"No, I mean…yes I was scared. Edward wasn't with me and I didn't know what to do. I remember the car swerving to the other side of the road but that's it"
She sighed and scribbled something down on her pad "Bella this is our third visit and you keep repeating the same thing. I know what happened but how do you feel about it? Why is it that you only have panic attacks when Edward leaves? I want to get to the root of your problems. Why are you so scared to get back in the car? Do you want to tell me why?" I looked away from my therapists, Linda, and turned my attention towards our bedroom door
"Remember this is a safe place and anything you say stays between us" she reminded me
Edward was right outside in the other room and even though he promised he wouldn't listen in I felt like I had to filter what I was saying.
"I'm sorry I don't know what else to say" I shrugged
"Well maybe you need time to think about it by yourself huh? Don't be down on yourself Bella, you've already made the first step in recovery by just admitting you need help. Just give yourself time and I'll see you again next week okay? Maybe we can have our next session in my office"
Did I forget to mention that my therapist has been coming to the Cullen's? I attempted to go there but I had a panic attack on the way out the door and was frozen in fear on the porch. Edward had to call and make other arrangements, I felt like a big baby.
"Okay thanks" I smiled timidly at her and showed her out of the room
Once she left I climbed back in bed and climbed under the covers, I was so ashamed of myself. Everyone kept pressing to get out what was wrong with me but even I didn't know the answer to that yet, I wanted more than anything to get up and walk away from my problems but that would be kind of hard to do considering that I still couldn't walk a few steps without getting winded. There was a knock on the door and I felt weight on the bed.
"How did it go?" Edward asked
"Like you don't know" I muttered into the pillow
"I promise you that I did not listen to one word"
"I wish you did then maybe you could've cut in"
"It was that bad?"
I started crying, frustrated at myself but it seemed to catch Edward off guard. He immediately wrapped an arm around my waist and kissed the side of my head.
"You're okay" he whispered
"I'm not okay" I cried and turned to face him "I'm broken"
"You are not broken love. You just need time to heal"
There was rustling outside the room like someone was going to come in and Edward turned his head towards the door. It didn't go unnoticed that he slightly growled at it.
"I want to go in Rose, I have to talk to Bella about the flowers for the archway. I don't want her getting married under a flowerless archway" Alice whined loudly
I buried my head back in the pillow wanting to be invisible
"Bella is upset and Edward is trying to calm her down so why don't you just wait for her to come to you" Rose muttered annoyingly at her.
I would have to remind myself to thank her later. The last thing I wanted to right now is to be talking about wedding plans. Right now it didn't even feel like this wedding could happen with the state I'm in.
"Do you still want to marry me?" I asked him after it quieted down
"Yes" he said seriously "Don't you ever think for one minute that I would change my mind"
"My therapist hates me"
"No she doesn't…you're just not giving her a lot to work with"
"I don't like talking to strangers"
"Aren't you the one who told Jacob and I that you needed to talk to someone you didn't know, so they could give it to you straight?"
"I changed my mind" I grabbed his hand tightly "I want you to help me"
"Sweetheart, I'm not sure how to help. Just give the therapy a couple more weeks okay?"
"Can we do something else?" I needed to get my mind off of…well, me
"Depends what it is"
"Can we go outside?" I asked hopeful, I haven't been out there since I left the hospital
"I guess that can be arranged but you have to let me carry you"
I held out my arms and he willingly scooped me up as we walked down the stairs. Esme met us at the bottom and smiled warmly.
"Where are we off to?"
"Outside" I answered her
"Oh good, you need a change of scenery" she patted my shoulder "Just don't stay out there too long. Carlisle wants you to conserve your energy"
"I'll be fine Esme" I told her, I hate when they worry over me
"We'll just be out front" Edward promised walking outside. He placed me gently on the warm grass and I twirled a piece in between my fingers. Not that I could really see or hear the cars that went by because the house so was so secluded, but I did know they were there and I felt another twinge a depression. Something so simple that people did every day and I couldn't do it anymore, it angered me more than anything. I started ripping out the blades of grass viciously and throwing them into the yard. Edward walked in front of me and I looked up to see his confused face.
"Sorry" I muttered
He threw his hands up "Hey whatever you need to do to cope. I'm not judging"
"I feel like I have no control over my emotions anymore" I tugged at more grass
He sat down behind me and wrapped his arms around me. I turned my face into his arm slowly breathing in his scent. He positioned his head in the crook of my neck, doing the same.
"I miss this" I whispered
"Mmm" he muttered knowing what I meant
I twisted in his arms so I was lying in his lap and looking up at his face. He arms moved so they could cradle me and he reached up to let his finger trace the cut that started from my forehead and went to my hairline.
"My fragile Bella" he sighed
"For once I'm not going to disagree"
I stretched out my arm and let my fingertips run up the many bruises that were still an ugly purple color. He grabbed my arm and brought my hand up to kiss it.
"I think that's because you've finally realized that you're not indestructible"
"It's a scary thought" I whispered
"I know love, I know" he kissed my cheek
After we were outside for a little while I felt Edward stiffen at the same time I saw a big shadow emerging from the woods. Thinking it was something threatening my heart rate speed up and I tried to move behind him. Imagine my relief when I saw it was only Jacob. Edward was still pretty mad at him for that bathroom incidence but it was because of it that I decided I needed help.
"Good to see you out and about Bells" he smirked sitting down next to me
"I needed a change of scenery" I laughed lightly
"What are you doing here?" Edward sneered
"Seeing how she's doing. Look, I'm sorry that I was a little harsh with her but she opened up didn't she? Isn't that what you wanted me to do?"
"You asked him to do that to me?" I asked incredulously
"No, well…not like that. I just wanted him to talk to you. As much as a hate it, there are still things that you seem to tell Jacob and not me"
"That's not true" I argued
"It's okay, I'm not upset about it. I'll be back love" he kissed my forehead and went to walk towards the house when I felt the panic starting again
"No, don't go!" I yelled not letting go of his hands
"Bella I'm just going into the house…"
"But…"
"It's just to let you guys talk, it's alright"
Jacob looked at me sadly then looked to Edward who answered his thoughts in one word
"No"
I figured he was asking if I was any better and it scared me that the answer had been no. I tried to hide the look of panic on my face and turned towards Jacob. I moved my hair from my face and he looked at me like I was going to break.
"How are you?" he finally asked "And don't downplay it, you know I'll see right through it"
I shrugged "I'm not any worse but not any better either"
"Well it will get better"
I smiled slightly feeling the weight lift off my shoulders temporarily. Being here with Jacob made me feel like nothing was wrong. I was just hanging out with my best friend. I started laughing.
"You should see my therapist" I laughed "She hates me"
"How could she hate you?"
"I'm not giving her much to go on. Like I told Edward earlier, I don't like talking to strangers"
"But you won't talk to us either. Just give the lady doctor a chance"
"Her name is Linda" I told him
"Sorry, give Linda a chance" he mocked
I lightly punched his shoulder "Hey I'm trying"
"I know"
"I just don't understand it"
"What?"
"The love of my life left me and I survived. I'm marrying into a family of vampires and my best friends a werewolf. Numerous vampires have tried to kill me and the most powerful of them all still do. I'm going to have to say goodbye to my mom and Charlie and might not ever see them again. How can I deal with all that but I can't get over the fact that I was in a car accident?"
"Time Bella, Time"
"Well I wish time would go faster" I sighed
"Bella" Esme called from the house "Your mom is on the phone"
"Be right there. Can you help me get into the house?"
"Ya"
He placed his hands under mine and hoisted me up. It was a painful struggle to stand and I think Jacob could tell because he stopped.
"I'd feel a lot better if you let me carry you"
"I want to walk" I protested moving my feet
He didn't argue with me again as I continued to walk ahead of him and into the house. Esme handed me the phone. I noticed that Jacob went over to where Edward was standing and they were whispering to each other.
"Okay now open the door"
My hand rested on the handle of Edward's Volvo and I felt like every muscle in my body was frozen and I couldn't move. He had tried a new tactic since the therapy wasn't getting to the root of my problems, or so he says.
"I can't" I took my hand of the handle and backed away. He sighed.
"Sweetheart, nothing is going to happen. The car isn't even on"
He walked over and placed his hand on my back in an attempt to give me a little motivation. It also wasn't helping that I could see the rest of the family staring at us through the window. I felt like I was being judged by them and didn't want to look like a fool because I couldn't even open the damn door.
"Bella?" he asked
"I can't do it" I said again
"Yes you can" he pushed "Just open the door"
I took a deep breath and with a shaking hand I grabbed onto the handle. As much as I wanted to open the door and jump in, I literally couldn't. My mind wanted to forget and move on but my body wouldn't let me.
"You got this Bella" he encouraged "Don't think too much into it"
As soon as I heard the click of the door opening I got a flood a flashbacks. The guy trying to grab me at the gas station, the other car coming towards me, and lying in the ambulance praying that I wouldn't die. What if that man did hurt me? What if he took me and… My mind was starting to spin with all the memories and I had to turn away sharply from the car and cover my face. All I could do was cry.
"Hey hey, it's okay" he placed his hand on my shoulder and he pulled me into his arms "You're alright"
I wrapped my arms around him in a death grip and tried to slow my breathing. He squeezed me back, he must've heard how fast my heart was beating.
"I'm sorry" I pulled out of his arms and ran into the house, ignoring the family giving me weird looks. I slammed the door once I got to Edward's room then clamored up into bed, bringing my knees up to my chest.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to push you like that" Edward said walking into the room "I just want you to get better"
"And you think I don't? It's not like I'm not trying…I literally couldn't move"
"I know you're trying" he sat on the bed "And you'll get there
"Hopefully when you change me next month this fear will just fade"
I was waiting for him to comfort me but instead he stayed silent. What wasn't he telling me? By the look on his face I knew he was about to tell me something I didn't want to hear.
"You don't want to change me anymore do you?"
"I didn't say that and…"
"It's written all over your face"
He sighed and made sure I was looking at him before he continued
"I would change you right this second if it would help you but it won't. It would only make things worse. Your emotions are heightened significantly when you go through the change and I've talked to Carlisle about it and we both agreed that it would be best to push back your change"
"So you're saying you won't change me until I'm over this?"
"We're not rushing you and I know it will take time but yes…I will not change you until you get better"
"That's it" I yelled
I could do this. I jumped out of bed and stomped over to the door.
"Where are you going?" he asked
I ignored him and continued my descent down the stairs. I had to do this for myself. I was not going to live my life this way because now Edward refused to change me. I had to show him that I wasn't weak and I could do this, my life literally depended on it now. He followed me all the way outside and over to the car but his yelling for me didn't slow me down.
"I can do this" I said to myself
Like Edward told me earlier, don't over think it. So I reached out and placed my hand on the handle and with a nervous breath, I opened the door.
