Chapter 9: I Put Your Head on Straight, Tied My Tourniquet

Jamie couldn't decide what was worse: when they fought, or when they didn't speak at all. They had two more shows following the blowout in the Safeway parking lot; there was next to no interaction between the girls on stage, and nothing at all offstage.

The next day, in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Jamie was up front filming as, half way through "Dark Come Soon," Tegan's voice faltered, then failed. She turned her back to the crowd as Sara continued on, singing backup as though nothing was amiss, as though the song was designed that way, for its heart to fail and its mind to go on, regardless, because it had no other option. The show, up to that point, had been tense and humourless. They played the songs with very little conversation between them, rarely glancing at each other. The boys were solid and reliable like always, but Jamie, who was familiar with their good natured participation with everything, their laughter and smiles in the background, could see that they were as worried as she was. The audience, also, looked as bewildered as Jamie felt, and a concerned hush went through the crowd as they realized Tegan was crying. So many times, Jamie had wished they would all just be quiet through key points of the show, but at that moment she desperately wished they would all keep talking and ignore what was unfolding on the stage. Tegan and Sara had cut a lot of songs from the playlist before going on, and standing in front of the crowd, straining to look at the single sheet of paper with bold lines drawn through the titles, Jamie thought: they're all about Sara. If Tegan couldn't get through all of "Dark Come Soon," Jamie didn't know how she could possibly get through "Divided."

Despite the chilly conditions existing between the twins, Jamie found herself sharing hotel rooms with the two of them for the last few nights. As Jamie overheard Sara say to Johnny when he asked, just because we're not talking doesn't suddenly make us thousands of dollars richer. So the three of them went on sharing a room, wordlessly, in a way that allowed for a minimum of interaction. One night, in St. John's, Jamie was uploading video to her hard drive as Sara quietly sorted through her luggage. After a noticeably long time in the bathroom, Tegan emerged with red eyes and asked Jamie if she could share her bed. Jamie looked up at Tegan's pained face, wishing desperately that she could hug her, say something to ease her suffering, to let Tegan know that she knew. But she couldn't, and said simply, "of course." She lay in bed that night next to Tegan, too agitated to sleep. Tegan was restless, kicking her blankets off, twisting herself up in the sheets, heaving an anguished sigh. Jamie lay still, thinking over everything that had happened since the night they had found her in the alley. In the beginning, the primary thought that nagged her brain was they're sisters; they can't be together! But now, after seeing and hearing all that she had, her only thought was: they're in love; it's wrong that they have to be apart. It had gone from a shocking sex scandal to a tragic love story in a matter of months. No, she thought to herself, recalling what had happened the night on the bus, in a matter of moments. Sara didn't make a sound in response to Tegan's decision to sleep in Jamie's bed, but when Jamie got up late at night to go to the bathroom, she saw Sara lying on her back, eyes open, immobile, staring straight up at the ceiling.

But things, she realized, never really were as simple as they seemed from the outside. After the show in Halifax where Tegan's tears had interrupted "Dark Come Soon," Jamie had gone out behind the venue to grab something from the bus when she first heard and then saw Sara, crouched down between two dumpsters with her face in her hands, her small body shaking as she sobbed uncontrollably. Jamie hesitated; it didn't compute, at first; Tegan was the one who cried. Jamie didn't know what to do. Sara must have chosen this location in order to hide. She certainly hadn't chosen it for the smell. Jamie wanted to go to her but there was - had always been - something about Sara that discouraged affectionate gestures. Jamie wondered if her own affection for Tegan was a factor in that equation. Tegan had left the stage in tears while Sara stoically finished the song without her and then found a dark and quiet place to cry, unobserved. Jamie respected the impulse for privacy, and left her alone.

As for why they weren't talking, they made no explanation to anyone. The boys chatted amongst themselves, tried to keep spirits up, gently involved the girls in whatever they did, but always quickly and smoothly moved on when they got no response. The boys showed, also, more concern for Jamie, who was obviously caught in the middle of the very cold relations between Tegan and Sara but couldn't do anything about it. And the whole thing had solidified the bond between Jamie and Ted; neither of them had anyone to talk to about this and it was a complicated, heavy load to carry alone.

Jamie was in a frozen yogurt shop with Ted on what was the last night of that leg of the tour, to everyone's relief. Ted wasn't in the mood for a loud bar full of drunks that night, and Jamie never was. The girls, now in the third day of their personal cold war, didn't have the energy to do anything except sleep or read alone in their bunks. And Jamie was happy for a chance to talk to Ted alone.

"So," Jamie started, looking from her yogurt cup to Ted's. She had a single scoop of raspberry; he had three different flavours with cherries, whipped cream, gummy worms and chocolate sprinkles. "So what are you, Ted? Seven?" Ted laughed.

"Wanna try some?" he offered.

"No. Okay, yes," she admitted. "But I don't need the gummy worms."

"Come on. They're like the cherry on top," Ted said.

"No, they're not. I just took your cherry," Jamie replied guilelessly.

"Haha. God, I feel so close to you now." Jamie snorted. They ate their yogurt in a comfortable silence for a moment.

"So, intense times, huh? It's good timing for the break," Ted said.

"Yeah. Three days ago would have been better timing, though," Jamie pointed out. Ted nodded, chewing on a gummy worm.

"Yeah, and if I ever see that fucking Casey chick again, I'm going to push her down a flight of stairs."

"Even though she's a girl?" Jamie asked him wryly.

"Yeah, even though."

"What if there are no stairs to push her down?" Jamie wondered, pressing her hand to her forehead as the icy cold from a too-large bite of yogurt spread through her soft palate and straight into her sinuses. "Ack, brain freeze."

"If there are no stairs, I'll just have to stab her instead," he said.

"Well, crossing my fingers for no stairs then," Jamie said, quickly glancing over at two girls who had just come in, and then back at Ted.

"What was that?" he asked, curious.

"What?"

"That look. You just checked those two girls out," Ted said quietly, leaning over the table, closer to Jamie.

"I scanned them. I didn't check them out," Jamie corrected.

"Do you think they're a couple?" he asked. Jamie nodded, licking her spoon.

"Absolutely," she said. "Guaranteed."

"Guaranteed?" Ted asked, eyebrows raised. "They look so girly." Jamie looked at him patiently and said nothing.

"I mean, how do you know?" he asked, laughing at Jamie's dry expression.

"I just do. Body language," she said, shrugging. Ted looked at her. "Well, see how the one put her hand on the other's lower back when they leaned in to look at the menu on the counter? Friends wouldn't do that."

"Are they cute?" he asked, and Jamie wanted to laugh at his earnest excitement. Ted toured two hundred days a year with lesbians and yet he was so excited to ask Jamie these questions.

"Haha, I don't know. I wouldn't usually be attracted to girls like that," she explained.

"Oh? What kind of girls would you usually be attracted to?" Ted asked. Tegan, Jamie thought.

"Well, not usually someone so femmey," Jamie said instead.

"If I were a lesbian," Ted started thoughtfully, "I'd be attracted to girls like that." Jamie laughed.

"Haha, maybe if you were a straight man you'd be attracted to girls like that.

Wanna try mine?" she offered, and Ted dipped his spoon into Jamie's cup. "So. . ." she said, curiosity hanging over after her unanswered question in the Safeway parking lot several nights prior, " how did you find out? About. . ." she started and then stopped, realizing she didn't need to be any more explicit than that. Ted scooped a glob of whipped cream with a finger and licked it off with great relish.

"Uh, well. . ." he started, leaning back in his chair and looking up, thinking. Not thinking of the answer, Jamie thought, but whether or not he can answer at all. Jamie watched his face, waiting for the moment when he decided that he could trust her. "We were parked that night and I couldn't sleep," he started slowly, "so I got up and went for a walk up the street and saw them standing in the middle of a little city park. At first I was going to call out to them and then I saw Tegan just. . . kiss Sara, really intensely. . . and I just turned and went the long way back to the bus!" He laughed.

"Wow," Jamie said. They looked at each other. How does he feel? Jamie wondered. Does it confuse him, too? "God, what did you think?" she asked him, scraping the bottom of her yogurt cup.

"Well, at first. . ." he started thoughtfully. "It was shocking, I guess. Really shocking. I mean, I'd known them for years, and just. . . how do you see that coming? But after a while I just kind of realized that. . . it has to be that way." Jamie watched him as he finished his yogurt. Every time he opened his mouth, she liked him more. "How about you?" he asked. Jamie hesitated, too, with the propriety of telling the truth. She wanted to share with him; she wanted to protect them. He obviously loved them, too, though, and she decided that no pain could come from talking to Ted.

"Uh, that first night in the hotel, when I was drugged. . ." she started. "I woke up in the night and they were. . . in bed. . . together," she finished more awkwardly than she had started. Ted looked at her, surprised.

"Holy shit," he said. She nodded.

"Yeah," she said. They sat quietly for a moment, reflecting on that, licking their spoons, before Ted spoke.

"That's kind of hot," he said suddenly, with a conspiratorial grin.

"Kind of?" Jamie asked incredulously, and they both laughed.

"Sara!" Ted suddenly exclaimed, gesturing over Jamie's shoulder. Jamie turned to see Sara passing by the windows, earphones in. She stopped and looked at the menu on the door for a moment, and Ted gestured to get her attention. "She looks really fucking sad," Ted mused.

"I'll go get her," Jamie said, going to the door and opening it. Sara met her eyes, surprised.

"Oh, hey, Jamie. . ." She sounded tired; she looked tired. "I was just like, foraging. . ."

"Have yogurt with us," Ted suggested.

"Well, I was kind of looking for some actual food-type food. Substantial food. Something comforting and really bad for my heart." Ted and Jamie smiled, but Sara didn't. "And beer," Sara added, as an afterthought. "Lots of beer."

"We'll have a beer with you. Won't we, Jamie?" Ted said, meeting Jamie's eye. Sara looked from Ted to Jamie.

"Jamie doesn't drink," Sara said in a monotone.

"It's a figure of speech," Ted said, nudging Sara as Jamie opened the door and held it for them, giving Ted a nervous half-smile..

They found a little dive a few blocks away and sat at a booth by the window.

"You guys just had yogurt and now you're going to have dinner?" Sara asked as they looked through the greasy menus.

"Yep. Today is Backwards Day," Ted said. "Ooooh, Sara, you said you wanted something bad for your heart. They have poutine."

"Not just poutine," Jamie pointed out. "Poutine with bacon on it."

"Yeah, that's what I need. Starch, fried in fat, topped with curdled fat," Sara said.

"Covered in sauce made from fat," Jamie added.

"Yep, and garnished with meat that is like, ninety three per cent fat," Ted concluded.

"Right. I need that. And beer. A lot of beer. All the beer."

They ordered Sara's heart attack on a plate, and Ted agreed to share a pitcher of lager with her. Jamie and Ted got an assortment of appetizers to share. They made small talk for a bit while they waited. Sara was very subdued. She didn't smile. Ted and Jamie both tried to sustain a cheerful, easy conversation, to try to encourage her to talk, but she was barely more than monosyllabic, and Jamie couldn't really blame her.

The waitress brought a Coke for Jamie and the pitcher for Sara and Ted. Sara's silence was making Jamie feel awkward; she continued looking at the menu, even though they'd already ordered, until Ted spoke.

"Who does that waitress remind you of?" he asked in a low voice after the waitress had moved on. Jamie ooked at her, pondered. "I seriously can't figure it out but she's. . ." Ted's voice trailed off. Sara took a quick look and looked back at her beer; Jamie looked for a longer while, her brow furrowed.

"Yeah, she reminds me of someone too but-"

"Casey," Sara said, looking down at the table with a sigh. "She reminds you of Casey."

"Oh, yeah, that's totally it. . ." Ted said with a slight wince at Jamie, who bit her lip.

Food came; Ted and Jamie managed to keep Sara somewhat engaged in conversation, although barely. Ted and Sara worked their way through one pitcher, and started on another, which was likely what enabled Ted to broach the subject that was on everyone's mind, but which everyone was skirting around like a mess on the carpet. Halfway through their third pitcher - and Jamie's third Coke, and a plate of nachos, and some wings - Ted leaned forward, met Sara's eyes.

"It really sucks to see you so upset like this," he said. Jamie was surprised, but glad he was able to say it because she was unprepared to. Sara finished her glass and looked at him, unsmiling, and then back to the beer coaster she had been mutilating for half the night. "I mean, it's okay if you don't want to talk about it."

"Yeah, well. . . fighting with Tegan. . ." Sara started, and then shrugged dismissively, but Jamie could see the falseness all over that; a dismissive shrug and a slightly trembling lower lip. Lips trumped shoulders in every contest. "Fighting with Tegan makes me upset."

They all sat, marinating in that truth, for a moment.

"Awww, Sara," Ted began, affectionately. "You guys fight and then it's always fine again in a day or two." Jamie watched him curiously, wondering what he was doing. Clearly, he wanted to cheer Sara up, but he knew that this situation was not just a fight between sisters. Jamie could think of no encouragement, no commiseration to make with Sara that would feel both helpful and truthful. She picked at the cold remnants of the nachos on the plate and said nothing.

"Yeah," Sara began, tearing tiny pieces off the edge of the coaster and setting them on the table in a row. "But this time it's. . ." Different, Jamie wanted her to say. This time it's different. I fucked someone and broke my sister's heart. And that whole equation doesn't compute. "It's different," Sara concluded, articulating half of Jamie's thought.

"How is it different?" Ted asked, and Jamie managed to give him a very quick what are you doing look, which he returned with a calm expression. Sara pushed some soggy fries and congealed gravy around on her plate listlessly.

"Well, I guess I made it different when I fucked Tegan's girlfriend in like, the same bed. . ." Jamie held her breath for a moment, anxious about the over-sharing mood that the beer appeared to have put Sara in, anxious about the game Ted was playing. Was he just saying things that someone might say if they didn't know what was going on? Ted seemed to redden slightly over the unexpectedly blunt reply from Sara, but that could have just been the beer. Jamie, however, was starting to feel a little jittery from all the sugar and caffeine, which did nothing at all for her own inhibitions.

"Well. . ." Ted began. "Yeah, I guess that is worse than a typical sister fight. . ." Jamie gave him another quizzical look, and he returned her look, somewhat helplessly.

"She hates me," Sara said weakly, eyes on her hands as they slowly tore chunks off of the coaster. Jamie noted that she and Tegan both indulged in these nervous ticks when they had difficult conversations. Jamie stopped biting her thumb nail and spoke suddenly.

"She doesn't hate you," Jamie said. "She never will. She never could." There was some silence around those words. Ted raised his eyebrows, as impressed as he was when she had offered "The Italian Job" for best car chase scene. Sara sighed a little, and bit at a little bit of chapped skin on her occasionally quivering lower lip. She blinked a lot.

"I really fucked up," Sara said at last, her voice a little shaky, struggling. She leaned her head on one hand. How can we make her feel better about this when it's kind of true? Jamie asked herself.

"Maybe, like. . . after she has a chance to calm down, a little? Maybe then you can talk about it. . .?" Jamie suggested gently, and Sara shook her head, not looking up.

"What can I, like. . . say. . . that can like, negate the fact that I cheated- I mean, that I. . . like. . . betrayed. . ." Sara stammered, feeling her slip, her face tense. Jamie's heart did a little jump. "I mean, like, it's not like I can say, like, 'yes, I let your girlfriend go down on me but I'm sure it didn't mean anything to her. . . I mean. . . yeah, maybe she thought I was you!" Sara said, the beer loosening her tongue. She leaned back against her seat, her head back a little, and looked up at the ceiling, blinking. Jamie would have found the twin joke slightly amusing if Sara was not looking like she was about to cry. Jamie was struck by a quick mental image of Sara on her back, knees bent, clutching a pillow behind her head as Casey's lips worked their way down Sara's inner thigh. She quickly pushed the image out of her mind. After a moment, Sara stood up. "I have to pee," she said, still a little shaky, and went off.

Jamie looked at Ted and shook her head, eyebrows raised.

"Wow," Ted said, reading her expression.

"Right?" Jamie said. "I think she's-" Sara's cell phone, on the table, buzzed; Ted glanced at the screen, but Jamie could see it clearly from where she sat. It was a message from Tegan: "So was it good? Did she go down on you? She has a good mouth, doesn't she? Hope u got what you needed from her since you obviously weren't getting it from me. xxx." Jamie's stomach dropped.

"Holy fuck," Ted breathed. After a moment, the screen went dark again, and then Sara was back, looking a little unsteady. Jamie looked up at her, at her reddish eyes, reddish nose. She looked like she'd been crying in the bathroom. Jamie felt an ache, just looking at her, and she spoke.

"Sara, maybe this is like. . . not helpful or whatever but. . . remember when Tegan said. . .'I'll forgive you. . . all you have to do is be sorry?" Jamie started, surprising herself. Ted gave her another surprised look and Sara met her eyes, intensely. Her mouth opened a little, and Jamie, afraid she'd made a mistake, started to back pedal. "I don't mean-"

"Fuck, you're right," Sara said, dumbstruck.

"No, it was just a thought, I mean-"

"No, I mean it. I didn't. I didn't apologize," Sara said, her surprise over this realization like a slap in the face. She shook her head. "I didn't. I never do. I never apologize. Holy fuck. I've like. . . it's like, I'm twenty-eight years old and I just like. . . I needed someone else to like. . . fucking. . . point that out." They watched her amazement, for a moment. Jamie's pulse raced. "I fucked everything up and I didn't even say I was sorry. And, Tegan like. . . like you said, she fucking even told me she would forgive me and like. . ." Sara's words dropped off and failed, as she looked back up at the ceiling for a moment and then, suddenly, grabbed her phone. "I have to do that. I have to say I'm sorry and-" she clicked her phone to life and there was the message from Tegan. "So was it good? Did she go down on you? She has a good mouth, doesn't she? Hope u got what you needed from her since you obviously weren't getting it from me. xxx." Jamie had snakes in her stomach as she saw Sara's face as Sara took in those words, her brain a little hazy but still needing only a moment to process it. "Um, actually I think I'll just go," Sara said quickly, shakily, but the tears spilled over more quickly than she was able to grab her jacket and get up. "I'll see you guys on the bus-"

"Sara, it's okay," Ted said, quickly taking hold of Sara's sleeve as she started to walk away. "Come on, sit here with us. You can cry if you need to, it's fine," he said, as she angrily wiped her eyes on her jacket sleeve, taking a breath. She clenched her jaw, tried to assume a stony look. "Don't do that," Ted said. "You don't need to play that person with us. We know you better than that. We're your friends. . . we love you." Jamie was right then torn between which one of them she wanted to hug more.

"Yeah, don't go off alone like this," Jamie said. "You're drunk and upset . . stay with us." Sara was half-turned away from them, to hide her tears.

"No. . . thanks though. I've, um, I've gotta go. . ." Sara mumbled, tearfully, pulling her sleeve from Ted's grip. She left quickly, her head down, and as she rushed past the window outside of their booth, Jamie saw her face twist. She hurried out of sight.

...

The following morning, Jamie had just gotten off the phone with her mother, who was indignant that Jamie was abandoning essentially a full year of university to go on tour with a band, and had spent the last twenty minutes berating her until she hung up the phone.

"God, mom," she moaned, throwing her phone into her open suitcase and sitting down on the bed heavily. She couldn't, wouldn't, go home under those circumstances. She put her face in her hands and started running through a list in her mind of friends that she could stay with back in DC instead, when Tegan's voice called her back to the present.

"Still pissed?" Tegan asked her, wrapping a pair of sneakers in a plastic bag and tucking them away in her big black suitcase. Jamie sighed, nodding. "She's always loved you guys, especially since that time I skipped my brother's graduation to go to a few shows. . ." Jamie blushed self-consciously and trailed off. Tegan smiled, didn't look up from her packing.

"Not going home then?" Tegan asked, and Jamie just shook her head. "Come to Vancouver with me, then. We have like. . . what. . . sixty thousand hours of footage to edit?" Jamie looked up at Tegan's tired, sad face. There was a vertical crease between her eyebrows almost all the time now, and Jamie had to stop herself from reaching out a hand to smooth that crease out with her fingers.

"Uh, yeah, about five hundred hours, actually. . ."

"Well, come on then. You can't go home, and I bought a ticket for you anyway so. . . I mean, I could use the company." Tegan shrugged, swinging the lid closed and clicking it shut. Jamie's heart accelerated. Tegan invited me to her house. Did Tegan really just invite me to her house?

"Okay," Jamie said, her shyness with Tegan seemingly never going away. "Okay, yeah. . . thanks."

"It'll probably rain the whole time. . ." Tegan mused distractedly. As if I care about the weather, Jamie thought.

Sara came in, jacket on, grabbed her suitcase handle without looking at either of them.

"Airport taxi is here," she said in a monotone. Tegan and Jamie followed her out into the parking lot, the atmosphere between them keeping everyone quiet. The ride to the airport was just as silent. Jamie wondered whether they would even say goodbye before heading off to their separate flights.

At the domestic departures lounge, they all checked their bags and then, tensely, heavily, they converged in the open space in front of the security check. Tegan stood with her hands in her pockets, head down, her shoulders hunched. Sara looked pale, drawn, exhausted.

"Well," Tegan said, fake-fine. "See you in two weeks," and started to turn.

"Tegan," Sara said, and Tegan stopped but didn't turn back to face her. Jamie, heart clenching, turned away, walked a few steps further off and earnestly pretended to check her cell phone. "I know this is my fault," Sara said. "And I'm sorry. . ." Tegan said nothing, but Jamie saw, from the corner of her eye, that her posture had not changed. "But," Sara went on in a voice that was struggling to remain even, "this can't. . . go on." Jamie saw Tegan turn her head to Sara, open her mouth to speak, and then close it again. She closed her eyes, shook her head. And in a low voice that Jamie could barely make out, "this is killing you. . ." Tegan gave a short, pained laugh.

"Don't you worry about me, Sara," Tegan said, her voice dripping with bitterness.

"It's killing me, too," she said quietly. Tegan looked up to her face, almost surprised. "And it's. . . just. . . wrong," she added, her voice low. Tegan's face reddened and she bit her lip.

"Tegan, you know I'm right-" Sara said, urgently, desperate to be understood, hopeless.

"Yeah, you always are. Have a nice vacation," Tegan concluded, turning her back on Sara and walking away. Jamie went to follow, stopping momentarily next to Sara. She never knew how to comfort Sara, but Sara's face looked like someone had just slapped her.

"Sara," she began uncertainly, pausing next to Sara, who looked up at the ceiling for a moment, blinking. She wanted to say something but was at a loss.

"Take care of Tegan for me, okay?" she said quickly, grabbed the handle of her suitcase and hurried off in the other direction with her head down.

"Okay," Jamie said heavily to the empty space where Sara had been, and followed Tegan through the security gates, feeling as if the organ thieves had already taken her heart.