Scene IX: The living room, a moment later

(Tony turns self-consciously to look at Mona, who's just entered from the kitchen. Angela hides the tie under a seat cushion, as if it's evidence.)

ANGELA: We're spending a quiet evening in our living room, Mother. What are you doing?

MONA: I need to borrow some champagne.

TONY: Mona, it's— (He tries to look at his watch and then remembers he left it on the little table.)

MONA: Eleven forty-five, so I don't have time for you to explain yourselves. Just hand over the champagne, pronto.

ANGELA: Mother, your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on our part.

MONA: Pithy, Angela. No wonder you have your own ad agency.

TONY: Mona, why didn't you buy champagne? It's not like New Year's Eve arrived unexpectedly.

MONA: I ran out of that champagne. This is to celebrate a more important milestone.

ANGELA: I'm afraid to ask.

TONY: I'll bite. What milestone, Mona?

MONA: I reached one thousand.

TONY: (to Angela) Now I'm afraid to ask.

MONA: I didn't think I would make it this year, but Mr. One Thousand came through just in time.

TONY: (shocked) You've been with one thousand men this year?

MONA: Of course not!

TONY: Oh, I was gonna say—

MONA: That's over a lifetime.

TONY: Wait, so if you're sixty—

MONA: Never mind how many years it took. The point is I've finally reached that goal.

TONY: Wow, that's really—

ANGELA: Disgusting.

TONY: I was gonna say mind-boggling.

MONA: Angela, just because you never made it to the double digits—

ANGELA: I could've if I wanted to, Mother.

MONA: Of course, Dear. As for Mr. February, I'm sure he could've made it to the triple digits if he hadn't been fallen for a certain peroxide blonde.

ANGELA: Thank you, Mother, for cheapening our relationship.

MONA: Well, somebody has to.

TONY: Listen, Mona, maybe we haven't had your quantity, but we're doing all right with quality.

MONA: I had quality, too.

ANGELA: Mother, we really don't want to hear about your lurid past.

MONA: I mean your father, Angela. And I would take Robert in exchange for the 999 others.

TONY: Great, I'm gonna cry again!

MONA: Again?

ANGELA: Mother, take the champagne and leave.

MONA: (grabbing the bottle and the glasses) Happy New Year, you two.

TONY: See you in '92, Mone!

MONA: Have fun making and breaking resolutions!

ANGELA: Goodnight, Mother. (Mona waves and exits out the back door.)

TONY: Where was I?

ANGELA: I think the moment has passed, Tony.

TONY: So you don't want to see me naked?

ANGELA: I didn't say that.

TONY: Oh. Uh, Angela, I know I was saying we shouldn't have the talk about our pasts the same night we have our first time together, but do you wanna?

ANGELA: Well, I'd suggest we discuss this over champagne, but that's no longer possible.

TONY: Right. Well, look at it this way. We're getting married next year, so we know we're gonna have sex in '92. So if we wait till after midnight—

ANGELA: We still won't be married.

TONY: No, but it's not like you've never had sex with an ex-husband before.

ANGELA: True. Wow, it would be the first time I've had sex when I'm not married to Brian!

TONY: Yeah, but I can't really judge you because I technically committed adultery with Kathleen.

ANGELA: Ugh, that's right!

TONY: But we're both single now.

ANGELA: Yes, but you're not done with college yet.

TONY: One more quarter, that's close enough.

ANGELA: You're still my housekeeper.

TONY: Then I can make the bed in the morning.

ANGELA: I'll help you. And you can help me unmake it now.

TONY: Yeah, Angela?

ANGELA: Yes, Tony. I'll be your #18 if you'll be my #4.

TONY: (grinning) You can count on it. (She groans at the pun. And then he scoops her off the couch and into his arms. She giggles and then sighs happily.)

ANGELA: (as he carries her towards the stairs) I can't believe this is really happening.

TONY: (shifting to a fireman's lift) Oh, I'm sure with our luck I'll throw my back out, or something else will go wrong.

ANGELA: (as he mounts the stairs) Like Jonathan will call from the ski lodge with a broken leg.

TONY: Or Sam's date will have too much to drink, and she'll need us to go pick her up from the party.

ANGELA: Or Mother will barge in with more demands.

TONY: Or Mrs. Rossini will have a crisis.

ANGELA: Or the sex won't live up to expectations.

TONY: (as they reach the balcony) Well, we know that'll happen. But I'll settle for half as good as I hope.

ANGELA: (as they round the corner and start to disappear from sight) Oh, good, no pressure then.

Scene X: Angela's bedroom, several hours later

(Tony and Angela are spooning in their sleep, the covers up to their stomachs. They look cozy and contented. He's shirtless and she's wearing the sapphire blue nightie that he saw her in his first night in the house. He wakes up and grins, glad that this is real. He squeezes her tighter.)

ANGELA: (waking up) Mmm, morning, Tony.

TONY: Morning, Angela. Happy New Year.

ANGELA: Didn't we already celebrate last night?

TONY: Yeah, we celebrated late into the night.

ANGELA: (giggling) I remember!

TONY: So, Angela, tell me about your #4.

ANGELA: You really want to know?

TONY: I really want to know.

ANGELA: (rolling over to face him) My #4 was warm and passionate, a little demanding and very giving. He was playful but intense. Athletic but sensitive.

TONY: I meant in bed, Angela.

ANGELA: So did I.

TONY: (blushing) Oh.

ANGELA: Tell me about your #18, Tony.

TONY: Shy at first but sensual, or sensuous, underneath. Creative but methodical. Beautiful, inside and out. And flawless.

ANGELA: Oh, Tony!

TONY: In fact, she was last chronologically, but #1 in all other ways.

ANGELA: So was my #4.

TONY: We saved the best for last?

ANGELA: Oh, I think we're a long way from "last."

TONY: Good point. So, Angela, I did the math.

ANGELA: What math?

TONY: Let's say your mother was single and sexually active for about half her life—

ANGELA: Oh, that math.

TONY: That's like 30 years of 33 guys a year.

ANGELA: Approximately, yes.

TONY: And if we get married when I'm 40 and I live to be 70—

ANGELA: (catching on) And we have sex just 33 times a year—

TONY: Yeah, we'll do it 1000 times. Or we could do it 50 times a year and reach the goal by the time I tie with Brian for your longest marriage.

ANGELA: So I only get 999 more times with you?

TONY: Well, I didn't say we had to stop at 1000. (They give each other The Look. The scene fades to black.)

THE END