The children are still playing
And the love's never really gone
So in this poem I'm just saying:
There's always a reason to go on.
- MariaC
What's lost will be found
The doctor had tried to convince me to go for another round of tests and to… well, sort of talk, with the police. They wanted to know why I tried to kill myself. I had simply ignored him, not ready to do anything yet. Finally Dan had managed to get him to leave me alone, in a way that was barely legal. The doctor had looked a bit shocked as he ran out of the room.
I looked at the four boys around me, suddenly realizing that Tyler was right. I had changed everything by ending up in the hospital.
Pogue, the guy who normally was the cool one, who looked like he couldn't care less about everything, now was nearly crying as he held me in his arms.
Tyler always had been the calm one, staying in the background and hardly saying anything. Now he hadn't left my side and kept telling me that it would be okay.
Caleb, who always was the composed one, the one who thought about every move before making it, now looked helpless and lost.
Reid was the fighter of the four, always ready to punch some sense into anyone who crossed one of them. Now, I could still see the anger in his eyes, but there was more. You could almost describe his look as scared. But I couldn't believe that, because Reid Garwin, the player of Spencer, didn't do scared.
"Does anyone want anything to drink?" Dan suddenly asked. Everyone immediately looked at me, making me look down to avoid their gaze.
"I'd like a cola, please." Tyler finally said, saving me. Pogue nodded.
"Me too." Reid was about to open his mouth when Dan turned to him.
"Reid, how about you come with me. I need some one to help me carry it all. Caleb, you're coming?" It was a pathetic excuse to get them out of the room, but I was thankful for it. I felt like I was suffocating with all these people in here.
"Yeah, sure." Caleb quickly said, almost dragging Reid out of the door. Tyler and Pogue laughed softly at Reid's angry face. Dan followed them slightly amused.
As soon as Dan had closed the door behind him, Pogue and Tyler turned to me again. I started fidgeting with the blankets, trying my hardest to avoid their eyes.
"Rachel." Tyler said softly. "Rachel, please look at me. We need to talk." Tyler lost a few points in my mind. I didn't need to talk about it, I didn't want to talk about. I just wanted to close my eyes, fall asleep and never wake up again.
And then I realized where my thoughts were leading me. Back into the oblivion where I had been before. And I had promised Tyler I wouldn't go there anymore, that I wouldn't ever do something like that again.
You didn't promise anything.
A voice in my mind reminded me. And it was true: I hadn't promised anything, I had avoided the question.
I pulled my legs up against my chest, trying to back away in my bed as far as possible. I ignored the voices of Tyler and Pogue as I tried to run away to the nothing I had been before.
But I couldn't.
I kept seeing their faces when they heard the news about my voice. And my mind kept making up their tears that would fall down on my grave if I'd die.
I didn't realize that I was crying until Pogue wiped my tears away.
"Rach…" He whispered softly. "Please, Rach. Just ta…" I knew what he wanted to say: Just talk to me. But I couldn't do that anymore. Pogue looked at Tyler, begging him for help. And Tyler walked forward, took my chin in his hand and moved my head up until I looked him straight in the eye.
"Rachel." He said in a warning voice. "You remember what I said before, don't you?" I nodded softly, suddenly feeling like a child that had stolen a cookie. Tyler nodded back to me.
"Good. Then you remember when I said we loved you. Listen to me Rachel: There are thousands of people who can't talk. That's not the end of the world. So stop talking yourself back into yourself. Write it. Write what you feel, what you think. Come on, Rachel. We can help you." He didn't plead like Pogue did. Instead he simply told me what I had to do, making me see that I had no choice.
I extended my hand, causing Pogue to frown. But Tyler immediately understood. He grinned as he took out his notebook again and handed it to me. I smiled softly at him and then started to write.
What do I say?
I asked them. Pogue grinned.
"What do you want to do about your voice? We can help you, you know. Or you could do the surgery." I thought about it for a second, searching for what I was feeling. Of course, I knew what I wanted, but I wasn't sure why I wanted it.
I don't want to do anything. I hate the idea of surgery, especially in my throat. And I don't want you to waste your life on something like this.
Rachel had to stop herself from writing down 'on someone like me'. She had decided to stop her self-pity, and not thinking depressive thoughts was the start.
Pogue frowned when he saw the message, but Tyler nodded softly.
"We understand. Though we would be happy to do it." He told her with a small smile. I smiled back at him, glad that he understood.
Suddenly Tyler turned to Pogue with a warning look in his eyes. I frowned, following the exchange with worry. I knew that they were having a mind conversation, and it was annoying.
What?
I wrote down. Tyler quickly shook his head.
"Nothing, it's nothing. Just forget about it." He told me, trying to sound reassuring. I glared at him. I wanted to know what was going on.
"Tyler…" Pogue whispered. "We need to know." It wasn't really like he was trying not to make me hear it, but more to make it clear that I wasn't a part of that conversation. I waited, slightly annoyed, till someone would say the question out loud. Mean while, my mind started to think about the possibilities.
It was something they needed to know, something that Tyler didn't want to ask. No, not didn't want to, something he refused to ask. Then Pogue turned to me.
"Rachel, we need to know." He whispered softly, almost sounding apologizing. I looked at him, not fully understanding but also scared. And I suddenly wasn't so sure I wanted to know anymore. "Who did this?" I froze.
Those three words were enough to cause a full-blown panic attack. I curled up in a ball again, and beside me I could faintly hear the machines I was hooked on starting to beep.
I could hear Tyler as he screamed my brother's name in anger, and then I felt his arms around me. He stroke my hair, holding me close to him as he whispered shooting words into my ear.
"Sir, please move." A voice told Tyler, but I held on to him, not ready to let him go. Because I feared that he would leave if I would let him go.
"Sir…" The voice started again, but Tyler ignored it.
"Shhh…" He whispered to me. "Shhh. It's okay Rachel, it's okay. You're save her. I'm here. You're okay."
Slowly I started to calm down again, until a second voice joined Tyler's. This voice was louder, nearly screaming into my ear, drowning Tyler's voice out.
If you ever tell someone about this, I promise you that you will die. You hear me? I will torture you to death, you and every single one of your 'friends'.
The voice flew through my head, over and over again, and I started sobbing without making a sound.
I wanted to beg Tyler to make it go away, but I couldn't.
You're disgusting. Bitch. You're so ugly.
Two other voices entered my head. And I recognized them. And then the beeping noise beside me started to fade. The voices started to lower, and I could hear Tyler again.
"…Okay. You're okay. Just calm down." He whispered, and that was the last thing I heard before all went black.
When I woke up again, I had a splitting headache and a sore throat. I slowly opened my eyes, only to see Pogue and Tyler sitting beside me. They were both asleep, laying with their heads on my bed. And both of them were holding my hand. I softly tried to pull them loose, because I needed to move, but I didn't want to wake them. It was unsuccessful.
"Rachel?" Pogue's sleepy voice sounded. He sighed in relief. "Thank god." He muttered softly. I couldn't help but smile as he hugged me and kissed me on my forehead. After that it was Tyler's turn, who gave me the same greeting.
"How're you feeling?" Pogue asked worried. I smiled at him and extended my hand. Pogue handed me a new notebook and a matching pen. He grinned softly.
"We thought that Tyler would need his own, so Reid and Caleb bought these in the gift shop. So tell me, how do you feel?" I smiled as I started to write.
Fine.
Pogue lifted his eyebrow. "Sure you do. So tell me, when was the last time you ate?" I shrugged. I wasn't even sure what day it was. Pogue rolled his eyes. "You hungry?" He asked. And of course, I then started to realize just how much I needed some food. I nodded and Tyler stood up.
"I'll be right back." He told me as he gave me a quick kiss on the forehead. I smiled at him as he walked out of the room. Pogue moved a bit closer.
"You're happy today." He determined. I nodded happily, causing him to laugh.
"That's good. So, if you manage to be panic attack-free for the next two days, we can get you out of here." I started to smile, but then his full sentence entered my mind.
Panic attack-free
Panic attack
Who?
My mind leaded me away from the world again, and I felt myself starting to shake again. Pogue's eyes widened. Then he pulled me into his arms, trying to sooth me.
Luckily for him, my attack wasn't as bad as before, and I actually managed to calm down rather quickly. Meaning, before freaking out the machines.
And when I finally was able to breath normally again, I made a decision. I didn't care what they had said or done, I wanted to live again. I slowly pulled back from Pogue and started to write again, ignoring his confused look. It didn't take me long, there were only three words needed.
Then I dropped my pen on the blankets and ripped out the paper, handing it to Pogue. He looked at it, still confused. Then his eyes started to widen.
I looked down at the blankets, not sure how he would react. And I was in his arms. He held me tight as I started to sob. Pogue kept swaying softly as he stroke my hair.
"It's gonna be okay." He whispered the promise in my ear. "They are never gonna touch you again. I promise."
We both looked up when the door opened. Tyler came in, and froze on the doorstep. He hesitated, until I beckoned him in with a soft movement of my head. As Tyler walked to the bed, Pogue helped me to sit up right so I could eat. Tyler placed the tray on my legs and I looked at it.
Two pieces of toast with a small egg. It actually looked eatable, so I guess not all the stories about hospital food are right.
Or maybe they are, I second-guessed after I took a bite. I winced as I tried to swallow the bite as fast as possible. Tyler laughed.
"How about I ask my mom to bring something next time? She doest it all the time for my dad." He suggested. I put my left thumb in the air, using my right hand to take another bite of my toast.
Seriously, what could someone ruin about toast?
I listened to Pogue and Tyler as they softly talked to me. Tyler took my tray away as soon as I was done eating and then Pogue helped me to lay down. They stayed by my side, talking to me, until I finally fell asleep.
And I had to admit, life actually looked pretty good at that moment.
Third person POV
Pogue managed to keep his cool until his sister was asleep. But when he was finally sure that she wouldn't notice him leaving, he jumped up and walked to the door, beckoning Tyler to follow him. The younger boy followed his instruction curiously.
In the hallway, Pogue found Caleb and Reid waiting for Rachel's door. He realized that Reid's father had to go back to work.
"What's wrong?" Caleb asked worried as he saw his friends furious face.
Pogue handed him the note his sister had given him before, and then started to pace in front of Rachel's room.
Caleb looked at the note. "Aaron Riley Bordy? What does that mean?" He asked worried. Tyler's eyes widened as he connected the dots. Pogue explained it.
"That's the answer I got when I asked her who had done it." He hissed. Caleb froze while Reid jumped up and started to walk away. Luckily, Tyler knew him well enough to be able to predict his reaction. The boy ran after his friend and pulled him back.
"Wait, Reid." He told him. "We need to think before we do anything." Pogue cursed.
"What do you mean? What's there to think about? I say we go to them and show them not to mess with Rachel anymore!" Caleb shook his head.
"No, Tyler's right. If we hurt them, their lawyers are gonna use that against us in court. That way, it's possible that they might walk free. Plus, if we hurt him he's gonna take his revenge on Rachel. And we can't protect her twenty-four-seven." Reid cursed.
"So we need evidence…" Tyler muttered softly. Pogue glared at him.
"What? Are you saying Rachel might be lying?" He hissed as he took a step towards Tyler. Caleb sighed softly as he pulled his friend back.
"Cool it, Pogue. Simply because Rachel says they did it, doesn't mean we can get them behind bars. I'll my father's lawyer, he's the best. Meanwhile, you guys go back to Rachel. Keep her busy, okay? I'm gonna see what I can do about Aaron and his groupies." Reid and Tyler nodded, quickly walking back to Rachel. Pogue hesitated.
"You do think we can get them, right, Caleb?" He asked worried. Caleb looked at his friend and nodded.
"Not a doubt. If we can't get them the legal way, we'll use other ways to keep Rachel safe." He promised him. Pogue nodded relieved and walked into his sister's room again.
Again, a short chapter, but I had little time these days. The next chapter will be up next Friday.
Please Review and check out the One-Shot I posted: What if...
