Fate/first order derivative
Part I.9

⇒ continue: iteration 16, day 5, early morning

Am... am I out? Oh, shit. What if I'm out?! What if there's no reset this time? Was - was getting Rin killed my win condition? What the hell kind of fucked-up shit is that?!

Holy shit. I can't breathe. I think I'm going to throw up. Getting chills all over. I'm -

⇒ don't freak out

How am I supposed to NOT FREAK OUT?! Rin's fucking dead! Saber and Archer, too, probably! And Shirou's right, it's all my fault - I didn't mean to but - and it could be for keeps this time! How is that not something worth freaking out over?!

⇒ get some rest

... all right. I feel really tired anyway, now that you mention it.

I go upstairs and hole up inside a dusty guest bedroom. I guess I sleep some. I can't really tell. At one point I wake up and I check my cell phone for the time. Display reads 6:12 am. I stay there, huddled beneath the stale, itchy covers, and watch my phone as the seconds tick by and the battery level winds down.

6:35 am. I feel hungry.

6:41 am. Parents call me. I don't pick up.

7:12 am. They call me again, this time from their cell phones. Same.

7:35 am. I should probably go check up on Shirou or something.

8:01 am. I should probably go do a lot of things. I don't.

⇒ do you get it now though

Get what?

⇒ how you can lose here

What do you mean? Like... now? Like, I could exit the loop without knowing it, and wind up in some godawful mess of a future I've made for myself?

⇒ it's a possibility
⇒ but more than that

Just tell me, all right? I'm really not in the mood for the whole Socratic guessing game thing.

⇒ even if the loop continues
⇒ you can still get hurt

Well, duh. How many times have I died now?

⇒ not physical pain
⇒ you can see things that hurt you

... yeah.

⇒ or worse yet
⇒ you could just stop caring altogether

Wait... wouldn't that be a good thing for us, though? Then we wouldn't have to feel this way.

⇒ is that who you want to be

I don't... look, this is stupid. We don't even know if I'm even in the loop anymore. So why even talk about this if -


⇒ restart: iteration 17, day 1, early night

Oh.

Oh thank God. I never thought I'd be this happy to be back here again. Holy shit.

⇒ take a moment
⇒ catch your breath

Okay, okay. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathing. Centering myself. Fuck.

... so what does this mean? I'm still in the loop, but the reset point has moved forward in time? By about ten hours or so, I think. What caused it? Was it Rin's death? Is this like a blood magic thing?

⇒ think carefully
⇒ are you sure this is the first loop that's been like this

Huh... I guess there's no way for me to be sure of that, come to think of it. Both of the loops prior to the last one got cut short by me dying. The reset before last, I got myself killed by that magic seal thing. And before that, I was...

... wait.

Lancer.


⇒ skip forward

Shirou answers the door, same as usual. "Uh, yeah?"

I know exactly what I need to say. But for some reason the words stick in my throat this time. Fuck, I'm tired.

"Wait... I know you, right?" Shirou tilts his head. "Tomo... nagi, wasn't it? Uh... can I help you with something?"

Oh, whatever. I sigh and rub my eyes. "Archer, don't fuck with me tonight, okay? Please? I'm kind of having a rough time."

Emiya blinks. "Uh..."

"So Rin and Saber are in there, right?" I motion towards the kitchen behind him. "Could I see them? It's important."

He stares at me. "How do you..."

"I'll explain in a second. Promise." I push him in front of me as I head through the door and towards the kitchen. "Just... let me tell you, man. I have seen some shit."


⇒ skip forward

"And you think Lancer is the key?" Saber tilts her head. "Are you certain?"

"No." I scratch my head. "But it's the closest thing to a pattern I can see right now. Maybe his spear... like... generates this Z-energy stuff my uncle talked about. And that's what's doing this to me."

"So in that case, the loop extended because he stabbed you." Rin taps her finger against the table. Alive and in one piece, as expected. Thank God, again. "Which gave you more energy."

"I guess?" Wait - so would that mean I'd have to get stabbed by Lancer again to confirm this? Really not liking the sound of that idea. "It's just my working hypothesis. Anyway, is there anything else you can tell me about Lancer?"

"Nothing that you don't already seem to know, I'm afraid." Saber shrugs. "He gave little indication about who his Master is, nor what their objectives are. Apart from winning the War, of course."

"I dunno," Shirou says. "Whoever he is, he seems to be really into mage law."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it's just... Lancer attacked me twice tonight." Shirou scratches the big bloody gash through his jacket. "The first time was at school earlier. He said it was to keep things secret, the way mage law says. Still not really sure how I survived that, to be honest..." Rin sips her tea carefully. "Then he followed me home and tried again, even though I showed him I was a mage. He said something about it being out of professional pride, but I'm not sure I buy that..."

"Maybe he could tell you were a Master by then?" Rin asks.

Emiya shakes his head. "I didn't summon Saber until after he attacked me. Well, kind of while he was attacking me, I mean."

"Huh. Weird," I say. "Guess they're all about secrecy, then." In fact, I wonder if that was the reason why Lancer killed me before. It would make sense.

"So his Master's a mage." Rin raises an eyebrow. "Brilliant deduction, noobs."

"I guess..." Except it'd really felt like Lancer had specifically sought me out. Knew my name and everything. Almost like...

⇒ like it was his master's job to keep the war secret

"... hey, Rin?" I ask. "About this Kotomine guy... there's rules against him being a Master himself, right?"

She snorts. "Well, doy. Wouldn't be much of a referee if he was also a player, would he?"

"Let's say, just for the sake of argument, that he was a Master somehow. Is there any way you'd be able to tell?"

"Why?" Rin snaps. "It's completely impossible. The Grail's been hardwired to consider the Church a neutral third party ever since the Second War. And even if that wasn't the case, Kotomine probably wouldn't be eligible anyway, since he already was a master back... in... the last war..."

Her voice drops off as the contradiction dawns on her. I look back and forth between her and Shirou. "So... yeah."


⇒ skip to: iteration 17, day 2, morning

Rin says she has some stuff she wants to check out. Given our little talk about Kotomine, she decides to skip the trip to church. It's not like I can't tell Shirou everything he would've learned from Kotomine anyway. (This time, though, I wait until after Rin's safely out of earshot.)

After that, it's back to the meditation stuff for me. Shirou also has some stuff to work on in that regard. When I'd described that trance state I found him in during the last loop, Rin said that it sounded like a long-range hypnotic charm of some sort. ("It's something that rookie mages are particularly vulnerable to," she'd said with a smirk. "Magic can have a strong influence over the weak-minded."

"Star Wars: A New Hope," I replied. "Nice."

"Star what? Anyway, there's some stuff you can do to prepare yourself against it. I'll tell you about it, but only because it'd be embarrassing seeing someone fall for a cheap parlor trick like that.")

So we're in the dojo this time. (Yeah, Emiya has his own freaking dojo.) Personally speaking, though, not really having an easy time concentrating today.

⇒ ask shirou what his deal is

"Hey, Emiya?" I ask.

"Yeah?" On the other side of the room, he opens one eye.

"So last time, you said this one thing I've been wondering about." I'd been... vague when telling him and Rin on what'd happened after Beserker ambushed us. Didn't seem necessary for them to know exactly how bad things went. "Something about... uh... not being unattached to life? Sounded like you were referencing something."

He thinks for a second. "Oh. Was it: 'if a warrior is not unattached to life and death, he will be of no use whatsoever'?" He rattles off the line like it's second nature to him.

"Think so, yeah. What's it from?"

"This old book my dad left me. The Hagakure."

Hagakure... I know I've heard of that somewhere before. In school, in a humanities or history class or something. It's...

... oh. Right.

Something finally clicks for me. It's not just about Batman for Shirou. It's about bushido.

⇒ explain

The old samurai code. The Hagakure is a book about it. It's kind of hard to describe if you're not Japanese. It's about putting your ideals before your own life. Absolute loyalty and sacrifice. Death before dishonor. Stuff like that. It comes up a lot in period dramas.

⇒ is it a big deal

Kind of? For me, at least, it's more like... cultural background noise, I guess? I know what it is, and I know that it's a thing. But I've personally never really thought about it all that much. It used to be a huge deal back during the Second World War, of course. To the point that it's almost been a problem. Like, this one thing I read - some creator commentary on an anime, I think - said that bushido before the war represented everything a Japanese man was supposed to be. When we lost, though, it kind of shattered that whole belief system. Ever since then, this guy said, we haven't really known what to do with ourselves. On a cultural level or whatever. (After that, it mostly just turned into a rant about kids these days and the decline in societal values and what the hell is up with these new game shows, but in any case.)

⇒ so what does this have to do with shirou

A lot of the way he reacts to stuff makes a lot more sense when you factor bushido into this hero of justice thing he's trying to become. (I guess I focused too much on the whole Batman thing. Sure, Batman has samurai-like aspects, but he's more than willing to fight dirty if it helps save people, you know? Straight-up bushido doesn't really let you to do stuff like that, I think.)

Like... of course Shirou would hate relying on Saber to fight for him. A real warrior should be strong enough to fight his own battles and value his comrades' lives above his own. (I guess throwing himself into the fight with Saber is kind of his way of trying to find a middle ground? Even if he's more likely to get in her way more than anything.) Of course he'd think running from Beserker was a mistake, because a samurai never flees from an enemy, no matter how terrible the odds are.

⇒ but doesn't that make victory less likely

Yeah, but that's not supposed to matter. It's hard to put into words. It's like... it's the ideal that matters above all else. Victory or defeat is comparatively unimportant by comparison, so long as you act correctly.

⇒ that doesn't seem very realistic

Yeah, but that's part of it too. Reality is something you're supposed to overcome, I guess, through pure willpower and awesomeness. It's like... if you don't win, oh well, you clearly just didn't bushido hard enough, them's the breaks. But at least you acted the way you were supposed to. Like a real man.

(Guess it makes sense Shirou would glom onto that stuff, actually... he had to grow up at least part of the way without his dad, right? So he'd need something else to tell him the way he's supposed to act. Some way to fill in the blanks.)

⇒ so are you going to talk to him about it

I dunno. Should I? I mean, is any of this even any of my business? And who am I to criticize, anyway? - Also, I've kind of been sitting here just thinking for a while. Shirou's shut his eyes again.

I need to think about it some more. Find the right way to bring it up. Something better than just saying, "oh, hey, last loop it kinda looked like you were trying to get yourself killed, what's up with that." Reading up a little on bushido probably wouldn't hurt either...


⇒ skip to: iteration 17, day 4, late morning

"So I got in touch with some people," Rin says. She's pulled me and Shirou out onto the roof during lunch. "Called in a few favors."

Shirou raises an eyebrow. "You have favors to call in?"

"My family does." She pushes her hair back. "One or two old debts in Rome that I really, really didn't want to have to use for this... not to mention, a bunch of money I really didn't want to have to spend..." She shakes her head. "But anyway. Kotomine can't be a Master. There's no way."

I narrow my eyes. "How can you be sure?"

"Because someone in the Church leaked me some details on the six registered Masters. Two - including me - are Japanese mages. Three are from Europe. One's from China. All of them are known members of the Mage's Association with no official ties to the Church. Add in Mr. Unregistered here -" She points her thumb at Shirou. "- and that's a full seven. Not a priest to be found."

"Even if that's true, you still seem pretty worried about this," Shirou says. I nod in agreement. That's a good point. Him and me, we're getting pretty good at double-teaming Rin like this - and oh wow is that something I should never ever say out loud, especially phrased like that.

⇒ yeah could we not

"Well, doy!" Rin throws up her hands. "Because if Kirei was a Master, we'd be completely fucked! Trust me. He trained me, so I know what I'm talking about. The Church made him an Executor when he was ten years old. Those are the people they send after vampires and demons and stuff!"

I blink. "Wait. Vampires are a thing?"

"On top of that, he has access to the leftover Command Seals," Rin continues. Wokay, guess we're just moving right along here. "As overseers of the Grail War, the Church supervisor takes possession of any unused seals and passes them down to their successors. During future wars, they can hand them out as rewards if they need the Masters to cooperate with them on something. But if the supervisor is a Master, he'd be able to use them all for himself! It'd completely break the whole system!"

I nod. "I can see why that might need to be nerfed some, yeah."

Shirou hesitates. "But even if all that's correct... we still can't be completely sure he's not secretly a Master, can we? What if he found some way past the system? Like, say he managed to name himself as an eighth Master or something."

"Impossible. The Grail doesn't work that way." I get the feeling Rin is trying to convince herself of that just as much as she is us.

"Well..." I glance down at my hand. "I guess there's one other thing we could try..."


⇒ skip forward

The priest looks up as I walk into the church that night. "Yes? Can I help you?"

"Hi." I run my hand through my hair. "Yeah. I'd like to sign up for this whole Christianity thing, please."

(This particular angle had naturally been Rin's idea. "He's a priest!" she'd insisted. "Saving heathens is their whole thing. It'll be like dangling raw steak in front of a wolf." Not a metaphor I felt entirely comfortable with at the time... but it's not like I had any better ideas.)

"I see." Kotomine raises an eyebrow. "That is indeed wonderful news. If I could have your name, Mister... ?"

"Matou," I say. "Um. Spike Matou."

(What? I've already died once giving this guy my name. Besides, even if I am nearly about to loop again, I don't want to end up on any mailing lists.)

⇒ yeah next time maybe try using a name that doesn't belong to a prominent area family

"Spike Matou," Kotomine says dryly. "I take it, then, that you accept the existence of God the Heavenly Father, creator of the earth and all of the heavens?"

"Sure."

"And in His Son, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ; who suffered under Pontius Pilate, died on the cross, and rose again after three days?"

"Okay."

I really don't know if Rin has the right read on this guy. He mostly just sounds kind of bored, like he's rattling off economic statistics. "I take it you're also familiar with the doctrine of the Roman Catholic Church. For example, that of the Holy Trinity, wherein the one God is expressed in the persons of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, existing together in a state of consubstantialis."

"I... guess?" I'm starting to get the idea I could have done with a bit of research before I came in here. Not that I haven't had more than enough on my plate in that regard over the last day or two.

Kotomine tilts his head. "You accept, then, the exclusive right of the Church to absolve you of your mortal and venial sins through the Sacrament of Penance? You agree to enter into the communion of saints, as it exists throughout earth, in heaven, and within purgatory? Do you trust in the sacred mystery of transubstantiation, through which the offerings of bread and wine are converted into the literal flesh and blood of Jesus Christ?"

I finally read the mood. "You're making some of that up, aren't you."

"Try to guess which one."

"Yeah, all right," I grumble. "Fine. I surrender. You win."

"Might I suggest... Spike... that if you have a genuine interest in our faith, you might perhaps consider joining us for Mass before you schedule a baptism. Our calendar of events is posted over by the exit." Kotomine brushes off one of his sleeves. "Now, if you'll excuse me... I have other duties to attend to."

"I'll think about it." Okay, moment of truth. "Um. Good talk, though? I guess?..."

I offer him my hand.

I hold my breath. He eyes my hand for a second. Then... reluctantly... reaches out and takes it.

ZZRRRP


⇒ download complete

"- the hell?" Lancer staggers to his knees. "I never agreed to -"

"You didn't have to." I cut him off. "The contract has been transferred to me in full. Don't concern yourself with the how."

His face hardens. "Where is she? What did you do to her?"

"She sends her regards." I give him a jaunty little wave - with his former Master's severed hand. "I wouldn't blame yourself, Lancer. Your countrymen have something of a soft spot for men of the cloth these days. If it helps, she didn't suffer for long." That's a lie, of course. Pity Gilgamesh had to get involved. I was really starting to enjoy myself there...

"You..." He seems to be visibly shaking with rage. Perhaps he's on the verge of one of his famed ríastrads. He keeps his voice low and dangerous, though, to make sure that I know he means every word. "I swear on the hand of my father Lugh and on the name of my mother, I am going to tear the black heart straight from your chest..."

"You will not," I say, invoking another Command Seal. "In fact, as long as our contract is in effect, you won't lay so much as a finger on me. And while we're at it, you will not fail to kill anyone I order you to execute - provided, of course, your Noble Phantasm is effective against them. I am willing to be reasonable, you know." Yet another Seal burns away. I'll have to try and cap it at that. Four is more than enough for one day. Modestia vestra nota sit omnibus, after all.

He glowers at me silently, his eyes burning with hatred.

"Oh, don't give me that look. You of all people should be used to working under a gaes. Besides, think of it this way - you finally have a wish for the Grail now, don't you?" I toss the severed hand down in front of him. He shifts his eyes. "Play along and we stand a reasonable chance of winning the war. Don't and - well. I can do this all day if I have to." I show him the dozens of remaining Command Seals on my arm. Carrot, meet stick.

Lancer narrows his eyes. "Why are you doing this? What do you want from the Grail?"

No reason not to tell him, I suppose. "The answer to a particular question," I say. "Nothing more."

"That's it?"

"That's all I need." Well, that's not entirely true. But that's the lovely part about all of this. Even if I'm not able to make my wish, I still get most of what I want...


ZZRRRP

And then the next thing I know, Kotomine's holding a long thin blade up against my throat. "Interesting trick," he says, a gleam in his eye. "I was wondering what you were playing at. You do realize, however, that even minor divinations can be detected with the right preparations."

Shit. "Um..."

"Now. Who sent you?" He takes ahold of my shoulder with his free hand and twists. My arm explodes in pain. Fuck. Ow. "If it helps you feel more at home, I can always start trimming. Taking a little off the top, as it were..."

"- him!" I squeal. "It's him! I saw it. It's definitely him."

"Him? What do you mean by -"

That's when he glances down and notices the microphone attached to the inside of my shirt collar.

⇒ dare i ask how you managed to get a wire on short notice

More random eBay purchases. Specifically, this cheap spy gadget toy for kids I got last year. I wanted to see if I could mod it.

⇒ and that actually worked

Eh, kinda? I did manage to extend the range by a dozen meters or so. But the microphone sucks and it's hardwired in, so it can't be replaced. And it transmits on the same frequency as this college station a couple of towns over, so the sound quality really varies depending on where you are.

Kotomine narrows his eyes in irritation. "Really?"

I shrug and give him a sheepish look. "You know how it is. No one expects the Spanish -"

Saber kicks the doors to the church open.

"- inquisition," I finish lamely. Dammit. Could've timed that better.

Kotomine sighs and shoves me away. It looks like a fairly slight motion on his part, but it's enough to send me sprawling into the first row of pews. (Painfully, I should mention. Again, ow.) The priest turns to face Saber, blade in hand, as the Masters rush in behind her.

"Rin. I really should have known." Kotomine cracks his neck. "I will admit, the new minions threw me off guard. And Saber! Now, this truly is unexpected. Still wearing that ridiculous dress, I see."

"And I see you're still a disgrace to the frock you wear," Saber says coldly. Wait, so they know each other?

"You obviously haven't been keeping up with the headlines." Three more blades materialize in Kotomine's hand. He holds each one in between his fingers, like makeshift Wolverine claws. "I expect the Church would be glad for a few more functional sociopaths in the ranks these days."

"Oh, I doubt anyone's going to miss you." Saber points the tip of her sword at him. "Once I've cleansed your filth from -"

"Chill, Joan of Arc." Rin steps past her. "I don't get it, Kirei."

("Why does everyone say that?" Saber mutters in the background. "I just don't see the resemblance...")

"This scheme's enough to have both the Church and the Mage's Association clambering for your head on a stick. What could possibly be worth getting into that kind of trouble?"

"I have my reasons." Kotomine smirks. "And as for the rest - believe it or not, Rin, there's quite a number of things in this world that I know and you do not."

"Oh, yeah?!" she snaps. "And is one of those things how to spend my inheritance, you lying -"

Shirou coughs. "Not that this isn't nice and all, but if this guy's Lancer's Master, where is he?"

"Who knows." Another four blades appear in the priest's other hand. "Am I my Servant's Keeper, Mister... sorry, who are you supposed to be again?"

Suddenly, Kotomine goes reeling back with a gasp. Exactly as if he's just been sucker-punched.

"Not gonna lie." Archer decloaks next to Kotomine, smugly rubbing his knuckles. "I have to rate that as one of the more satisfying acts of violence I've experienced. Easily in my personal top ten."

"Mmm-hmm." Rin gives him a knowing look. "Get a lot of joy out of beating up priests, Not Actually Satan?"

"Bite me, Rin."

Kotomine spits out some blood and rises back up, a razor-thin smile on his face. "Cheap shot." He rubs his jaw. "Kind of like this one, in fact."

Both Saber and Archer raise their eyes. Too late, though - Lancer appears over Archer's head, hurdling through the air. He slashes his spear down at the other Servant's shoulder. Archer grunts and leaps back, clutching a nasty-looking wound on one arm.

"So." Lancer lands next to the priest and twirls his spear around before clasping it at the ready. "Does a situation like this mean I finally get to stop holding back... Master?"

"By all means, Lancer." Kotomine stands up straight and goes into a fighting stance.

I take this opportunity to creep down to the other end of the pew, then sneak my way along the wall towards the back of the church. Seems like the thing to do.

At least, right up until the wall next to me explodes inward.

Once again, I'm hurled down onto the floor. A cut on my forehead starts to bleed down into my eyes. I look up, blinking and coughing, through the new hole in the wall. Oh, for fuck's sake. Again?

"A surprise church social? And you didn't invite me?" Behind Beserker, the von Einzbern brat affects a wounded look. "And here I thought for sure I'd signed up for the newsletter."


AUTHOR'S NOTES

So about the extended philosophical digression in this chapter: I recently realized that a lot of Shirou's more, err, questionable decisions in the game and anime really only make sense if his heroic ideal specifically incorporates bushido. (In fact, I'm fairly certain the visual novel explicitly describes itself as a bushido simulator at one point, doesn't it?) That was enough to make me take pause. I tend to think that any time you write about a culture you're not part of, you owe it to both the reader and yourself to be as careful as possible. It's way too easy to castigate what's different and alien to you without really understanding it. So I had to sit down and rethink my approach to Shirou. (Not I expect that it matters much to all ten or twenty of you actually reading this story... but I still feel compelled to put in a good-faith effort when and where I can.)

Tom's thoughts here are based on both (a) my own reading of the philosophy of bushido and (b) my best guess as to what a fairly Westernized Japanese teenager circa 2007 would have to say on the subject. For all I know, I could be completely off-base on both, so take it with a grain of salt. As always, I would appreciate anyone who knows more about the subject correcting any inaccuracies of mine in the comments.

In a similar vein, I regret that I am unable to be quite as sensitive to Catholicism, as I am limited by Kotomine's canon character and motivations. (As well as by Rin being, well, Rin.) But I'm going to at least try to be accurate with regards to the Church's theology and practices... even if there's no real getting around the fact that they totally have a militarized vampire- and demon-hunting division in this universe.

The Chinese Master Rin mentions here is intended to be a reference to the person destined or chosen to be Assassin's Master, who supposedly Caster hunted down and killed before the start of the story.

Yes, all of the theological points Kotomine brings up are real. He's just trolling Tom at that point.

Technically, the TYPE MOON wiki says that a contract between a Master and Servant can't be formed without the Servant's express consent. But given what we see of Lancer, I have a hard time seeing him willingly agree to work with Kotomine after the latter backstabs his previous Master. So that's why I just have Kotomine swipe the contract along with the Command Seals here and subsequently use a bunch of them to get Lancer to fall in line.

The bit of Latin Kotomine quotes here is from the Catholic Nova Vulgata version of Philippians 4:5 - "let your moderation be known unto all men."

Is Saber Catholic? I'm genuinely not sure. Given the time period she's supposed to be from, she could also be an Arian or Semi-Arian Christian instead. Either way, I imagine the health of the mystici corporis Christi would be of some concern to her. And that she'd accordingly take a dim view of Kotomine abusing his position/authority.