Year 1

"Seriously, why couldn't we take Sam along, dad?" Dean grumbles as they walk through the sinister forest to hopefully get rid of an old witch Sam located, of course with the ever so present folder to go along the way.

"Because I said so, Dean," John retorts gruffly. He hates it when either of his sons is whining about his orders. What he says is rule, easy as that.

"Well, and why then? He did nothing wrong since… since ever!" Dean exclaims. And yeah, Sam had been a bloody saint since school was out – at least what the Winchester family considered as such. The folder-thing is a habit by now. Sam would only talk the most necessary words and majority of them were hunt-related, which sucked ass to Dean's liking since he desperately wanted Sam to muse about a new book he read or simply anything but hunting… Dean didn't catch Sam very often being rebellious in any way, and if he did, it was mostly because he wanted to push on a hunt to get going, something like that, and their dad was all over him for that. And that was when Sam dropped the topic in defeat or bit his lip till they bled. However, Sam truly did nothing wrong anymore, and Dean actually missed that, missed it a lot.

"Yeah, and took him long enough to finally get this straight," John snorts.

"Argh, not that again!" Dean mutters.

"What?" John shrugs indifferently.

"You know what my opinion on that issue is and I really don't see that much of a great thing in that!" Dean exclaims.

"So why did you want to have me alone on that one? Sam's the best informed about that bitch. He even looked up all the stuff about the rituals and so on. He could probably recite the whole damn thing while I would have to read out loud that stupid sheet he wrote for me instead. I seriously don't get it why you leave the one expert at home, dad," Dean murmurs as they proceed through the muddy ground and brushes. After all, that is not part of the game, not even now. Dad actually developed the habit to give Sam bigger roles each time, allowing him to take the lead at times, all the things he definitely didn't do when Sam was still Sam. Normally dad takes him along as the walking dictionary – he even said that in front of them both and Dean still hates their dad for that – to ask for information or locations or exorcisms, and one can be absolutely sure that Sam will know it all. However, this time, even with both Dean and Sam complaining about it, the father wouldn't withdraw, but persistently stated that Sam would not come along, no way.

"I wanted to talk to you alone, that's why," John sighs.

"And a hunt is the best occasion to do that? Wouldn't it be better to, you know… send Sam out to get food or… tell him to leave the room since he'd all obediently actually do so? Something like that didn't come to mind?" Dean grimaces. That certainly isn't the usual procedure of handling a talk, even for their standards, such a request of going on a hunt to have conversation is considered weird.

"I don't want him to know that we had that conversation, and Sam doesn't take long to get food, you know that. Even if we sent him all the way across town, he'd be back in no time. He'd walk in on us, most likely. So the hunt was the only possibility to get you alone," John explains. Dean bites his lip at that. He actually has to agree with his dad on this one, and it stings a little, too. Sam never takes long to get food, he used to, long time ago, when he would take his time, take in his surroundings for the beauty or curiosity of it and not just because he suspects a demon or so. However, now Sam is always hustling to be back ASAP, even if Dean told him several times he didn't have to rush it – because there is really no need. And there is no sense in sending Sam elsewhere. Dean tried couple of times to get Sam into not-hunt-related-activity, walked up to Sam as he stood in the room, pressed a crumbled ten-dollar bill into his younger sibling's hand, and told him to go see a movie, or do something, anything, he liked. If Sam didn't, "by accident," leave the money on the counter, he would either come back with something for Dean, would come back with fifty because he used it to hustle cards, and Sam is really great at that, buy food, or come back with new information on the current hunt. Dean still tries sometimes, even if he knows that he won't have success and is seeing that this money will never be spent the way the older brother wants to see it spent. For Sam there is no sense in going to the movies anymore or flirt with some girl with a few nice drinks or go to concert, anything, because he stopped being a child long time ago.

"Okay, Sherlock, so what is the matter now?" Dean huffs. However, his father won't even twitch at the sharp comment – uncommon, so this can't mean anything good.

"I ask you for a favor," John begins.

"Do you finally give it a shot and try another haircut?" Dean jokes.

"Dean, leave it. This is serious," John snaps. It doesn't take a genius to realize he is tensed.

"Okay, okay, sorry, Sir, so what is it?" Dean apologizes, searching his father's face for a hint, but he finds no obvious clue for that weird turn of atmosphere just now. Is it just him or should he have taken the thicker coat because damn, it feels cold all of a sudden!

"This is…" John exhales.

"Yeah?" Dean frowns.

"Uhm…" John grimaces, fidgeting for the words.

"Dad, c'mon, you're not the one to tiptoe around the bowl of milk, so just make the damn jump," Dean exhales, even if the nervousness is present in his voice.

"So listen. I… I have to take off for a while," John sighs heavily.

"Take off for a while? What do you mean by that?" Dean grimaces, feeling more than uncomfortable. He has a really dark suspicion, but that is so far out of this world, it can't be… or can it?

"I got a hint on the demon to finally get him by the balls," John explains drily.

"So? Then we should go there," Dean grimaces. Why would that be a matter John had to discuss with him alone, on a hunt? And take the hunt by himself?!

"No, I… there is no "we" this time… I… I have to do that by myself, Dean, alone," John states, much to Dean's shock.

"What?! Dad, you can't be serious! You gotta be kidding me! This has must some kinda joke! We always hunted together! Okay, Sam and I took a few by ourselves by now, but when it was about the demon… we always stayed together. What the hell, dad?" Dean exclaims utterly shocked.

"I'm not kidding you, Dean," John speaks drily.

"CHRISTO!" Dean exclaims, totally at a loss. He must be possessed, driven insane by some ritual or ghost. This simply can't be!

"Dean, I am not possessed or anything," John rolls his eyes, even if he is kind of proud his oldest is always on alert about these things.

"Well, you gotta be if you think about taking off!" Dean grumbles. That is not him, that is not his dad, no!

" It's important, really important, Dean. It is necessary that I go… alone… If I tail the demon that killed your mom, then it will be that hunt alone, just this one thing and nothing else. I realized that we are way too often distracted with other work – so much – that we forget the most important gig after all. However, someone has to continue with the other hunts, too, saving people, hunting the bad things out there. I told you several times before – that is our mission, or responsibility, the same way. And for that I need you two, Dean, you and your brother. I need you to carry on with the other hunts while I'll tail the demon," John speaks confidently.

"What kinda crap is that, dad? The number-one-reason why we are hunting is that damned demon! That's always been what you said and that's what you crushed into our heads since that night! We hunt coz of that thing that killed mom! And now we are one step closer to finding him, one step closer to the goal you set as Sammy's and my goal in life – and you don't want us in on that one? What about us, huh? Why don't we get to come with you? I really don't understand it! Why do we have to go on roasting Gremlins and all that shit while you are after the real deal!?" Dean exclaims angrily. Really, John had set their entire life around finding Azazel – everything – and now they both accustomed to that life, accepting the fact that their purpose in life was to find their mom's killer. That is why Dean had endured the childhood taken from him, that's why he had gone along with Sam being dragged into the business rather than having at least a taste of normalcy he never got to know, really. And now that they may get their chance to make that son of a bitch pay for all the sacrifices they had to make for his kill – their dad is going to do it solo?! And leave them to a life of meaningless hunts at the same time? How can he actually mean that?!

"Dean, that demon has priority. We have to get him," John sighs.

"Oh, and that's why you wanna get rid of the ballast, just take the most necessary baggage along with you? Is that the matter?" Dean retorts angrily. He can't even believe his father is saying this. He doesn't want them along because they are a burden to him? After all those countless times they saved his ass at the stake of their lives the same way? Suddenly they are no longer worth to put up with? How can a father actually say that to his son and still look at him feeling… right?!

"Dean, you know that I don't regard you that way, but you gotta realize that even if that demon is our number-one-reason to hunt, the other monsters out there can't be ignored. Dean, as a hunter you have to protect the people, yes?" John shoots back.

"Yeah," Dean grumbles. If it is one thing they learned over the past years, then it is that – regardless of the personal dangers – they safe people with what they do, they do something good. And if they only went after the demon, there would be many more victims, more people dead and more monsters out there.

"And that is why I need you to carry on with the other hunts. You save the people from the other scum while I tail the demon that killed your mother. I am confident you two will do just fine, the two of you together. I taught you everything I know. You two are ready for that," John speaks confidently.

"We are not ready for that, dad!" Dean argues. No, they are not ready to part from their father, give up on the mainframe of life – the family.

"Yes, you are, Dean. You have to be. You took hunts by yourselves by now, and you did perfectly fine, better than that, you and your brother showed perfect teamwork. Plus, you're not alone, son. You still have one another, keep that in mind. Now Sam is the hunting partner you need and you are the partner he needs, easy as that. I am no longer that necessary for that. I am more useful tailing that demon while you take care of the rest, Dean," John disagrees.

"You gotta be kidding me, really! Is today April-fools or something?!" Dean cries out in desperation. This has to be a joke. This simply can't be – no.

"Dean, listen…" John tries.

"No, I won't listen to this! This is just… no!" Dean exclaims, not knowing how to process that.

"Dean, it's the best we can do, to be the most effective – and that is what we need when it comes to hunting, you know that," John throws in.

"And why am I the one to get to hear all this now? Why isn't Sam with us to hear the grand news, too?" Dean argues, using the sarcasm as a matter of self-protection because it is really hitting the teen right in the midriff at the moment and he would rather crack up crying just now as it feels worse than any pain he suffered through so far.

"I don't think it's a good thing to have him in on that one. He will push to… to… you know, come along, find out where I am, go after me rather than accepting that we have to split up. He would tail me, hitchhike, run all the way if it had to be, anything, you know him the best, son, he's way too stubborn" John explains drily. And yeah, Sam would exactly do that – even if Dean had him tied to some chair, Sam would bite his own arms off if that meant he could escape and go after their dad.

"Understandable reaction for a teen who just finished up school a year ago and is going to be dumped by his father after he held him close for his entire life…," Dean retorts furiously. After all, it is only understandable that a son doesn't accept the fact his father wants a solo-life from now on and leave him with his bother to still risk their lives – but only for the scum of it, so that dad has it easier with the big gig.

"Well, yeah, okay, given, but back then I didn't think I would get a hint that fast, that good, that damn close, Dena. I thought it would take at least a couple of more years to get there… till you were both older… but now the chance is there. We have to embrace it, son," John argues.

"Oh, okay, that is reassuring," Dean grumbles with a roll of his eyes. Sam is not the only one good at this, even if the younger sibling used to be an expert for that, before, when he was still joking around and less robot-like.

"Don't give me that," John says angrily.

"I give you all I want since that is the same thing you wanna do, so lick it," Dean grumbles.

"Dean, you are not to talk to me like that," John sighs. He gets it that this upsets his oldest, but that doesn't mean he has a free-pass for bitching around and being disrespectful.

"And you are not to leave either, dad, still you plan on doing it!" Dean retorts.

"It has to be because the chance is finally there, Dean. And the time turned out to be perfect anyways. I mean… Since Sam is out of school… he finally became the hunter that was kept dormant within him all this time. He'll do a good job at being your hunting partner, I know now. He proved a couple of times by now that he is. I mean… I never saw him that tight in his actions, as confident with the weapons, putting the required effort into sparring and all that, the training, the research until now… his mind is out of the clouds and that will help the both of you a great deal when you are on your own. That means you are safer, Dean. He finally is the partner you need to pull this off, just the two of you…," John explains, but Dean interrupts him in a harsh voice.

"He always was the partner I needed, dad. He always, always had my back! All those years he did! He always watched out for me, on a hunt, at home, at school! Always! Don't you ever dare say that again! That is not for the matter! Sam always has my back, the same way I have his – and that has absolutely nothing to do with his change since school's out! And the great things you see in Sam's change are aspects I certainly start to hate about him! He slowly but surely becomes a hunting robot! I hate the damned folders, I hate his shrugging, the way he moves, I hate the way he walks because it's nothing it like it used to be, I hate the way he talks now, that the only reading on his nightstand is no longer a version of "The Old Man and The Sea" – but instead a manual for "Advanced Bow Hunting – Extended Version," I hate it that he runs five miles a day, even before the training, I hate the bruises I see because of his solo-training coz he feels the urge to catch up on things I don't even see as something he lacks, I hate his not-talking-back-attitude, I hate his way too perfect aim, I hate his self-punishment for messing up, that he is always beating himself up over your and my approval, I hate it all because your so precious new Sam is… is not the Sammy I carried out the night mom died. That is a completely new person, and I swear to God I want the other one rather than this one just now! And you… you actually appreciate that, you show him that every single day, you even push him further into the hole without ever thinking of the consequences! You don't even see how far Sam distanced himself from… from himself!" Dean exclaims. He wanted to tell John in a while, but just now turned out to be the perfect occasion since John shows the desperate need to share something with the group.

"You are being too dramatic, Dean. Sam's just… he's just falling into line, finally. We are not arguing anymore, he is on his highest level of skill now…," John shoots back, ignoring Dean's pleas that lay within that message more than clearly.

"Yeah, you are not arguing as much because he simply gave up! He gave in, he resigned! You even realize that Sam is biting his lower lip till it's bleeding when he gets another blow from you for whatever reason? He surely never did that when you still tried to verbally bite each other's heads off! True, you don't butt-head the way you used to, but the arguments… they are simply left unspoken, nothing more. That is the only reason why they are not visibly there, but they exist, dad. You just don't wanna see them because you're too pleased with the way Sam sucks it up!" Dean exclaims furiously. Sam always bit his lower lip when he was frustrated or sad because of their dad, but never did blood trickle down his face until all this make-over-thing started. Now Dean has to take the younger sibling aside after a non-argument with their dad, make the kid sit down, and clean him up because Sam – in that state – doesn't even realize the blood, doesn't feel the pain, he is too busy staring into nowhere, since he is even unable to hold eye contact with his brother once he is in that situation, and flexing his fists to control himself so that he doesn't get angry, so that he doesn't cry, so that the wall doesn't crumble, falter, fall.

"Yeah, finally my education is showing off, Dean. We both told him that he had to start to suck things up, but before, he simply refused and was bitching about everything and nothing," John argues.

"Well, so? He usually had a point there, not always, but many times! And that's not even the matter, dad, what is important is that he… At least he was truthful to himself back then! He was still Sammy, but now… now he's…," Dean shoots back, but he doesn't have the words for that description. Sure, this is still his younger brother, but at the same time he can't believe this teenager is supposed to be his little Sammy anymore.

"Sam is still your brother!" John retorts.

"Of course Sam is still my brother and I don't love him any less because of this! Sam's my kid brother. I carried him out of the flames. The bond between us is far stronger than anything I know. I love him more than I could ever love anything else in the entire world or universe even! That's not going to change, ever! But… you do realize that… that Sam's making those changes for you just as well? He does it to please you, dad. He wants your approval! That's the reason for the folders, that's the reason for the rough training, for the not-bitching! And now that you… you finally… that he finally gets the feeling he is hitting the right course with you… then you plan on taking off without even telling him something about it? You can't do that, dad. You can't do that to him, please, I beg you. You gotta talk to Sam. You have to tell him!" Dean almost pleads now, for Sam, for him. He believes neither one could take that, no he knows.

"No, Dean. Your brother is best off with him not knowing until I am across the borders or even further and he has no chance of tracking me down. If he knew, we would only run the danger he goes after me and perhaps something happens to him along the way, we can't risk that… He'll be down for some time, given, but then he'll deal with it and will understand that it needs to be done. He is a hunter long enough to figure the reasoning once he pushed the irrational feelings away and sees things clearly. But he will have to deal with those irrational feelings until he gets there. And for that I need you, Dean. You have to watch your little brother during that time especially. You have to keep him grounded, have to make sure he doesn't come looking for me. You have to convince him that you have to work on the hunts, have to pick up where the three of us left off. You have to watch him," John says rather forcefully.

"Don't you want to say to watch out for him?" Dean retorts angrily. It sounds like Dean is not supposed to play bodyguard, but the police officer with handcuffs to get Sam to shut up if needed.

"That of course, too, but you do that the very best when you watch him, Dean, closely. Sam is under control right now. He's tamed. It's a critical state and he might just jump back to being a rebellious punk who would rush to any state to find me, at any costs. We can't afford that, son," John argues.

"I can't believe you say that! Sam's not an animal! He doesn't need to be tamed! Sam is a human being, he is your son for Chrissake!"Dean shouts, feeling incredibly furious now. He isn't even sure if he is really looking into the face of his father now because those words… they are too surreal to be true, they simply can't be true.

"And because he is my son I have to protect him. I have to protect the two of you! I have to separate from you because I have to, Dean. I don't have another choice! That is the only thing I can do. I know the timing is crappy and I wish it would work in a different way, but believe me when I say that this is the only way out," John says, sounding a little more emotional for his standards. Dean glances at him, disbelieving. He even heard a flicker of a sob within John's voice.

"Oh, and I don't have any say in this? I mean, you bring me out here to talk, but… but your plan's already set, right? You didn't tell me so we could discuss this – you knew from the start that this was the way things are to happen, before you even opened your mouth. So why all this? Why even bother about that conversation? Have me in on that bloody secret? Why do you tell me any of this? You could have just as well told me nothing and then when the time comes, you just leave a note and what? 100 bucks? Like you used to when we were still kids! Why did you let me in on this secret if… if this is the outturn anyways?" Dean questions, now with tears standing in his eyes. Now that the secret starts to unfold in front of his eyes, the teen doesn't want to know what is inside that Pandora Box anymore. He just wants to close it and never open up again, simply forget that it actually exists.

"You are strong, Dean. You are the big brother. And you're the one person Sam always listens to eventually. To you, he will listen. And that is crucial. You have to keep a calm head in the situation. I need you to do that one thing for me. Keep Sam away from me for a couple of days when the time comes and then you just… then you just go back to simply being the big brother you are. You are there for him, help him cope with it. You help Sam, Sam will help you… and after some time… you two continue hunting and… and soon after things will get better, Dean…," John assures the younger man.

"Sounds terrific! Now you want me on this one as your third man, to betray Sam in such a way? Lie to him? You want me to work behind Sam's back and still greet him with a "good morning" fuckin' everyday as if nothing of the shit's ever happened!? As if this talk didn't happen or that you told me about your fuckin' plans beforehand?! I'm supposed to comfort him even though I knew this pain was to come from the very start – and I didn't prevent it!? You actually burden your own sons with such a… a… betrayal?" Dean retorts, both angrily and sadly at the same time.

"Dean, you are not betraying your brother. You're just not telling him where I am coz you don't even know. That is not lying to someone. You don't know about it and… for the rest… you simply leave him in the dark about this conversation. And besides that, you calm him, that is all, there is nothing wrong with that," John argues.

"It is, everything is wrong about that! What you just said is not a lie is what you told us to be a lie since I can remember! Not telling the truth is the same thing as telling a lie! Dad, that's what you taught us all those years and demanded from us, if not for the job! And anyways! How am I supposed to calm Sam, huh? After his own father in the blood ditches him?!" Dean exclaims. What words would suffice to offer comfort in such a situation? Especially for Sam? How could the older brother actually calm him down after he learned that their own father left them and that he didn't tell him about it? How? Is there some kind of ten-points-plan that will cover up for that? Then, fine, but if not, then their dad can take it and shove it right up his ass!

"I don't know, Dean just tell him something. You know I never had the vibes with him, not like you do. You will come up with something for sure. He always listens to you. Already as a kid," John grimaces.

"Yeah, but how am I supposed to look him in the eye and tell him what I always told him, that it's going to be alright? How am I supposed to tell him such a lie, something that always meant truth for the both of us? I promised him to make it better and in some way I always managed, sooner or later. You can't take that away from me, dad, please. That will destroy everything. This will… Sam will no longer trust me and those words. They'll become meaningless," Dean yells. When Dean comforted Sam, he would always tell him that it'll be alright, and even if he could not always fix the core problem, he made it better in some other way. He took Sam to the movies after a bad argument with their dad, or he stayed with him for the rest of the night when the nightmares were too much to handle for his kid brother, pat his back and hum some soothing song so the kid felt a little better and safer. Dean could always do something, but if those words were used as a lie, for John, then Sam would lose faith in those words, and eventually in Dean, too, because it has always been Dean to tell him so and it has always been Dean's promise to Sam, building the mainframe of a trust going deeper than normal people can imagine. And Dean doesn't want to lose that faith because that will take Sammy away from him, even more than he already is by now. John simply can't do that to him!

"Dean, you're exaggerating. If you sell it the right way, then…," John tries, but is interrupted by Dean:

"Right, and that is the core problem! I can't sell that to Sam! This always meant a promise. And you don't sell a promise. You make it and keep it!"

"Dean, c'mon," John sighs.

"No, I don't even get this! Why should I hold him back? Tell him those lies? Shouldn't I better go ahead and confront him with the truth? Like you do so many times?" Dean huffs. John always confronted Sam with the truth. "Sam, we are leaving now and no, you don't get the chance to tell anyone goodbye. We leave in five," "Sam, this monster will kill you if you give it the chance, it will rip out your guts and eat them while you watch them convulsing for the last time, yeah, just like that," – and John really had said that to his thirteen-year-old son on one of the first hunts – "Sam, dream-time is over, you gotta focus on the hunts from now on, or else you get Dean or I killed. And do you really want that, huh? Do you really want that? Do you want Dean killed, huh? Huh? Huh?" "Yeah, Sam, that is your mother, yeah, she is dead, so don't ever ask again, now read the exorcisms I gave you," – and that was when Sam was still too small to understand what really happened to his mum and still believed she died in a car accident and he just searched for a photograph after Dean had told him how pretty she had been, and Sam wanted to know how she looked like, of course John didn't know and care for that – "Sam, this is your fault," – and that was after any injury Dean suffered, even if it hadn't been Sam's fault – "Not good enough, again," – after every damn shot Sam made with any kind of weapon, Sam could have bull's-eyed the thing and still it wasn't good enough for the great John Winchester – "Sam, you can be so worthless at times," – after every damn argument in all kinds of variations – "Sam, come here, you little shit, I'm talking to you, young man!" – only to rule over Sam and give him the last blow to crash and shatter even the last fragments of Sam's pride or happiness – "Sam!" – when Sam wouldn't listen and still turned his back to him, even if he could barely hold back his tears, only to prove his point, even going as far as to leave just because the youngest couldn't stand the mal treatment anymore – "SAM!" – always the last blow to make him turn around and go to the room, or run the other damned lap, even if he fainted after that. Yeah, normally, John always is the one to confront one with reality, or at least what he considered as such, right in one's face.

"This is a matter of precaution, to protect Sam, believe me. It's for the boy's good," John tries to assure the younger man.

"And what is for my good doesn't matter in this? That I will have to live with that betrayal? Will have to face Sam everyday and hope he doesn't see my lie? You really believe I can live with such a lie for the rest of my life? If I ever get that far coz even you said that Sam is the best of the family reading people. He looks me in the eyes just once… and he'll know something's off. He always knows, just by the tone of my voice, dad. Sam will know right away. He will simply know! And believe me, if he finds out… he will hate me, dad, he will hate me for that, my little brother is going to hate me, and I couldn't even blame him. He will run away and will never-ever talk to me again. He will hate me for not telling him, for the rest of his life and he will only remember me as the big brother who broke his heart and told him such a lie, broke the promise I gave him. You can't do that to me, dad. You can't take Sammy away from me!" Dean cries. No, that his father considers leaving his bad enough, but the thought that John might have the power to take the most precious thing on earth from Dean away on tops of everything, that is too much, simply too much. Dean would rather drown himself in a lake than living without his kid brother.

"No one is taking Sam away. You exaggerate, Dean," John argues, visibly uncomfortable about his son crying for that reason.

"Yeah, well, that's easy to say for the dude who won't have to bother himself with putting up with Sam after said person set off for a hunt on his own!" Dean retorts angrily gritting his teeth.

"Dean, believe me that it is not an easy choice I make. I really would rather stay with you to protect you, but I… I don't have a say in this one. I bothered my head over this and I figure this is the best shot I have to offer. My resources are limited, too," John explains, almost apologetically.

"Screw that, dad! I am not going to help you on that on! That is simply… too much! You can't demand that from me, no!" Dean exclaims.

"Dean, I need your help! I can't do it without you! This has to be done!" John argues.

"No, simply… no! You are on yourself on that one, dad! I simply can't help you on that way, no," Dean shakes his head.

"Dean!" John exclaims.

"I'm not going to play punching ball for you! I am not going to make both of us the sacrifice for your damned wish to hunt down that fuckin' demon!" Dean states, gritting his teeth grimly.

"Oh, so you don't want to catch him?" John shoots back.

"Of course I want to get the demon by the balls, but not that way. This is not… right, and you know that, dad!" Dean disagrees. To him it is just as much of a matter of heart as it is to John. This bastard killed his mother, for Chrissake. Dean wants to see that dude ripped apart shred by shred, but not at Sam's cost, not in a lifetime. Then Dean would rather stop hunting the bastard if that meant his Sammy wouldn't be forced to go through such a hell.

"I am not going to change my mind, Dean. This will happen sooner or later," John says forcefully.

"Oh, so now it's an ultimatum? Well, that is just outrageous, dad! This is getting better and better by the minute!" Dean exclaims sarcastically. That is his way of handling a situation that grave. Sarcasm has always Dean's matter of protection, to put up his self-defenses.

"Well, Dean, you don't leave me much of a choice here… and even if I honestly don't like to put things that way… once I am gone… what is the best to do with Sam? Is it going to be good for him to allow him to chase me? Drive himself nuts on the search across the US?" John quarrels.

"Oh wow, once again, that is so adult of you, dad. Now you try to put the blame on me?" Dean questions ironically, though sadness lies within every word he speaks.

"No, Dean. Just think about what is the best for Sam," John argues, now sadly, too.

"Best would be if you stayed," Dean snorts.

"No, it's not. There are aspects about this that I can't tell you about, but you gotta believe me that the situation doesn't allow your safety when you are with me on that one," John explains, sounding rather credible with his words.

"Oh, great, well, that's reassuring coz you could probably get killed and we wouldn't even know it was happening! And you are there without any kind of backup! Yeah, awesome plan, dad, I am bound to say," Dean rolls his eyes.

"I'm not getting myself killed, Dean, but I am afraid I might get you two into trouble I can't get you out of. Please, believe me. It is just to protect you. That is all I am living for, to protect my sons. You are my family, the only one I got left. You are my sons. You have priority. I have to try anything to keep you safe, I gotta protect my family, even if it means I have to leave you… but that plan doesn't work with you and me together," John explains, swallowing a heavy lump that settled in his throat.

"And what is it that makes it so impossible for us to stay as a family?" Dean asks weakly.

"I wish I could tell you…," John sighs.

"Yeah, must be one great secret you're having, dad…," Dean snorts.

"It is, Dean. I… Now, look at me. I mean it. I can't tell you, even though I wish I could, from deep inside. I would love to tell you everything, but I can't…," John speaks, looking Dean right in the eye, and the younger man can see tears in his eyes, honest tears, desperate tears. Dean's shoulders slump at that. Is their dad really that far out of resources that this is the only way out? If that is the case… then the situation must be really desperate. Dean can't remember the last time he saw his father cry.

"Dad, this is getting out of control," Dean states faintly.

"I know that, Dean, believe me. I wish I could change it, but… this is simply out of my league. I have to work on this and I need you to watch Sam. I need your help, Dean. I can't do it alone," John speaks.

"You don't know how this is going to turn out," Dean argues gloomily.

"I don't, but when do we know?" John retorts sarcastically, though teary.

"Never," Dean sniffles.

"So will you help me?" John asks.

"I don't know, dad… this is simply… I have to think this through…," Dean says weakly, uncertainly. He doesn't know what is right or wrong anymore. His entire world was turned upside-down without him seeing it coming. At first, in the beginning of that conversation, Dean couldn't have been surer of what is black and what is white, about John leaving them, about lying to Sam, but now that he looked into his father's desperately pleading eyes… all changed. If he is that desperate, then maybe it really is the only chance he has, gong away and all? Who is he supposed to believe in? What is right? What is wrong? What is the best for all of them? What is the best for Sam? Where the hell did they go wrong so that things turned out that way?!

"You have to," John sighs, pleading a little.

"I just don't know how I am going to make Sam buy that story, if I actually agreed to this…," Dean says mindfully.

"Then you have to be convincing, Dean. We all have to make sacrifices in this. Believe me that I don't want to leave you two, but it's necessary. We don't get to choose sometimes and even if it is unfair at times, we still have to do it because there is no one else to do it, Dean," John reminds his oldest son. He delivered that speech so many times that any of them lost count of it.

"And why is it always us?" Dean sighs. Really, why their family? Why them? Isn't it enough that they already lost their mom to this job? Isn't that sacrifice enough? Or isn't it enough demanded from a family to kill beasts for such a long time? Why are they dragged into things bigger than them, darker than anything one can know? Why is it the Winchesters and always the Winchesters having to make the sacrifices for the world?

"Because we are seemingly able to cope with it, Dean. We can take it because our family is so strong," John says, trying to sound confident through his cracked voice.

"I hope you don't overestimate our bonds, dad. Right now I am afraid our family – as we used to be one – is falling apart in front of our eyes," Dean argues gloomily. And that is because the hope of this family, the baby boy, is tearing himself to shreds. If Sam gets lost, then this family will be damned just as well. Sam, so his mother had always said, was the sunshine of this family because he giggled the sweetest and most innocent way either one of the Winchesters had ever witnessed. Sam made them all lighten up, even when times were gruff, at least that used to be the case. For Dean this applies till today, but if Sam breaks, if the damage becomes that irreparable, then the Winchester family will only be a heap of shards that falls into sinister silence as time carries on in a wicked carousel as it turns around and around and around and around.

"For now let's not think about it, Dean. I think we are close by the house of that bitch! There is white smoke, that way," John suddenly exclaims, pointing at the line of thin white smoking ahead of them. Dean knows that feelings are left home when they are on the hunt, or for now the forest has to serve as a home because if they want to get that bitch, they have to be on it a hundred percent.

"Guess what…," Dean then says, faintly, gulping twice.

"What?" John frowns.

"Probable locations," Dean exhales, through pursed lips.

"Yeah?" John grimaces.

"Sam marked a map for us beforehand, with a hot zone… but he also marked off most likely places. He hit the target head-on…," Dean sighs.

"Well, you see? Sam's getting better at this job. Give it some time and he'll handle anything," John smirks, now looking so fucking confident in his words and belief that this plan of his is to work out – perfectly – as if this conversation didn't even take place.

"I wouldn't be so sure of that… I wouldn't be so sure…," Dean sighs as they walk up to the small wooden house and Dean doesn't even squint to finish that bitch off, he actually finds somewhat pleasure in letting out all the anger and frustration on that woman. His mind is set on Sam anyways and what is best for him and what is going to happen to him.