Dear diary,

Facing old ghosts is never easy. I thought I had made piece with many of my decisions but now I find myself dwelling on them once again. As sure as I am of what I should do, I'm not as certain of what I will do. Plain facts tell me one thing, but my heart pulls me in a completely different direction…


Damon carried Elena back into the house and, as he reached the foyer, he had to make a decision. Where should he go? He could put her in the sofa just in front of the fireplace, the most neutral place in the house. He could go and put her in Stefan's room. After all, she chose him in her unconscious state. On the other hand, and much to his surprise, she had chosen his room when she came to the house. For a split second, a shy smirk showed upon his face. What could that mean? That Elena had decided to stay in his room, in his bed. It had been his drawers she searched and his shower she'd used.

Damon looked at her, so fragile in his arms. For months he had wished to see her full of life again, he wanted the girl "who got spunk" living her life and carrying on. Now, there she was, not as lifeless but just has vulnerable as before. He couldn't take his eyes off her. As he made his decision, Damon carefully and lightly lifted her closer to him. His movements were slow and tender. At each step he took, he would drink her scent, memorise her frame, imprint the softness of her body in his. He knew moments such as this couldn't happen, shouldn't happen. He wouldn't let any of this ever happen again, and that was a promise. What good could he do to her? He was nothing but an undead monster who needed to take life in order for himself to live. How could someone like that be any good? There was no redemption or atonement that could ever accommodate the selfishness of his life. He wouldn't put that burden on her.

When he reached his room, he laid Elena on his bed and stood there, right beside her with his eyes still locked on her. Damon had a thing for fatalism. He learned the hard way not to expect good from anybody and, most certainly, not to show any goodness because he knew that when people see good, they expect good. That didn't work for him. Why would he have to live to anyone's expectations? Those feelings, those expectations are the things that ruin relationships. Damon wanted things to be real, he wanted to live for the moment, be spontaneous. And that was the reason Elena stuck to him right from the very beginning.

It was quite a dark night. There was no-one in sight. Damon laid on the road with his back on the cold concrete. He enjoyed the quietness of the darkness. As he was laying there, reminiscing about the past, trying to think of a reason to go on with his meaningless life, he started hearing something. It was a familiar voice.

"I know Bonnie. You're right. You and my mum both are, I just can't bring myself to tell him. At least not tonight."

Could it be? For a moment, Damon believed in the impossible. He knew Katherine was dead, he saw her get into the church and it lighting on fire. However, he didn't care if it was just his imagination playing with his emotions. A moment of Katherine was worth the pain of waking up to a meaningless existence. With all his vampire speed, he ran to her.

"Katherine" he murmured, his eyes full of mirth.

The confused look on the girl made him painfully come back to reality. Deep down he knew it wasn't her, but he was hoping for a dream, for the tiniest chance of a happy moment.

"I'm sorry, you just really remind me of someone." he noted as he pondered.

This wasn't Katherine. He was just about to walk away and go back to his pensive state when something inside of him held him back. There was something about this girl that drew him in. It wasn't her looks. His love for Katherine had never been about her looks. Of course she was gorgeous, he wasn't blind, but Katherine's confidence, her assertiveness, the way she carried herself at a time when women were supposed to subjugate themselves to society, to men, that was what actually caught his attention. Besides, she knew exactly how to taunt him and that made it impossible for him to resist her.

Damon didn't know who was this girl standing in front of him, but as he bit his lip doubting the decision he was about to make the words blurted out of his mouth.

"I'm Damon."

His eyes glued on her, scared with all the possible outcomes of this conversation, of who this girl is if not Katherine, and at the same time, with a spec of hope of what he had stumbled upon. The uncertainty was keeping his heart intact. The exhilaration of all the possibilities kept him going. Just like that, Katherine was out of his mind and Damon was himself again, even if for the brief moment of this conversation.

"Not to be rude or anything, Damon, but it's kind of creepy that you're out here in the middle of nowhere."

Elena surprised him. She didn't go for the damsel in distress approach. She didn't fall for his seductive advance. She questioned him.

He quipped back, "You're one to talk. You're out here all by yourself."

"It's Mystic Falls. Nothing bad ever happens here."

Damon let out a slight snort at the irony of her words, his eyes never even blinking to miss a second of her. It was, however, the relaxed and inconsequent body language that got him. Who was this girl who believed that him, a monster, couldn't do her any harm?

"Got into a fight with my boyfriend" she continued.

"About what? May I ask."

"Life, future, he's got it all mapped out."

How he longed for the days when he had it all mapped out. Well, not everything per se, but the main events. He was going to give his life up to be with Katherine. His human hopefulness and ingenuity didn't see her for the monster she was, the monster in which he would eventually become. How intriguing that we, as humans, don't value the ephemerality of planning and enjoying a mortal life.

"And you don't want it?"

"I don't know what I want."

Those words were the lie that humans all tell themselves, pushing away the burden of having to make such impactful decisions.

"Well, that's not true. You want what everybody wants."

Elena tilted her head, looked straight into this stranger's eyes, let out a challenging smile and inquisitively asked, "What? A mysterious stranger who has all the answers?"

Her humanity was endearing, the thought of having all the answers was amusing.

"Hm… Well, let's just say I've been around a long time. I've learned a few things."

"So, Damon, tell me. What is it that I want?"

Elena pierced her eyes on his, looking at him confidently, demanding an answer. She was challenging him. This time there were no games, nobody had a secret agenda, it was just an ordinary girl facing ordinary dilemmas of an ordinary life.

Damon felt even more drawn to her. Her gaze hypnotising him as he slowly started moving closer to her, "You want a love that consumes you. You want passion, an adventure, and even a little danger."

He knew all too well what a human longed for in life. After all, these had always been his truest desires.

Elena's demanding smile slowly faded into an intrigued one.

With their gazes still locked, Damon was beaming inside at the hopefulness that his words transpired. Then, Elena did what he didn't expect, "So, what do you want?"

Damon was speechless. Did he know what he wanted? Did he dare to desire anything at all? Hadn't he just told her? He wanted a love that consumed him, he wanted passion and adventure, and even a little danger. Little did he know, at that moment, that Katherine wasn't a love that consumed him, she was just a silly obsession; their relationship wasn't founded on passion but on desire; their adventure was nothing but a nightmare and the danger wasn't exciting or enticing, it was just plain cruel.

Now, looking at Elena peacefully asleep, he understood all that. From the very first moment, Elena got under his skin. It wasn't her looks as, of all the excepcional qualities she possessed, that was the least appealing thing about her. From the very first moment she challenged him to become his equal, she cared for him and about him. She was so intriguing. She was the light that ended his darkness.

The morning came and sunlight filled the whole room. Elena opened her eyes but didn't feel the energy to move. She didn't know what to expect. Still as a rock, she tried to listen for any movement around the house, but there was nothing. She started reminiscing about last night, about him. She couldn't quite understand why Damon came to her. Of course she wanted him to, she did everything in her power to try and find him but, when she did, she couldn't help but wonder why hadn't Stefan come instead? Why Damon? Last she remembered, she had told him that she was going to find Stefan. Elena still didn't know what had actually happened while in the hospital. Who are the Salvatores after all? They are vampires. They have been around her since her accident. They messed with her head and yet, one of them is here, talking to her with a struggle that she can't decipher.

Suddenly, a knock on the door. Elena stayed put.

"Wake up, sleepy head."

Elena still didn't move. Footsteps followed.

"I can hear you breathing Elena."

And she could hear the rolling of his eyes somehow.

As he stopped, trying not to pry too much, she still didn't want to move. A tiny smile started forming on her lips, though. For a second, this turned into a game. All troubles disappeared and there was nothing but his room, the bed, and the two of them.

"Ok, I'll just go away then."

Elena's expression turned serious at the sound of him going away. She sat up on the bed quickly and looked towards the door. The room was empty. An all too familiar smell of something sweet caught her attention. Right there, on the edge of the bed, laid a tray with a plate filled with pancakes. On the pancakes there was a smile drawn out of blueberries.

"Don't worry. It won't bite."

He didn't actually leave. He was there, dressed all in black with his usual sense of humour, leaning onto the frame of the door with his arms crossed on his chest. He looked so dashing.

"Damon…" Elena said as she let out a shy smile.

"Yes, Elena?" The way he lingered and emphasised her name sent shivers across her spine. Slowly he started walking towards the bed until he reached it and sat beside her. His hand on the duvet as close as possible to her.

"Don't leave me." the words slip out of her mouth uncontrollably. The moment felt just right. For so long, she had searched for him and, despite all the blurriness still in her mind, moments such as this just felt right. She couldn't envision waking up ever again without him right by her side.

Damon worried so much about her. He knew she wasn't supposed to be so attached to him, but the way she looked at him, the words she had just said, it all made his heart melt. How could he turn away?

He looked at his hand which he had delicately and discreetly moved and was now resting on her duvet covered leg. He firmly squeezed it, widely opened his bright blue eyes and looked directly into her brown big ones. It felt as if he was searching for her soul. The words came out of his mouth easily, reminding them both of a moment that just now was turning as real as it could be.

"I will never leave you again."

Elena dropped her eyes to his hand. She could feel the weight of his grasp, but she couldn't feel him. She needed the warmth of his skin. That was when she reached for it, putting her own hand on top of his. Her heart was pounding at the roughness of his grip.

"What happened, Damon? I need to understand."

"I know. I know you do."

"Will you tell me?"

"If you want me to."

"I do."

"Okay, but we still have got time, right?" a smirk formed on the side of his face, his eyes meeting hers in a suppressive seductive way.

Elena couldn't hide the big smile that splashed across her face. Without noticing, she had started gently rubbing his hand with her fingers.

"Now, you have to eat missy." he said as he took his hand back to reach for the tray and placed it on her lap.

"Yesterday, the pancakes in the kitchen, was that you?" she asked as she cut a piece with the side of her fork and took it to her mouth.

"Yes."

Busted, he thought.

"Ah! I knew they were too good to be store bought."

Damon was amused at her childlike livelihood. All of a sudden, her eyes changed, they weren't squinting with happiness anymore, they were wide with shock.

"Why didn't you show yourself then? How long have you been lurking in the shadows?"

Damon's heart shrank in pain.

"I know there is no excuse. But nobody should be near a vampire."

"But I was, without knowing."

She got him again. There was nothing he could say that would make any of it acceptable. The pain inside his chest was just overwhelming.

"Elena, what happened to you shouldn't happen to anyone. What Stefan and I did, it's just inexcusable. But, I can't take any of it back and, believe me, I've tried. When I found out that Stefan was getting into your head so that he could go after your resemblance to Katherine, I tried to make him stop. He wouldn't. I had to do something so, every now and then, when he left the hospital, I would visit you and try to amend whatever it was that he had done. That was when I understood why he wouldn't let you go. You wouldn't let us go either."

"So, you're saying that this is all my fault?!"

"No! No, of course not. It's not your fault but your mind kept fighting us, even if there were times when it seemed like you were kicking us out, you'd always find a way of keeping us in. You weren't supposed to accept vampires. Come on, Elena, you were supposed to be scared, walk away, shut us out, but you always found a way of forgiving us, accepting us. It all spiralled out of control and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"But you haven't answered my question yet."

"Well," he started while averting his eyes from hers, "when you woke up, Stefan wasn't extremely happy with the direction your relationship was taking. Because of that, I managed to get him out of town."

"And you stayed."

"I didn't want to. I wanted to leave."

When she heard these words, Elena felt hurt and surprised by her own feelings. Everything was too complicated. On one hand, she felt betrayed that everything in her dream didn't actually happen. On the other hand, she knew her feelings were real. Just being with Damon felt natural. She didn't want to lose him. She was hurt, confused, but she didn't actually want for him to disappear.

"People talk in this town. Zach came home saying that there was talk that 'poor Elena had gone cuckoo' and I got scared. I didn't know what your mind had retained, so I decided to stay until I felt you were safe." Elena relaxed, there was some comfort in knowing he worried about her. "Then, you came here…"

"You saw me?!"

"Who do you think opened the door?" a corner of his mouth lifted as he was trying to lighten the mood.

"Why Damon?! If you wanted to leave, if you didn't want me to be around you two, why did you still open that door? How could you play with my head and my feelings like that?" Elena was irritated now, he kept dodging the question and trying to make light of the situation. She was having none of it! Not anymore. She wanted answers and she wanted them now.

"I needed to be sure, ok Elena?" Damon got up from the bed as he couldn't stand still any longer. Their voices were higher now, frustration was coming through every pore of their bodies. "I needed to be sure that you wanted us around. I told you, when you woke up you should just feel like you had a very weird and crappy dream. You weren't supposed to come look for anything. When you did, I had to make sure what you actually wanted. Do you really think you're supposed to hang out with vampires?!"

"Don't do that. You know I have no problems with you being vampires!"

"You don't? Are you sure?"

"What do you mean?"

"This is not a dream anymore, Elena. You won't wake up from this one. You know what happens when we're around, is that what you want for your life?!"

Elena froze. She had thought about this before. Everything was so real to her that by the time she woke up she didn't know how to go back to a life without the supernatural in it. However, after these days without it all around her, there was something truly amazing about the tranquility of an ordinary life. Maybe she did have a problem with vampires, but things were not just black and white.

"I want you!" She yelled at him. Damon's eyes widened in shock and, as soon as Elena noticed, she realised what she had just said. "I don't see you and Stefan as vampires, just like I don't see anyone else as a label. I see you two as you are, with all your virtues and all your flaws. I don't care if it was all a dream. To me, it felt real. You standing here now tells me that it was more real than you are willing to admit." She tried to deflect the emphasis that she put on the 'you' part.

It was a fact that Damon had gotten more under her skin than she had ever realised. Losing him had a bigger impact than she had ever thought it would. However, she wasn't ready to just assume that her feelings were all clear, especially now that she knew they had meddled with her head. How could she be sure that what she felt hadn't been a manipulation as well? Elena needed time.

Since he heard that word, Damon stayed still. He didn't move his eyes away from her. Her body language was rigid, secure, but her eyes told a whole different story. He could see the confusion flowing behind them. After all they'd been through, after considering going away to never see her again, he had made piece with the fact that he would never get the girl. But now, there was a tiny spec of hope brewing inside him. Although he knew he wasn't good for her, she was the best part of him. If there was the slightest chance that she wanted him around, how could he disobey her wish? Of course now wasn't the right time and he also knew it was too far fetched. All he had to make sure was that he could protect her. Stefan had heightened all the dangerous supernatural stuff that could come around this town, it didn't mean, though, that they as vampires couldn't seriously hurt her. Damon had waited 170 plus years for any form of happiness, if there was any chance to reach it, he would fight for it.


Dear Elena,

I'm not sure if you'll ever read any of these letters, but I don't care as right now this is what keeps me somewhat close to you. How can I go away when you keep trying to find us? How can I just leave you when I promised I would never do it? I'm not good Elena but, the way you look at me, you make me feel like I could someday deserve you. No matter how much I vow that I won't put the burden of me on you, I'm just too selfish to ignore that...

Once again, thank you so much for your kind reviews. Please keep them coming! They are feeding my creative juices :) When I first started this story I promised myself I wouldn't use scenes from the show, however, Damon did meet Elena before her accident with her parents. That still olds true in my story as you know by the end of this chapter. I had to use the scene and explore their thoughts in order to develop their relationship. I hope I did it justice. As usual, feel free to contact me as I love keeping in touch with all of you.