AN: I have to apologize for the long wait. I am extremely sorry. But, today is my birthday, and I thought I'd treat you all with a chapter. Sorry it took so long, I had school holidays, exams coming up, and I had serious writers block. So, I hope you can all forgive me. A lot happens in this chapter. Please don't hate me for it, a lot of it is depressing. Do continue to review and feedback, I really really appreciate it. Unless of course you've all abandoned this story in my hiatus. Sorry again for the long wait. Hopefully the next chapter won't take as long! :D
Chapter 8: Denial.
Arthur and Gwen had carried on their secret relationship. It had been two weeks since Merlin had caught them kissing, it had also been two weeks since they'd decided to admit whatever feelings they were feeling for each other. Merlin didn't know what to do with this new found information. He didn't know who to talk to, who to tell, how to handle the idea of his best friend and the king doing something so idiotic. How could they do something so idiotic? How could the king betray his wife like that? How could Gwen let herself be used, be taken advantage off? It was obvious Arthur didn't love her. Of course he didn't. Commanders don't love surrogates.
It isn't done. Especially if that commander was King Arthur.
How could Gwen be so naive? Didn't she know the rules? Didn't she know that if anyone found out, if Caroline found out... she'd be executed in an instant? Didn't she care?
"Merlin," Arthur's voice startles Merlin's train of thought. He turns around to stare at the king; Merlin was beginning to hate Arthur. He was also finding it increasingly harder to hide his growing feelings of hatred.
"What?"
"Excuse me?"
"Sorry, sire. I haven't been sleeping well. Excuse my irritable manner." Merlin forces a goofy smile. Arthur frowns at him.
"Merlin, have you seen Lancelot around?"
Merlin shakes his head. He wasn't lying. He hadn't seen Lancelot in the past two days. He didn't really care, Lancelot was becoming an irritant.
"Do you have any idea where he might be?"
"Probably in his chambers. Since you relaxed his duties, he doesn't do anything other than stay in his chambers all day." Merlin replies, his voice cold. Arthur nods slowly.
"You don't have to finish cleaning up here." Arthur pauses as he begins taking off his chainmail before scanning his chambers. "Take a break, and tell Ofarthur I'd like to have a word with her." Merlin feels his anger growing at Arthur's mention of Guinevere. Arthur smiles at Merlin. Merlin nods before making his way out of Arthur's chambers.
"Sir Gwaine! What brings you here?" Caroline is surprised to see Gwaine waiting outside the castle, a cheeky grin on his face.
"What? Can't pay my two old friends a visit anymore?" Gwaine laughs as he approaches Caroline for a friendly hug.
"You can. It's just I thought you'd be with Ofgwaine. I heard about her sudden miscarriage."
Gwaine nods solemnly.
"The mood at home is unbearable. Vivette is a blubbering mess. Ofgwaine isn't speaking. I needed a break from it all."
"Understandable." Caroline smiles warmly at him.
"Aren't you going to escort me inside?" Caroline laughs before leading Gwaine into the castle.
"So, how are things with Arthur and the surrogate?"
Caroline is silent.
Gwaine persists.
"Is everything okay, Caroline?"
"Yes. Everything's great."
"You don't sound too convincing." Gwaine stares worriedly at his friend.
"Everything's fine, Gwaine."
"There isn't anything you want to tell me?"
"No."
"Are you and Arthur still..." Gwaine struggles to find the right words. Caroline averts her gaze towards the floor. She knows what Gwaine is getting at.
"Yes. Yes, we are." She lies, forcing a smile. "In fact, we did last night."
"That's good. It's always good to keep at it, even whilst the surrogate is on duty. Lack of intimacy often leads to marriage breakdowns, you know that."
"I know."
"You heard about Tristan and Isolde didn't you?"
"Yes, Gwaine." Caroline's irritation is growing.
"Ten years of marriage down the drain..." Gwaine frowns as he ponders. "Ten years wasted, all because of a cheap surrogate," he sighs, "it's disgraceful."
"Shut up, Gwaine." Caroline blurts out unable to stop herself.
"Excuse me?" They stop just outside Arthur's chambers.
"I'm sorry; I don't know what came over me." Caroline apologizes, flustered.
"Caroline, are you sure you're okay?"
Caroline shakes her head, tears welling up in her eyes. Gwaine studies her, a concerned look on his face.
"Why don't we say hi to Arthur later? How about a walk?"
Caroline nods, her face now wet with tears.
Arthur and Gwen are kissing in his chambers. They were kissing whilst Caroline was breaking down outside, and they were kissing now. Guinevere pulls away first, much to Arthur's annoyance. He wraps his hands around her waist pulling her back towards him.
"Arthur..."
"Guinevere..."
She laughs.
"Arthur, someone could walk in."
"Not without knocking." Arthur retorts.
"Merlin always knocks?" Guinevere is unconvinced. Arthur sighs admitting defeat.
"Okay, maybe you're right." He lets go of her waist, his eyes still fixed on her.
She grabs her veil from his bed, ready to leave.
"I have to go now."
"Why?"
"It's my routine check-up, for signs of pregnancy." Guinevere replies casually.
"Waste of time really." Arthur says, a smirk on his face.
"You know that, and I know that, but everyone else thinks I'm being the perfect surrogate and that we're actually performing the act, so I have to go... to keep up appearances."
Arthur nods.
"Do we have to keep pretending?" Arthur asks, a reluctant tone to his voice.
"How do you mean?" His surrogate frowns.
"Do we have to keep pretending to perform the act." He pauses, swallowing. He didn't want to sound like a pervert. "Why don't we just try it for real? I know I'm ready. I just want to know if you're ready."
Guinevere stares at him, a little stunned.
"Arthur..."
"Sorry, forget I asked. It was a stupid question."
"It wasn't a stupid question." Guinevere smiles at him. "I think I'm ready too." The pair regard one another, the hunger in Arthur's eyes growing. He moves closer to her, placing a soft kiss on her lips, the passion increases as the kiss turns into one filled with hungry desire. Guinevere pulls away again.
"I really have to go." She says, wiping Arthur's lips with her fingers. He kisses her again, an uncontainable smile on his face.
"Merlin!"
Lancelot had decided to leave his chambers.
"Merlin!"
Merlin was pretending he couldn't hear him.
"Merlin!"
"What?" Merlin turns around, frowning. Lancelot is taken aback.
"Have you seen Ofarthur recently?"
"No." Merlin replies bluntly.
"What's wrong with you?"
"How do you mean?"
"You're in a mood."
"I am not."
"Merlin, you are. You're usually bright and chirpy. It's like we've had personality transplants."
Merlin shrugs, still frowning.
"I'm fine."
"If you insist."
"Why do you need to see Guinevere anyway?"
"I just want to see if she's okay."
"Trust me, she's okay." Merlin replies dryly.
"Why did you say it like that?"
"Like what?" Merlin's voice is still dry.
"Like that."
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"What do you know, Merlin?"
"Nothing."
"Tell me."
"I said I know nothing." Merlin persists before walking away from Lancelot, leaving him alone, a suspicious look engraved on his face.
"You promise me things are okay with you and Arthur?" Gwaine and Caroline in the queen's chambers surrounded by her many flowers.
"I promise, Gwaine."
"Then why were you crying?"
"Things have changed. That's all."
"How?" Gwaine scans her chambers, a worried expression on his face.
"Since Uther's death, the pressures of being King and Queen may have added some strain." Caroline pauses, a forced smile on her face. "But it's nothing we can't handle."
Gwaine nods.
"If anything was wrong, you would tell me, wouldn't you?"
"Of course."
"Look, Caroline. I'm not going to lie to you," Gwaine locks eyes with hers. "Arthur probably is enjoying his surrogate." Caroline feels herself about to be sick. She wants Gwaine to shut up. "I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy my surrogate." Caroline frowns at him. "But... it's Vivette I love, and that's all that matters."
"That's supposed to make me feel better?"
"Doesn't it?" Gwaine is confused.
"Arthur is enjoying being with that thing but deep down inside he loves me, and somehow that's meant to make up for it all?" Caroline's eyes begin to redden, her anger building.
"Caroline..."
"Shut up, Gwaine. You haven't got a clue. You've always been a bit dim."
"Watch your mouth, Caroline." Gwaine's anger increases simultaneously with Caroline's.
Caroline laughs.
"What are you going to do? I am the queen. I am the queen. King Arthur is my husband." A maniac look begins to plague her face. Gwaine stares at her, his face filled with fearsome worry. He takes a couple of deep breaths before placing his hand on Caroline's shoulder. Her body softens at his touch.
"Caroline, have you been sleeping well?" Gwaine asks, genuinely worried for his childhood friend.
"No." Caroline begins sobbing again. "No, I haven't." She wipes her face, "how can I sleep when I know he's with her? How can I? Does Vivette sleep? Does she?"
Gwaine nods.
"Do you really believe that? Really? You really believe she sleeps? You really believe she'd tell you if she didn't? You really believe she likes the idea of you touching that piece of dirt you call a surrogate? Do you think knowing you love her makes up for the fact that you're enjoying that toy? Do you, Gwaine?"
"No." Gwaine's voice is hoarse.
"Of course you don't really believe any of it. You'd be an idiot to." A single tear rolls down Caroline's face as she picks up a nearby rose, taking in its scent. Gwaine stares at her, frozen.
Ofgwaine was at the check-up. Guinevere didn't want to see her, but it was unavoidable. Would she have to say sorry? Apologize for something that was completely out of her hands. Out of anyone hands. Yes, she would. Apologizing was the decent thing to do. She hadn't gone through the pain of losing a child, a child that wasn't yours, a child that will never be yours, and so Guinevere had to apologize, for being fortunate.
"I'm sorry." Guinevere says, staring at the solemn looking Ofgwaine. Her dark hair drapes down past her chest, framing her pale face. Guinevere swallows.
Ofgwaine smirks.
"It's not your fault, is it?"
Guinevere nods.
"It's not anyone's fault."
Guinevere nods again.
"I shouldn't care, I know that."
"You'd be heartless not to."
"The child was never mine. It was Vivette's."
Guinevere nods.
"I've been stupid for forgetting that." Ofgwaine stares at Guinevere. "Don't ever forget your place."
"That's not what you said before."
"I know what I said before. I was stupid, and wrong. Don't ever forget what you are. Ever. Don't ever let your commander trick you into thinking you're important. You're not. Men are good at doing that. Lying. Deceiving."
Guinevere nods.
"Don't ever forget that."
Guinevere nods for the last time.
"Ofarthur!" She makes her way towards Aunt Pauline for her check-up, unable to get what Ofgwaine had just told her out of her mind.
Was Arthur deceiving her? Was she being stupid?
"You didn't tell me you were visiting, Gwaine." Arthur smiles at his friend, taking a sip from his glass of wine. Gwaine smiles at the king, trying to disguise his inner feelings of worry.
"I wanted to surprise you both." Gwaine replies, returning his gaze to the plate of food in front of him. He wasn't hungry, but it would be impolite of him to not eat the king's food, it would also be suspicious. Sir Gwaine wasn't usually one to turn down a free meal.
"I must be honest, Gwaine. It hardly seems appropriate..." Arthur pauses, a serious expression now on his face. "…what with recent events and whatnot."
"Honestly, sire, that's exactly why it's appropriate. I felt like I was suffocating from all the depression. I wanted to see my closest friend. Take my mind of things." Arthur nods, smiling softly. His gaze quickly shifts towards Caroline. She was being extremely quiet. It wasn't unusual, but she was usually much better at putting up the doting wife front when guests were around.
"You're being unusually quiet, Caroline." Arthur says, his eyes still fixed on hers.
"Not feeling too well."
"I see." Arthur knows she's lying. He's about to say something but is interrupted by the arrival of Merlin.
"Sire!"
"Merlin, what have I told you about knocking?"
"Sorry, sire. I will knock next time, sire." Merlin responds, his voice determined.
"What do you want then?"
"Can I have a word, sire?"
Arthur laughs.
"A word?"
"Yes, sire."
Servants aren't meant to ask kings for 'words'.
"You're not being serious, surely? Can't you see I'm in the middle of something?"
"I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important." Merlin pauses, his eyes locked with Arthur's. "You know that."
Arthur nods, excusing himself from Gwaine and Caroline. He and Merlin make their way out of the dining hall and into the passage.
Arthur stares expectantly at his servant.
Merlin swallows. He suddenly felt nervous. Whatever feelings of determination he once had immediately vanished now he was face to face with his once friend.
"Well?"
"Arthur-" Merlin stutters. "I mean, sire..."
"Yes?"
"Sire, I know."
Arthur is puzzled.
"Know what exactly?"
"I know..."
Merlin doesn't want to have to spell it out. He nods his head suggestively, hoping the king will catch on.
"Know what, Merlin? I'm not a mind reader."
Merlin sighs.
"I know about you and Guinevere. I know."
Arthur doesn't give anything anyway.
"And what do you know exactly?"
"Do you really want me to spell it out for you?"
Arthur thinks.
"Yes, if you must." He eventually says, his heart racing.
"I know you and Guinevere are having relations with one another." Merlin's voice deepens. "I know. Don't deny it. I know, Arthur. I've known for the past two weeks."
Arthur swallows.
"No. No, you can't." His eyes widen with shock. "No. How? When?"
"Your birthday banquet. I saw you two kissing. In her chambers." Merlin pauses. "I wouldn't have thought anything of it, but there wasn't a witness outside, and she was kissing you back... and it looked like you were enjoying it, sire."
Arthur stares deep into his servant's eyes.
"I wasn't enjoying it." He lies. He had to lie. If he admitted his feelings for Guinevere, what's to stop Merlin from blurting it out to someone accidentally? What if he accidentally tells Caroline? No. No. He couldn't admit that what he had with Guinevere was anything more than him playing away. He couldn't put Guinevere in danger. No. He couldn't.
"You weren't?"
"No."
Merlin is unconvinced.
"I wasn't. She's something to pass the time. That's all." Arthur continues to lie, the pain in his chest growing.
"So... you don't love her or anything like that?" Merlin says, a slight smile on his face.
"No. Don't be stupid, Merlin." Arthur forces a laugh. "I can't like a surrogate, let alone love one."
Merlin laughs nervously with him.
"Does she love you?"
"I don't know." Arthur responds honestly. "She'd be stupid to."
Merlin nods.
"She's very fragile, sire." Merlin sighs. "I know it's not my place, but maybe you should stop whatever it is you're doing with her."
"Merlin, it isn't your place." Arthur's voice is stern.
"I know but-"
"But what?"
"But if you don't love her... why continue on? If you want to relieve yourself, sire, your wife is always there. Guinevere is nothing but a walking womb." Merlin says, making himself sick a little. He didn't really think Gwen was nothing but a vessel solely made for holding children. Of course he didn't.
"I was planning on ending it anyway." Arthur lies again. "She was beginning to bore me."
Merlin stares at Arthur, barely recognizing him. Who was the man in front of him? He was becoming more and more like Uther with each waking day. "Merlin, there's no need to mention to this to anyone. Okay?"
"Okay."
"Good."
Guinevere was back from her check-up. Lancelot had been waiting for her outside her chambers. Her face drops upon seeing him by her door.
"Ofarthur." He says, smiling at her. Guinevere nods, avoiding his penetrative gaze.
"Can we talk?"
"I really need to have a bath, maybe some other time." Guinevere replies, making her way inside. Lancelot follows before she can lock the door behind her. She sighs exasperatedly.
"What exactly do you want from me?"
"Why didn't you come that night?" Lancelot asks, his voice soft and filled with hurt.
"I didn't want to."
"Why not?"
"Why didn't I want to?"
Lancelot nods.
"I don't know. I barely know you. The thought of it... it made me sick." Guinevere answers honestly.
"I make you sick?"
"No."
"No?"
"You don't make me sick." Guinevere stares at him. "I just can't be with you, not like that."
"But you make an exception for the king?"
"Excuse me?" Guinevere was hurt. He'd made her sound cheap.
"Well, it's true. You barely know the king. Yet you walk in and out of your duty showing no signs of distress. It's almost as if you enjoy it."
Guinevere slaps Lancelot before she can think. He falls back before stabling himself, his left hand on his right cheek, he stares at her.
"What was that for?" Lancelot walks slowly towards her, she walks backwards away from him.
"I'm sorry." She whispers. "I don't know what came over me. I just... you said I enjoyed it, and I lost it." Guinevere stares at the floor, hand on her mouth, ashamed.
"It's fine. I was out of order." The pair stare at one another. Their moment is interrupted by three knocks on the door.
It was Arthur.
Neither Guinevere nor Lancelot move.
Impatient, Arthur walks in before he can be allowed in. He's more than a little shocked to see Lancelot and Guinevere staring at each other.
"Am I interrupting something?" He asks, his voice cold.
"No! Lancelot was just leaving." Lancelot nods, taking one last look at Guinevere before leaving her chambers.
Guinevere bites her lip nervously.
The king and his surrogate are alone.
"What did he want?"
"He wanted to know where I was all day. I didn't tell him about the check-up. He must have gotten worried. It is his job to guard me after all." Things were suddenly awkward between Arthur and Guinevere. Neither of them were entirely sure why.
"Guinevere, look." Arthur pauses. "We should perform the act tomorrow."
Guinevere's eyes widen.
"It won't mean anything." He adds.
"What?" Guinevere is hurt.
"I've been wrong to lead you on like this." Arthur continues.
"What?" Guinevere repeats.
"I've been taking advantage of you, trying to get you to trust me so the process would take less time, but let's not forget why you're here, Guinevere."
"And why's that?" Guinevere stops herself from crying.
"You're a surrogate. Commanders don't love surrogates. Commanders use surrogates, take the babies and live a happy life with their wives." Arthur repeats word for word the infamous lines from a speech his father made. He stares coldly at Guinevere. "That's all you are, Guinevere. Ofarthur." He corrects himself. "So tomorrow things will go back to how they should be. I am no longer Arthur, I am the king, you are Ofarthur. Caroline is my wife. Caroline is who I love... and you will bear us a child." Arthur says, trying to convince himself of his own words.
Guinevere nods. Ofgwaine was right.
She'd been so stupid. How could she have been so stupid?
AN: Please forgive me for the long wait. I feel terrible. Reviews are forever appreciated.
