Chapter nine.
Billy had called Bella and asked her to come talk a couple days after he heard she 'stayed at' Pauls. The friendly, welcoming smile he always greeted her with was replaced by a serious expression.
"I'm going to tell you this one time Isabella." She winced when he used her full name, he could be a very intimidating man when he wanted to be and anyone who used her full name usually intimidated her.
"Paul is going to need some time and I don't think there's a better match out there for him than my daughter, that is what the fates chose for him, for them." Bella nodded her head, she understood this, even if it did sting a tiny bit.
"but fate also took her from him, from us." She nodded along sadly. "and we cant continue to hurt over something that's already been done. Paul too. Rachel wouldn't want for him to be miserable and alone, she would want for someone to make both him and their daughter happy..." Billy looked up and waited for her to meet his eyes before speaking again.
"You are going to do that because they can make you happy too and you all deserve to have that back...that happiness." Bella tried very hard to hold it together but it was a lot to hear at once, Billy thought she could make both Paul and Sierra happy, and he was okay with this?
"I-I'm sorry, I just-I don't even know how I feel about it, well I do but its confusing and how did you know?" Billy chuckled at her and shook his head.
"I felt it before I saw it. His pain, your hurt and the way Sierra balanced you both out. I could see it happening slowly and I think Jake could see it too, that's why he...well you remember." Bella rolled her eyes remembering the way Jake had accused her of basically throwing herself at Paul, that was long before she even really looked at Paul in that way but it was also what sort of opened her eyes to him...
"And you do know how you feel about it, you just have to trust yourself and believe that you deserve to be happy, believe that you deserve to live." Those last four words struck her and Billy was a wise man, he knew exactly what he was talking about. Bella wasn't sure what to say to him, he was basically giving her his blessing and she wasn't sure what to do with it, how could he even be sure Paul would like her that way? She thanked him for his honesty and concern and left even more confused than she had been.
The panic had set in as soon as she left Paul's house that day and it continued on all through the week, even more so after her talk with Billy. It terrified her to think about her feelings, she was not supposed to fall so quickly for a man, especially a man who had only lost his wife just over a year ago. A man who had a child, she wasn't supposed to feel this way about anyone for a very long time, it wasn't the way things were supposed to happen but they did.
For Bella things were certainly never easy but then again, that was life, for everyone. When she thought about her parents or Sue or Billy, people who had lives, dreams, plans and somewhere along their path, those changed. It wasn't a bad thing, not at all, they were happy now and she could be happy one day too, it was just a matter of getting herself over this hurdle. Her past would always be a part of her but she didn't have to let it control her, and she wouldn't.
Shoving the last box she had grown tired of looking at, into the garage Bella wiped her hands and closed the door. That wedding dress and those invitations and old pictures and notes, things she held onto, treasured even, needed to be put away. The more she looked at them the worse she felt and she wanted to remember the good things about those years in her life. It was difficult for her to be happy when she though of Edward or the Cullen's and she didn't want it to be, she needed to replace all the bad with the good and let everything else go. She was trying.
Paul called before he and Sierra were leaving and Bella was practically gnawing off her finger tips and burning a hole through her floorboards as she bit her nails and paced in her front room. She had almost expected Paul to call during the week to cancel, to find any reason to bail but he didn't and she knew it was because Sierra was so excited about it, the love he had for his daughter was the thing she liked most about him, he would do anything to make her happy even tag along to a slumber party...
A knock on the door snapped her back into the present, Paul and Sierra were standing there and her nerves disappeared, the stress and the worry about everything else had taken a vacation, she knew they'd be back but she had to enjoy what was right in front of her.
"Sorry we're late, she forgot her tiger and we had to drive back to get it." Bella stepped aside to let them in, she felt like her face was going to split in half from smiling so hard and she hoped she wasn't creeping either of them out.
"No worries, I had a few things to tidy up anyway. So did you both eat already?" Sierra shook her head before running into the house and jumping on the couch. Paul was right behind her, grabbing her hand to keep her from jumping all over the place.
"Nah, she was too anxious to get here. I don't think she ate all of her lunch either, Billy didn't say much about it when I went to pick her up." Paul was sitting beside Sierra holding her down as he looked around Bella's living room. She wondered what he expected to see when he walked in the door, maybe padded walls. And she also wondered if Billy talked to him as well...
"Okay good. I mean I haven't eaten either and I was about to cook. What do you feel like eating?" She looked to Sierra first, because this was all for her and Paul would go along with what she wanted and so would Bella.
"Pizza!" Sierra shouted, Paul was watching Bella with an odd expression when she looked to him for approval, something about that look made her want to blush and she turned away before he could see it.
"Sure we could do pizza, you okay with that Bella? I'll buy." She turned around to look at them and nodded. Cooking might lead her to start a fire or something with him there she couldn't imagine being able to concentrate, she suddenly felt nervous again.
"I can pay I'm the host of this slumber party anyway." Paul narrowed his eyes and shook his head at her and Sierra copied him, it was sort of adorable and she couldn't help but smile at them both. "Fine then we'll split the cost." She pulled out the menu not waiting for an answer from him and they agreed on cheese pizza's all around, or rather Sierra picked and they nodded along.
Sierra brought a few of her favourite movies, Bella smiled as Paul made himself comfortable on her tiny sofa, he might not be a werewolf anymore but he was still a pretty big guy. He caught her staring and she could feel her face heat up and she turned away from him again, she felt like some preteen with her very first crush it was sort of ridiculous. Half way through the Lion King, the pizza arrived and Bella could feel herself becoming more and more tense.
They ate while Sierra talked about her favourite parts of the movie and then she'd occasionally stop to ask Bella random questions about something she spotted in her living room and continue watching the movie. At one point she jumped up and started singing along and Bella grinned from ear to ear, it was easy for her to relax when Sierra was there.
As the night wore on she could feel the anxiety rising, especially after Sierra fell asleep. When Paul came back to the living room after packing Sierra off to the guest room Bella tried to calm herself down, it wasn't the first time she was alone with him while aware of her feelings for him, but something seemed different this time and she wasn't sure why that was, but it was making her nervous.
"I'll sleep on the couch out here, she's a little bed hog and I'd probably end up on the floor anyway." Bella forced out a laugh and hoped it didn't sound all high and pitchy, Paul noticed.
"You alright over there?" Nodding she smiled at him.
"No. Yea I'm good and I have an air mattress you can use, you'll have to help me move the couch out of the way but its better than you trying to squeeze onto this little couch." She looked around the living room awkwardly, trying to avoid eye contact. It wasn't this weird before and maybe she was imagining it all. Paul laughed and she turned around to look at him.
"Am I making you uncomfortable?" He had his eyebrow raised and she shook her head a little too quickly.
"No, well yea but I don't know I haven't really had anyone here, well I mean I haven't had a guy over and..." She needed to stop talking before she made a giant fool of herself and admitted something she wasn't ready to admit.
"You don't have guys over here...ever?" He managed to sound surprised in a way that she didn't feel insulted, which she easily could have been.
"No. I'm not, I mean I don't or I haven't really ever um..." He tilted his head and watched her, then his mouth fell open a bit, like he finally found what he was looking for.
"Holy shit are you a virgin?" Why did he have to look so shocked? Bella shook her head and took a breath before answering him, there wasn't anything complicated about it but it felt weird talking to someone about it.
"No, well not technically." He barked out a laugh and then covered his mouth, remembering his daughter was asleep. She glared at him and waited for him to stop.
"You were married for what? Four years right? You didn't have sex at all?" Shaking her head again Bella thought it might help to explain things, even if she really didn't have to, she wanted to, for some reason.
"We tried and well he freaked because of the blood and then he ran and it was an experience that neither of us was willing to try again..." His mouth was hanging open as he looked at her and it was making her feel self conscious.
"Well that's...I don't even know what to say that. And you've never done anything with anyone else?" Bella shook her head again, she had thought about it but when it came down to it, she was never comfortable enough to try again.
"I'm not like that Paul. I have gone this long and its not going to kill me to wait a bit longer." It wasn't, or at least that's what she kept telling herself, even if it felt like she was going to explode from all the pent up frustration that had been building up.
"I didn't mean like that. But wow. I'm a little surprised, I mean that you were married that long and not...being taken care of." Bella looked at him and shrugged her shoulders. It wasn't something she stopped thinking about when she was with Edward, he took care of her in every way but that way.
"Well I had school and I ran...a lot" That made him laugh and she continued. "I just didn't think about it with him, like at all. I mean we didn't even kiss, we just weren't...intimate at all really." Paul was sitting there staring at her, she thought he might be in shock or something. "Please stop staring at me like that, I know its freaky or whatever but I don't need to be reminded of how strange I am, I was married to a vampire if you remember." Eventually closing his mouth and blinking he nodded.
"Sorry. I feel bad now. I wasn't trying to say you're some whore and I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I'm pretty messed up too, don't forget I turned into a giant wolf before. I'm strange too." She smiled and nodded her head.
"That you are." He smiled and they were quiet for a few moments, it wasn't uncomfortable but they both needed a minute to collect themselves, him from his obvious shock and her from having admitted to practically still being a divorced virgin.
After their somewhat awkward conversation they put on a movie and Bella could hardly think about anything else but how easily she had confessed everything to him. It didn't really bother her, she just felt exposed and talking about sex with a guy she was pretty sure she wanted to sleep with, wasn't as humiliating as it probably should have been.
"What was it that you loved about the...guy anyway?" Turning away from the movie she wasn't watching to look at him, Bella was thoughtful for a moment.
"I don't know. I just did. It wasn't like he tricked me into it or anything. I was younger and more foolish I guess. I met him and all of a sudden he was like everything to me. Its sort of hard to explain, I mean after he left me the first time I shouldn't have taken him back but I did because he pretty much consumed my every thought and it was hard to let him go." Bella shook her head like she was trying to make those feelings and that past disappear.
"I get it. It was some werewolf magic with me and Rach but I get it. One day she walked into my life and that was it." Bella stared at him sadly, she wished she could offer him something, anything to make that pain in his voice go away. "Its okay now, I'm back to being more me again, I wasn't really the same with her. Its not like I didn't love her because I did, I do. I just wasn't the same person." That was something Bella definitely understood.
"I couldn't have left her if I wanted to, which I didn't but I mean you see how fucked up that is right? Its hard to see the faults in imprinting when you're so caught up devoting everything to her, being everything she wants and needs. You lose yourself and I swear I loved her without the damn imprint but I just hate thinking that she wasn't my choice when I probably would have found her myself. I hate that I didn't choose her and she didn't choose me..." It took Bella a moment to absorb all of what he was saying.
"I'm not saying I wouldn't do it all over again, because I would. I just wish I could have fallen in love with her without the imprint..." Bella nodded and didn't realize how close she was to him until she reached her hand to touch his face. What the hell was she doing! she couldn't seem to stop herself and she'd have to relearn some boundaries after this night was over.
But the thing was Paul didn't stop her, he leaned into her hand and she could feel her heart hammering hard against her rib cage. It was definitely not appropriate to try and kiss someone after they talked about their deceased wife. Dropping her hand slowly she scooted back, needing space, she should not be crowding him, especially at this particular moment.
"I'm sorry Paul. I'm not sure what came over me." She felt completely stupid and she really didn't want to look at him, So it caught her off guard when she felt his fingers at her chin, tilting her head up and making sure she was looking at him. Paul didn't say anything, he leaned forward brushing his lips against hers and so many things clicked into place at that moment and Bella finally jumped that last hurdle.
Not wanting to ruin a moment neither of them seemed to move, they were locked in place, their faces still inches from each other. Her lips tingled and she wanted to reach up and touch them but she didn't move. When the shock wore off she licked her lips and closed that little bit of distance again, it was both strange and wonderful to be able to touch, to kiss, to want someone after so long. Bella's hands moved up his arms and settled on his shoulders.
She knew Paul was still hurting and she wanted to be able to take away some of that pain but part of her wanted to pull back and give him a moment, or many moments to realize how messed up she was and run far, far away. He deserved someone who wasn't so emotionally damaged, Sierra deserved someone who wasn't so...her. Bella felt him stop.
"What's wrong?" He sounded so worried, like he had done something to her. Shaking her head Bella realized they had moved and they were lying on her couch and he was hovering over her.
"I'm so fucked up. I just kissed you after all you said and I didn't even want to stop. I mean, I'm- I'm a mess Paul and I'm the last person you should get involved with. God, I'm so sorry." He laughed and it shook her and the couch.
"Actually I kissed you and I don't think its up to you to decide what you think is good for me. I know you're fucked up..." She scowled at him and it made him laugh again. "We're both fucked up." She couldn't see how he thought he was messed up, it wasn't like he had a choice in the way things turned out in his life. "You're thinking too hard about this." and before she could say anything his lips were back on hers and she stopped thinking.
It was both the best and worst timing for Sierra to wake up and call for her dad at that moment. He gave Bella a kiss on the nose and jumped up to get to his daughter. As she lay on there on the couch still dizzy, she couldn't think of a reason to want to stop this...whatever it was from happening between them.
It was going to be difficult and it was going to take time but she thought about the two other people in her house and decided that if he wanted her she would wait, for as long as takes...
As always thanks for reading :)
