Sorry it took me so long! I've just had a real hectic few months with me going to live on my own and school and all that stuff! it been real hectic.
here a new chapter enjoy!
July 23rd 1935 – London, Great Britain
We would have been happy. We should have been. But the last two years of my life had been miserable. The very absence of a grandchild at grandmother's funeral alone was public humiliation. The pitying looks I got, from even Haley, meant everybody, absolutely everybody, knew what a sham of a marriage this was.
But it was true. Nathaniel hadn't touched me. After the wedding we'd gone home. I had been very excited about what was to come, but when we dressed for bed he turned off the lights, lay down, turned around and fell asleep.
It had gone like that for the last two years... tears welled up in my eyes as I threw a rose on grandmother's grave. Not really because I'd miss her. She had hardly ever cared for us. She was mean. When she'd asked for grandchildren, she'd only cared about the family reputation. I had told her about the problem. That Nathaniel wouldn't touch me. She didn't care. She said there were ways.. I returned to Nathaniel's side. Like I always did. He took my hand and we walked away.
At the reception, I stood in the corner of the room watching people. That´s what I did.
It seemed much like a party rather than a funeral. I couldn't really say I'd miss grandmother, but still these people showed very little grieve for someone they knew. Mom and Dad had me chat to all these young chap's. Hardly any of them were interested. That was good. Some days I wondered if my heart had healed any since Nathaniel married Quinn.
They looked uphappy. Quinn looked miserable and Nathaniel indifferent.
"Haley" Like every other party Nathaniel was standing right behind me. Whispering for my attention.
"Not again Nathaniel." I pleaded. "One dance Haley please." I sighed and turned around. "It is hardly a place for dancing don't you think?"
"Haley.." He pleaded, sounding more vulnerable and desperate than I'd ever heard him before. His hand ran over my shoulder, one finger along my arm. Chills ran down my back.
Whenever he did this I wonder if people noticed, if they knew..
Nathaniel pulled at my wrist, away from the people and away from the crowd. "Haley, I haven't seen you in a while.." the space he'd pulled me into was not very big and a solid excuse for Nathaniel to stand very, very close. "I've missed you." He whispered.
I hated these moments.. I was powerless against my own feelings for Nathaniel. As much as I didn't want these feelings, my eyes were drawn to him whenever he was around. I was always aware of his presence and always looking out for him. So much that even after all this time, my mind was still solemnly occupied by him. It felt treacherous. To Quinn and to myself. How could I go on living if I held on to him like this. Was there still a part of me that just hoped things could be fixed after all. It wasn't likely they could. I created this situation myself. I didn't want this so why wasn't I able to convince the rest of me of that.
But as always whenever he was close the chills ran down my back and my heart beat just a little faster. Love him.
Nathaniel didn't speak.. He knew that words were know use. I am head strong. Determined.
Instead he dipped his head and brought his lips to my neck. His warm breath spreading over the sensitive skin of my neck, creating goose bumps all over my body, all the way down to my toes.
His lips touched my skin, soft and warm.. his tongue followed, turning circles over my skin. I released a sigh an griped his arm to steady myself.
A warm wave of emotion ran swiftly through my body. I couldn't move. I didn't really want to. I was telling myself that he was forcing himself on me, that I had no choice. But frankly, I wasn't trying to fend him of at all. I was enjoying it.
I gasped at the incredible sensation I felt and Nathaniel pulled away, grinning having made this point perfectly clear. Fighting him, the feelings, everything; It was exhausting.
It took everything not to give in completely. But the look on Quinn's face across the room we just left, gave me all the energy I needed to stay strong. Quinn would die if I gave in, all she'd worked for her entire charade would have to fall and she'd suffer most.
I struggled to find the words to push Nathaniel away. "Nate.." the whisper broke the silence.
"Not again. We cannot... Keep doing.. this." I breathed shakily.
"I know, But you don't seem to realise that for this to stop, there is only one way out." He looked at me pointedly.
'Can't do it.. Nate. I'll fight it as long as I have to.'
"I can end it myself you know. Divorce Quinn. Tell everyone who wants to know that I love you."
I turned around and walked away from him. "You wouldn't do that to Quinn. To me , maybe, but not to Quinn. She suffered enough the last two years."
"Don't make Quinn out to be the victim, she knew perfectly well what she was getting into! She knows I love you and that you love me. But she was to self-centred to care what I wanted. She didn't care.. and neither did you! It was all about you and Quinn and you're perfect worlds. I was just a pawn in your games, your charade's. I really thought you weren't like that, that's what I love about you so much.. but you play the game now like everyone else."
I nodded. "True. Does that mean you finally see I'm not the girl you want?" breathing was difficult after that one question. As it hung in the air there between us. Neither answer was preferable. The idea that he may actually me be over me, hurt possibly even more than the idea to live in the shadow of their dysfunctional marriage forever.
"I don't know. I wish it were that easy. I wish letting go of someone, who doesn't want you were that easy. But it's not."
I only now saw Nathaniel was crying. For the first time ever I saw a man cry.
"but if you want me to go on, then I will. I'll try to forget you. I'll give Quinn that baby she wants so badly, I'll try to make this marriage work and hopefully you won't have to see me again. If that's what you want."
I swallowed hard, pushing away the tears, the shaking in my legs, the nauseated feeling in my stomach. "It-t's w-what I w-w-ant."
"Fine"
Nathaniel barged out of the room, away from the party, away from me. I'd finally done it. It's pushed him away so far he'd never come back. Apparently there's only so much rejection a man's ego can handle.
But Quinn didn't get pregnant. Not then and not in the year that followed. Although she looked happier, more satisfied with her life, there was still no baby.
In fragments of conversations I heard that thing were better between her and Nathaniel. He'd had eventually bedded her. She's tearfully happy described the moment to Mother.
I cried too.
The change in their marriage was noticed by not just me, but by outsiders as well. Now the rumour went around that Quinn couldn't have children and that was the reason that after three years of marriage she was still childless. This was something Quinn had considered herself after a year of trying. But this was something even I couldn't help.
