Chapter Nine
Saint or Sinner Erik
Her declaration that she will not be here in the house causes me alarm. She has decided to go to town, without me? I don't care for the plummeting feeling in my stomach. Trying to sooth my agitation I tell myself it is only a trip to town, one where she might meet some man, one who will be bright enough to see all she has to offer, a man more handsome than I am and one without a murderous past. This is the point that I realize I am no longer the master of my heart as Jo has it in the palm of her hand.
As we head for the kitchen Jason asks the question burning inside my brain, "What are you going to do Jo?"
"Well after the milking and feeding I plan to build the largest snowman ever. After that or maybe during that I plan to make several very round snowballs equipped with absolute accuracy. I shall toss one and hit you right here." She pauses in her stride to point with her finger in the middle of his stomach causing him to laugh. I want to laugh out loud myself and pick Jo up and whirl her around but they might think I have gone mad so I pretend that nothing earth shattering has happened. I pretend that Jo, with a few simple words, hasn't made me the happiest man in the world. I am becoming soft and pathetic and isn't it wonderful?
No one wants to linger over breakfast this morning. With chores assigned to everyone work will quickly be done so we can get to the fun part of the day. My assigned task of necessity is less physical than what the others are doing. Disgust I am sure is covering my face as I peer down at my midsection at the frilly apron Jo tied around my waist. I am relegated to doing the dishes. I make a solemn promise that Jo shall pay for her impertinence. I may be slightly incapacitated but I am not so weak and helpless I could not at least push the wheel barrow filled with wood from the woodpile out back to the porch. I am sure this is her way of getting at me. From the glint in her eye I do believe she is looking forward to my retaliation and being a gentleman I cannot disappoint her.
So many intriguing ways to gain retribution fill the time as I mindlessly wash the dishes and put them away. By the time I limp outside the others have already begun to build what looks like a lopsided, oddly shaped, impressionistic replica of a man. It warms my heart every time Jo warns the children to be careful of me. She has even stepped in front of a few of the missiles Jason has playfully thrown my way. Daringly at one point I grab Jo and stuff the snowball I have made down the back of her neck.
Her shriek at the contact of cold against her warm neck is gratifying. I think it a fair repayment for leaving me to do the cleanup in the kitchen, not that I really minded. I am finding I like to do some of the inside chores as it gives me a sense of belonging.
"Oh Erik you shall pay for that. You had best be looking over your shoulder from now on. I shall get you when you least expect it. I will pounce and you won't know what hit you." Why do I get the impression that she is not talking about some snowball? From the seductive tug of her lips while her eyes make unspoken promises I have to say I can't wait for my punishment. Never have I anticipated punishment more than at this moment.
As the last snowball is thrown we focus on our man of snow. Jason looks over at his sister and Jo. Jerking his head to the side I believe it is his intention for me to come closer. Warily I do so not knowing what to expect from this little trickster.
"Erik, have you ever heard of mistletoe?" It seems to be an innocent question but as I have learned he has hidden bombs in his words just waiting to explode in the face of an unsuspecting person.
"No. Is it something Jo would like?" I ask innocently. I hear a snicker from him that worries me. What about that would cause him merriment?
"Oh she likes it alright. In fact she would like for it to be hung all over the house. She loves the stuff. Nothing makes her happier than seeing mistletoe hung up during Christmastime." I can clearly hear hidden meaning in his words but I am not one who can read children well. I cannot see the harm in hunting for this mistletoe he speaks of and since it will please Jo it will be my pleasure. First I must have him tell me what it is and what it looks like. It will also help to know where to find it.
Eagerly he tells me all about this mysterious mistletoe. What he describes does not seem all that impressive to me but for Jo I will search high and low for what is more a nuisance than a plant anyone would normally care to have growing around them. Women are odd creatures to be sure as I learned dealing with Madame and Christine. Jo and Amanda have their odd moments as well. I don't think it is chauvinistic of me at all to think men are much easier to read and deal with by far than an unstable female of the species. For all that I still would rather have Jo and Amanda as companions than any man I have ever known or rather heard about is more correct in my case.
As the snowman is finished it is as if some silent signal had gone off as I am bombarded with round balls of snow once again. Had we not had an agreement for a cease fire? To think I have missed this all my life. Is this what Christine and Meg did on those days they would go to the park during heavy snows when I stayed behind worrying if Christine would catch a cold? If I had known perhaps I could have joined in. A scarf around my face would have allowed me to go out without upsetting anyone.
It is my own fault most of the years I lived in seclusion, I can see that now. With some small effort on my part I could have lived a more normal life. I hadn't wanted to chance it though and so hid myself away. Many others were at fault for what my life had become but in the end it had been up to me to make the most of what I had. All the what ifs in the world won't change the past but at least now I won't live out my life deluding myself that everything is to be blamed on all of humanity. Much to my amazement I am not unlovable. It may not be love that Jo feels for me but I get a glimmer every once in a while in her eyes that leads me to believe she may have strong feelings for me. The children are much easier to understand when it comes to caring. Be kind to them and let them come close and they are willing to accept a person. It is true children can be unbelievably cruel to others but if led in the right direction with strict boundaries and clear moral guidance they are blank slates waiting to have their lives painted on life's canvas.
Jo's earlier threat to retaliate is an idle one as she continues to prevent anyone from tripping me or hurling projectiles that would cause me to fall. I want to join in there game of making snow angels but doubt if I could get back up from the ground. Their laughter is contagious. I find my cheeks are aching from the unaccustomed tightening of my facial muscles in so many smiles in quick succession. If nothing more comes of this new life I shall be grateful for this little slice of heaven.
Jo at last calls a halt to our mini war. I can't say I have ever lost so thoroughly and not minded in the least. Truthfully I didn't give my best effort as Jo's laughter drew my attention more than once. Working as a team we help the children out of their outer wear and I am surprised when Amanda takes my hand and leads me to the bench by the back door. Motioning for me to sit down she lifts her face up to mine with a broad smile on her cherubic face. If a person could melt from such sweetness I would be a puddle in the floor.
"Jo you and Jason go on and start lunch. I'll help Erik get his things off and bring him his slippers." The two youngsters exchange a look I have seen before. They have something up their sleeve. I hope I am not in for another session of questions about me and Jo's sleeping arrangements.
When Jo hesitates Jason grabs her hand pulling as he says, "Come on Jo. Amanda has something she wants to say to Erik." Crooking his finger for her to lean down he whispers, "It's something private."
Dear God help me. Am I to be spared nothing? I send Jo a beseeching look which she either doesn't see or is outright ignoring. Once they have left us Amanda lifts my left booted foot and valiantly tries to remove the heavy footwear. Luckily for me it is not my injured leg. Tapping her shoulder I lift my finger indicating for her to wait. Bending down I am able to pull the boot almost all the way off thus allowing her to remove it the rest of the way. More carefully I do the same for my right leg. It has almost healed completely and will soon be good as new. I am not ashamed to say I have let them believe I heal more slowly than most men. My near helplessness has earned me some very much appreciated pampering. At first I hadn't thought I'd take to the idea of anyone doing so much for me but I have to say once I got used to being waited on no one could tell that at one time I lived in the damp dark catacombs of an opera house for most of my childhood and adult life doing everything by myself when it came to personal care.
Clasping my hands once I have my slippers on my feet I wait for what will come next. Stepping closer to me she asks shyly, "Would you mind very much if I sat on your lap, not the hurt leg but the other one?" She softly pats my injured leg and I do believe she might have bent to place a kiss on it if I hadn't taken her under her arms and lifted her onto my thigh. I waited for the next step.
"Erik, I know you say you aren't Santa but if you were you'd have to say that wouldn't you?" She has a point there. Picking up steam she continues with her commentary as she picks at a button on my shirt. I do believe she is more nervous than she appears.
"Jason said there might be rules about giving presents to your own children. I just want you to know that if there is such a rule I'd rather have you as my father than any present in the world but just in case there aren't any rules like that I have a list of some things I wouldn't mind having if being broken hasn't set your toy making behind. I can do without anything this year if it means someone who needs them more than me will be without. I don't mind, really I don't. Besides, I already got what I prayed for in Sunday school, I got you as my new Papa. That's better than any old present." As if to reinforce her words she cups my face between her tiny hands and kisses me on my cheek. When she leans back with a wrinkled nose it is difficult to keep the smile from my lips. She does not like my scratchy beard.
I had thought she had said all she had to say but peering up at me with her innocent blue eyes she rubs my whiskers as she says, "I don't mind your scratchy old bear too much. Don't be mad but…well Jason and I have looked at your face while you were asleep. We don't think it's so terrible. You should have seen some of the soldiers coming home after the war and even now the ones fighting Indians get all scarred and burned. Wouldn't you love me if I fell and my face got ugly?"
For her it was a simple matter of just another scarred face. If only my deformity had been looked at in that way. When I was born the doctor and attending nurse told my mother some demon had come from her womb instead of a child. For years she believed me to be possessed by something the devil sent from hell. Jo, Jason and Amanda are rare individuals. Even some of the townspeople look at me strangely but for the most part they are willing to allow me to live in peace. I leave them alone and they leave me alone. Those individuals who attend church might be hypocritical and judgmental in most cases but not one of them has ever referred in a negative way to my face. My attitude, now that they do not appreciate at times. That part of me I can change with effort.
Tipping her chin up to me with my finger I hope I convey my sincerity as I say, "You could never be ugly. You are beautiful both inside and out just like your sister. I will…I do love you Amanda. It hasn't always been easy for me to love or be loved but I know that you, Jason and Jo are more important to me than anything in my life. You believe what you want to believe about me. If I am to be this man you hold so dear then who am I to tell you otherwise?" With that I kiss the tip of her nose to which she giggles then slips off my lap to run off but not before she hands me the oh so important list.
Before she leaves I think I may ask a few questions of my own. Jason seemed all too eager for me to find this mistletoe. It may well be something Jo is allergic to and this is his way to pull a prank and not get into trouble. "Amanda do you know what mistletoe is?"
The smile she gives me is blinding and if I didn't know better I'd say she was batting her eyes at me flirtatiously as she coos, "Oh Erik, are you going to put up mistletoe? Can I be the first? How clever of you to think of it. I wish I had thought of it."
"Jason suggested that I hang it all over the house to please Jo. Is that something Jo would like?"
She cocks her head to study me in a way I have seen older women look at men they were speculating whether to encourage them to come calling or not. At last with a slight nod of her head she says, "Well I suppose she likes it just fine. It isn't the mistletoe she'll like though, it's the kisses you'll have to give her when she stands underneath it that she will like best. I should have known Jason would think of this. He did carry a piece of it in his pocket for a whole six weeks once just so the girls would have to kiss him. He was quite popular for those weeks."
"So if I understand this correctly, whenever Jo is underneath a piece of this mistletoe, she must forfeit a kiss?" I want to be sure of my facts before I risk life and limb finding what I need.
"Well I don't know about four feet but she does have to kiss whoever asks her first if she is underneath it."
I am so excited I can't bring myself to correct her mispronunciation. All I can do is smile idiotically and give her a bear hug during which she squeals and wiggles in protest. Finally I let her go andshe kisses my cheek before she scampers off. Watching as she goes into the kitchen I remain sitting in the mudroom. I can hear them laughing and talking. I touch the place where she kissed me. A child kissed me and she did not catch fire or get transported to hell. Growing up I had never quite convinced myself that some part of the devil did reside in me. I did enough of his dirty work to earn me a place in hell if I am not able to find redemption. Placing my hands on my knees I rub them along my thighs. Perhaps it is time I seek advice from someone closer to God than I. Perhaps there is yet a way to be found to save me. I would hate to think I would spend eternity in hell while my family is in heaven. I have a family now, I cannot remain unrepentant for my sins.
Sitting here in the quiet alone with their voices in the background it slowly comes to me that if Jo and I do part all of this that I have experienced will no longer be available to me. Am I willing to let my pride and fear stand in my way to happiness? If there is even a slight chance would I not be a cowardly fool to let it slip through my fingers?
I cannot simply march up to her and demand my husbandly rights. Our becoming closer must be a gradual thing. I must show her that despite how I look and act I am not some lust starved fiend, although one could dispute that given all the images that constantly parade through my mind. My botched courtship of Christine aside I am completely in the dark as to how I should proceed. Women like a small thoughtful gesture rather than some easily bought display of affection. Jason has given me a way to express how I feel without having to say the words outright. I know they must be said at some point but this will do for now.
Tonight I will escort her to her room and kiss her gently on her lips. There will be no display such as what happened before. Even if it kills me I will take one step at a time toward winning her. As a prayer for strength leaves my lips to Gods ears it occurs to me I have never prayed so much or so fervently than I have this past month. Perhaps it is because I have something within my grasp that I finally believe will be awarded to me. Tomorrow with the house bedecked in mistletoe every room will be a trap laid by the spider to catch the fly. My purpose will have a better outcome for the fly than would be the case normally.
Throughout the evening meal I am a picture of gentlemanly manners. Praises for everything I can think of pepper the conversation. Amanda has a look of worship as her chin rests on her hands. Jo is staring at me with something similar but containing a more mature version of what Amanda is displaying. My plan is working far better than I could ever have hoped. Jason does his part by listing my many accomplishments and how handy I am to have around. I have fixed several broken parts on the old windmill and the pump out back. I have told him about things that in the future will be invented to make lives easier. I know about many of these things as I am intelligent enough to know the wave of the future is through industrialization and inventions that make lives easier. Already factories are churning out goods faster than ever before. I can feel my chest puffing in a most unbecoming way as he makes outlandish guesses as to how large my bank account is. Another man might think him vulgar for speaking about money in that way but if it furthers my cause who am I to object?
No one appears to want to linger by the fire tonight. It is as if we all know something momentous is about to happen. When I place my hands of the arm of the chair I notice they are slick with sweat. Quickly I put my hand up and brush it across my mouth. Sweat is coating my upper lip and my forehead. I knew I was nervous but this is ridiculous. I am a thirty-one year old man not a sixteen year old boy plotting to steal his first kiss from the girl he believes will be the love of his life. Perhaps I should wait for the power of the mistletoe when Jo will not be able to refuse me. Coward! I can hear myself shouting silently. I am tired of not having any belief in myself, tired of my lonely existence before coming here. Life does not jump out at a person you must chase after what you want and I want Jo, Amanda, and Jason.
Instead of following them upstairs I make a quick trip to the washroom to sluice off. If I had time I would splash a little of my after shave on my beard. Rubbing my hand over my face I feel the rough scruff scrape against the palm of my hand. I hope I don't mark her with all this rough hair. Wouldn't that be a lovely way to persuade her to let me kiss her again? I won't go back to wearing the mask but something has to be done about the scruff on my face. Besides does Jo not deserve to know just what I look like before she commits to anything permanent? We are married but only on paper thus far.
I'll not let any negative thoughts deter me from proceeding in my quest for a taste of Jo's sweet nectar. Climbing the stairs I can hear childish giggles coming from Amanda's room. Sometimes she persuades Jason to lie with her until she falls asleep. He scoffs at her for being a baby but he doesn't really mind being her protector as it gives him a sense of importance.
I wait at the top of the stairs so that I can make it appear I have just come up and happen to be there just when Jo leaves Amanda's room. Likely she will know this for the bit of subterfuge it is but she won't call me on it. This gives her an excuse as well to linger in the hall should she feel in need of one. Perhaps her reason will be the same as mine?
If my face shows my eagerness to be with her I can't help that. If my heart is beating so loudly and hard against the inner wall of my chest I think it might burst free at any moment it must be endured. Nerves, perspiration, doubts, fears, none of these will keep me from forging ahead. This is a test for me and it is one I shall not fail.
We meet just outside her door. Standing silently looking deeply into one another's eyes neither one of us hardly breaths as we exchange words without speaking. If what her eyes are saying is true then I do believe I can walk two feet above the ground my heart is so light.
Taking her by the shoulders gently I pull her unresistingly toward me. When I can feel all of her leaning into me I bend my head and without hesitation take her mouth at first in a gentle glide of lips against lips. Who opened their mouth in invitation first is hard to say and of little consequence as the fires within are stoked to a near blaze. I am fast loosing my control and from what Jo is doing to me with her lips, tongue and hands there will be no help from that quarter. Should I take advantage of this golden opportunity? No. I will not take her fully until I have told her everything about me and showed her just what sort of man she would be taking to her bed. She may deem me unfit to associate with her or the children. I believe her to be a more forgiving person than that but I have been wrong before. I won't take things any further until every detail of my life has been placed at her feet so she can make an informed decision about her husband.
Her arms going around my neck and going up on tiptoe plays havoc with my convictions. She is so temptingly sweet my head and body are drowning in sensations and urges. There is nothing I can do to stop myself from lifting her up so I can have easier access to her luscious lips. If ever there were sirens calling men to their doom I believe they were all called Jo. She is luring me in but I will welcome whatever befalls me by heeding her call.
With an agonized groan I set her down before I completely lose my head. Lifting my head away from temptation and putting her a few inches from me I drag in much needed air. She too is in need of life sustaining air. Passion does seem to deplete ones oxygen, the pleasure is such we have forgotten to breathe.
As she looks at me with dazed eyes I steal one last kiss then say in a voice barely recognizable as my own, "Not tonight. Tomorrow we shall have a talk. If afterward you feel the same then…well then we shall see. Make no mistake, I want you with everything I have within me but we…I can't let things go further until you know everything, know me."
When she would have made a protest I place my finger on her lips and say, "Tomorrow. You shall know all tomorrow." With a quick kiss I open her door and push her inside firmly shutting the door between us before my lust takes over and I lose sight of my better intentions. There are a few things I must accomplish yet tonight and one in particular will not be easy but the return for my effort will pay me grander than all the gold yet to be claimed from the earth.
Tomorrow night I will either be the happiest of men or one ready once again to rid the world of me. I don't think I can survive a rejection by Jo. What would be left for me?
