Ren: Well, here we go again... Time for another possibly entertaining chapter of Kidd's Crazier than You! Now, with 20% more Patti! Yes, Patti. Your loss of sanity guaranteed or your money back. You see, it has come to my attention that I've been torturing Kidd for the past seven or eight chapters and left the Thompson sisters offstage, as it were. Therefore, to at least partially correct this. I'm giving our favorite Brooklyn mad-girl her time in the spotlight. So I apologize in advance if this may be a tad confusing, eyes of madness and all that.
Addams Mansion: Liz and Patti's room
"PSST!"
Patti moaned in her sleep and snuggled herself deeper into the covers. Her boundless energy had to come from somewhere. Although, just where it came from exactly was still being fiercely debated. Besides, she was on the second floor; it was probably just the wind or something.
"PSST!" The voice whispered again, a little louder this time as he tapped on the windows. "Patti, wake up!"
Patti moaned again and flashed an obscene gesture in the window's general direction.
"Patti, let me in."
"Okay, this is getting really old!" Patti angrily sat up in bed with a humph and automatically scanned the room, taking note of every last detail. Well, nothing seemed out of place: Her teddy bear, some coloring books, a fishbowl, Mr. Frisky, her new pet piranha, Sis's bed, Sis, a pair of shorts, her cowboy hat, group picture from Spring Break, creepy shadow in the window, a comfy chair, a unicycle...
"Wait a minute..." Her eyes widened. She gasped in shock, something was very, very wrong. "When did we get unicycle!"
"PSST!"
"And the tire's sprung a leak, too!"
"Patricia Thompson, open this window, right now!"
-GASP- Her full name! No, not her FULL NAME! Anything but that! Her full name was a terrible thing, always followed by nasty orders:
Patricia Thompson, don't tilt the picture frames.
Patricia Thompson, clean your room.
Patricia Thompson, get out of that giraffe enclosure!
Whatever this thing was, it was definitely bad news!
"Oh for the love of... Patti, just let me in already!" the voice demanded angrily. "It's really cold out here!"
Patti jumped out of bed and made her way to the window. Drawing back the curtains, she saw a young man with shaggy brown hair dangling from an overhead chunk of masonry. It was the Prisoner from Fester's lab. He was still wearing the same, tattered clothes from yesterday. Although, the fez was a nice touch.
"Well, are you gonna let me in or not?" The Prisoner asked with a grin.
The younger Thompson laughed to herself and opened the window. She grabbed his hand and with an evil smile and gave it a quick yank. This sent the poor man rolling across the room, stopping with a thud against a wall.
"I meant to do that!" The Prisoner defended as he scrambled to his feet and straightened his clothes. "Anyway, what's up!"
"You're that guy from Fester's lab! With a Fez!"
"Yup, fezzes are cool. And I guess I never introduced myself earlier. Just call me..." the Prisoner paused and muttered to himself, deep in thought. "Wait, never thought of a name. Hm, gimme a minute... Let's see, Pen-something... Penn and Teller? No. Penstroke? I think that one's taken. Maybe, Dr. Penman? Ew... Ah, whatever. Just call me the Author! It a'int original, but I guess it'll do for now. Least, until I think of something better."
"Alright Author! So, whataya want?" Patti stared him down. She was a lot of things but she wasn't stupid. Crazy and trigger happy maybe, but definitely not stupid. "Better yet, what're you doing back in my 'verse?"
"Uh... what ever are you talking about Patti? I'm nothing... really! I'm just an ordinary human! Definitely nothing you'd be interested in, honest!"
Patti wasn't amused and continued to glare at her new special friend. It would almost be redundant to say she wasn't buying it. But, she wasn't.
"Oh bugger, what gave me away?"
"Nothing, kinda figured it all out." Patti smirked. The cheerful and a tad maniacal Patti was gone. In her place stood a street-wise Brooklyn girl. And this girl knew a liar when she saw one. She also knew to never trust a Rockette. But, that was another story. "So, I'm only gonna ask one more time, what do you want?"
"What? A guy can't just randomly tear holes in the wall between dimensions anymore?" the Author laughed, throwing the fez aside.
Patti folded her arms skeptically. She still wasn't buying it.
"Oh, fine. Nobody's gonna believe you anyway. I just popped in to say you're gonna be in the spotlight for a little bit and to give you this." The young man shrugged, then fished something out of his pocket. It was a golden badge that looked like a sheriff's star, with the words "Main Character" painstakingly carved onto the face.
"Patti, this is gonna be really important. So pay attention..." He started talking again, but Patti wasn't listening. All she could hear was gibberish and occasionally her name. She was still fixated on the badge. It was shiny. Not the tin foil kind of shiny or that chrome pipe-y kind of shiny. Nope, it was the special kind of shiny. The kind of shiny that seemed to glow. The kind of shiny that just begged you to steal it.
No, bad Patti! You're not that kind of girl anymore! More importantly, Patti decided, the Author looked really funny now. His mouth was flapping about, but no real words came out. It was like a cheesy foreign movie, only she was making up the subtitles. It'd be funny if he started talking about bananas, wouldn't it?
"Blah Blah Blah, Patti Patti? Patti? Are you even listening?" the young man snapped his fingers, trying to get the younger Thompson's attention. "Anyone home?"
"Sorry, what was the question?" Patti blinked trying to remember what he'd said. Something about bananas, maybe? No, it was the badge!
"I said: do you understand what this does?"
"Yeah!" Patti nodded. She had no idea what was going on. But, why tell him that?
"Well, take it then." The Author smiled and held the badge in front of her. It was still that special kind of shiny. Plus, it wasn't stealing if he offered it, right? Patti took the badge and held it closer to read the inscription. Suddenly, a little nozzle popped up and sprayed a mist at her. It smelled funny, not like that cologne Kidd liked funny. It smelled kind of like cotton candy. She liked cotton candy, maybe she'd get some later! But, if it smelled like cotton candy... why were her eyes getting heavy? And, when did the room start spinning?
Patti giddily staggered back and forth as she made her way across the room, her legs feeling more and more like lead with each step. And finally, she fell onto her bed with a thud, snoring loudly.
"Didn't want to do that..." The Author sighed, scribbling something on a piece of paper and flicking it at the sleeping girl. "But, we're already two pages in, and I gotta get the plot started somehow. Allons-y!" He fiddled with his watch and crackling portal appeared outside the window. Smirking, he took a running start and leaped through it.
-MORNING!-
The next morning, Patti rolled out of bed. She didn't crawl out of bed, or leisurely get up, she literally rolled over and hit her head on the floor. Rubbing her head in pain, she thought about what happened last night. Had it been a dream? And if it had, then she really had to stop eating jello before bed. I mean, it had to be! The Author coming back to visit? Seemed kind of silly, even for her. But, she changed her mind when she peeled a piece of paper of her face. It was a note...
"Have fun, Thompson?" Patti squinted as she read the note. That's it? Have fun? What the heck did that mean? There had to be more! Patti flipped it over. The other side was blank. She held the note to the light. Still nothing. She even licked it. Nasty tasting, but still nothing new showed up.
"Sis, I got a creepy note, any idea what it means?" Patti asked. But, her sister said nothing. In fact, she wasn't even in their room.
"Sis? Kidd? Wendy? Pugsley?" Still no answer. Where did they go? What if, what if she was all alone? What if she was the last person alive? She needed to prepare for the inevitable zombie-pocalypse. She needed food and water and hey, another note! This note was left on the nightstand, next to Mr. Frisky's bowl. She knew this handwriting, it was Death the Kidd's. Nobody else would use such immaculate and kind of girly cursive.
Dear Patti,
Your sister insisted that I take her on a "therapeutic" shopping trip. She said she only needed a few things. So naturally, we should be back in a few hours or a few thousand dollars later. Which ever comes first. Wednesday and Pugsley have gone off... somewhere. I didn't ask and neither should you.
Love,
Death the Kidd
Hey Patti,
Whatever you do, don't go into the library and don't check the third shelf from the right. You'll know why...
From,
Take a guess...
So, Kidd and Sis were on a shopping trip? She was all alone in a creepy house full of dangerous, supernatural things? A mysterious note? Wow, was there a downside to this? There was only one thing she could do. Time to definitely not check out the library!
The Addams family was famous for many things: their preference for the dark and the macabre, their surprising tolerance, their familial loyalty. But, the one thing everyone seemed to forget was their impressive library. All members of the family were firm believers that knowledge was power, and they could always use more power. How else could Pugsley know how to build a death ray? Their library was a massive maze of bookcases, each one tall enough to make one feel insignificant under the weight of such a collection of knowledge. And each individual shelf of each bookcase was filled with books both old and new on many a subject, showcasing their eclectic interests. Theirs was a library like no other. With high ceilings and Gothic style, it was the kind of library that was a cathedral of knowledge and definitely looked the part. The kind of library where one could enter one morning and then realize they've spent three days reading... non-stop. Yeah, it was that kind of big.
Of course, none of that really mattered to Patti. I just thought someone would like the description and/or could appreciate good architecture. She wanted fun and she wanted it now. But, she had no idea what she was looking for. If only there was a thinly-veiled, poorly-inserted Deus Ex Machina that could help her. But, what? What? WHAT?
A knock came from a small wooden box on a nearby table. Patti smiled to herself. She knew who it was. Flipping the lid off, Patti squealed with joy as Thing popped up and stretched his... fingers. "Hiya Thing, I wanna borrow a book! The note said it's on the third shelf from the right." Patti gave the note to the severed hand. After somehow managing to read over it, Thing gave a salute and scuttled off.
"You know you guys can go get a snack or scroll down or something. This might take a while." Patti smiled, waving at mysterious, otherworldly beings beyond the veil of her perception (*Audience*). She plopped down in a nearby chair, swinging her legs back and forth expectantly. She waited and waited and waited a bit more. And, out of sheer boredom, the younger Thompson stared at her nails, still waiting for Thing. It was astounding, it seemed like time was fleeting and madness would take its toll. Sighing, she checked her new watch. How much longer would this take?
It had only been three minutes. Nope, make that three and a half.
Patti groaned, this was taking forever! She'd already sung all the songs she knew in her head, even the national anthem she made up. She couldn't wait any longer! She wanted fun now! And so, she'd make fun... it wouldn't take too much. All she needed was a giraffe, some pantyhose and a mariachi band. Yes, she would rain Fun from the heavens! Let the dull heathens know her... Hey, Thing's back!
Thing scuttled to the foot of her chair, carrying two books on his wrist stump. Picking up the books, Patti put them in front of her and read over the titles.
Gazing Upon the Fourth Wall: Who Are You People and Why Are You Watching Me? by Dr. Wade Wilson M.D, Ph.D, B.S.
Necromancy for Dummies! A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising an Army of the Undead
Patti smiled evilly. Yes, she knew exactly what kind of fun she'd have today.
-Meanwhile, with Kidd and Liz-
Liz was having the time of her life! Yup, there was nothing that helped her get over psychological trauma like shopping. Of course, the fact that Kidd was paying for everything definitely helped with her recovery. And yet, she felt a bit apprehensive and uneasy. Ever since she started living at Gallows Mansion with Patti, she'd developed this strange sixth sense. She couldn't predict the future or detect her enemies in a crowd. No, it was something simpler than all of that. No matter where she was in the world, no matter what time it was; Elizabeth Virginia Thompson knew, she just knew when her sister was about to raise a little hell. But, surely it wasn't now. After all, she hadn't felt the "tell".
Wait, her eye started twitching. Once, Twice, Three times!
Yup, there it was. Still, no reason to check on her just yet... After all, it wasn't like she'd go and break the fundamental laws of nature. Right?
-New York City: Central Park!-
Patti sighed in disappointment. This wasn't going as well as she'd hoped. Apparently, zombies were not the best Ultimate Frisbee players. She could easily defend her thesis with three well-researched observations: A. Zombies were slow and had terrible reflexes. B. There were now more severed limbs on the field than players. And C. They were now trying to eat squirrels. Something was missing, but what? Patti reached into her back pocket and pulled out a ratty looking piece of paper. It was her to-do list. Let's see: Learn the rules for "Is There a God?" Check. Have a tea party? Check. Learn a valuable lesson about Friendship? Um... Maybe later. Beat oatmeal in a knife fight? Nah, She took care of that second chapter. Promote her all-zombie theater troupe? Bingo! That'll be awesome! But, for this to work, she needed to be somewhere big. Someplace where thousands of people would pass through and hopefully donate to her cause or even buy tickets. Patti nodded, her mind was made up. OFF TO TIMES SQUARE!
-New York City: Times Square!-
"Scuse me, could I interest ya in watching an really~ awesome musical? It's performed by an all zombie cast!" Patti enthusiastically shoved a pamphlet in the face of yet another tourist. But, it seemed like he wasn't interested. In fact, he seemed kind of terrified as he ran off. Patti pouted childishly and walked off, flanked by a pair of confused zombies. Despite being on Broadway, it seemed like no one here was interested in her musical. It was even something awesome, the Rocky Horror Show! What's not to love? Maybe they wanted something classier... Anything Goes, maybe?
"Oh, for the love of God! Help me!"
Oh great, her leading man was trying to eat someone's femur. This was definitely going to be bad for publicity.
Patti thought to herself for a moment. Maybe, she was going about this the wrong way. After all, Kidd and Sis were always telling her to keep things simple. Granted, they were talking about Patti's first cooking lesson. But, despite creating the first, and if Kidd had anything to say about it, final batch of Curry-Mint Pancakes, Patti knew good advice when she heard it. Never say "peach" or "car" in Albania. Er... I mean, keep it simple.
That's why she needed a boom box.
The means of promotion was simplicity in itself. All she had to do was show everyone how awesome her troupe was! And to do that, she needed to put on a dance number. It was the simplest thing ever! So, signaling to Thing, the music picked up and she got ready to dance. As a certain song -cough*Thriller*cough- played, the Zombies and Patti moved to the beat.
Many of the children in Times Square that day simply laughed at the display. After all, laughter could easily rob the scariest things of their power. Besides, the song sounded funny. However, many of the older people, particularly those who lived through the era of leg warmers and poofy hair knew the dark, dark truth. It was a simple song about zombies eating people. Naturally, the fear of becoming a buffet for the walking dead overrode any admiration for choreography and chaos ensued. People screamed as they pushed and shoved each other out of the way, fearing for when the music stopped and for their lives. But, Patti didn't mind. Maybe they were all going to tell their friends about how awesome the troupe was and that they should all totally buy tickets. Hooray for Patti! All glory to the Patti! Wait, there's screaming too... Maybe they're screams of joy! Advertisement complete! Now for the rest of the city. And then, the world!
-Later!-
"Patti, I'm only going to ask this once. What in the name of symmetry...no. What in the name of sanity happened?" Kidd asked, looking over the scene at Times Square with equal parts disappointment and confusion. A rather stylish looking Patti, dressed in a tap-dancer's tuxedo and matching short shorts smiled at her Meister sheepishly.
"Well, it all started with this weird dream. At least, I think it was a dream about the guy from Fester's lab making me the main character of the fic. Then I went to the Addams library and found some awesome books and then I remembered my zombie dance troupe from a few chapters ago and, Bang!" Patti explained. "Here we are! Do I need to sing the song again?"
Kidd blinked, trying to wrap his head around everything that had transpired. He could still see Kitty Cat, in his proud, leonic glory wearing a pointy party hat just over Patti's shoulder. Not to mention the pudding smeared on the stories-high screens or the rocket-powered hot dog carts smoldering in the mid-ground."No, thank you. I think I understand most of it... What I mean is what happened here!"
"Oh. Well, it all started when this mime bumped into me off screen and..."
And so, Patti began to regale a perplexed, second-gen Shinigami with her tales about her day in the spotlight. Unaware, that there may or may not be many more like them. But it didn't matter to the Demon Gun; she had fun today. The most fun she'd had in a while. Now, only one question remained, one simple fundamental query to wrap everything up in a pretty little bow.
…
…
...
"Can we do that again?"
Ren: All right, it's always been my head-canon that Patti's very medium aware. Anyway, I think I got a good challenge for everybody. Write a fic where Patti or someone in the Soul Eater cast decides to break the fourth wall. I'll leave the details up to you!
