Steve wished he wasn't buried under Morgan and Peter. That he could run away from the harsh words Tony spit at Pepper.
Did Tony really think so little of him? That he would make moves on Tony's wife? That he wouldn't do everything he could possibly do to keep Tony alive and safe? Had Steve messed up so badly that Tony didn't even think that he was capable of protecting him without an ulterior motive? That he needed a reason to care for his children? That it wasn't reason enough that Morgan had Tony's eyes and his sharp wit?
Steve hadn't meant to listen to any of the conversation, but he tuned out after hearing that Tony believed Steve thought him unworthy of his time. No one was more worthy of anything than Tony. He just saved the whole universe, but even before that, even back in his lab watching him with his robots or at Clint's farm while on the run just chopping wood together, no one had ever been as worthy of time, attention, and love as Tony.
Had Steve really fucked things up this badly? God he should just leave now. Go back to New York and just disappear. It's not like anyone really needs him anyway. The Avengers were doing fine in the rebuild of the compound and dealing with any possible threats. Tony was awake now and could take care of his daughter better than Steve ever could. No one really needed him. Least of all Tony.
Steve waited for Tony's breaths to even out and his heartrate to slow before slipping off the couch with Morgan still curled into his neck. Peter groaned slightly but didn't wake and turned over to spread himself out, taking up as much space as possible.
He carried Morgan to Pepper's room, setting her in her cot beside the bed before meeting the calculating eyes of Mrs. Pepper Potts-Stark.
"Your leaving." There was no question there. She knew the answer. Probably even knew he was awake for her and Tony's fight.
"I'm not needed here anymore. He will be happier with me gone. And the only thing that really matters to me is him being happy."
She frowned, her eyes roaming his face. "If that's what you really want. Just know that whatever he said, he didn't mean it to be hurtful to you. He didn't even know you were awake, and his mind is still in overdrive. He just woke up from a coma, Captain. He needs some time to understand. You don't have to leave. He was confused, but I know he doesn't want that."
Steve just smiled sadly. "It's for the best. He will be happier with me gone. Thank you, Pepper for letting me get to know your child. I know it can't have been easy knowing how I feel about him."
She nodded, pulling him into a hug before letting him step to the side of Morgan's cot to say goodbye. He ran a hand over her soft curls and dropped a kiss to her forehead before slipping a drawing from his pocket and setting it on her pillow along with Tony's arc reactor. He wanted to take it with him so badly. To keep just a piece of Tony, but he knew that Morgan was attached to it and often couldn't sleep without that piece of her father, so he left it behind and closed the door softly, ignoring the judging gaze from Pepper.
As he packed his few belongings into the bag with Tony's initials etched in the side, he easily slipped a needle into his arm to collect his blood for Tony one last time. He knew that Bruce planned one more transfusion for the next day and no matter what Tony had said he wouldn't leave without giving it.
Once his bag was packed, he sat writing a letter to Tony on the last page of his sketch book as he collected 4 pints of blood to give, easily maneuvering the blood bags and needles as though he himself was a doctor and not just a super soldier who had never given blood to anyone before Tony. For anyone else they could die from the sheer volume of blood removed, but not him. He could lose more, but he gave the amount that Bruce deemed safe for his own life. Even though he wasn't sure what his life really meant without the Avengers and without Tony.
He slipped back into Tony's room, even though he knew he shouldn't and placed the blood in the little refrigerator designated for bodily fluids before setting his sketchbook on Tony's bedside table and a note in Peter's hand. Before he left, he dropped a kiss to Peter's forehead and one on Tony's cheek. He shouldn't have, but he couldn't leave without saying goodbye. Not this time. Even if Tony was asleep for it.
He stood dressed in his tactical suit, shield strapped to his back contemplating what to do next. He knew that he couldn't fly a jet after giving that much blood, but it didn't keep him from considering it. Instead, he knocked on Sam's door. Sam who would help him no matter what.
Sam opened the door bleary eyed, but as soon as he saw Steve's gear and bag, he slipped to attention, fully alert.
"Cap, is there a mission? The rest of us can go, you don't have to leave."
"Can you fly me to New York? I am in no shape to fly."
Steve couldn't say he was surprised, when Bucky came up behind Sam, wrapping an arm around his waist. "What's the mission, Stevie?"
Steve couldn't help, but stare at his shoes embarrassed. "No mission. I need to go to New York, I would fly myself, but I just gave blood. If you can't Sam, its fine. I understand. I will go ask Clint." Steve turned on his heel ready to flee. Prepared to take whatever teasing Clint dished out.
But Bucky's solid metal arm wrapped around his bicep, holding him in place. "Woah. Steve. We will take you, just calm down, okay? Come in and we will get dressed and head out."
Steve sat on the very edge of their bed and stared at his hands while they got dressed.
"Are you going to tell us why you need to go to New York at three o'clock in the morning?" Bucky asked while prepping a bag.
He shook his head, not bothering to look at Bucky, or Sam who was silently watching him.
"Is it about Stark? Because he woke up?" Steve sighed. He knew Bucky would ask a ton of questions, but he had hoped that Sam would be alone tonight, which was his own fault. He knew they had barely left each other since coming back from the snap. But Sam would at least just judge him quietly and not force him to speak.
"I don't want to talk about it." He mumbled softly, but there were no more questions. And when they were done, he was surprised to see them in full tactical, even though he was dressed similarly. He had told them there was no mission. So, there was really no need to get dressed for a fight, but Bucky brushed off his comments and led them out of the room.
He followed behind as they slipped through the halls careful not to wake anyone. He stopped at the last Dora Milaje he saw before the jet and asked her to tell King T'Challa that he was grateful for his hospitality.
He laid back into the seats of the Quinjet after hooking himself up to an IV, while Sam and Bucky prepared for flight. All he could do is close his eyes and picture Tony's face slack with sleep, bright with a smile, and exhausted but content. All just from today. He ran over every feature just imbedding it into his memory, hoping that it was enough. That he would be able to remember everything about him. He didn't want to forget a single detail.
Sam seemed to understand because just after he got to bird in the sky, he wandered back to where Steve had laid out and placed a book in his lap. A clean Sketchbook.
"We keep new ones in our room, just in case you are having a rough time. I know you've gone through quite a few since being here. Why don't you draw him? So, you don't forget."
That was all it took for Steve to breakdown and sob into his friend's chest.
He had the two people who understood him most, but they weren't Tony. Tony who knew practically everything he was thinking before he thought it. Tony who he had been in love for so long he couldn't even remember when it began.
They weren't even fully out of Wakanda, but Steve missed Tony and he missed the kids. He wished this was another life, where Tony might actually love him. But at least in this life, Tony was alive. He wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.
