Duo' Journal's
Paz Note: Disclaim, though I'd like to think that I own Duo's soul, his creation is not mine, nor is GW or anything else for that matter, for I am a poor college student, of art, no less.
God.
Damn.
It.
Entry 9: Hassles of...
Well there goes my weekend, and here I was planning on having a little fun going through Hiiro's stuff. Suckage. I have SO much work to do. Don't get me wrong, it's not a mission or anything, no, no, I wouldn't have minded that AS much (granted I still would have minded it a bit). No, rather I am stuck here doing corrective paperwork. One of the n00bs messed up some of my old work and, when being taught how to fix it, corrupted it even more, by (story/rant time):
1) Deleting half the file on the computer and not remembering WHAT section he deleted.
2) Corrupting the hard drive so they couldn't retrieve the saved old version. They went to not save it and somehow he figured out the 'self destruction/implosion' code instead. (Preventer Computer's aren't run by standard OS and software because it'd be to simple to hack or ruin, so we have it on command only basis… VERY SIMPLE… just this poor guy…)
3) When going over the paper file to re-enter the data, spilt coffee all over it… Talk about bad luck… for both of us…
He's so clumsy, aurgh! And other such sound effects! I almost feel bad for him now. No one in the office has ever seen me explode before. I usually manage to get home before I break anything… Oh well… It wasn't my vase anyway… (That's so mean of me to say, I know, but I'm still angry) After grumbling in my office over the hard copy for about three hours I realized the futility in trying to decipher it and, in my rising anger in realizing that I'd have to rewrite the whole thing from memory, threw it at the opposite wall and promptly punched the door, hard…
My hand will heal… Unfortunately, I almost broke your nose… Good thing you came not a second earlier. I would have gone from complete anger and general violence to complete regret-and maybe self loathing-and sorrow.
Also known as, not a good day. Want to know more? I'm still at work. Want to know the time? 4:30…Military. I'm NOT a kid anymore I shouldn't have to do this! I can't do this. WHAT THE CRAP! GAAAAAA…. Okay, break times over, back to work… Only seven more topics to cover.
I must get it done tonight. I want my weekend DAMNIT! I have work to do!
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Okay… Just as a side note, I let Hiiro drive my car home last night so that at least HE could get some sleep… He also woke me up when he came in… He told me to go take a break and get some fresh air. I refused, naturally, as I wanted to get my stuff done…
Then he gave me this look… and I could do nothing. He told me, calmly, but in this way... I don't know how to describe it… I don't know what it was. Was it anger, or worry or-?
So in any case I left and promptly heard him tidying the mess of thrown and torn papers, my chair having been discarded into a corner at some point, being replaced by Sally's (though she probably doesn't know I broke into her office, and wont if he returns it quickly) and went outside and, per his suggestion, to the coffee shop across the street. Out of habit I took my bag, the over-the-shoulder one. I got used to this for two reasons 1) I don't like leaving important things anywhere, I still cant get rid of the feeling that someone's going to steal all my stuff for no apparent reason, and 2) this book is in it, and I want NO ONE to know what it contains.
The Chai is really good here… though I don't think I've ever had bad Chai tea…
I'll just sit here and cool off a while. I think that's what you wanted, right. I'll be back before you think I should, I know.
My neck hurts. I guess that's what I get for trying to pull an all-nighter and falling asleep like that.
I'm sorry if I upset you... I- I didn't mean to… I hope I don't always let you down like this. And I'm sorry you had to see me like that yesterday… I'm sorry you agreed to live with me, because I'm sure you'll see it a lot more.
Hiiro, I'm so sorry… I really am.
I just can't help it. I feel safer around you. I want to open up to you, even though it hurts some times (or most times). I want you to know who I really am, but I'm afraid that you'll hate me for it. I know we have our pasts, but… Can't you be my future? Why can't I ask you in person?
I love you, and it hurts more all the time. I wish I were braver. I never was good at this sort of thing. They say it's because people who grow up alone, orphans, can never fully depend on someone ever again, we are less able to learn, or are illiterate (I mean, I was illiterate until G forced me to learn, he forced me to do a lot of stuff that, in the long run, I'm thankful for). The statistics show we stay in crime, are violent, we have harder emotions to control. I know all this is true about me; I know it's there, I think I'm just really good at hiding it. But I want to be able to depend on you. I want to.
I really do…
I just want you, but I'm to afraid and stupid and unworthy, to get you. But I still want you. I can't help it. And I'm still sorry. I just wish I could tell you to your face and not in some God-forsaken book. A book I'll never admit the contents of, more likely than not.
I'm so tired…
