Quinn stomps toward me, her cheeks flushing beet-red. I'm not sure what to think of it, because I haven't done anything today. Maybe she's still upset about the whole drugging-her-with-vicodin thing from yesterday. Blondie is clutching some papers in her hand like a freaking lifeline. She kind of looks crazy right now.
"S, what in the world…" she stops talking and just looks to her side and breathes out through her nose and it's making this weird whistling sound. I laugh because she's reminding me of a kettle. Her head snaps back at me and she narrows her eyes. "You don't get to laugh, Santana. Did you put Rachel up to this?"
Whoa, hold on one minute. "Be careful of what you say about my girl, Q. First of all, I have no idea what you're talking about. Second, you know I can't make her do shit."
She runs her hand through her blonde, pixie-cut hair. She laughs in this self-deprecating way as she shakes her head slightly. "Then why the hell would she even bring this up? God, I've never felt more awkward in my life. And I've had Finn sing to me about having his baby in front of my mother and father!"
"Okay, what are you going on about, blondie? I don't have time for your shit; I've got to finish the short story you assigned. And how the hell am I supposed to write about this world from a zombie's point of view?"
"It's called imagination, use it."
"My imagination is for the fucking bedroom, Q." She looks completely vulnerable for a second, and it's freaking me out. I've only seen her like this a handful of times. I hate feeling fucking guilty right now, because I've no idea what's going on. So, I ask, "What's this about?"
She won't even look at me.
"I just..she came to me and started talking about how I need to have all the good experiences of life. Then, she gave me this medical book about female anatomy. By the way, where in the world would she get that book? ..Then, she handed me these papers and told me I should really put it into practice before we head out for project Blue."
I tilt my head and scrunch my eyebrows. What is she… oh no. Oh god, no.
"Spit it the fuck out, Quinn."
"She said I should experience the physical pleasure..of-of an or-orgasm."
"Oh fuck. I thought she let that go." I hiss.
Now she decides to look at me.
"What?" She whispered accusingly.
I sigh. Well, this is awkward.
"She's mentioned it before."
"You've talked about my sex life?!"
"Oh get over yourself. Not like that." God. "Actually, kind of like that."
Quinn groans and just plants herself on the floor. "I don't even know ..do I want to know?"
"I didn't even want to know. Look." I sit beside her. "She was worried you had never had a fucking orgasm and wanted to… god. She wanted to give you one."
Her mouth flaps open a few times and her face is even redder than before.
"Uh..I..wha…she..me..?" I'd laugh at her lack of composure if we weren't talking about how my girl wanted to' help' her.
"Ugh. She just didn't want you to die without having an orgasm. She doesn't actually want you like that" I spit out. It's gross just thinking about it.
She gets this offended look and retorts, "What does that mean? I'm not desirable? I'm Quinn Fabray!"
This shit is not happening. God, can't I just get back to my damn short story?
"That means Rachel wants me and I'm fucking hers and she's mine. So, don't go getting ideas. I know you're in love with her. She doesn't know that, but I do. She wanted to pity fuck you before you go off and die or some shit."
I think I see her eyes get shiny and she's biting her lip now. "Fuck, Q. Are you going to cry? I can't handle that right now."
"I hate you."
I scoff. What? "What?"
"You always get what I want. After I got my Lexus you got your own because you knew I how happy I was with mine. Then you go and take the one thing.. the one person I've ever.."
Hell no, I stop her, "Stop that. She was never yours. And yeah, I fucking got a Lexus to piss you off. But do not ever accuse me of getting with Rachel just to fuck with you. I love her. She loves me, and I will do anything for that girl. So don't start with this shit, Fabray, because it's not a conversation you want to have. She may be attracted to you physically.. well, fuck, Q, it's no secret that you're beautiful. Everyone's thought about it; fuck, even I've thought about banging you. So, don't think you have a chance when all Rachel wanted to do was give you something so basic. She cares for you, and she doesn't exactly have the greatest tact about things." I think Rachel's rubbed off on me because I've never ranted that long before.
"You love her?"
"With my whole fucking being."
She raises her eyebrow. "You do have a heart, Satan."
"Whatever."
She fidgets with her fingers and says so softly, "You're the luckiest bitch alive, Santana."
"I know. All this sappy lovefest is making me ill." Seriously, having emotional talk with anyone else but my hobbit is nauseating. "So, what did the midget give you?" I reach for the papers.
There are a few leaflets of papers with my girl's impeccable handwriting.
How to Pleasure Yourself
Erogenous Zones, A Pictorial Guide
The Clitoris
Helpful Scenarios To Enhance Pleasure While Masturbating
And a small letter:
Quinn,
I hope I am not intruding on your personal bubble. Santana says this is something I need to work on. I have every intention on focusing on my personal tact and conversational etiquette. I fear we don't a sufficient amount of time for me to complete whatever seminar Santana is preparing. I assume she's preparing one; I sincerely hope she isn't going to 'wing it' like she did with her bedroom activity requests. I find that it was quite unnecessary as I had already notified her of the same wishes on my end. I am starting to believe she didn't read through my 'Berry Bedroom Fantasies, annotated by Brittany' packet. She could have cross-referenced her wish list with mine! At any rate, I feel you should read through my carefully written and drawn informational kit. It's what I feel would help you relax, Quinn. I know that whenever I get stressed out and whenever Santana isn't there, the situation is best curbed when I engage in self-exploratory release. It is nowhere near the release I get when Santana is doing it, but I feel that orgasms are one of the healthiest ways to assuage any pain – physical or not. I hope these, help. You can notate your experiences if you'd like a helpful critique!
Sincerely,
Rachel Barbara Berry*
I can't even be mad right now, because all of that is just so Rachel Berry, and it's fucking adorable. I laugh. She did get me a packet about her fantasies but it was like fifty pages long. Yeah, didn't read it.
"What?"
"Nothing ,it's just..so Rachel." She smiles a little. "So, Q. Have you ever had an Orgasm?"
"Uhm. I-I think so."
"Yeah, that's a no." I sigh. "Wait a minute. Did she say annotated by Brittany?"
I'm going crazy. My brain is in a manic state of rewinding and playing in slow motion everything that could go wrong right now. I've already thrown up about seven times since I've woken up and discovered that AlphaSlushie left for the run. The run; The run that would allow Rachel and Quinn to play doctor on a disgusting, rotting corpse. A corpse that could very much turn them into.. that. I can't fucking handle it. I had every intention of stopping them or hiding in the duffle bags. I even slashed their tires last night. I don't even know how they've managed to continue this.
It's been three hours.
["It's just..She's insane. I swear she's gone completely off her rocker. I love her, but I need you to help me."] I'm desperate. I feel like I've lost control. I look into pretty green eyes and I swear she understands me.
["And, Q... Sometimes I get this serial killer vibe from her. Sometimes I think she's like a lion or something. The way she used to eat bacon with some sort of bliss covering her face. I felt like I was intruding on an intimate moment. Shit was awkward. Oh shit."] Damn, I did it get again. ["Sorry, I meant to say shizz. Shizz was awkward."]
I get a letter block thrown at me. Ouch. ["Okay, maybe I shouldn't have said your mommy has serial killer vibes."]
God, I'm talking to a baby. I can't help it if she's the best listener. Oh, she just did a fist pump!
["You and me, Beth? I think we're the most sane ones here."] Beth coos at me. This kid loves me. I lean down and kiss her fat cheeks. She still has a nice baby smell when she doesn't have to be changed.
"Gah!"
["I know, right? How dare they leave without me?"]
"Momomomomom"
["Remember our plan, okay, Bethy? Throw up on Quinn when you hear them getting ready in the mornings. That'll slow them down."]
"Santana?"
I look up from my sitting position on the couch and see Shelby with a bowl of some baby food.
"Hey. Any word?"
She walks toward me hesitantly. "No, nothing yet. Were you just having a conversation with my daughter in Spanish?"
I was speaking Spanish? I haven't done that in forever. I only resort to that unknowingly when I'm stressed. Or coming. I wish it were the latter because that'd mean my hobbit was here.
I just shrug and hand Beth to Shelby when she puts the bowl down.
"See ya later, Bethy."
I see them! I see them in a vehicle I haven't seen before. For a second I think it's a group of raiders or something, but I see Puck's head sticking out, and it looks like he's heaving.
Mike stops the car about twenty yards from the porch and Puck just throws the door open, carrying a garbage bag. He's holding it out as far away from his body as he can, still gagging.
I just run passed him. "Rachel?"
Where is she?
"Quinn, where's Rachel?"
"She's fine, S. She's a little queasy at the moment. She's been dry heaving the whole way back. So, she's laying down."
I open the back door of the truck. She's laying down with her head facing downward.
"Oh god, Santana. It was horrible. That was probably the most vile thing I've ever had the displeasure of doing. It smells so bad."
I hop in the car and motion her for her rest her head on my lap. "I'm just glad you're okay."
"I fear I am traumatized. I need to go through some sort of sterilization process before I kiss you."
"Did you get something on your mouth, Rach?" Oh god.
She shakes her head and I run my fingers through her hair.
"I just feel so dirty," she whispers as she sits up. "Quinn and I used a small hand axe to chop off a piece of leg and then we opened up the head for the brain. It was all goo, Santana! When we killed it, it was too easy. We got an old one that had been wearing thin. Mike just tripped it with his bat and his whole leg muscle melted off."
Ew. I gag.
"Puck wanted to just peel off the tissue we needed, but I need to study the bone. So we chopped."
Please, stop.
"..and its jaw just…plopped down when it landed on the ground." She is lamenting. "He was the 'freshest' one we could find. I think they're all dying. We aren't as populated as other areas. A few were just on the ground, opening their mouths and closing them continuously.
"I'm sure they'll be more fresh ones soon, baby. I'm sure we're going to get new bodies when they come from the bigger cities and stuff." Jesus Christ, I'm soothing her by telling her there will be more of them. "Next time, you have to promise me I go with you."
She nods.
Something is off. She won't look at me.
"Rach? What aren't you telling me?"
Then I hear it. A whine of some sort and some scratching.
"You're going to be mad. But I have a speech prepared-"
A tiny bark interrupts.
"Is that a puppy I hear?"
"Yes, and I feel it'll be very beneficial. His name is Winchester. I found him alone in the grocery mart this morning before getting the good. San, he was so scared! I couldn't leave him!"
The hobbit pouts and goddamnit. I know I lost. I sigh and pull her into me. "Only if you kiss me."
Finally. I capture her lips and she deepens it with desperation.
Winchester barks and we pull apart at his whining. God, he is a cockblock already.
