Your reviews were most appreciated last chapter :D
This chapter we start touching more on Juice's… crazy side that showed through in season 6. The Juice in this story is not the grinning, goofy Juice from the earlier seasons. He's been through a lot, so you have been warned….
Thanks goes to OctoberMarieDavis and Teamblaus4eva for letting me bounce ideas around with them and for their help :D
Chapter 9
I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed, get along with the voices inside of my head,
It was too damn bright outside. I squinted my eyes away from the beams of sunlight hitting me while I walked up and down the sidewalk with Emelie.
We'd met up at the soup kitchen as planned, I damn sure wasn't missing it today. I was almost flat broke. Two more days until payday. I'd sworn over and over that I wasn't going to touch the money I had hidden away. That was for things I really needed. Like a place to live. Tampons. Fake nails for work. Damn work was costing me cash now too.
"I've never been back here before." Emelie said looking around us at the azaleas that were gigantic.
Charming Gardens had always been a favorite place of mine even when it was rundown and the weeds taking over. I could picture a million different shots if I only had a camera to do it with. The different shades of pink were gorgeous mixed in with the purples planted so close that they were blending into one colorful bush.
I slurped on my Icee while we walked at slow, leisurely pace with no rush to be anywhere else. "Its pretty huh? I used to walk out here a lot when I lived at home to escape for a while."
"Funny… you spent so much time not wanting to be there, and now you need to be." Emelie smiled knowingly, adjusting her own bag of belongings around on her back.
"Mmm.. Its not so bad anymore. I wish I had something besides the couch at Diosa but its not the street. It get s a little awkward if I sleep in Nero's room then he comes in too." I crunched down on the little pieces of ice that hadn't melted yet. "I really like working there."
Emelie elbowed me with a sly grin on her freckled face. "Oh yeah? Enjoy your job much?"
I blushed but I laughed along with her remembering the things I'd filled her in on from the past two days that I'd missed meeting her at the soup kitchen. I hadn't told her much about the Juice day. That was.. For me. The next night I'd been busy as hell with odd jobs. Letting someone lick syrup from my toes, massaging a guy's disgustingly hairy chest, and my personal favorite so far since it was the easiest…. Three weirdoes had offered to buy my panties for $50. Sold.
"There's a few perks." I flipped my hair over my shoulder sliding down onto the concrete bench we'd walked up on. "The eye candy isn't so bad all the time."
She eyed me then shook her head sitting down on the other end so that she could prop her feet up. "So you have a favorite then."
My eyes dropped down to look at my bright blue Icee in my hands. "Not really no.."
Emelie wasn't about to let it drop there. "Liar. Who is it? That friend of yours? Rat? Hmm.. One of the business type guys? A sugar daddy type?"
"Wrong, wrong, and wrong." I stuck my blue tongue out at her. "There's one guy.. I kinda hope he comes back honestly. And eww… I so don't want to picture Rat naked."
"Do you know him outside of there?"
I shook my head letting my gaze travel over to the redwood across from us. "No." There was a slight hint of disappointment in my voice.
"But you want to.. " She accused pulling her hair up into a sloppily done ponytail.
"I don't know." I frowned thinking on that. Did I want to know Juice outside of Diosa? I knew I definitely wanted him in the physical sense… but I also knew I didn't really like him Oding. Plus.. He hadn't came back yet after saying he would. "I think he's out of my league."
"Meaning what? You have the right equipment. Just.. Do that flirty routine of yours. Wear one of those dresses that looks like it belongs to a stripper in Stockton." Emelie fiddled with her bag again. "Maybe he'll turn out to be a nice guy with a place of his own."
Rolling my eyes, I got up to throw my Icee cup away. Juice wasn't a nice guy. Juice was…. Something that I hadn't figured out just yet.
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Business was slow. Like.. Really really slow. I hadn't done anything all night except make a couple of drinks to help Lyla out while she did some orders. It was a waste to have put on my full face of make up tonight. A complete waste of the hour it took for me to straighten every inch of my hair out. And a waste of a perfectly good outfit that I'd have to ask Lyla or Nero about using the washer for before it wrinkled.
I didn't look bad. Plain black pants that hugged me like a second skin, hooker heels of course, and a silvery flashy looking halter that I'd chosen to leave the bra off with. Not bad at all. I thought the overall effect made me look a bit more hooker than office worker. The only bad thing was that if I bent over, my thong went up and pants went down. It seemed a little too risqué to leave the panties off too.
Erin was propped up on the couch with a Mojito in one hand, cell phone in the other. "You look good tonight Fingers."
I glanced down at myself with a small smile when I looked back up. "Thanks.. I was going for classy instead of trashy."
We exchanged a knowing look before turning our eyes to the same two girls. One had cut off shorts on with a hideous leopard top, the other wore a dress I was pretty sure was a shirt originally. Bleach blonde hair. Not the good kind either. This was the typical California blonde that would leave you with a chemical haircut.
Erin downed the rest of her minty smelling drink through her straw that had lipstick impressions smeared all over it. "Could I bug you into making another one? Might as well soak up the free booze since the cash ain't comin as freely tonight."
I held my hand out for the glass before walking back towards the bar. "Sure thing. Want a double this time?"
"I better not. I have to pick my little boy up after this."
I kept forgetting she had a kid. The little rugrat had came in earlier with her mother and he'd terrorized the place. He'd ran around in circles lavishing the attention he was getting from the women in here until he didn't have a clean spot left on his chubby cheeks from the lipstick kisses. I grabbed a handful of ice from the compartment humming along with the song that was playing softly liking the pop music feel to it.
"Welcome to Diosa." Lyla's chipper tone called out letting me know that the door had opened.
I glanced up hoping to see an awkward old man wanting a massage. Oh shit.. It was him.. My hands shook making Erin's drink watching him push his sunglasses up before leaning down to talk to Lyla quietly. He really had come back. Next time the words echoed in my mind. This was it.
"Here you go doll." I walked back over delivering Erin's drink to her just as Juice walked away from Lyla headed to the Goddess Bar. "
Erin winked at me nodding at Juice.I couldn't stop the stupid gin grin before forcing myself to walk at a normal pace back to the bar. He was standing there waiting. My stomach was fluttering nonstop when I approached him. "Hey handsome."
Juice was back to looking like he had the first time I saw him. A cut on the cheek, and a nasty looking scrape along his chin. Those eyes that had been warm and laughing were now back to being empty and haunting. "Don't get too close. I have to make it home this time." He smirked at me.
I pretended to scoff at him sliding down onto the stool he was standing by sipping on his Miller. "I thought we went over that. It was your fault. You're just not used to a woman's touch. We could..,… Get you there though." I gave him a suggestive smile.
He pulled on his bottle again eyeing me the way I felt a wolf must look over its prey. There was definitely something going on in those eyes. "I think I got it covered." his mouth pulled into something that could have been a smile. "Those fingers of yours area little too much for me to handle tonight."
A feeling of shock shivered down my spine. As soon as the words left his mouth Erin came up with her 'come and get it' smile on her face. "Juice? Baby? I'm ready now, sorry you had to wait a minute." She slid a hand onto his bicep. "Everything's waiting."
Juice nodded at her, using the arm she wasn't touching to raise the bottle and drain the rest of the liquid out of it. He slid the empty back down before turning like he was about to walk away then stopped. His dark eyes looked over his shoulder at me with a hardness. "You look good kiddo." Then Erin whisked him away whispering into his ear.
I felt crushed. Squashed. Like a balloon with the air let out. My first instinct was to cry, pitch a fit, and do something very.. Immature and teenagish. But.. I reminded myself, I wasn't a teenager anymore. I was a woman working in a brothel. Juice was a paying customer, not my boyfriend or even close to being what I'd call a friend. I bit down hard on the inside of my cheek to help hold myself in check. No signs of weakness in front of anyone.
But Lyla knew. She walked over with a look of pity for me. "I'm sorry girl. He asked for her though. I suggested you, I swear."
"Hey no big deal. So he likes 'em a little older." I tried to shrug it off picking up Erin's abandoned Mojito glass and the crumpled up napkins.
"I don't think it was you hon. I think it was him." Lyla reassured me with a pat on my arm. "Maybe next time."
I tossed the rest of the drink down the sink avoiding looking at her. My eyes went to the clock hanging up above us instead. They'd been in there 5 minutes so far. My skin crawled but I couldn't help imaging what they were doing. Jealousy was taking over my mind little by little. 10 minutes. 15 minutes. What the fuck… how long did it take to blow him?
I snatched the cigarettes Erin had left up and yanked one out of the pack. She smoked menthols, I observed before lighting up. I felt no guilt in stealing one of her smokes. She'd stolen my client. No, he wasn't mine I sighed to myself silently. He'd made that clear when he called me 'kiddo'. And that sparked a whole different worry.
Nero was back. He was moving around the lounge shaking hands with a few of the long term clients, joking with the girls. I'd heard him and Gemma had broken up but so far, it hadn't affected him too much. Not that he'd let on anyways. When he made it over to where I was standing with Lyla in silence he nodded at both of us. "How's it been tonight?"
"Good" Lyla said at the same time I said "Horrible."
Nero looked between us quizzically as he rubbed his chin slowly. "Horribly good?" He joked dryly.
"She's just… having a slow night." Lyla explained elbowing me in the side of my silver top. "She thought.. Well.. I don know."
"I thought I looked old enough to be a hooker." I grumbled looking at the clock again. 30 damn minutes. What the fuck?!
Nero grinned just a little bit at me then Lyla. "Is that what the attitude is about Linds? The outfit? Everyone likes a young hooker. The right old guy just hasn't came in yet."
I knew he was trying to make me laugh. It wasn't working. "Maybe not. Maybe I'll take the next customer that asks about me. Get a second opinion."
"You look fine." He shook his head laughing at my grumpiness. "Maybe you should be drinking that instead of pouring it out."
Lyla was trying not to smile but couldn't help it when I stuck my tongue out at Nero. "I'm taking her home with me. Girls night after work."
That was news to me. My eyes jerked over to her. "What? Girls night? I don't…" my voice trailed off frowning. I'd never had a girls night.
"Yes. You, me, and my daughter. She'll still be up trust me." Lyla was moving around getting shot glasses out. "Here."
She lined up three of them in a row. One for each of us. I studied mine before picking it up. I'd never done shots. Not shots of Jack. We all raised them at the same time before downing them. "Alright, I got work to do. I'll be in the office if you need me." Nero nodded at us before grabbing his stack of papers and heading off.
45 minutes of Juice and Erin being together. Motherfucker. The Jack didn't anything but fuel my string of emotions. They were ranging from angry, humiliated, and jealous to sad, and nervous. Then they jumped all the way over to relieved when I saw Erin coming into the lounge with Juice.
I eyed her discretely as she walked him to the door like we were obligated to do. He didn't do any goodbye pleasantries, just nodded at her. If I would have looked away for even a second, I would have missed it. But when his hand touched the door handle, he looked over his shoulder in my direction. Or it might have been wishful thinking.
Erin came over to the bar where we were standing with a friendly enough expression on her features. "Are you pissed?" Was the first thing she said to me when she was within hearing.
"Why would I pissed?" I looked down at my nails away from her. "it's a freelance business."
"Because you're so into him you can't stand it and we all know it." Erin slid down onto a seat tugging on her shirt.
I didn't want to think about her stupid shirt being off of her and that was why she was adjusting it now. But I did. "I'm not into him. Really. I'm not upset. Why does everyone think that?"
A look passed between the other two women before Erin tried again to make peace with me. "I don't think you would have wanted him tonight anyways. He was a little too grabby. I'm gonna have marks all over my arms from him." She rubbed her tanned forearms as if to prove it.
"I picked up on that too." Lyla nodded quickly joining her in the fight to make me feel better about my humiliation.
"So I can't handle him. Maybe I can't handle anyone. Guess its because I'm just an inexperienced kid." I muttered more to myself than them.
"Just don't be mad 'kay? Business is business. I was just making my cash same as you." Erin reasoned so calmly that I couldn't help but feel bad about how bitchy I was being about the whole thing. "We're friends either way."
Friends. Maybe I'd been on the right path when I'd been friendless and alone if this was how having them made you feel.
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Girls night with Lyla and her daughter had been fun. We'd picked up burgers from the all night diner along with a bottle of wine and taken it to her place. I'd ended up staying two nights instead of the one. Lyla had asked me if I minded babysitting the second night, which of course, I didn't. It meant somewhere to sleep with cable TV and real food. Lyla's house was small and a little crowded. She'd explained to me with a faint smile that it'd been her husbands home with his first wife. They'd only had the two kids, and now there were three. Minus the husband.
I was still tired when I left Lyla's around 2 that afternoon walking down the street in Samcro corner with my oversize purse slung across my body. I'd left the backpack at Diosa after Lyla had argued me down that it wasn't necessary to tote everything I owned around when I could put it in Nero's room and leave it for the night. He didn't care. He'd looked content on drinking himself to bed whenever I'd slipped in to wave goodnight.
I shoved my hands into the pockets of the shorts I'd just been given, grateful for them in the scorching heat that was beaming down. It was hot as hell in Charming today. And I had to find something to do since it was my off day. I didn't want to go hang around Diosa and I didn't know where to find Emelie at to hang out with her.
The end of the sidewalk by the red light was the crossways for me. Left meant I was going into town, right meant I was walking out of it. Hmmm…. If I went into town I could go look at the bookstore again. But I didn't need to spend any money. I didn't really have anything to do outside of town either though. Not in the heat. I studied the walk light pondering my options when I heard the distinct sound of a motorcycle getting closer and closer.
It was coming from the right. The rider was familiar, vaguely. Then I realized it was Rat when he pulled over, letting the bike idle with a low rumble. "Where you goin?" He called out over the sound.
"No idea!" I yelled back walking closer when he held out the helmet towards me. "Where are you headed?"
"Parlor. Then to run a few errands. You up for it?" Rat turned his head slightly when I leaned closer to hear him better.
I slid the helmet over my still shower damp hair nodding quickly. I had nothing better to do. I paused at first when I climbed onto the bike behind him. I doubted I'd ever get used to swinging my leg over the side of this thing. Paranoia kept setting in making me think I was about to burn my calf when I was riding. Terror told me we were going to lay the thing down if I so much as moved the wrong way.
Rat was a careful driver though. He didn't try to impress me with sharp turns or speeding. If anything it seemed like he slowed down with me on the back. I'd always heard people say you felt free and flying on a bike but all I was feeling were the bugs hitting me in the wind. Talk about glamorous.
I ducked my head down using his shoulder as a bug guard for my face until he swerved into the Scoops n Sweets parking lot in front of the big glass windows. They'd actually opened the place up for business. Little kids were running out now with ice cream cones while the guy behind the counter waved at them. I frowned studying him a bit better. There was something off with his hands. I unsnapped the helmet to give back looking around curiously.
There was a few other bikes outside with the helmets hanging off of the handlebars. My stomach lurched at the thought of seeing Juice after being blown off last night by him. Rat pushed his glasses up. "Now… pray tell.. What in the hell were you wandering around the corner for?"
I grinned at him playing coy for a just a moment with a wide eyed little shrug then laughed some. "I stayed over at Lyla's and didn't get up when she left for work earlier. I was just trying to decide what I was doing today when you came along."
"Knight in shining leather huh?" He joked motioning for me to follow him. "It won't take me a but a sec in here. Gotta get paid."
I shrugged following after him like a puppy through the door. "Take your time. I'll just… get ice cream or something."
He grinned back at me making his mustache twitch in a way that set me off laughing again. "Jesus.. You really are a kid aren't you?"
I punched him lightly in the arm but laughed along with him already looking up at the menu that hung behind the counter. "I'm not the one wearing a porn 'stache to look older, am I?"
"The hooker boots are your own sad attempt." Rat threw back dodging my next playful hit at this chest. "Can I trust you not to run off while I go up?"
"Go" I waved him off moving up in the short line when the two girls ahead of me got handed their cups of candy from the jars. "I'll wait right here, swear it."
Rat raised his index and middle finger to his eyes in the "I'm watching you" motion walking backwards up the first couple of stairs before I rolled my eyes at him. I turned my attention to the counter when I heard a kind voice ask "What can I get for you?"
I studied his hands again. They were fake. How in the hell is he serving people with those things? I wondered. "Umm…. Chocolate waffle cone. Sprinkles on top." I was morbidly curious when he grabbed the ice cream scoop digging in like it was no biggie. He used both hands to do it.
He held the cone out to me after he'd put it together. "For the lady."
I gave him a small smile, appreciating that I'd been called a lady for once in my sad life. "How much do I owe ya… Chuck?" I'd spotted the name on his apron.
"On the house." Chuck said holding up a fake hand when I protested. "You're with Rat."
Ohh.. Ohhhhh. He thought… and so everyone else thought… my ice cream didn't look as delicious suddenly. My mouth felt like it had sawdust inside of it. "We're not.. We're friends." I tried to explain in vain despite his smile at me. "Is it cool if I sit over there?" I asked trying to change the subject quickly.
"Anywhere you want." Chuck replied with a little bow.
Hmm.. He was a strange one. I took my dripping cone over to the booth right by the window that had a clear piece of plastic hiding a hole in it. The streets were pretty busy for a Thursday. The parlor was getting lots of dirty looks and a few whines from kids that wanted to come in. Mothers shook their heads at them, dragging them down the sidewalk by their grimy little hands.
I was the only one still inside when I heard footsteps coming down the stairs in the back. Rat was walking down with his hands inside of his kutte, talking with Tig while Juice followed them down a couple of steps behind. I couldn't help but stare when he was in the blinding sunlight only this time it wasn't because I thought he was gorgeous.
Someone had beaten the shit out of him. His face was blackened with small cuts standing out thanks to the butterfly stitches that were holding the skin together. A cut above his eyebrow, his cheekbone, and another on his chin. Juice looked nothing like the man that had came into Diosa two nights ago looking for a good time. His eyes landed on me catching me in the act.
I didn't look away like I normally did. I held his gaze until he raised his chin in a "Get a good enough look?" gesture and scowled at me. Then I looked down at my half melted cone. This was just one more incident proving to me that I really didn't know anything about the man that I had a thing for. I had no idea what type of person he was beyond the sex appeal I saw.
Rat came over slowly still talking to Tig nodding at me now. "Just gonna run a few errands, I'll be around though if you guys need me."
Tig's cold blue eyes smiled at me in a way that I didn't like. "You kids have fun. Don't do anything I would do."
"The options are endless then bro." Rat laughed while Juice just looked grumpy. He didn't even speak to him, I noticed. He only glanced over his shoulder at his beaten brother. "You done with your ice cream?"
I gave the cone one last lick nodding while I stood up swinging my legs out of the booth with grace. "Yup. Chuck was nice enough to add extra sprinkles."
Rat rolled his eyes at me dramatically following me out of the swinging door. "So what'd you think of Chuckie's digits?" he asked with a grin.
"What in the hell are those things?" I burst out glad he'd brought up the subject before I did. I tossed the soggy cone into the trash can he was parked beside.
"His fingers obviously." He laughed holding out his helmet for me to take while he went to the bike beside his and grabbed another one. "Take mine. Tig has a spare."
I grabbed my hair stuffing it all to the side before putting the helmet on. "And what happened to Juice? He looks like he should be in his grave right about now. Jesus."
Rat was oddly silent now that the subject had turned to his friend. Finally he said "Juice is fine." in a way that told me it was a closed subject.
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Juice's POV
"I love you son"
Those were the words that Clay kept repeating while he loomed over me in the hallway that I was slumped down in watching everything fall into place. The meaning was perfectly clear, son not Son.
I couldn't look at him. I'd betrayed the closest thing to a father I'd ever known in my sad, pathetic existence. What kind of son did that? He'd kept my secret. I kept his. We were close. I'd grown to love this man not just because he was a brother and I had to. But because of how he treated me over the last few months. I was doing him wrong, so goddamn wrong to save myself.
Save myself for that though? I stared at my palms that covered my face, shielding my eyes from the dream Clay reaching out to me. Clay had a wife. But she was in on this too. Gemma was doing this with me. Gemma.
The scenery changed with a morph into Jax's kitchen. Everything was still as I stared at what had happened. Blood everywhere. So much blood. Tara was dead. Gemma was slumped over muttering. Eli. I killed him. I pulled my gun out and shot him without thinking twice.
Then I stared some more. I killed Roosevelt. So much more blood. Blood on my hands when I got rid of the evidence. Blood, blood, blood….. There hadn't been blood when another one of my victims shifted into focus.
Darveny. She was so pretty. Such a tiny little woman. Her son was dead. Because of my club. That she was dead because of me. I held the pillow down tight over her face, looking away so I didn't see if she was struggling back. It hadn't mattered. I was stronger. I killed her. A woman. That made it hurt so much worse. An innocent woman that had done nothing. She'd trusted me when I told her it was going to be okay.
But there had been no blood. My hands felt filthy. I could feel the scalding water as I scrubbed them over and over and over again. I'd scrubbed my face hundreds of times to get Miles' blood off of me. He was dead now. The young blondes gaping body after I'd shot him ppoint blank was staring at me. "Brother" he kept saying holding a hand out towards me. "Come on brother."
I reached a hand out towards him as he nodded at me. "Its better here. Come with me brother." I touched his hand jumping when the blood dripped down onto my knuckles. I stared down in horror ready to scream when I fell into the shallow grave with him while he repeated again "Come on brother."
My eyes flew open with a gasp of air that choked me. "Holy shit." I exclaimed from where I'd fell onto the floor from the couch.
It was a dream. It was all a dream. Funny thing was, it didn't feel like it. I held my hands up to my face for inspection feeling panicked. No blood. I touched my face next, no blood there either. But I could feel it, sticky and warm trickling down my body. I pushed off of the floor shakily not even caring that it was pitch black inside of my house when I hurried to my bathroom. I needed a shower.
The water was as hot as I could get it when I climbed up standing so that my front was hit head on with the blast. I knew deep down that this was pointless. I'd never feel clean again. Ever. I'd done this 4 times a week since the first one. Then it'd gotten worse and worse with each one that happened. With each life I took.
5. I'd taken 5 so far. The Russian. Miles. Clay. Darveny. The cop. And for what? I had nothing to live for, why had I taken life from people that deserved it? Well, maybe Clay hadn't deserved it as far as counting sins but still… I'd voted yes just like everyone else when the vote had fell on me. Then stood there feeling like a piece of shit when he told me thanks. The cop had been killed just for the purpose of us killing Clay. Two lives for nothing.
I hit the faucet down cutting off the water but stood there hunched over thinking before saying the obvious, "You're crazy Ortiz."
Was I losing it? Everyone else seemed to think so. I made them nervous they said. They didn't trust me, they weren't sure what to do with me just yet. Sons don't act like this Chibs had said, we'll let you know what we decide. Like I didn't know what they wanted to do. At this point, I had to wonder if they'd be doing me a favor. Then I wouldn't have the double shame of being crazy plus offing myself.
I climbed back out of the shower not even bothering to get dressed before walking down the dark hallway into my room. I knew my way around this place so well I didn't need to flip on the lights. I wasn't getting dressed just yet anyways. I still had a few hours until my d-day. Decision day. Maybe Death day.
Just in case it was Death day, I'd made sure to prep like a dying man might. I'd smoked the best weed in my shop until it was gone one night, another night I went out and bought myself the most expensive bottle of tequila I could find in stock, another night since I didn't exactly have any women fawning over me, I bought myself a hooker. A guy deserved to get laid one last time.
I should have gotten the pretty girl. Lindsey. It would have been nice to experience some of that innocence just in case I didn't get another chance at it. She was so… trusting. I flopped down onto the unmade bed wet without covering myself up. I had just one reminder of my night of Diosa, a little hickey that Erin had left on my pec underneath the 'shine'. I reached up touching it with a frown no one else could see.
Erin was alright. Not my usual choice in women, I'd wanted the other one, pretty girl. God damn she was built and didn't even realize it. She was so nervous even when she was trying to pick me up. If I hadn't already asked for Erin I might rethought my pick and told Lyla I wanted her instead. Those C cup tits were just out there for anyone to see, no bra, I could see her nipple. And the ass… I shut my eyes picturing the lean brunette smiling at me expectantly.
There was still that bit of sweetness around her that told me no one had picked her up since she started hooking it. Pretty girl was way too…eager. Her eyes said it all when I looked at her. She wanted me, bad. The feeling was mutual. I could think of 100 different ways to stick it to her if opportunity arose. I just hadn't wanted it to be because I thought it was my last night of sex.
I'd wanted amazing, mind blowing sex when I went in there looking for a hook up. I wanted someone t hat knew what they were doing without being told. I knew without even giving it a try that I'd have to tell Pretty girl every move to make. She didn't move the way the other females in that place did. She'd never been used like them. If I made it through the rest of the day maybe I'd celebrate by buying her for a couple of hours…
If I didn't make it through, then oh well. I'd lived. I'd died. At this point I felt like I'd cheated death more times than I deserved anyways. You always did find a way to get out of what you've done a voice whispered to me. "I know, I'm sorry. I tried to make it right. I can't." I whispered tracing over my Son tattoo from memory.
Death will make it right. Eye for an eye. Son for a Son. the whisper spoke again.
"I tried to set it back right. I helped Gemma for Clay. I pulled Lindsey out of traffic for the cop. I did good things." I pressed my palm down over the skull.
Its not enough. We're going to break you. You deserve it. You've turned into a monster. You haven't even owned up to helping Gemma.
"I can't tell anyone. Ever. Jax will never forgive her. She didn't mean to. Neither did I when I… when I killed Eli. But it happened. I can give her a chance to make it straight by keeping her secret." The wind was blowing hard outside knocking a tree branch against my window. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap , tap…. One tap for each brother. Was it a warning? A tap for each bullet?
Monster. You don't even deny it anymore. You know what you are.
I grimaced to myself wishing suddenly I wasn't alone. I was always alone. That's when this was at its worst. If I was busy, or had someone with me, I didn't get like this. "Not a monster."
When was the last time I'd taken my meds? I wondered suddenly. I hadn't slept in days. Maybe that's what I needed. I was starting to slip, badly. And I had no one to lean on anymore. The club was all I had, and I didn't know if I even had them anymore. Just me.. Alone.
You don't deserve anyone. That's why you pick up whores for fun. You really think they're being nice because they want to be? Not to a crazy like you. You're insane."
I sat up quickly covering my ears with my hands, shaking my head. "I'm not crazy. Fuck you."
I wasn't crazy. Not even close. I was sane. Perfectly sane.
Keep telling yourself that. Maybe it'll be true one day.
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The warehouse was dark and spooky looking when I rolled up on my Dyna later that night. I'd gotten the phone call an hour ago to meet them here. They'd came to their decision . Meeting them in the middle of nowhere kinda tipped me off on what they were about to do to me. Plenty of room for a shallow, hidden grave out here. Maybe they'd bury me near Miles. The two 'traitors' together.
I backed my bike into the row beside theirs noticing that West and Montez were missing from the pack on my way into the weathered barn. It was dimly lit inside, eerily quiet. I swiveled my head around frowning. Was this a joke?
Bam! The fist came out of nowhere slamming into my jawbone so hard I could feel the crack swelling already. I staggered a little bit, but didn't swing back. This was it, I knew without even asking Ratboy when I turned my head and caught the cold look in his eyes. He gave me a hard push and I tripped into Happy next. Motherfucker…..
Hit after hit, slam after slam it kept coming until I was on the dirt floor spitting blood from my mouth. I tilted my face up showing them I wasn't done. I would take it. I would take this and whatever else they dished out just like when Chibs had done this. Only this time it was worse. Every one of my brothers had taken a hit at me.
My eyes were swelling. My lips were both split. Nose didn't feel broken but it hurt. Ribs hurt. Everything fucking hurt. But it wasn't enough. I hacked up a mouthful of blood when Jax leaned down beside me grabbing me by the back of the head to look him in the eyes. "We decided killing you would be giving you what you wanted." He let my head drop back down with a groan from me. "Now you get to look at us every day and live with it."
Live with it, because they knew me well enough to know that was what was hurting me the most. Living with the things I'd done. I bobbed my head in an understanding motion just giving up on pulling myself from the floor. I let my body crumple down with the almost nagging realization that I was going to live. Again.
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Two days later…..
For being back on good terms with everyone after my beat down, I felt like a leper. No one spoke to me. No one looked at me. I was just as silent and sullen as they were. Tig was the only one acknowledging my presence. I knew that had more to do with him knowing he'd done his own share of screw ups than feeling sorry for me.
My face didn't look that bad. I was still bruised, cut up, and sure as fuck wouldn't be winning any beauty contest anytime soon, but I looked a hell of a lot better than I had before. I let my eyes drop over on Rat collecting his brown envelope like the rest of us had done. He looked too happy. Too… young.
I felt my lip curl in an almost snarl at the way he looked at me then away again. "You guys got any plans for tonight?" He asked Tig as we walked downstairs slowly.
"Nah. Jax said lay low for a few days, lets see how everything pans out with the Mayans before we jump the gun on something. Hey she with you?" Tig asked elbowing Rat when we reached the third step.
Lindsey was sitting in the booth right beside the door licking on an ice cream with way too much tongue. She was staring outside at the streets, swinging her legs back and forth like a kid would. Her pink tongue darted out again licking at the chocolate that was dripping down the side. Holy shit…
Rat grinned at Tig in a way I didn't like at all. "Kinda. We're hangin out. We've went around a few times."
"You hittin it?" Tig asked bluntly watching her with the ice cream in the same creepy way that I was. Only Rat was oblivious.
"Nah man. Not like that. Haven't made a move on her." He glanced back over at the young girl tilting her mouth to bite on the waffle cone.
I knew she'd give one hell of a blowjob. I watched her silently tuning the other two out. They didn't want to speak to me anyways. Pretty girl looked different when she wasn't in hooker clothes. Her little shorts were tight, I could see the mold of her mound through them hugging her. She'd be tight. Really tight.
She didn't even know what she was doing with that damn ice cream either, it was all innocence and smiles when she saw Rat. Then.. She looked at me. Her eyes glazed over the cuts, the bruises, and over my body suggestively. I scowled back at her until she broke the look first. It was one thing to check me out, another thing to gawk at my injuries. She slid out of the booth as Rat approached her laughing along with him with a tinkling little sound.
I'd told myself if I lived, I was going back to Diosa to find her. I'd almost forgot about it until I saw her now swinging a leg over the back of Rat's bike. I was going to claim my prize as soon as I could without even blinking on the tab I was racking up for picking up hookers. This one would be well worth it.
