The Heroes Parody Project-
Claire: Heroes is copyright of NBC and it's creator Tim Kring (he created Heroes, NOT NBC, we all know NBC was created by the Peacock). All characters, powers, and everything else belongs to them. Any similarities from any actual people, living or dead is completely coincidental.
Claire answers her ringing cell phone.
Claire: Yeah?
Cindy (at the cheerleader tryouts): Claire! Where are you? The tryouts are about to start!
Claire: I'm doing the opening monologue, Cindy! Don't worry, my stand in will work out just fine…..
Peter walks out in the field in a cheerleading outfit.
Peter (on a megaphone): Allright, ladies! It's Pyramid time! Let's hustle!................Uh oh, an open vent!
SWOOOOSH!
Girls: AHHHHHH!!!!!!
-Volume 5: Bloodlines-
Elle is walking down the hall in the Bennet house, whistling, wearing a white coat, and an eye patch. She heads off to the side in a small room. Meanwhile down the hall, in Claire's room, we see Sylar lying in bed unconscious. We split screen over back to Elle, who is putting on some latex gloves and some stockings. She buttons her uniform, puts on her shoes, and fills a syringe with a mysterious fluid. Elle holds up and tests the syringe before putting it on a tray. After putting on her nurses' cap, she exits the room, making her way down the hall to Claire's room where Sylar is unconscious. She stands in front of the doorway….
Elle Bishop
member
Deadly Viper Assassination Squad
Codename: Cheeky McHotpants…
Elle: What the hell kind of name is that!?
Elle walks in and is ready to inject the syringe in Sylar. But her phone rings.
Elle (on the phone): What do you want?!
Noah (sitting in a chair grasping a Hatori Hanzo sword): Elle! What are you doing?
Elle: Nothing!
Noah: You're about to kill off Sylar, weren't you?
Elle: Maybe….
Noah: You idiot! He was poisoned on our property and now he has a cavalcade of lawyers on his side! We have to tend to his every whim or we're going to owe him tons of money.
Elle: You said 'our'?! Are you saying I can live here now?
Noah: Ugh…..I suppose until you find your own place. But there are no rooms available so you'll have to sleep outside.
Elle: Don't worry, I have been….it's been rough though….
---
Elle walks outside and gets on top of a doghouse, which turns into a fighter airplane controlled by Snoopy.
Elle: UGH! You're after The Red Baron again!? Just drop me off at Woodstock's.
Elle is trying to sleep in Woodstock's nest.
Woodstock: l l l l l l l l ll l l l l l l !!!!!
Elle: I…..don't know what any of that means…..
---
Elle: Oh, roommates….
Noah: Leave him alone for now. We'll find a loophole in his lawsuit or something and then we can deal with him.
Elle: Fine!
Sylar: Heh, heh….that's right, Elle! You have to do whatever I say….
Elle: You may have us in a corner, Sylar. But…(she backs away)….for every waking minute I will be watching and waiting….
She throws down a smoke bomb to escape. (POOF!)
Elle: -cough- -cough-…-HACK!-…..
Downstairs, Peter is eating breakfast with Claire.
Peter: So, um……
Claire: Yeah?
Peter: Sylar?
Claire: Oh, apparently the other day he came in to kill us and then we all got held hostage by Rachel Ray for one episode and Sylar ate her food which was made of Play-Dough and it made him sick…
Peter: That's ridiculous…..Play-Dough is non-toxic! I eat it all the time!
Claire: I wouldn't tell that to other people..
Peter: Are you kidding? It's my second job!
-TV Commercial-
Peter is washing a car. He gets on top of the hood and takes a bite of a giant hamburger (made of play-dough). Followed by several shots of him spraying a water hose around, and rubbing the burger all over himself.
Claire: That's extremely disturbing….
Peter: Yes….
Claire: Anyway, Sylar got sick and was able to get some lawyers to win him a suit against us saying we have to take care of him until he gets better or he gets Eleventy Billion Dollars…..
Peter: Harsh…..
Claire: And from what Nathan has told me, you guys were fighting last Volume's big bad. You fell over the edge, Nathan was able to fly again after having his powers disabled for a short time and save you regardless that you hit a few buildings on the way down, and he brought you here instead of a real hospital which makes no sense!
Peter: ….and Fox?
Claire: He fell a lot farther than you and now he's dead.
Peter: Finally! It only took 3 volumes…..(Rolls eyes)…….So where is Nathan?
Claire: He went to go run an errand I think…..
Peter: Ah….so now you are the nurse here, huh?
Claire: Yeah, but fortunately, since Elle is 'living here', I can use her for Nurse-ly duties…because I don't care what anyone says, I am not taking care of Sylar. He's a serial killer, and a psychopath……I am putting my foot down right now!!!
Elle: Claire, it's your shift!
Claire: Gotta go…..(She grabs her supplies and heads off).
Outside of the Bennet house, stands a mysterious man (NOT Thomas Fox….he's dead)…..holding a piece of paper with the house address….and below it:
CHAPTER NINE: THE CUT
---Earth, Sun, Moon, Eclipse, Heroes…---
Niki, Matt, Mohinder
Mohinder's Apartment
Don't step on the floor! I just mopped it!....Arrgh…Now I have to start ALL over…
Niki: ……-sigh-……..
Matt: ………-sigh-…….
Mohinder: ……..
Niki: …..ho hum…….
Matt: …..hmmm…..hmm….
Mohinder: What are you two doing?
Niki: I don't know….kinda bored…..
Matt: Yeah….
Mohinder rolls his eyes and makes his way into the other room where Micah and Molly are reading.
Mohinder: Hello children, doing some studying I see…..
Micah: Yeah.
Mohinder: Well, if you guys get some free time we can do something. After that whole mess last Volume I'm taking a bit of a sabbatical from my scientific duties. What would you guys like to do today?
Molly: You can help us work on our science project….
Mohinder: I'd love to!
Peter, Claire, and Friends!
The Bennet Home
Looks like their neighbors, The Griswolds, are putting up their Christmas Lights again…you know it's not going to work!
There is a knock at the door, Elle answers it.
Elle: Hello?
Man: Hi…..I need to speak with Noah Bennet….it's a matter of life and death!
Elle: Of course it is…..MR. B! Some weirdo wants to see you!......Wait….are you an assassin?
Man: No!
Elle: Swell…..(Turning back to yell) And he's not trying to kill you!
Upstairs, Noah and Sandra are in the middle of a very important surgical procedure.
Noah: Whew, we almost removed the foreign obstruction…..
Sandra: Hurry doctor! We're about to lose the patient!
Noah: I almost got it!
Sandra pats a rag on Noah's forehead……
Noah: Okay….slowly…..removing the obstruction…..I did it! And I didn't even touch the sides!
We cut to Noah and Sandra playing Operation…On top of Sylar….
Sylar (With a pillow over his face): DO YOU TWO MIND?! Trying to sleep here…..
Elle drags in the mysterious man by his legs.
Noah: Who is that?
Elle: He was just at the door and then he collapsed…..Why do people keep coming here when we're not a real hospital!?
Noah walks over to the man…..and is in shock.
Noah: This…..this cannot be.
Noah leaves the room in a panic.
Sandra: I guess we'll have to do surgery on him ourselves, Nurse Elle.
Elle: The equipment is ready!
Elle and Sandra get on top of the mysterious man and start playing Hungy, Hungry, Hippos!
Sylar: I don't think I can take much more of this.
Matt and Niki
Little China Chinese Cuisine
Where if your fortune cookie is blank, it means you have no future!....Wait, that's bad…
Niki: Always wanted to come down here.
Matt: Yeah, they just opened it up a few weeks ago.
Niki: I can't believe we have absolutely nothing to do. There are no villains to go after, the kids have not been kidnapped for once. Maybe we can just…..take a break I guess.
A waitress comes to their table.
Waitress: Refill, sir?
Matt (looking at his glass): Nah, I'm good. Got plenty of soda here….
Waitress: No sir, you're rice….
Matt: My…..rice?
Waitress: Would you like a refill on your rice?
Matt: You….do free refills……on rice?
Niki: It's an all you can eat restaurant, Matt! It's not a big deal!
Waitress: Yes…..I give you refill.
Matt: The rice I'm eating?
Niki: She said yes, dammit!
Matt sighs and gets starry eyed.
Niki: What the hell's your problem?
Matt: I'd….never imagined…..that this moment…..I would realize…..That dreams do come true!
Niki: Oh brother (rolls eyes)……
Back at the Bennet Home.
Claire begrudgingly saunters back into the room. Sylar is grinning sheepishly. Peter is minding his own business, while wearing a nightgown that reads: World's Greatest Granny!
Peter: Psst! Claire! Over here! It's me! Peter! HEY! Over here…..right here! Claire!
Claire: What?
Peter: Just saying Hi!
Claire: Yeeeah…..
Sylar: Well, you know what time it is, Claire?
Claire: Time for me to move on to a new show?......I can't wait until my Buffy The Vampire Slayer gig takes off!
---
Claire: Okay, Scooby Gang! What's the 411?!
Willow: Apparently, the Hellmouth is going to open….right here in the Sunnydale High School library. I'll get started on making a spell!
Xander: This is going to be so much fun! I can't wait! Another random sarcastic observation!
Claire: Well, all I know is that we'll be ready! Nothing will catch us off guard.
Giles: Buffy, I wanted to talk to you….
Claire: AHHHH!
Claire plunges a stake in Giles.
Willow: Buffy!? You just dusted Giles! What the hell did you do that for?!
Claire: OOPS! Butterfingers!
---
Claire: Yeah….just like that…..
Sylar: I meant it's sponge bath time!
Claire: HAHAHAHAH! For a moment I thought you….said….
Sylar: (Grinning)
Claire: Sponge….bath…..
Sylar: (Still grinning)
Claire: Well, all I have to say to that is EWWW! Why the hell would I do that!?
Sylar: We're your patients!
Claire: NO! You are a deranged killer…..and that is Peter! We're like related and stuff and….Gross!
A sponge hops out of the bucket.
Spongebob Squarepants: Come on, Claire! It'll be fun! Do you know what 'fun' is? Let me show you. (Singing) 'F' is for friends who do stuff together, 'U' is for you and me…
Claire: SHUT THE HELL UP!!!
Sylar and Peter exchange nervous looks.
Down the hall, Elle and Sandra come across Noah who is searching through some books.
Sandra: Is everything allright, Noah?
Noah: Allright?......No, Sandra. Nothing is allright……That man……I don't know how he is here!
Elle: Then ask him! Why is everybody freaking out?
Noah: Freaking out? Freaking Out!? I'll show you 'freaking out'!!!
Elle: You already are! AHHH! Don't eat me, I'm too cute!
Noah: Well, take a look at this!
Noah shoves a book in Elle's face. (SLAM!)
Elle: OOF!
Elle looks at a picture of a 17 year old Noah covered in acne and sporting an afro:
Most Likely To Open A 'Hot Dog On A Stick' kiosk outside a freestanding 'Hot Topic' store.
Elle: Wow! What a hunk!.....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
Noah: NOT THAT PICTURE, YOU DUNCE! The one below it!
Sandra: It's the picture of that man!
Noah: Yes….his name is Reginald Reinhold Bennet The Third……
Elle: Say what?!
Noah: He is my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather.
Sandra: GASP!
Elle does a double take back at the picture.
Noah: Why is he here?
Sandra: Why does he look so young?
Elle: Why is there a picture of him in your High School Yearbook?
Noah: These are answers I'm going to find out….after the commercial break!
Elle: What a cheap shot! You know we don't have those!
Mohinder and friends
Mohinder and friends' apartment
Mohinder's cable bill is through the roof due to Matt ordering a lifetime loop of 'The Muppets Take Manhattan'.
Mohinder: YOU DID WHAT!?
Matt: But it's the Director's Cut!! It includes the controversial scene where Miss Piggy gets held hostage!
---
Man: Is this Kermit?
Kermit: Yes it is! Where is my lovely Miss Piggy?
Man: She's right here!
Miss Piggy: Kermie! Help!
Man: Here are our terms….We want you to bring 50 thousand dollars in unmarked bills to the abandoned train yard by sunset tomorrow….
Kermit: What if I can't get the money?
Man: Then we're making sausage!
Kermit: NOOOOOOO!!!!
---
Matt: OOOH! I wonder what's going to happen next! Better ask for an extension on my lifetime loop!
Mohinder: UGH!
Micah: Okay, Mohinder we got that final part we needed to fix our project!
Matt: Project?
Mohinder: Yes, the children are making a Micro-Radiation-Nano-Proton-Wave…..or MRNPW for short….
Matt: And….I still don't know what it means….
Mohinder: It uses radiation and different chemicals, safe doses of course, to drastically reduce cooking times comparable to most microwaves and conventional ovens!
Niki: I'm pretty sure it doesn't work like that, regardless it sounds extremely dangerous!
Mohinder: Oh pish posh……we expert scientists know what we are doing!
Matt: Duh, Niki! Get a clue!
Niki: Oh whatever, Parkman! Like you know anything about science!
Matt: Of course I was, I used to be a cop! Stupid!
Niki: What happened to that, anyway?
Mohinder: Yeah, you used to be a cop! What happened again?
Matt: Niki got me fired!
Niki: Bull! I only got you fired because you ruined my singing career!
Mohinder: I should probably move to another room….
---
At the Foggy Mug Bar and Pub…..Niki is getting ready for Karaoke Night!
Niki (singing): I shot the sheriff! But I did not shoot the deputy!....
Matt (kicking down the door): AHA! A confession! Get her!
An army of cops barge in and tackle Niki
Matt: Go for the shins!
---
Mohinder: Yeah, I stayed in the room, why I didn't move…..
Matt and Niki bicker for ten minutes…..
Niki: Well, now I'm bored….
Matt: Me too….
Niki: Yup…..
Matt: …..Wanna go visit Peter in the 'Hospital'?
Niki: Oh sure, why not!?
Back at the Bennet's, Matt and Niki are walking down the hall carrying flowers and balloons. Noah, Sandra, and Elle make their way to the kitchen where the mysterious man, Reginald is sitting.
Noah: Okay, how did you get here? You cannot possibly be my relative from that long ago….
Elle: You were just going on about how he was! I swear, that man is coo coo for Cocoa Puffs!!!
Noah pulls a rope, sending Elle through a trap door.
Elle: AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Noah: Explain yourself!
Reginald: There is a war raging in my time, I was able to leap through time to come and warn you….
Sandra: Wow! He made a Quantum Leap through time!....Just like on that show….What was it called, Noah? Oh, that's right…..Night Court!
He shoots a look at Sandra, who waves.
Noah: Note to self…build 'two' trap doors…
Reginald: Unfortunately, I am too late…
Noah: Too late?!
Reginald: I was shot with poisonous arrows by the king's guards….so I am not long for this world…..
Reginald collapses on the floor.
Sandra: Uh….
Noah: Hmm…..We should probably do something about this….
Sandra: Um, Noah……
Noah: What?
Sandra: If cliché'd plot twists have taught me anything….is that if an older ancestor….is no longer…..you know….living…..it kinda cuts the line, dear….
Noah: The line?
Sandra: If this man at his age is killed…..he cannot….carry on the 'Family Name'…..
Noah: Oh……ooohhhhh……OH!.....oh……That's bad….
Sandra: Yes, and another thing….
She suddenly notices that Noah has disappeared.
Sandra: Hmm….
Meanwhile…..
Mohinder: Are we ready to test it.
Micah: Yup! Molly, hit the switch!
She does so….the machine starts sparking and making a loud 'Whirrrr' noise.
Mohinder: Is it supposed to do that?
Micah: I….don't think so…….
A loud explosion is heard, and half of the block loses power.
Mohinder: Is everyone okay?
Micah: Yeah.
Molly: Matt isn't around, so I know I'm safe.
Micah: Don't be so sure…..
The three of them walk outside and the apartment is missing half of it's wall, overlooking a city in ruins.
Mohinder: Hmm…..So we have concluded that your project does in fact not cook meals in a timely manner, but it does destroy the city…..this should win first place for sure!
Mohinder steps into the living room to be confronted by Hiro and Ando.
Mohinder: Hiro!? What are you doing here?
Hiro: Mr. Suresh! You must come with us! Something terrible has happened!
Mohinder (looking at the city in ruins): Whatever do you mean?
Hiro: Come with us, we'll explain in the car.
Mohinder, Micah, and Molly follow Hiro and Ando out of the building. They see Angela Petrelli sitting in the back of the car.
Angela: Come on in, Dr. Suresh and children. We have much to discuss…
Mohinder hesitantly gets into the vehicle. Angela pours herself some champagne.
Angela: We have much to discuss, Dr. Suresh….
Mohinder: You said that already…..
Angela: Me, Mr. Nakamura, and his little friend…..I forgot his name….I'll just call him Jughead.
Ando: IT'S ANDO!!
Angela: That fascinating, Jughead…
Ando: GRR!
Angela: We went on a little trip to the past, and found out some important information.
Mohinder: …and that is?
Angela: Noah Bennet is dead…..
Mohinder: WHAT!?
Angela: Well, sort of…..the past has been changed and one of his ancestors was killed by some poisonous arrows. Which wasn't supposed to happen and because of that his family bloodline has been cut. So as of now, Noah Bennet no longer exists….and for you see, the world has been altered dramatically as a result.
Mohinder: And you want me to show you how to solve the problem….with science.
Angela: No.
Mohinder: GAH!?
Hiro: I don't know how it happened, Mr. Suresh. But that mechanism you were using prevented you from being….how do I put….reset through time.
Mohinder: I don't understand.
Hiro: When Mr. Bennet's ancestor was killed, Noah was never born, thus the future was changed. Everyone you know now is living very different lives, you would be two but were immune to the space-time change.
Mohinder: I don't see how that makes sense, but carry on….
Angela: As of right now….the six of us are the only people in the universe that are aware of what is going on. We must go back into the past and try to restore history to what it was.
Mohinder: Why do you need me? Or the children better yet?
Micah: It would be nice to do something without getting kidnapped for once.
Molly: I agree.
Hiro: Oh, you two can't stay. Even though you three are here, there are your new present forms running about. If you were to make contact with each other, the space-time continuum couldn't handle that and the universe would be destroyed!
Mohinder: I'm pretty sure I've heard that in a movie somewhere…..
Hiro: Come with me, Mr. Suresh, I will show you the different changes that has been bestowed upon the world today….
Mohinder holds out his hand, Hiro grabs it and they disappear.
Angela: Well, until they get back…..do you kids like candy?
Micah: Sure!
Angela: Well, I do happen to have a lifetime supply of Werther's Originals with your names written all over them.
Molly: Wow…..uh….that's so nice….
Micah: Bleh…
Hiro and Mohinder stop by a beautiful house. They see Peter trimming the garden….
Mohinder: Is that Peter…?
Hiro: Yes….and look who is inside….
He sees Elle cooking a pot roast.
Mohinder: Elle…..
Hiro: His wife.
Mohinder: WIFE?!
Hiro: Let's continue…
-Teleport-
They arrive in a random rundown kitchen. Nathan is passed out on the couch, Claire is reading a book.
Hiro: Since Noah was not present when my father presented Claire, he just gave him back to her biological father, Nathan.
Mohinder: Yeesh….
-Teleport-
Mohinder: Where are we now?
Hiro: We see a peaceful farm, ran by Niki and her boyfriend, The Haitian.
Mohinder: Hmm….I never thought about them two hooking up…..
Hiro: Focus!......But it's a little more than that…..
Niki walks onto the fields and is petting one of the animals.
Mohinder: Those animals look like Beanie Babies.
Hiro: They are……
Mohinder: She's raising a Beanie Baby farm?! Has she gone mad?!
Hiro: Yes…..D.L left her for a Vegas Stripper, and she went insane…..
Mohinder: And let me guess….Sylar is a good guy.
Hiro: Well, since it has been known that if it weren't for Noah and Elle, Sylar wouldn't have become a deranged killer. Since the two of them kinda egged him on, so to speak.
Mohinder: Something like that…..(rolls eyes)…..what does he do?
Hiro: He owns the rival farm across from Niki where he raises Cabbage Patch Kids.
Mohinder: I think I've seen enough….let's just fix the past because the present now is just stupid……
Hiro: I want to show you one more thing…..
Hiro picks up a flyer and hands it to him. It shows Matt Parkman standing in front of many different flags.
Mohinder: Matt Parkman is The President Of Earth!?!?!
Hiro: I'm afraid so….
Mohinder: That's it! We're leaving! Right Now!!
He grabs Hiro's arm.
Hiro: AHH! Don't rip it off, yeesh!
They teleport out of there as we see Niki cradling her Beanie Baby in the middle of a field, Sylar glaring at her from the adjacent building. Newlyweds Peter and Elle dancing in their kitchen. Nathan snoring on the couch, and Matt signing a new bill in crayon.
Back in the car….
Angela: What did you think?
Mohinder: This is almost as bad as those pointless Remnant Experiments in the last volume!
Angela: I wouldn't know. Since none of you bothered to call me….(To Molly) especially you!
Molly: Lady, I hardly know you!
Angela: Eat some more Werther's Originals!
Molly: No! They're gross!
Mohinder: I mean, I haven't seen such a bad case of identity crises ever since Matt thought he was Little Orphan Annie!
---
Matt (sporting an orange poofy wig), jumps on Mohinder's lap.
Matt: I love you, Daddy Warbucks!
Niki: Uhhh…..
Mohinder: Matt….Niki and I have been talking…and we think you really need to consider getting professional help…..perhaps visiting a psychiatrist….
Matt: Leapin' Lizards!
---
Angela: I didn't need to see that….
Mohinder: So, what do we need to do now?
Hiro: What else?.....We're going forward….to the past.
Angela: ….
Mohinder: …..
Ando: ….
Hiro: You know what I mean….
He starts the car as it drives off.
To Be Continued….
