabbed my collar violently, anger flashing in her icy stare.
"Come on," I tried to reason. "You put a dead fish in my locker; I handcuffed you to Gibby. We're even!"
"Yay! Who wants lemonade?" Carly said. Please let that work. Please let them stop fighting.
"I don't play to get even," said Sam, pulling me so close that I could smell fish sticks on her breath. "Momma plays to win." She let me go with a careless shove. "I'm gonna get you," she said, walking away. "Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But I'm gonna get you."
"I'm not scared."
She turned back to face me. "Really?" she said skeptically. And with that she turned and left.
If only I'd known just how bad she would get me, I would've left for Mexico right then and there.
I was sitting on the fire escape, where I'd been spending most of my time for the last week, deep in thought as I watched the sun go down and the Seattle sky go from blue to red to black. Usually I loved sunsets, but I hadn't been finding too much enjoyment in much of anything lately.
You see, Sam's revenge had been worse than I ever could've imagined. Apparently, she'd overheard this little conversation Carly and I were having the other day, and well…the results weren't good.
"Freddie's never kissed a girl," she'd said into the camera with a triumphant smirk. "Never, not once. I heard him say so myself, and Carly's a witness." And then she just left. She looked so proud of herself. Proud that she'd ruined my life.
And that brings us back to my thoughts of changing my name and becoming a hobo. Needless to say, the other kids at school weren't very sympathetic. They had a great time teasing me about it for the two minutes that I actually stayed at school the first day after it happened. I wasn't even going to school anymore. I spent as much time as possible alone, usually on the fire escape listening to my PearPod and staring into the sky. Mom was frantic with worry, which made me feel kind of bad, but I couldn't handle going out in public anymore.
They sun had finally disappeared completely, leaving the sky a deep bluish-black with barely enough light to see. I glanced at my watch. Seven-fifty. iCarly would start in ten minutes. I definitely didn't want to put myself on the internet again after what happened, but it couldn't hurt to watch it, right?
I pulled out my laptop and logged onto the site. A few minutes later, the show started. At first Sam and Carly acted like it was just any other normal show. I was surprised that they could run the show by themselves now. Maybe they didn't need me anymore.
I was a little hurt that they didn't even seem to care that I was gone. I tried to tell myself that they had to act like that for the sake of the viewers, but it still hurt. I caught a few of Carly's thoughts that pointed to her still being a little mad at Sam about what had happened, but for the most part she seemed okay. Sam seemed totally unaffected, at least at first. But then she did something that I never expected.
"Before we start the meatball war…I want to say something." Sam stopped the music and stepped toward the camera. "On the last iCarly, I told you guys that Freddie never kissed anyone. And that was really personal, and I shouldn't have said it on the show." Was this really Sam? Apologizing? "And for all you people out there who've been teasing Freddie about it, lay off. Cause I bet a whole lot of you haven't kissed anyone either. Including me."
Whoa.
"Yeah, that's right. I've never kissed anyone. So if you want to tease someone about it, tease me." I couldn't believe this. Sam was doing something nice? For me? And in front of the whole internet too. She hadn't even threatened anyone. "Which is a bad idea unless you live near a hospital!" Ah, that's more like her.
Carly stopped the show temporarily and put up a picture of a guy with shrimp up his nose. When the show came back on, Sam was gone.
Did I tell you I knew your name? But it seems that I've lost it. Did I tell you it's my own game? This is not your problem…
I was still sitting outside on the fire escape, listening to my PearPod and to the sound of the traffic below, when there was a light knock on the window. I turned my head to see who it was, though because I couldn't hear anyone's thoughts, I already knew. I signaled for her to come out on the fire escape with me.
"What's up?" Sam said, climbing through the window and sitting on the ledge.
"Nothing," I said. I turned down the volume on the music so we could talk.
"Meatball?" Sam offered.
I had to chuckle a little on the inside. That was probably the closest thing to a peace offering that one could expect from Sam Puckett. "No thanks," I said. She shrugged and threw the meatball into the night. "That was really brave, what you said."
"You heard?"
I held up my laptop, smirking at her. "You didn't think I'd miss iCarly?" To my surprise, she smiled. Not a smirk. Not a mischievous grin. A real smile. I hated to admit it, but she was really pretty when she smiled.
Then the smile faded, and her face regained its serious composure. "I'm sorry," she said. "About telling people you never kissed anyone…and about putting blue cheese dressing in your shampoo bottle…and about sending your cell phone to Cambodia. Everything. Okay?"
"So this means you're not going to mess with me anymore?"
"No, I'm still gonna mess with you. I'm just going to apologize every few years so I can start fresh again." I couldn't say I was surprised.
"Good," I said.
"Good?"
"Yeah, it'd be too weird if you didn't make my life miserable all the time. But you know, maybe you could pull back just a little…"
"I don't think so."
"Yeah, I didn't either."
"It's so dumb," she said after a moment.
Did she mean me? I thought we were actually getting along for once. "What do you mean?"
"You know, how people get all freaked out over their first kiss. It's stupid."
"So you weren't lying? You really never kissed anyone?"
"Nope." she sighed. "Sometimes I wish I could just get it out of the way."
"I know. Me too."
"Right? You know, just so I can stop worrying about it."
"Yeah." Just then a thought occurred to me. Then I realized how ridiculous it was and chuckled.
"What?" said Sam.
"Nothing…"
"Tell me."
"Nah, it's dumb…"
"Say it!"
"Okay…I was just going to say…"
"That we should kiss?"
I gulped. "You're going to break my arm now, right?"
She shook her head. "No."
No? Sam Puckett, the violent, angry, aggressive bully, wasn't going to get mad over that? If I thought Sam was hard to figure out before, I thought so even more after that night. "Well…should we?" I asked. "Just so both of us can get it over with?"
"Hmm…just to get it over with?"
"Just to get it over with."
"And you swear we both go right back to hating each other as soon as it's over?"
"Totally," I assured, although I kind of liked us not hating each other. "And we never tell anyone."
"Never," she said. We both sat there in awkward silence for a moment.
"Well…" said Sam. "Lean."
And I did lean.
As soon as our lips met, I felt this weird connection with her that I couldn't quite explain. Was this the way it was for everyone when they kissed?Then I noticed something even weirder.
Mmm…not too bad. Tastes kind of like chicken.
At first I thought Sam had said it, but then I realized that she couldn't say anything…for obvious reasons. Wait, so that meant…
Suddenly I realized that Sam and I had been kissing for quite a while. I'd meant for it to only last one or two seconds, but for some reason I'd kind of forgotten to stop. I broke the kiss and leaned back.
"Well…" I said, a little dazed. "That was um…"
"Nice?" Sam offered.
"Yeah…nice…"
"Good work?"
"Thank you. You too," I said quickly. It seemed like there was something else I wanted to tell her, but I couldn't think what it was.
"Hey," I said, finally breaking out of my daze. Sam turned around. "I hate you."
Sam smirked. "Hate you too." I was glad to see she knew what I meant. Most girls would've been upset if a guy told her that he hated her. But then, Sam Puckett wasn't most girls. She turned back toward the window and left.
As I watched her walk away, my mind raced with several thoughts, all about the events that had taken over the course of the last week. But one stood out more than all the others.
Did I just read Sam's mind?
