Disclaimer: I. ignoramus is not yet extinct! There are too many bad jokes and terrible references that have yet to be made! I regret nothing.


Chapter 9- Mindwipes and Maniacal Waifus

"You're pretty good at making tea." I sip from a cup.

Pinky finger outstretched of course. Have to stay classy.

The timid Alice beams at me in response.

For whatever reason I'd purchased tea at some point. Probably because I figured Saber would enjoy it, being an upper class individual and all that.

She didn't enjoy it. Guess it hadn't been her cup of tea. Puns.

The other Alice blankly stares at me. Her expression of boredom has become an annoyance to me.

The three of us are sitting down at my dining table. The two children are across from me.

"That was an interesting fight was it not?"

The bored one glances at me. "What are you talking about?"

"That fight I had with that monster you summoned." A smug smile is on my face. "Pretty epic if I do say so myself."

She blinks at me. "There was no fight." She looks like she's about to laugh. "You fell to your knees begging for mercy. You were so pathetic that we pitied you."

The smugness is wiped off my face at the memory I'd tried to forget.

They'd accompanied me home after sparing me. Or rather, the emotionless one had forced me to lead them to my house. Something about wanting to see my base of operations and judge whether or not to neutralize me.

Of course I'd resisted.

Right up until the monster smashed a crater in the ground in front of me.

Leading them to my house made me feel a bit like a proud father. As well as a pedophile.

A quick look in the mirror as the timid one made the tea proved the latter to be more accurate.

No wonder the timid one was scared of me at first. I'd started to grow a beard. Full on neckbeard. Kind of wished I'd taken the time to buy a fedora. Just so I could be complete. I'd finally reach my final form.

The beard was pathetic and patchy. That wasn't the creepy part of this. The creepy part was that I, at least I hope it was me, had decided to shave half of it off. So half of my face had hair and the other half was clean. I have no idea why this was the case. I was grateful that whoever ended up attempting to be a barber had decided to leave my eyebrows and the hair on my head intact. I really hope it had been my own drunken self that had done this and not some random person taking advantage of my intoxication.

Still, if it had been someone else I had to sort of tip my hat to them out of respect. They took the usual permanent marker prank up to the next level. I ended up having to fully shave.

The timid Alice speaks. "You haven't spoken in a while. Is something wrong?"

I glance at her. "Just going over everything in my head."

She nods, then glances down at the tea in her hand. So this is the result of Saber's absence. Sitting at home with little girls and drinking tea. It made me feel like a certain internet meme had just given me their seal of approval.

I glance at my hand. The command spells are gone. Well, the actual command spells are gone. After I'd broken off the contract with Saber they'd vanished. Instead the area they were in is now replaced with a tattoo.

A tattoo that looks exactly like the command spells. Another testament to my drunken revelry.

I'll just consider it another reminder of the many failures on my part. I broke off the contract in a physical sense, but apparently it was still stuck in my head.

Sure, she wasn't my servant anymore, so I had no connection to her at all, but now I still had a reminder that I'd been part of this idiotic war.

To make matters worse I still couldn't project anything anymore. At this point I had kind of accepted my lack of magic. Hopefully it was temporary. Still, now that I think about it, it's not exactly pleasant to be reminded of failing. My intoxicated self hadn't exactly thought things through when he decided to permanently mark my body.

Damn tattoos. These pseudo-command spells are like a tramp stamp on my hand.

But what do I do now?

Am I becoming a lolicon?!

Will I actual start to find children cute instead of disgusting?!

This isn't good, I have to take it out on someone else before I join the dark side! I don't care if they have cookies!

There's a lot of ways to be sent to jail, I'll be damned if I get incarcerated for something like that. If I'm going down for anything it's going to be indecent exposure!

Time to crush these children!

I'll start with the one I hate.

A pseudo-smile crosses my lips and targets the emotionless Alice. "I don't like you."

So many things could have been said. This was probably the weakest of them all. It was almost as if I was only saying it to reinforce my beliefs. Pathetic. GG Dante, GG.

"I feel the same way with you." The child doesn't even feel the need to take the higher ground over me. She's stooped to my level. Or rather, I'd already stooped to the mentality of a little girl. For shame.

"You feel?" Feigned surprise is shown from my tone of voice. "Stop the presses, this brat has actual emotions." And so my brilliance continues.

You know what? Screw being the better person! I never let a little thing like decency or maturity get in my way before. No point in letting it do so now.

"Should I bring my friend back?" She's referring to that beast. I still have no idea as to what it is. Yet I shiver at the notion of encountering it again. The timid one shakes her head no in response to the bored one's question.

Ok, this is becoming irritating. It's difficult to distinguish between the two of them. Sure they're color coded but that's not good enough for me. It's not like they're goddamn Skittles. If they were, I'd be tasting the rainbow. Instead I taste depression and shame. I can almost hear the sad violin music.

I'm just going to have to refer to them as something different, so as not to confuse myself. Thing 1 and Thing 2 would be appropriate but doesn't really drive the message home quite as well as I'd like. Plus, what would that make me? The goddamn Cat in the Hat?

Both are named Alice. Alice starts with the letter 'a'. Together they're AA, like the batteries. Or the breast size. Come to think of it wouldn't that be right around their measurements? NO! I'm neither a priest nor a coach! Joe Pesci is my faith and being a dick is my sport! Lolicons are diseased! I can't go completely insane yet.

Back to the matter at hand. A+ and A-. Perfect. Plus and Minus. Reminds me of Pokémon for some reason. If only they could say nothing but their names.

The boring one gets to be Minus since she sucks. The shy one can be Plus. I can tolerate her.

"So, what now?" Plus speaks up. I actually don't just ignore her. Must be her positivity. Goddamn puns.

"I want to play a game." Makes me think about a certain puppet on a tricycle.

"An actual game this time?"

She turns to Minus, who nods. "How about cards?"

"Got a deck?"

She pulls one out from the folds of her dress. Guess those fashion disasters are good for something.

"Know how to play Blackjack?" She shakes her head in the negative.

"I'll show you." The cards are shuffled with my hands. "Always good to learn new ways to gamble."

So begins my corruption of humanity's future. At least I didn't say strip poker.

I'm going to hell.

At this point I should just go bald. That immediately makes you twenty percent more evil. It'd let me take kick Satan's ass. But knowing me, I'd start positioning my pinky finger near my mouth like an idiot if that were the case. Damn, if I go bald I should grow a goatee. It might actually make me good with chemistry. Do demons do meth?

All these important questions roaming around my head.


Sometime later.

This tea. It seems. Strange.

This, this, isn't my house. Is it? I'm not in Kansas anymore.

Must be my imagination. Maybe I'm drunk.

We were playing blackjack and they won. My wallet was empty after it all. Goddamn brats.

They're sitting across from me. Smiling. Well I'm glad they're happy. For now I'll let it slide. But as soon as I…

What was I thinking? Where the hell am I?

This cake actually looks pretty good. I think I'll have some.

These girls, they said they were both Alice. They're nice. They keep offering me tea and sweets. It's like a picnic.

I wonder how I got here. This place feels strange. It's welcoming but I can't shake the feeling that something's wrong. Maybe I'm supposed to be somewhere else.

"Hey Alice, do you think he remembers?" The one in white speaks up. I took her to be the shy type. Guess I was wrong.

"I think you'd have to ask him yourself." That's the one in black. Her smile is really weird. It doesn't suit her at all.

"Mister, what's your name?" They say it at the same time. Smiling. It's almost cute. Cute. Wait.

WHAT THE HELL AM I THINKING?! CUTE?! My head was clear. Completely blank. Nothing to interfere with my actions. Now I have a migraine. Things start hitting me hard. Not physically. Mentally.

Memories start pouring in. Some of them fit in place. Memories of a young antisocial rich kid with too much time on his hands. Parents that weren't ever around. That old cliché.

Some seem almost as if they've come from someone else. A dog dying from my hands. Locked up in the dark. Escaping from hell only to get caught. More clichés. More pathetic backstory.

It's all confusing. I feel like more than one person. Like my life isn't my own. I can't decide which set is my own. So instead they sort of meld together. It's a combination. I don't even know if it's real or not.

As soon as they force themselves back in it almost seems as if they fade away slowly. My mind's trying it's best to fight whatever's trying to screw with it, but it's a losing battle.

I decide to give up on the remembering phase and focus on something else. That being the fact that these two punks are trying to kill me. Unpleasant thoughts start popping into my head at their expense.

"My name?" They smile at me. Smile and nod.

"You want to know my name?" More smiling and nodding. It's starting to piss me off.

I start to smile back. "My name is Inigo Montoya." My voice is accented. "You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Their smiles turn to looks of confusion. They glance at each other before turning back to me. "That's not your name?"

"DAMN STRAIGHT IT AINT!" I don't need to remember anything to know who I am. What type of person I am. I'm a dick. I grab a pie off the table and smash it into the one dressed in black's face. A hot cup of tea gets lobbed at the one in white.

"Tea! Fucking tea?! What next crumpets?! Scones?!" My tone's mocking. I'm trying my best to patronize them. "Should I start wearing a monocle?! What about a top hat?!" Now I'm pantomiming wearing such things. "Do I look classy enough to be an Englishman?!" I jab myself in the chest with my thumb. "Huh?! 'Ello gov'na, I'm talking to you!"

I jump on the table and start kicking stuff off of it. The tea pot goes flying. The two children are shocked. "You want to know my name?!" I point to myself in question. "Why the hell does it matter? It could be goddamn 'Slim Shady' for all you know!"

I get right in their faces. "Here's Johnny!" I almost scream at them. "You two better cut the shit before I start to get really pissed."

For a moment they actually share a look of fear. Then it ends. They start laughing.

"Ha, ha this is fun. It's a game we came up with."

"What are you talking about?"

"It ends with you going bye bye."

"Bye bye?"

"In here everyone is equal, whether you're a boy or a girl. Everyone forgets their names."

I start to smile. An unnaturally large smile. "What, are we philosophizing on gender roles in society?" I actually chuckle. "Cut it out before I spank you."

They shake their heads 'no'. It makes me sigh. "Listen here, kiddies. I've done many things in my life. I will do many more." My voice starts to raise in volume. "I'm not dying because I forgot my name. Not when I never use my actual name!" Emotions I never even considered feeling start showing from my tone. "If I go out, I'm going out with a bang!" My hands mimic an explosion going off. "So before I start having to shout out even more profanity and threats, I suggest you hit the off switch."

There's a pause. Then they actually giggle. "Sorry mister, you can't stop the game." Another fit of giggles. "You're going to go 'bye bye' if you can't remember your name."

"My name?"

For some reason a Fort Minor song ends up popping up in my memory instead.

I stare at the two. Then a smirk pops up on my face.

"Which one do you want?"

This confuses them. "Mister, you can't have more than one name."

"Stop calling me 'Mister'." My tone is scolding. "Listen, here you little shits. I'm through with the bull." I project the best glare I can muster at them. "I'm not going to die because of a war I'm no longer in."

"That's not what this is about." This causes me to hesitate, it confuses me. What other motive could they have for doing this? I suppose it doesn't matter. I have to get out of this no matter what. Giving up and dying like this is out of the question.

It'd probably make Saber even more pissed at me. She's not my servant but I can't help but think that.

I'm already a disgrace. I can't let two little girls beat me. That's unacceptable.

I start to reach into my back pocket for my wallet.

My memories are puzzled and questionable right now. Though my mind is still functional, it's a fight to keep check of reality. I've had plenty of bad trips. I've handled withdrawal. Magic's helped me a little, but it's not been the only thing keeping me alive.

I've questioned my sanity more times than once. I'm experienced in all things crazy. I think I can keep a grasp on things. At least I hope.

Then again, I have no idea what's going on, but I'm assuming this is some sort of boundary field. Maybe a reality marble. I was never that good with comprehending the different forms of magic. Projection was always the one I stuck with. Still it seems like whatever this is that it's high level stuff. I should have been on guard.

However, from what it sounds like I only have to remember my name.

The ID in my wallet should help with that.

My hand goes into my pocket and starts feeling for the wallet. Nothing. I start to check my other pockets. Still nothing.

"Where's my wallet?"

The one in black holds it up. It takes me a moment to calm myself.

"Why do you have my wallet?"

"It's ours' now."

My jaw practically drops at their audacity. "Give it here."

She looks at me with a mischievous smile. "No."

"But it's mine."

That smile pops up yet again. "Not anymore. We won it, fair and square." She turns to the white one. "Isn't that right, Alice?"

The one in white nods in agreement, a smile on her face as well. "That's right Mister."

The 'Mister' makes me groan in frustration. I'm beginning to be sick of this game.

I'm still standing on the table, looking down on them. I have the high ground so they have no chance against me.

Why, I'd probably cut them down with a single blow if they tried to lunge for me. Then again there's not a bunch of lava around us and I'm going to be the one lunging.

I take aim at my target. Our eyes lock. Challenge accepted.

I dolphin dive off of the table and land in front of the girl in black. She was expecting me to directly impact her, so it throws her off just a bit.

Which gives me enough time to grab her ankle and pull her to the ground. She utters an exclamation of surprise as I manage to pull the wallet out of her grasp.

I quickly jump to my feet and raise my closed fist in the air as a way of celebrating my victory. For whatever reason reclaiming my wallet from a little girl makes me feel like a rock star. I'm a champion all right.

Afore mentioned little girl is glaring at me in anger. Hopefully she won't attack me. Or worse, wait if she started crying? My mind still sees her as the apathetic type. That doesn't mean she couldn't pull off a few crocodile tears though.

So here I am searching through my wallet while crossing my fingers that she's not going to start bawling. Aha! Here it is!

And here.

And here.

And here.

Dammit! Why do I have so many IDs?! 'Tom Victors', 'Dick Wright', 'Bruce Wayne', 'Giovanni Sakaki', 'Bud Weiser', 'Jack Daniels', 'Dante Di Prinzi', etc.

There's even one that only has the name 'McLovin' on it. Just 'McLovin'. At least it says I'm an organ donor.

There's at least two dozen of these fake IDs in here. The ages range from 16 to 61. Most have various versions of my face on them but one has some chick. She looks kind of familiar. Our eyes are the same color. I can't place where I've seen her before. Oh well, at least she's a solid nine.

Now on to the matter at hand. What the hell am I supposed to do now? Just start reading out these names in the hope that one of them will be my actual name? Well, doesn't hurt to try.

"Alfa Kenny Wun". The little girl's glare intensifies. Wonder what her problem is?

"Gil T. Azell." She starts mumbling something that vaguely sounds like 'you can say that again'.

"Al Kikuraz." This makes both of them chuckle. Wat.

"Seymour Butze." The one in white continues laughing while the one in black just stares at me with an expression that says she's not impressed. Just for good measure I read off the one with the chick on it.

"Anita Lyfe." The one in white keeps laughing. The one in black just scowls.

"Ok. . . Those didn't work. Let's start with the others." I fumble around to pull the other IDs out. The two children just stare at me like I'm an idiot.

"Mister, you're going to fail."

I start grumbling profanity at them. Part of me just wants to start shaking my fist at them while saying something like 'Get out of my head you young whippersnappers!'


Several dozen names later.

The world is finally starting to fade away. I guess one of those aliases were right. Not sure which one. Don't really care at this point. I'm just hoping I can get out of here and clobber these two for trying to kill me.

Oh. . . wait. Did I say 'clobber'? I meant 'cuddle'. Wait. . . That sounds even creepier! I just can't win, can I?!

We're back in the kitchen. It's sometime in the afternoon. Both of them are staring at me.

At this point I'm not sure whether or not what I'm seeing is reality. My head's still a bit foggy, and I'm a bit confused as to who I am. A lot of the memories I saw just didn't fit into place. Something doesn't feel quite right.

I'll just blame it on these brats. I don't know what they were trying to do but they definitely screwed with my head. Now what am I going to do with these two? Alice and Alice. A+ and A-. Plus and Minus.

They've reverted back to how I previously saw them. The one in black is blank and the one in white is timid. I can't tell if I'm just portraying them this way in my head or if they're just screwing with me. Maybe a little of both.

The best news is that out of all the fuzzy thoughts in my head I can at least remember why they tried to kill me.

Apparently they won that blackjack game pretty easily. To the point where they ended up with not only my wallet, but all the cash I had in the house. Which was a lot. I never trusted banks. Always preferred the bed mattress. It gave me a very rational fear of house fires.

After losing a large chunk of what I needed to sustain my lifestyle I flipped out. Then I flipped the table. Then I flipped them the bird. Followed by several choice words. It even made Plus cry. Snatched as much of the money out of their hands as I could carry, and finally tried to make a mad dash for the door while screaming 'suckers' at them over my shoulder.

I got hit with whatever spell they had before I made it five feet from my starting point. Remembering all this made me feel terrible.

I only made it five feet?! What the hell is wrong with me?! I used to be able to at least make it ten feet in situations like this! Sometimes even twenty! Granted, in most similar cases I ended up getting either shot or stabbed instead of having to participate in a tea party but I can still whine like a bitch about it all I want.

I'm kind of impressed that these two kids managed to take me down that fast. Plus they beat me at blackjack. Even when I was cheating and counting the cards. Then again I always sucked at that so my attempts at cheating probably just made it easier for them to win.

There's a clear morale to this story. Take notes kids, if you're going to cheat don't suck at it. It's not as easy as it is in the movies. Especially when your opponents are porcelain dolls with realistic comprehension skills.

A few minutes and a very heated argument later, everything is cleared up.

I got my money back, wallet and all, and all I had to do was grovel and beg like a wimp to two little girls that probably weren't even in their teens. Not that big of a deal.

Also I had to promise to take them to get ice cream. Not sure where I'm supposed to find an ice cream shop. I'm not exactly a social butterfly in case it wasn't obvious and the most I've traveled around this country was when I was with Saber. During that time I was more worried about the police or the giant monster that ended up being related to these two kids.

Speaking of the police. Minus seems to have a thing for watching the news. I questioned her as to why. She simply shrugged and said 'I like to be entertained'. I didn't push any further.

Apparently they found the two officers I left behind. It was big news for a day or so. The department kept replying with the generic 'no comment' and 'we're looking into it'. My car was found too. Crushed to a near unrecognizable state. Lots of questions on why it was there. No one around to answer them. Good thing the plates were fake. Also a few murders here and there. All nobodies, either homeless or prostitutes, so the media didn't really care about them that much. A shame really.

It sounds kind of suspicious. Something might be up. Understandable considering how this magic war is going on. The best part out of all of this was that none of it was traced back to me. I would have thought that they would have nailed as much as possible on the 'mysterious clown shooter'.

Guess my fifteen minutes of fame are up. Kind of makes me sad. Maybe I should go kick a mime in the nuts.

"Ok you two let's go."

"Ice cream?" They say it at the same time. In the same tone. It scares me a bit.

After releasing a frustrated sigh, questioning as to where my life went wrong, concluding that it started at the moment of conception, and muttering 'maybe', we're outside and walking down the street. To where, I have no idea.

"Mister." I turn to Plus.

"What." My tone's a bit annoyed.

Minus speaks up. "An enemy master and servant are here."

I can't even respond before said enemy speaks up. "i'M bAcK! yOu LoOk TaSTy aS eVEr!"

"Shit." After a quick facepalm I slowly turn to face the foe.

Of course. The goddamn clown. I was hoping she was living under a rock somewhere. Preferably far away from me. Instead she's staring at me with a strange look. I can't make a conclusion over whether its lust or hunger. I'm praying to Pesci that it's the latter.

"Mister who is this? Does she know you?"

"That 'mister' thing's starting to get on my nerves." I start glaring at the clown while addressing the two kids next to me.

"This. . . is someone I'd rather not be dealing with."

Minus snorts in amusement. "What, like an ex-girlfriend?" For some reason Plus blushes out of embarrassment.

"Well last time we met she did want to eat me." My response is met with a glare.

"yOu hUrT mE LaSt TiMe! iTs My tURn nOw!" Her voice is filled with venom.

Great. Now she's not only trying to eat me, but now she's holding a grudge too. Why do things always have to become personal?

"What did you do break her heart?" More snickers from Minus. I'm really hoping I'm imagining all this.

"Hey Chuckles, you were the one who tried to eat me. I defended myself."

This doesn't please the cannibalistic clown. "yOu sHOt mE!"

"We all make mistakes." A sad look is on my face. Almost as if I regret what I did. Then I dash that possibility away with the next sentence. "Mine was not using a gun chambered in a larger caliber."

This starts to piss her off even more.

"lAnCEr-kUn!" Her voice is shrill. Almost like a siren. The mythical kind and the cop kind.

Kun? Am I dealing with a little boy? Hopefully not, I've had enough of the future of humanity.

"My wife, who is this disgusting heathen?" Standing in front of me is the so-called 'lancer-kun'. It hits me then that another Lancer has been summoned to replace Berserker. That's not good.

The guy in front of me appeared out of nowhere, which I'm guessing means he was in his spirit form up until now.

He looks to be in his late forties, maybe even fifties. I'm not exactly sure since I've never been good with telling age. Though his gray hair shows he has to be at least of a decent age. I'll admit, I'm a bit envious of the guy's beard. It puts my patchy disgrace to shame.

If it ended there then the guy would be your average aging tourist. What separates him from the average Joe has to be a combination of his red eyes and the fact that he's wearing goddamn plate armor.

Black plate armor to be specific. To drive home the point that he's some glorified badass has to be the left side of said plate armor being entirely stained with blood.

I didn't even know armor could stain. This guy had to be a serious lazy ass to neglect cleaning his armor to the point where it actually stained. The blood on it is akin to an alcohol stain in the shag carpet of a 1970s Volkswagen bus.

As in it's everywhere and really noticeable. Hasn't he heard of waxing?

The best part is how he has a red cape attached to the front. It's all tattered as if the guy just went through hell and back. Hell, he probably did being the servant to this crazy clown. Plus, the fact that it's a cape just makes me happy for some reason. I can almost picture this guy wearing his underwear on the outside with tights on.

I dub him 'Waifuman'. Making an honest lunatic out of a demented cannibalistic clown woman.

"tHiS iS tHAt GuY."

Waifuman raises an eyebrow at this. "It is him?"

Pennywise nods in the affirmative. Waifuman glares at me. I can see the fire burning in his eyes. The pure passionate hatred he spews in my direction. It makes me giddy with excitement.

"You!" Great, Waifuman has evolved into Angrywaifuman.

Angrywaifuman has learned the move 'outside voice'. "You dare to harm my wife?! I shall eviscerate you!"

I scratch my head out of confusion. "You want to masturbate me?"

He stumbles backwards out of shock. "No you fool! I shall eviscerate you!"

"You want to fornicate with me?"

"Eviscerate you heathen!"

"Liberate?" I pause to stroke my chin out of contemplation. As if I'm considering a proposal. "Well I have been being pushed down by 'the man' for the past few days. Thanks for the offer."

"Eviscerate you idiot! Do you not know what the word means?!" His voice almost squeak. The guy's really passionate about his waifu. He probably even has a body pillow of her. "You harmed my wife now I shall end you in a time consuming and brutal fashion!"

"I'm not really a fan of fashion. I just wear whatever I grab first." For emphasis I point to my current outfit. "Though I have an ex-Servant who would probably love to talk to you about that. She's an 'artist'." I roll my eyes at the word.

Lancer is puzzled. I'm guessing he thought I was going to cower in fear or something. Nah, I got a plan. Time to up my antagonizing level to the max.

First I mumble to the two kids near me. "Plug your ears."

"No."

"Do it or no ice cream." Surprisingly this actually works.

Then I face Lancer. "Yo, Lancer, five bucks says your wife's not a virgin." His raises his eyebrows. I smirk. I've just gotten started. "I'm betting she got plowed real hard by the circus elephant. Hell maybe the bearded lady got in on the action too." I start making obscene gestures with my hands just to make sure he understands.

I can feel the steam coming from his ears all the way from here.

"What was that supposed to accomplish?" I turn towards Minus. Plus still has her ears plugged. I gesture for her to unplug them.

"Well now he'll charge at me without thinking and Saber will swoop in and slaughter him."

Both of them blink at me.

"Shit. I forgot." I rush to the kids and scoop them up in my arms. Then I make a break for the crowded streets.

A roar of fury comes from behind me. Along with the giddy laughter of a certain insane clown. No not the Joker. He's not a ginger and I'm not the goddamn Batman.

I sprint as fast as possible and manage to make it a decent distance away.

Well, decent if we're talking normal human. For a Servant, especially a Lancer, my sprint is almost in slow motion. Before I can process exactly how screwed I am, something smashes into my back and sends me tumbling forward.

I roll on the ground while tucking the two kids into my chest in a protective manner. Then I manage to get to my feet and continue the dash to freedom.

Maniacal laughter reaches me as I dart away. "You cannot run away, you filthy creature!" I ignore him and continue rushing away.

"Why are you carrying us?" I briefly look at the two. Then I focus on running.

"Not sure actually. You guys need to lay off on the carbs, you're kind of heavy." This confuses them. It also shuts them up for a moment. Which was my plan.

Then the moment of silence is ruined. "Why can't we just fight?"

I keep running to safety. "Don't know. Just decided to run. Stop questioning me when I actually do something decent." I stare directly into their eyes. "Unless you think I should be more of an ass." That silences them.

I keep dashing away. The sound of my feet smacking against the sidewalk reverberates into the distance. I takes a while but I finally make it to the populated streets.

"There's another master." Minus points at someone in the distance. I'm really hoping its Rin. She'd be better than nothing.

My hopes are quickly tossed to the side when I get a look at the master. It's an older man. Older than Lancer. Gray hair, gray beard. Damn does every guy except me have an awesome beard? I feel like less of a man.

He's obviously a foreigner like me. Though he has a different aura around him than the average tourist. A dignified one almost.

Plus his clothes are far more elaborate and elegant than the average stiff. He screams class and upper class. The frown he makes when seeing me and the two Alices tells me he's a bit uptight. Probably the do-gooder type.

I charge towards him while wailing like a banshee. Right before I collide into him I hit the brakes.

Then I put on my best impression of a terrified victim. "Sir, there's a man chasing us. I don't know what he wants." My voice wavers a bit. "Please help. Please, think of the children! The children!" I wiggle the Alices at him to reinforce my point. They indulge me and play along by putting on their best looking scared faces.

He starts fumbling with his words as he attempts to respond to me.

Then I see Lancer. He's calmly walking towards us. Like a predator stalking its wounded prey. He's purposely taking his time. Berserker did something similar now that I think about it. These 'Heroic' spirits have a sadistic side.

I point at him and start blubbering something about 'bad man wants to kill us'. The Good Samaritan locks eyes with Lancer. Both of them stiffen. Then the master tells me to run. I don't think twice before I book it out of there.

"Damn, I love white knights."

I keep running away until I'm at least a mile or so down the street.

Then I put down the two Alices before I practically collapse on the pavement. People give me confused looks as they walk by. I'm sweating as if I'd just run a marathon. Well I suppose I technically did do something like that. My breath comes out in gasps as I struggle to inhale and exhale at a reasonable pace.

"Shit, I'm out of shape." I suppose magic kept me from realizing my own weaknesses. I actually had thought I was in pretty good shape.

"Mister, are you ok?" Both of them say this at the same time.

It's starting to unnerve me, they're like those creepy kids in the Shining.

"Can you two stop speaking at the same time? It's weird."

They stare at me for a while before blinking. "Why do you say that, Mister?"

I could swear they were smirking at me for a moment there.

Their recent tendency to use 'mister' is also starting to make me a bit annoyed. Maybe I'm just too sensitive. Or else they're purposely trying to irritate me. I wouldn't put it past them.

I'm still kind of confused as to why they're sticking around. They should have just killed me with that beast of theirs. At this point I think I would have preferred that outcome.

"What now?" I've regained my breath.

"Ice cream." The way they say it pisses me off. It's like I'm being commanded.

I answer to no one, especially not small children.

"Ok. Well let's go."

This is met with cheer of joy.

They're drastic changes in personality makes me think that they might have warmed up to me.

That or they're bipolar.

Maybe both.

Though it makes me wonder which personality of theirs is the true one? Do they even have a true one? I still know nothing about them. But, for whatever reason they remind me of myself to a point.

Almost makes me guilty since I was lying about looking for ice cream. Screw them, I don't even like ice cream. I'd much rather prefer a burger at this point.

Plus I'm still not sure if this is the real life or just fantasy. We never discussed the specifics of what they did to me. I have no idea if I even escaped from their wonderland. Maybe I'm still in that dreamlike state. If I am still in my head then it must be being influenced by them. I would never dream about traveling around this damn city with these damn brats.

If I think about it, what's to say that what I thought was reality was actually a dream and what I thought was a dream was actually a reality? I'm confusing myself to think about it. Maybe I should spin a top.

As I'm thinking over all of this drivel I'm vaguely aware that Plus and Minus have each taken a hold of my hands.

We're just walking forward. In their minds it's a journey to find some frozen sugar milk. In mine it's a journey without a destination.

I have no idea as to what I should do now.

Before this war there was at least some semblance of order in my life. I never knew what day or what time it was. I knew I'd go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning. I knew I'd probably do at least one thing illegal. I knew I'd piss some people off. And I knew I'd be bored throughout all of this. Bored and alone.

Now, with a war going on, it seems everything I do is sporadic. I still don't know the date or time. Though, I'm no longer bored. And I suppose I'm no longer alone. But I don't know if I'm going to go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning. There's a war going on.

So far I've met a cannibalistic clown with a grudge against me. Her doting maniacal servant. That random old dude that was willing to risk his life for a stranger. Rin. Her crazy servant. Saber. Then these two little brats and that beast of theirs that I can only assume is their servant.

Of course there's also Rider and that other dolt of a kid. Hopefully they're out of this thing for good. I don't need to have to deal with any more problems.

Where do I fit in all of this? Technically I shouldn't even be in this anymore. I should go to the supervisor and give up. This isn't my fight. I couldn't care less about some mystical cup.

Yet here I am. Continuing to be a part of something that I was never meant to be a part of.

An outcast.

It's pretty pathetic considering the roster of misfits that are involved in this.

We're still walking.

By now we're probably at least an hour or two from my house. We end up in the center of the city. Then we cross the bridge that allows travel between the suburbs and the newer district.

I end up in front of some shabby looking coffee shop.

What caught my attention was the name of the place. 'Ahnenerbe'.

"I hope that's based off of the actual translation of the term and not a Nazi pseudoscience think tank." Like I said I know my history. To an extent at least.

"Because if it's the later than what's their daily special? Racist bullshit or cyanide capsules? Perhaps it's Charlie Chaplin moustaches?"

Curiosity gets the better of me and, after bluffing to Alice and Alice that this place might have ice cream, I enter through one of the doors.

The place is pretty quaint. I can vaguely feel that the owner was going for a German style with the design. There's almost no one in it.

The first people I notice are the two employees. Both are teenage girls. The one seems cheerful and friendly. Typical girl that would be deemed 'moe'. Her hair's a reddish orange and she has one of those ahoge things like Saber. Her eyes are a lighter orange. She's waving at me.

I ignore whatever it is that she's saying.

The other one's cleaning with a broom and has a sour expression on her face. I'm not sure if that's her usual one or if she's putting it on just for me. Maybe I'm special. It's the kind of expression you'd see on someone who's been constipated for weeks. Don't ask why I know what that looks like.

I automatically conclude that she's a tsundere. Just from that look. Though the twin tails helped in my conclusion. Her hair's a strange color. Moss green I think? I'd have to check Crayola for the specifics. Her eyes are a similar color.

Both of them are wearing the same schoolgirl uniform. Must be the owner's fetish.

There's only two other humans in here.

I specify 'humans' because there's a handful of midget cat people going about the place. I'd ask why, but fuck it. I've seen crazier things. Magic and Japan have desensitized me to the abnormal. That and not really giving a damn.

Also there's a talking cellphone making fun of the green haired chick. Again, no clue as to the how or why. Don't really care. Actually I'm kind of enjoying the insults it's dishing out. I'll consider it karma for giving me the evil eye.

Then she snaps the phone in half and my only friend in this insane asylum is gone. Goodnight sweet prince. I didn't know you more than a minute and you didn't know me at all, but it's still a tragedy that your snarky nature was taken from this world.

Anyway, we'll mourn for the phone later.

The other two are a man and a woman.

At least I think that's a woman. The better term would probably be 'girl'. Probably late teens from her look. She's tomboyish. Red hoodie, white shirt, jeans. Her style gets my seal of approval. Right now she's scarfing down food faster than Saber did.

If I wasn't a wizard, in a perverted sense and not a magical one, I would have probably assumed she was male. Then again assuming makes an ass out of you and me so maybe I'm wrong. Might be the best bet since the two things that would really seal the deal as to what her gender was are kind of M.I.A. She looks familiar though, kind of like Saber, so I'll assume she's female.

The man looks to be in his early twenties. I approve of his fashion sense as well. Black leather jacket, red shirt, black pants. Simple but it works. Though I'd probably wear a white or black shirt instead of a red one. Red's never been my favorite color. Always been the boring type with my sense of style. Brown, black, and white. Better for blending in the crowd.

The talk of fashion makes me glance at my own clothes. Black jeans, black shirt, and a black hoodie. All black. Man, I'm a depressing individual. Least I can listen to that Johnny Cash song and feel somewhat like a badass. AC/DC helps too. Ah, the mending of a pathetic man's shredded ego.

*Sigh.

Back to the matter at hand. The man's hair color is red. Dark red.

I'm beginning to become prejudicial against redheads. That goes for the moe employee as well. Sure it's idiotic, lacks any basis in reason, and is completely ridiculous but the last redhead I got to meet ended up being a psychotic cannibal clown.

Therefore I now have a checklist when I meet new people. Those who are redheaded, clowns, or ever displayed an interest in the consumption of human flesh are people that must be approached with caution.

That's why I end up taking the table farthest from those two.

Plus the blonde started glaring at me suspiciously. I think she's assuming I want her food.

It's like dealing with a starving dog.

The orange girl introduces herself as Hibiki Hibino. Well actually since its right to left I suppose it would have been actually her introducing herself as Hibino Hibiki before giving us menus.

Screw it I'm American, lets bastardize other peoples cultures! That wasn't sarcasm.

From this day forth she shall be referred to as Hibikini. For no reason other than I need something mediocre and trivial to keep me entertained while this blonde chick's devouring her meal quite loudly and this green haired tsundere is glaring at me for no reason.

The redheaded guy is looking into his wallet. From the sad look on his face I can tell he's not exactly pleased with his partner's gluttony.

The Alices skimmed through the menus and realized that, surprise, this isn't an ice cream shop. Now they're whining at me. As well as giving me puppy dog eyes. This along with the loud munching noises from the table across the room is making me want to escape. If I'm fantasizing all of this and not actual in the real world then I'm a stranger guy than I thought.

Finally it gets to be too much. I end up erupting. "You! Man-woman! Didn't your parents ever teach you any manners?!"

At this point the entire room went quiet. The look on the redheaded man's face told me everything I needed to know. It made me want to cry.

I done fucked up.

The blonde became very tense. Then she slowly turned to face me.

"What did you say?" She says this in a staccato fashion. With each word being punctuated with a small pause.

Being the genius that I am and refusing to go back on what I say I reply with this beauty of a phrase.

"I said 'Man-woman. Didn't your parents teach you how to eat goddamn food without making the noises someone would expect to hear in a shitty 70s porno?!' Or at least something like that."

At this point I realized that it was too late to apologize.

To my surprise the redheaded guy briefly started to chuckle. That is, until the blonde silenced him with a look of pure fury.

The tension could be cut with a knife.

Then the two Alices get up, ask Hibikini where the bathroom is, and excuse themselves while walking away. Thanks guys for the support.

For a while nothing happens. I can almost see the tumbleweeds roll by. Almost hear the crickets chirping.

Then the blonde gets up. She just stands there for a moment. A dark look on her face. Then she charges at me. Fists raised. I do what any sensible man would do when a woman attacks with violence on her mind.

I put on my best Chris Hansen impersonation. "Why don't you take a seat, right over there?" I point back towards where she came from.

It stops her for a moment. I can see the confusion on her face.

Bullshitting time. "I'll buy you whatever you want. As long as you tone it down a bit on the noises. There's children around. They might get the wrong idea. You understand don't you?" I try to put as much emphasis on this as possible, but in a way that I hope she doesn't take as being patronizing. "Their parents would be very upset if I were to bring them back with bad manners that they didn't have before." My tone's completely different. I'm calm, cool, very much collected, and in control.

All I'm doing is hoping to Pesci that those TV shows I've seen on training dogs will pay off.

I'm going to die, aren't I?

I'm totally going to die.

Surprisingly it works. She calms down. I'm guessing the mention of free food is what paid off.

Then she grabs me by the shirt, lifts me out of the chair and growls something along the lines of 'I'm keeping you to that promise' followed by a long detailed list of exactly what she'll do to me if I don't keep to my promise. She throws me to the floor and then sits back down in her chair.

I quickly call over Hibikini and tell her that I'll pay for whatever the blonde one orders. The green haired chick is laughing in the corner.

I throw a fork at her. Several things get chucked at me in return.

I end up sitting with the redhead and blonde.

The redhead introduces himself as Keith.

The blonde just grunts at me. From now on her name is 'Ugh'.

"So were those your sisters?" Keith's the one who tries to start conversation first.

Ugh has a mouthful of what looks to be pasta.

"Nope. I told them I had free candy in the van. Now they follow me all around."

Ugh looks up at the word 'candy'. Then I have to explain that I was joking. To both of my companions. Almost got blacklisted for a moment there. Guess I need to remember not to joke about such things in a deadpan voice.

Hibikini takes our order. Then a group of three girls comes in and she starts fangirling over them for some reason. I hear some vague mention of 'comedians'.

The green haired girl ends up coming over with her broom. Then she starts sweeping really loudly. Dust ends up clouding up the area.

"Hey tsundere chick. I'd prefer to not reenact the Dust Bowl." She glares at me. Then Keith has to kindly and politely explain to her that she's being a dipshit. She glares at him a bit less harshly and then walks away.

By then Hibikini is done being a groupie and goes up to the girl to explain that she shouldn't be so rude. Apparently her name's Chikagi. I'll refer to her as the Hokage. Why you may ask? I reply with 'just, don't ask'.

Our foods brought to us.

"What about the two kids?" I end up having to explain to Keith that they're probably not coming back. Then I have the difficult task of convincing someone that two little girls are slightly diabolical.

Conversation actually goes fairly well after this. Brief chitchat over things like the weather, followed by loud burping from Ugh, and ending with a farewell and a parting of ways.

Keith was a decent enough fellow and he ended up paying for more than half of Ugh's food. I insisted on paying the tip.

He, along with Hibikini, weren't that bad.

Guess gingers do have souls.

Now, what to do? Find the twin Alices or just go home and ignore them for as long as possible?

Well, guess it wouldn't hurt to look for them.

Let's just hope I don't have to deal with anything too serious.

I have a bad feeling about this.


Shout-out to King Keith. This chapter had a short crossover with his main OC from his latest story The Defiant Ones. Check it out if you'd like. I'd like to thank all the people who took the time to review as well. Feedback is always welcomed, especially the constructive criticism kind. The most recent review, written by Quill, was particularly helpful with improvements to this story. I completely overlooked that plot hole with Dante's Command Spells in the last chapter. Hopefully I sort of fixed it in this one. Also I tried to breakup larger dialogue pieces as suggested. Not sure how I did with that. Now, here's where I could make a long and pitiful excuse up for being lazy, but I won't. It has taken far too long for this update to occur. Hopefully this'll be the longest hiatus I ever have. As an act of repentance I've made this chapter a few thousand words longer than the average one I write. Let me know if this length per chapter is more preferable. Or maybe if something shorter would be better. I've seen excellent fics on this website that had chapters that were 4,000 words at most. Though honestly the length wouldn't really update how often I update. That's a fickle factor for me. Sorry for the lengthy AU, I just needed to comment on some things. -SB