Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

Thanks for all the reviews and calls. Rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) Any blasphemous views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

Honestly, for news, this Radio Hour sucks big-time, probably because the hosts are fairly bigoted blokes. Attack of the fangirls.


RCO Radio Hour

Session 9

Dietrich: That time again? Oh phooey, and I was looking forward to playing with the spoils of my raiding someone's family crypt for raw materials.

Suzanne: You mean the von Kampfers'? Oh by the way, you are on the air and I wonder if the Magier is listening to this.

Dietrich: Suzanne, I do believe you have set me up. How would you like to join me in the workshop?

Suzanne: Here's today's news. Ta-ta. (Hands him the news and takes off pronto)

Dietrich: Well, I guess it's only me for tonight since Isaak's still stuck in Hispania. This is Dietrich broadcasting from Nuremburg. Thanks to some nasty Church dogs, we have moved again. Let's see what's in today's news… Building collapses in Barcelona, dusty relics found in Rome, some exiled cardinal to visit the Holy City… blah, blah…. Sounds boring, doesn't it? Wait. What's this? Grave-robbing in Nuremburg. Police are offering a reward for any leads that may lead to the capture of the perpetrator. All victims were vampires of good family, including the Weisses, Schwartz and von Kampfers. A striking oddity is that in all the robberies, no grave goods were removed, only bodies of the newly dead. Eyewitnesses claim to have seen a suspicious figure loitering around the crypts before they were broken into. An eyewitness described the mysterious figure as wimpy-looking and effeminate… What? I am definitely not wimpy, neither am I girly…

Cain: (calls in) I beg to differ on that last part. Who was screaming like a girl last week on air? And that time with the tutu….

Dietrich: Oh (bleep) off. (Hangs up phone) Back to the news. A minor amendment. The eyewitnesses described the figure as a dashing and utterly charming youth…

Dietrich's fangirl: (calls in) Come on, Dietrich! We know it's you! We luv you! (fangirlish screams and squeals of delight) Let's go stake out a cemetery together by moonlight!

Dietrich: No, thanks. (hangs up) Latest news. German police have identified the grave-robber as Isaak von Kampfer, who also happens to be the most wanted vampire in the West for a litany of crimes. As to why he would be desecrating his own family crypt, let's just say he is psychopath…His crimes include conspiracy, murder and minor-abuse. Suspect is tall, pale complexioned with long black hair. He is also a heavy smoker…

Isaak: (calls in) Dietrich! Quit using me as a scapegoat for whatever mischief you have been up to in my absence!

Dietrich: Aw, I would have used Radu, save he is stuck under lock and key in a Yeniceri dungeon thanks to some minor prank involving a blond viscomtess and red dye. The sort that never washes out.

Isaak: Di, let's just say if you have committed something like desecrating my family crypt, you will be receiving a whole new definition of the word abuse from me. As much as I would like to chat, I have to keep a dinner appointment with a priest… (hangs up)

Yaoi fangirl: (calls in) Hey, Di, what's your pet name for Isaak? Is he a hell of a lover? How do you rate him in bed? Who's the dominant one in your relationship? Do you guys go bondage and SM like the yaoi-girls forums claim? Are you jealous he's meeting someone else for dinner?

Dietrich: Gah! (Hang up) Where do you people get those ideas from? A brief report on the weather. Sunny skies in Hispania, rains expected in Rome and sandstorms in Cartago. Strong winds are expected to hit Albion in the following weeks. Please call in now while I listen to some soothing Bach… (Strains of music) Oh, a caller. If you gonna ask about me and Isaak, take a hike.

Firey-Moonlight: The Inquisition Knight is recovering in the hospital after the trauma he went through because me. I couldn't help visiting and mocking him a bit, but when I left I quickly began to miss him! Cain said it was perfectly normal, but I went to a therapist to check. Anyways, when the doc found out I was responsible for putting a Knight in that position, he called the Church! Now they sent in some more knights after me, and while I managed to knock out or lose most of them, I saw my former partner among them! Emotions are running high now but I don't want to kill him so soon, maybe later but until
then...what should I do?

Dietrich: Why are you so squeamish about belting him one? Since he has joined the enemy and is trying to kill you, your partnership is officially over, ain't it? What I would give for a good excuse to choke Isaak and watch him writhing in agony… Next call.

Sister Kate: Excuse me, I happened to chance on this radio channel and I am utterly appalled by the contents. You seriously need counselling for any abuse you have suffered as a child. I am sure such thoughts are a result of any injury, actual or perceived, done to you by this Isaak.

Dietrich: Bug off, sis. I had enough counselling crap from Isaak to last me a lifetime.

Sister Kate: Now, now, I am sure we can explore those negative emotions and exorcise them… Argh! (Shrill tone)

Dietrich: (Lifts finger off a button on his switchboard and tone stops) Oops, did I scramble some circuits? (snicker) Take your goody-two-shoes counselling elsewhere, Nosey. Next call.

Former Yeniceri: Hello, my Mentor listens to this show so I though maybe you could help me. My Noble parents sent me to become a yeniceri, but I don't want to be one, I would rather be an assassin, and now I've met one, and I think I'm in love, but she doesn't seem to want me as her apprentice, any advice on how to impress her, so that she will let me become her protégé?

Dietrich: Charm her over with all the honeyed lies you can think up. Suggest she is special not only to you but to her people. Start a civil war or something and toss her up front. Chicks dig that saint thingy. Trust me on this. I have pulled it off once. You will still get top play second fiddle to her during the rebellion or what not.

Tres: Seeking the culprit who put Iron Maiden temporary out of commission.

Dietrich: Sorry, wrong number.

Tres: Negative. Call trace put coordinates at this address. Demand clarification for hostile action taken against a member of the Church. Failure will result in a rocket fired in your vicinity.

Dietrich: (looks out of window to see a Vatican airship approaching) Wait, would you believe it's friendly fire?

Tres: Negative. Launching in ten….nine…

Dietrich: How about an accident?

Tres: Negative…Eight…seven…

Dietrich: Good night and good bye! (grabs a safety helmet and scrambles into the conveniently located bomb shelter under the RCO's Nuremburg branch headquarters.)

Tres: Six… Five…Four…Three…Two…One… Launch!

(BOOM!)


Author's Notes:

Guess Dietrcih has played too far with Tres and Sister Kate. New address for the RCO radio station anyone?