Chapter 9

He was coming up here though. But for what exactly?

The music had just started playing and I had just taken a step into the room when I heard the door open behind me. I turned around to look at him. My heart clenched lightly in my chest. "What do you want?" I asked through my teeth.

"You have to listen to me. You have to let me explain. What happened was–."

"Just shut up!" I shot back as the clenching got more aggressive. "I don't want to hear it! Leave!" I yelled as I pointed to the door behind him.

I was feeling the pain. It was coming. And it wasn't coming slowly it was coming fast and hard. It hurt to see him in front of me. It hurt to think of what he did. This is why I had felt like I was losing him. Because I had lost him. He lied. About everything. He didn't love me. He just stayed with me because of Carlie.

That's why he had been ignoring me for the past week and a half. He had gotten his way with me and had fun until Lauren showed up. Now he can have fun with her instead. I'm nothing to him. Nothing. I'm a stupid pathetic idiot that believed every freakin word that came out of his mouth.

None of this made sense though. Why would he have married me if he was just with me because of Carlie? The answer quickly popped into my head. So he wouldn't have to pay alimony. So that he didn't have to spend the money he was earning.

I clenched my jaw as the clenching increased in my chest. It was painful and all I wanted to do was start sobbing as hard as I could. He clenched his jaw as well and stared at me in determination, "I'm not leaving until you let me explain."

Does he want me to hurt more? Doesn't he see how much pain he's causing me right now? Why won't he let me be?! Why won't he just leave so this pain could go away? Why does he have to do this to me?

I was starting to get angry from both the pain and the fact that he intentionally wanted to see me in pain. I clenched my hands into fists in fury. The anger started in the pit of my stomach and rose to the surface. I took the three steps I needed to reach him and shoved against his chest.

"Leave! Get out!" I shoved but he wasn't moving. He was so put in his spot that it felt like his feet were nailed to the ground. He was pretty strong. I was shoving as hard as I could against him. He probably finds this funny. Maybe Lauren can actually push him aside and I can't even get him to budge a little bit.

"Leave!! Get!! Out!!" I shoved harder against him and he still wouldn't move an inch. I stopped shoving against him to look at his face. He seemed saddened. Why would he be so sad? I almost felt pity for him. Almost. I made sure to catch myself before I actually started feeling it.

My temper was rising. Why did he have such an affect on me? Because I love him I guess. And yet he cheated on me. Why would he do that to me? I clenched my hands into fists again. I was about to lose it. My temper and agony was spilling over the bottle I had kept them in.

The rage spilled out first. I looked at him and then the sadness spilled over. They combined together making me feel pissed and sad at the same time. I couldn't stop myself this time. The sides of my fists quickly started connecting to the top of his chest, "How could you do this to me?! You've already put me through enough!! Why?!! Why would you do this to me??!!" Each word came out with every hit from my fist.

The sides of my fists were completely numb as I continued pounding them against his chest. He didn't move, flinch…nothing. "I HATE YOU!!! I hate you Edward! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" By now my rants had started getting lower in volume and my sobs were starting to take over. I didn't even know I was crying.

The rage quickly faded away and the pain and sadness quickly took over. I was consumed by it. My knees started giving out. I slowly started sliding down against him as the sobs racketed my body. My heart clenched hard in my chest but it still felt heavy. My sobs were louder than I ever remember crying before. My body was shaking from them.

My knees folded beside me before my hands found the ground and I sobbed towards it. My head was hung low as the tears poured down faster than the biggest storm ever. My hair fell over my shoulders, some of it clinging to my tearful cheeks.

It was hard to breathe. It felt like my breath was caught in my throat. Maybe that's why my sobs were so loud and hard. I wish I had the numbness right now because I was right. The pain? It was completely unbearable. I felt like I would die crying. My heart felt like it was shattering and breaking and throbbing and clenching all at the same time.

It was too much. I didn't even cry this much when he left. But this is worse than leaving. He cheated. And if he's cheating it's for a reason. And the only reason I can come up with is because he doesn't love me anymore. Or because he realized he had never loved me in the first place.

I knew it was too good to be true. That he was too perfect for someone as stupid and ugly as me. You don't cheat on someone if you love them. That's just not the way it goes. I swear I could see a lake of tears on the floor underneath me already. But it wasn't stopping. And deep in my heart and soul I knew it never would. The tears may stop eventually but the pain and sorrow? Those would last forever. They'd never go away. Because when you love someone and you lose them suddenly–whether it was because of death or something like cheating–you never forget it.

Your soul doesn't let you forget it. And it will always remind you of that pain. Anywhere and everywhere you go. Anything or everything you do or see. It stays planted in your soul–embedded like it was sewed on–to make you never forget. No matter how much it hurts and how you want it to go away, it'll always be there.

Even if it's just in the background: its there. And once you're conscious of that you can't help but relive the pain and sorrow. It's inevitable. They say with time it will go away. But does it ever? Does it ever truly go away? No. It doesn't. It's always there at the back of your mind, your heart, and your soul.

And when you realize its there there's nothing you can do but cry. Cry because you remember. Cry because it hurts. Cry because deep down you're wishing you could go back and fix whatever you messed up. But once you realize you can't go back and you can't change the past; you cry more. Because reality hits you. And that only causes you more pain.

A pain so unbearable that you feel like your going to die from it. Pain is something possible to die from but is grief? Can you die because you were too sad? Because of what happened to you in the past or present?

And deep down you kind of wish you could die in that instant from the grief. Just so you won't feel it anymore.

Just so you can have a few hours forgetting completely about it. Just so you can actually move on. But it never happens. You're still there. Crying so hard that you can barely breathe. So hard that you can barely feel anything other than the pain and sorrow.

My sense of touch was reawakened when I felt his hand on my shoulder. I found my muscles again and shrugged it away, "Just leave…please," my voice broke from all the sobbing, all the clenching and unclenching in my heart.

I could still feel him behind me. Contemplating with himself if he should listen to me. And after another minute or two of my sobbing I finally heard the door shut behind me. My arms shook underneath me making me sit up straight and walk over to the bed.

I felt exhausted. My sobs had quieted down a bit but I couldn't stop the stream of tears running down my cheeks. I grabbed my remote from my nightstand and rose the volume of my IPod up before I realized I was in my clothes still. I walked over to my sleeping clothes drawer and took some out before I quickly changed into them. Sobbing and crying while I did everything.

I walked over to the bed and got under the covers. I rested on my side and stared at the door. The song 'Dancing with Tears in my Eyes' by Kesha was playing. Once my mind registered the words of the song I started crying harder. I wrapped the blanket more tightly around me and sobbed into my pillow.

I wish I wasn't here right now. I wish I hadn't seen him with her. I wish I was still oblivious about everything. Why did I have to go see him? I should have just talked to him about what I felt. But then why would he have cared? If I told him how I felt and asked him to come home earlier he wouldn't have done it. That would be taking away his 'secretary sex' time.

I literally felt like my soul was ripping apart. Like it was trying to rip away from me. I was internally broken. My heart…my soul…all of it was broken. Would I ever be able to recover from this? Would I ever be able to fix it?

I ached everywhere. Any small movement made me feel pain; because of the sorrow, because of my shattered heart. They didn't want to fight to stay alive. That's why it hurt. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to move. My soul wanted out. It didn't want to be here anymore.

But there's no way I can stay alive and lose my soul. So I guess I'm stuck with a torn soul and a shattered heart. And a pain that'll never go away. I can only think of one person that could stitch me back together. Make it seem like it never happened. Except he's the one that made me feel like this.

"You are my fragile piece of glass Bella; a piece of glass that I've broken and repaired too many times, a piece of glass that I should have never even broken in the first place because I didn't want that at all."

I had argued with him then saying I wasn't a fragile piece of glass but now that I think about it. He was right. And he just broke me once again. The thing is I don't think I'm repairable this time.

A/N: So what do you think? Please review!