"McGee, it's not a case. It's a visitor."
"A visitor? For who? You?"
"No. For you."
"Me? Who would be visiting me?"
"Your mother."
The ride to NCIS started out as a silent one. Gibbs' mind was still trying to sort through the message he'd been given over the phone:
"Agent Gibbs, this is Agent Wylie. There's a woman here who is extremely upset and agitated. Says she must speak to you immediately. Claims she's Agent McGee's mother. Keeps saying he's in danger and only you can protect him."
Looking over at his agent, he was concerned to find the young man lost in his thoughts. Until this was all straightened out and he was no longer being plagued by the nightmares from his childhood, wherever Tim's mind had gone to couldn't be guaranteed to be a good place. What did Mrs. McGee know about Tim's childhood? Maybe that was something he needed to know before he attempted to talk about Tim's childhood again. It probably wouldn't hurt to find out. He needed to bite the bullet and ask, even if it returns the subject there for a minute.
"Tim, your adopted parents know anything about what happened to you and Laura before you got to them?" Gibbs asked carefully.
"No. At least not that I'm aware of." Tim answered straight away, his tone subdued and his eyes not looking at Gibbs.
"How bout you? Did you have all this in your memory and this case just opened it up for you?" Gibbs gently pushed.
"I'm not sure. Has to be a mix of both, from the way it all keeps coming back to me so clearly in my sleep." Tim said miserably.
"Now that you've had some clear images, can you tell me what your earliest actual memory is?" Gibbs asked, needing to help him sort it out.
Tim drew in a ragged breath and slowly let it out, as he let Gibbs in on the most painful night of his childhood:
Another picture to have to move! Damn it! Stop! Why do you have to do this? Why can't you just love each other? His anguished questions; screamed out as they are; instantly drowned out by the screaming match in progress in front of him. Soon; as usual; he was scooping up the baby; quickly carrying her away from this nightmare. Tucking her safely away in his bedroom; he fixes her bottle; changes her; and croons her back to sleep in safety. Such was the routine now; not weekly; but daily. With no concern for each other or for either the child watching in horror as his life was being shredded right in front of his eyes; or for the helpless baby that needed rescuing every night.
Suddenly; he was jarred from his despair. That noise; once again; heard loud and clear; as yet another hole was punched in the wall! This time; his mind seemed to snap and he ran out of the bedroom and began to scream. Suddenly, his screams stopped in mid -motion as he felt himself struck hard across the face. Falling to the floor; he writhed and rolled in both physical and emotional agony. Vaguely; he's aware that the baby is being taken away; the fighting is escalating as the baby is now being held in the midst of the fight; something he always tried to prevent. Needing to do his job; he tries to pick himself up off the floor; only to be knocked down again; and just when he thinks the worst is over; he hears a thump; and the baby screams in holy terror Blackness swallows him whole.
"Oh. Tim." Gibbs offered, the only thing he could say as he'd struggled to drive while his agent had put his agony into words. "I'm so sorry."
"Not your fault." Tim gave back quietly as he turned and looked out the window, wiping his tears away.
"I'm sorry I asked you to relive it like this, but if I'm gonna be able to help you, I had to know where to start." Gibbs regretfully tried to explain.
"Thanks. Boss. Really. But, I don't think anyone can help me. It's like you said, if I can't get it out of my dreams, what chance do I have? That's why I'm asking you to let me resign." Tim said painfully.
"Tim, I won't let you give up on yourself like this. You fought hard to get here, didn't you?"
"Yeah. You could say that." Tim said with a touch of sarcasm.
"Tell me about it." Gibbs inquired, grateful for the chance to turn the subject.
"What's to tell? I was your basic, foster care kid, nerd, geek, recipient of the school bullies attention and pranks, early graduate of high school and college who liked to write and play with computers." Tim summed himself up in a very unimportant tone. He was used to not counting as a person and that didn't sit well with Gibbs, but, he'd address that later.
"Yet, you did it. Two degrees, all the obstacles from your childhood and your teenage years, you put up with the "Probie" initiation from Tony, and you're finding your feet. You've become an asset to this team and you've got a lot more potential where that came from. You really gonna give up all that you've accomplished because you've had your feet knocked out from under you one more time?" Gibbs was goading him now, wanting him to see that the fight was worth staying in it.
"I don't want to, Boss. I don't." Tim vowed.
"Then don't! Don't let this take away anything else from you!" Gibbs said as they pulled up to the Navy Yard.
"If only it were that simple." Tim said miserably, after they'd cleared the gates.
"Not simple, Tim, just possible. You hang in there, let me handle what ever comes down the pike from the job, if I have to put you on desk duty for a while, we'll do it. But, there's no reason for you to just quit. I would have never asked for you to be assigned to my team if I'd a thought you were a quitter." Gibbs told him.
"That's not fair, Boss." Tim said with pain in his tone and a catch in his voice. "It's not like I asked for this."
"No, Tim you didn't. But, you did ask for help and I'm trying to give it to you. Ducky's trying to give it to you. Tony's trying to give it to you and Abby and Ziva would too, if you let them. You're not alone in this. Your team wants to help you and that should help you want to stay in the fight and come out on top." Gibbs reminded him as he pulled into the parking spot and shut the car off.
Turning to look at his agent, to gauge where this conversation had brought him, he hoped he hadn't set the young man back into not opening up to him anymore.
"We good?" Gibbs asked patiently.
"Yeah, Boss. We're good. If you're not pissed at me, that is." Tim admitted.
"I've got no reason to be pissed at you, so long as you stay in the fight. And let us help you win it." Gibbs promised.
After a tense silent minute, Tim finally looked over at Gibbs for the first time since this conversation had started. Seeing his boss waiting for his confirmation, noting the expectation and challenge in his eyes, Tim couldn't help but smile back at him in affirmation, even if it didn't reach his eyes.
It was a start.
