It took almost two weeks for my people to find Luke. When I got the phone call, I was told it was somewhere in the vicinity of Marrakesh, I believe. Delivery was imminent, but in the meanwhile it was ten days of having to bide my time and bite my tongue. And that was proving to be harder than one might think.
Meanwhile, things are deteriorating daily between Ric and I - or should I say, Alexis. He grates against my nerves, against every fiber of my being. I expect that it's been pretty much the same for him. I can't help it. I can see why Alexis cares for him, but there's something behind his gaze that disturbs me. Knowing his and Sonny's history, I think I know what it is. The two of them have huge mommy issues. And I don't know which one of them has been affected more.
But Ric has somehow come to expect for Alexis not to question him too much, but I can't stand it when his moments of the unconscious male superiority gene pool decide they want to come out and play.
I can see now where Alexis would just let little things go by, let Ric "be the man", telling herself that this was what family life was all about, little compromises here and there to keep everything smooth sailing. Why was it that she couldn't see that all the compromises were being made on her side? Maybe it hadn't been that way in the beginning, but that's what it was now. Well, that kind of compromising just isn't my way. What I know of life never permitted me to learn those things. So when Ric tried to press me too hard, I didn't know any other way than to press back.
And Ric didn't appreciate that one bit.
On the other hand, Sonny and I seem to be trying to move towards a mutual existence pact. Was it my imagination, or was he making a real attempt at being more of a daddy to Kristina lately? We kept running into each other at her day-camp classes. Of course Kristina was loving it; finally, like all of her little friends, she was there with her mommy and her daddy. So there we were - Sonny and I - all of a sudden, sharing snack times and lunch times and all the in-between times as well.
There had been something called a field day. Lots of races and games across the grassy campus. And there Kristina was, dragging us by the hand from event to event to event. She had a grand time, but when it came to afternoon quiet time, she and her best friends giggled themselves to nap-time with nary a fight.
Sonny and I walked easily between groups of parents and teachers; of course, in the beginning, most of them were wary of Sonny and glanced nervously from him to me as we joined the conversations. But one thing you have to remember is that Sonny is a man of great charm and charisma, and he knows how to use it. In less time than one might think, he'd put most of their fears to rest, as he showed himself to be nothing more than very concerned parent and doting father.
After a time, I excused myself to use the facilities and left him in full control - charming Kristina's art teacher and some of her friends' parents as they discussed the various creative paintings they'd done this week. On the way back, I stopped by Kristina's classroom to peek in on the small forms napping quietly in the drowsy afternoon shadows filtering into the room. I smiled at another parent leaving the doorway; she flashed a conspiratorial smile at me as she went back outside.
Like all the other parents, I was enchanted at the sight of all the small forms sprawled across their sleeping mats. My heart swelled with so much love as I peeked into the half-light of the classroom and spied my own little sable-haired angel fast asleep. I was hopeless, I thought with a smile. I was as besotted as any other doting mother. And this was something I thought I'd never feel. If I had had a son, would I have felt such a tug at my heartstrings? Little girls were so precious, so very very special…
"There's something about little girls, isn't there?"
I hadn't even felt Sonny come up behind me, but suddenly every fiber of my being reacted to his nearness. And it was more than my body feeling the closeness of his. The softness, the total tenderness in his voice set my pulses to thundering wildly. And it was eerie how Sonny echoed my thoughts so clearly, it was almost as though we were experiencing our very first parental bond… my throat choked up suddenly and a strange feeling came over me, one of pain mixed with a strange sort of joy...
I turned to him, and my misty eyed gaze was reflected in his…
Time shifted somehow - even though that moment in our lives had been long gone, I felt as though we were experiencing being parents to Kristina for the very first time. Standing the way we were, so close, as we looked in on our child, in a way, maybe we were.
I blinked back the sudden tears and as I did, time flashed backwards for me in an instant. And then time itself played tricks on me…in my mind's eye. there I was, no fear, no fighting, Kristina's birth-day a time of joy and anticipation, holding a new-born Kristina in my arms and there was Sonny - and I was seeing what I had never seen, the pride and love in Sonny's face as he held his truly first-born child, his baby girl, in his arms for the very first. time…and then looked at me with all the possessive pride and love he was capable of…the agony of her birth echoed through me for just a moment, but at the end, there was peace… and joy as this time it went all the way it was supposed. I took her from her father and cradled my child of love in my arms, and then raised shining eyes to her father…
No that was the exact opposite of the way things happened, but that was how it was supposed to have been.
Why did I see that in Sonny's gaze as it went from Kristina to mine's? It was just wistful thinking….wasn't it?
Then why, when I looked in Sonny's eyes, did it seem all too real? As though he had been seeing the same?
