BONUS A/N: Okay guys, I'm doing a Tolkien and editing my story after it's published. Mwahahahahaha! Guh?I *pitchforked*
Eru Ilύvatar: Oh Fuck, not again! Give me a second… there we go. Sorry about that. This has got to be the ten millionth time this has happened. I'm so sorry.
*New* NRG99 (don't get your hopes up, the new one's just as lazy): No but, seriously. I noticed some grammar mistakes, I never finished the disclaimer, I found I ruined Hawkeyes death by fucking with it and I just started rereading FOTR and… I might have… Oh god… Okay, so I tried a joke where Tolkien corrected me whenever I spelt dwarfs contrary to his writing, but as it turns out three things: First strikethrough doesn't work on Fanfiction; 2ndly Dwarfs was not how Tolkien wrote the plural, he wrote it as Dwarves (I'm stupid and lazy) so that made no sense; and Interrobangs do work on Fanfiction‽ And because, as everyone knows, I'm really… actually let me hear it!
Audience (with Pitchforks): Fucking Lazy!
NRG99: I can't hear you!
Audience (with Pitchforks): FUCKING LAZY!
NRG99: LOUDER!
Audience (with Pitchforks): YOU ARE THE LAZIEST MOTHERFUCKING SON OF A BITCH THAT HAS EVER SEEN THE LIGHT OF DAY!
NRG99: Man I love these guys.
Dude In The Audience: But We Don't Love You!
NRG99: Hey, Why you hating, Dora?
Dora the Murderer: You never finished my story!
NRG99: Well, I've been busy.
DORA: Excuses! Lies! Bitch!
NRG99: Alright I'm not continuing you story! Now shut up and hear me out! Okay! Okay? Good. Jeez, where was I… oh right…I'm really fucking lazy so I have decided to get rid of the joke altogether! Oh don't give me that. I will make an edit and if you preferred the old version you can go fuck yourselves… Aaaah!
Eru Ilύvatar: What's going…? Really, AGAIN‽ Well, Fuck Him! I am done with this shit!
-!-₪-$-€-Ԅ-±-©-ᵿ-Ԅ-$-€-ԋ-€-Ԅ-€-
A/N: I'm Back! *cue tumbleweed* Well you guys said it's taking forever for the group to start their adventure, so three dwarfs will be introduced in this chapter, but It took me forever to post this chapter sooooo, I'm really lazy. Secondly, why can't you use strikethrough on Fanfiction‽… or Interrobangs for that matter.
Disclaimer: I don't own The Hobbit, Lord of the Rings, Gumball, (does anybody own "I'mma firin my laser"?), Ointment ©™ , Lemon Pledge, Family Guy, Ferrari, Hawkeye, The Magic School Bus, any commercial ever, The Shining , Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, Marvel Comics, Avengers, . Or do I… No, no I don't.
Narrator : When we last left Bag End, A mutant chair had destroyed Bag End with it laser. The hill caved in and unfortunately all the dwarves lived. And now finally, just like this story, Bilbo has returned from his adventure, unlike this story. He will find the house in ruins and he will… wait, Spoiler Alert! … Wait, what the fuck is that chair doing here... Oh my god! It has a mouth and its firing somethi…
Bilbo stood in front of what once was Bag End. He cleaned his bloody butcher knife and walked menacingly towards the rubble.
Inside of What-Once-Was-Bag-End;
The chair had blasted a hole in the ceiling of Bag End and the had spilled through the hole, but didn't destroy the hole house and hill because, fuck physics that's why.
"That was awesome!" Dori yelled.
"Let's do it again!" Fili and Kili said yelling in front of Oin's face.
Suddenly the door slammed open and Bilbo entered brandishing a not-bloody butcher knife. He walked in, put the knife away, and turned to the dwarves, took a deep long breath, NRG pressed the caps lock button and Bilbo opened his mouth.
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! YOU HAVE RUINED MY LIFE FOR THE LAST 4 HOURS AND I AM SICK AND TIRED OF IT! YOU'VE RUINED MY HOUSE, YOU'VE RUINED MY PANTRY AND YOU'VE RUINED MY REPUTATION! AND TO THINK YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO ASK ME ON ADVENTURE THE TRASH MY PEACEFUL HOME, WELL FUCK NO! LEAVE MY HUMBLE ABODE AND FUCKING SCRAM! GIT YOU MOTHERFUCKING DWARVES AND NEVER COME BACK! AND IF I EVER SEE YOU INSOLENT SONS OF BITCHES AGAIN I'LL… I'L…" Bilbo motioned his finger across his throat menacingly.
"Ooh, we get throat massages!" Balin said clapping his hands.
Bilbo facepalmed. "Just leave."
"Well what if we fixed your house?" Oin asked. "Could we stay?"
"Like you'll be able to fix… it?!"Bilbo said staring at a perfectly clean house. "How the fuck did you do that?!"
"With Ointment ©™ of course!" Oin said giving a thumbs up.
-N-R-G-9-9-!-$-
Narrator: Are you having trouble keeping your Kitchen clean?
Woman: Yeah, I am!
N: Are you having trouble your car clean?
Man: Yeah, it's really messy.
N: Are you having trouble keeping your room clean?
Boy: Why do you ask?
N: Are you having trouble keeping your church clean?
Priest: Yes.
N: Are you having trouble keeping that bathroom clean?
Maid: No, No. I use lemon pledge.
N: What she's trying to say is yes! Well don't fret, for I have the thing for you!
Maid: Lemon Pledge?
N: Shut your mouth, Bitch. No, it's Ointment! Here you try!
Woman: *Taps floor with Ointment stick* Holy Crap! My kitchen is perfectly clean.
Husband: Good for you. Now make me a sandwich!
N: Here you go!
Man: *Taps car with Ointment stick* What the fuck! My car is a Ferrari now! How did you do that? It's scientifically impossi…
N: Shh! Close your mouth. Here are 50 bucks, your free Ferrari and some weed and you never talk of this again, okay?
Man: Okay.
N: Good. Now it's your turn.
Boy: *Taps bedroom, do I have to do this over and over again* Do you have one of these for homework?
N: You can bet your ass we do! Now you try!
Priest: *Taps bla bla bla, you know the rest* Vade Retro! *Jumps outs window*
Fingerprint: Sucker.
N: Ahh, religious people. So many comedic possibilities but we still get poop and fart jokes. *Sigh* Well anyways, here you go!
Maid: *Tpz de phlooooooooooooooiiuj yihtoiutkn hkiws* I prefer Lemon Pledge.
N: Fine, you don't have to live. *Shoots maid* And if you aren't convinced by our obviously paid actors telling lies through their teeth, we have a not so credible scientist, quote unquote, prove this thing actually exists.
Scientist: I may only have a third-grade education in science but I… this is fucking impossible!
N: Well, you don't have to live. *shoots scientist* So order now for only 3 easy payments of 2.99$ and 75 difficult payments of 675.76£! But wait there's more! If you order you get a free bottle of Monkey Piss! So order now before stocks run out! And if you're not going buy this… You don't have to live.
-₣-ⱷ-₵-₭-!-₦-₲-₤-₳-Ⱬ-ᵞ-
"You really think I'm going to fall for that crap." Bilbo scoffed.
N: You don't have to live! *Arrowed in the head*
"Wasn't even looking!" Hawkeye boasted, and then jumped out a window.
"If you actually take away the fact that superheroes are a big thing at the moment and were at the time it was made, Avengers is pretty weak." Nori noted.
"Shun the non-believers!" Bilbo yelled swinging a chainsaw about. Soon Bilbo was left with an empty kitchen and a group of dwarfs hiding in his backyard. Bilbo locked the door and decided to prepare himself some dinner if he could find any food left.
"Yeezus! How do those bastards eat so much food?"
"Having three guts can help dwarfs eat so much food and drink so much beer." Ms. Frizzle said.
"Ms. Frizzle?" Some kid asked.
"Yes, Arnold." Ms. Frizzle.
"When will we learn about dwarven reproduction?" Arnold asked.
"Aaaaand, this conversation will be had out my house, thank you very much!" Bilbo interrupted.
"Tripped-out School Bus away!" A psychedelic school bus flew out of the room taking Mrs. Frizzle and her students away.
Bilbo finally sat down with some cold chicken and was about to take a bite when… when… when… when… when… when… when… when… when… when… when… when… when… when… when… when… when… Oh my god, I've forgotten what I wanted to say… when… when… Oh yeah that's right, when… the doorbell rang!
"Oh hell no!" Bilbo yelled pointing his gun at the door.
"Dude! I just wanted some sugar!" A hobbit yelled from behind the door.
"Oh sorry." Bilbo said as he hurried to open the door. A little hobbit walked in. "There should be some in the pantry, if there's any left. Sorry, I've just been having trouble with dwarfs."
"Twouble wit dwarfs?" The little hobbit asked puppy dog eyes style. Bitch.
The little hobbit found some sugar, to Bilbos slight annoyance, but just as he was about to leave Bilbo called out. "Wait!"
The little hobbit turned around innocently. "What?"
"You're a Sackville-Baggins." Bilbo said slowly.
"So the great Bilbo Baggins finally sees the truth! Mwahahaha!" The little hobbit said, his face evilly contorted.
3… 2… 1… FIGHT!
Bilbo grabs his axe and charges at the Little Hobbit.
"Ninja Smoke!" The Little Hobbit yells as he disappears into a cloud of smoke. Bilbo stumbles through the cloud and falls out his front door. The door closes behind him.
Bilbo breaks a hole in the door with his axe and says. "Here's Bilbo!"
The Little Hobbit runs into the mystery room as Bilbo kicks the door down. He walks up to the mystery door and opens it to find… The Little Hobbit holding a lazy fucker with a gun pointed to the fucker's head.
"If you move I shoot him." The Little Hobbit menaced.
"But he's NRG99!" Bilbo protested.
"And lazy as fuck." The Little Hobbit added.
"Well he is, but if you kill him we'll cease to exist!" Bilbo retorted.
"Good Point." The Little Hobbit said. "Gimme That!" He yelled knocking Tolkien down, grabbing Tolkien's bazooka and firing a big hole in Bilbo's wall. He ran outside yelling back. "Smell ya later!"
"Wait. My house is under a hill, how come that hole leads right to the river down the hill?" Bilbo wondered.
Suddenly a large Green 'Fuck Physics!' barged into the room blocking Bilbo from chasing the The Little Hobbit.
But just as The Little Hobbit reached the river he got hit in the head with an ax and died.
A fell voice on the air boasted. "Wasn't even looking!"
"Really Hawkeye, that again?" Bilbo asked exasperated.
"That wasn't me. You know I don't do the whole 'fell voice on the air thing', you know that." Hawkeye said.
"Oh right." Bilbo proceeded to kick 'Fuck Physics!' in the groin (because Fuck 'Fuck Physics!' am I right?!... Yeah, I probably should get a life), walk outside and call out. "Good Shot, Saruman!"
Suddenly a white light appeared and Saruman was standing next to him. "Oh my god, Guys! Why do you always blame things like that on me! Why does everyone think I'm that 'fell voice on the air'?"
"Well after (or is it before) the Pass of Caradhras…" Bilbo began.
"Oh sure! One thing I do, once! And that's like my character trait! That's what everyone remembers me as!"
"Well yes." Bilbo said plainly.
"That's… that's … that's racist!" Saruman yelled disappearing in a white light.
"That's not racist!" Bilbo yelled back.
"Fuuuuuuuuuuck Yoooooouuuuuuuuuuuu!" Said a fell voice on the air, followed by a long silence and a short "Damn it!"
Bilbo and Hawkeye walked into the kitchen and Bilbo sat down to eat his chicken. "Hey do I get anything to eat?"
"Go look in the panty." Bilbo said exasperatedly. (Ha, Ha, Guerra. Very Funny. If you fuck with my story again I will kill you and it will be painful.)
Bilbo picked up the chicken and was about to take big bite when a loud shriek came from the pantry and Bilbo dropped the chicken on the floor. Bilbo ran into the pantry and found Hawkeye impaled by a random large metal pipe.
"Wasn't even looking." Hawkeye boasted before convulsing and dying.
Bilbo pulled Hawkeye's limp body from the pole and dragged the body out of the pantry. Upon entering the kitchen a small group of dirt demons yelled at Bilbo, "You had your five seconds!" before gobbling up the chicken.
Bilbo ignored them and fumbled for the backroom key. Then he noticed it was unlocked.
Going all ninja style (not to be confused with Gangnam Style), he crept into the back room, the dead body at hand, in case a human shield was needed. But what he found in the backroom was not what he was expecting… it was a dwarf. Plot Twist!
Bilbo and Ori stared at each other for a long time before shouting at the same time.
"Are You Drawing Naked Women?!"
"Did You Kill That Guy?!"
"You never saw me!" Ori yelled back.
"Yes I did." Bilbo said plainly before grabbing Ori and dragging him to the hallway.
But just as he put his hand on the door's handle the door was broken down and 8 dwarves flew in.
"How the fuck did you break my door down?" Bilbo asked.
"Battering RAM!" The dwarves said in unison.
"What battering ram?" Bilbo asked confused.
"Well we had to improvise but Bifur is a great battering ram!" Nori said gleefully holding up a scraggly dwarf with an axe in his forehead.
"Blaggidy Blaggidy Poop!" (Put me Down, Bitch) Bifur growled.
"Isn't he just adorable?" Dwalin asked.
"Are you retarded?" Stewie asked.
"I'm not, but Bifur is!" Answered Dori.
"You bastards are so disgusting!" Bilbo yelled.
"Why!" Nori asked.
"Because you're taking advantage of a retarded person!" Bilbo yelled.
Wait a minute you're here for comedy not morals so fuck that! Cue Gloin!
Gloin: "Hi! I'm a perfectly normal dwarf!"
Right, comedy…
Suddenly a dwarf in a silly hat walked into Bag Bnd.
"Who are you?" Bilbo asked.
"I'm Bofur, brother of Bombur. But you can call me Bofur. Well I just met you, so maybe you shouldn't address me casually. Not like I care about that kind of thing. I mean social rankings, there's too much prejudice, at least in my opinion. Everyone else has a different opinion. Though I wonder can twins have different opinions I've always wanted to ask that to a twin, but you know that could get quite awkward and I'm not the biggest fan of awkwardness. You know what; I don't think anybody is really, but even if you wanted to know, asking people if they like being in awkward situations or like awkwardness would be you know, awkward. Which is pretty Ironic, if you think about it? Well if you think about it that may not be ironic. What is Irony exactly? Well you might want to ask a teacher or professor or an English Nerd, but maybe you wouldn't if the answer is simplistically easy and you don't want to get in an awkward conversation, you know what I'm saying? Maybe you don't. But I probably shouldn't ask you, I mean that might be awkward! Am I right! But then you're conflicted. Maybe you're not, but hang on. Not literally, figuratively of course. But you're conflicted: You want to know the definition and maybe even the proper use of Irony o you don't want to be stuck in an awkward moment where you used Irony incorrectly, so to avoid said awkward occurrence you want to ask the people I listed earlier what the definition of Irony is, but you don't want to get in that awkward situation where the answer is simplistically easy so you don't ask to avoid an awkward, but by not asking you are probably ensuring an awkward situation. So really you want to avoid an awkward situation, but by ensuring the aversion of an awkward situation you might be instigating another awkward situation which now you want to avoid, so you don't ask and ensure the earlier awkward conversation. See, it's kind of a problem. But maybe you don't see, and maybe you've never had a problem with this and I am extremely paranoid but not like I'd admit that because e that would be awkward. But guess what? I just admitted it, isn't that Ironic? Maybe it's not because I never asked the proper definition of Irony to avoid an awkward situation, but now I'm stuck in an awkward situation. Pretty ironic, eh? Well if that's what Ironic means. I mean, Gaaaah! What I'm trying to say is just call me Bofur. Okay? Hopefully it is but I'm not going to ask that because that WOULD BE AWKWARD! Can I just have a cup of water?" Bofur said.
But the whole kitchen was empty; everyone had vacated Bag End.
Bofur sighed and said. "I have no friends."
The END
A/N: Poor Bofur, oh well, I'll be using him a lot later. I didn't give Gloin all that big of an Introduction, because being a normal person he will mainly be the butt of everyone's jokes cough*Groin*cough. And yes, Thorin did kill The Little Hobbit. Happy! Bye! See you next time! Which I can ensure… swear down… on my mother's life… so if you could please take the pitchforks away from my throat, thank you. *Gulps*.
Pot Scriptum / A/N 3 / 4 / Bonus A/N 2 / Thing: Jokes aside, (What about your face?) Go to hell Guerra. Anyways I still have the original and if you want to read that, well I have no fucking clue what to do… but yah bye, see you next time!...
Oh god, finished with that. Should I edit the other chapters? Maybe… I wonder, should I have people die… well with Ointment… hmmm. Ughhh, No! You cannot write the next chapter Guerra! And go away NRG100! Freaking evil clones… freaking pitchforks… Oh I know, I'll write a complaint to Fanfiction ban pitchforks, and that way I'll have an excuse to not write the next chapter until next month! Yes, two birds, one stone! I'm a genius! Hmm, where did I put my writers block pills… what the hell! Oh shit! I left it on! Crap! Okay guys, you didn't see anything!
Audience: Yes we did!
Well, fuck you guys! *Click*
