Postcard 9

Like the cheesy 70's fold out picture panorama card? Thought it might be your kinda style (wink).

So today I finally convinced Cris to do something other than sleep, bitch, drink or hang out at the first aid room. We went on a great trip on a sailing boat.. visited some funky little islands. Was very romantic lots of couple, which was a great mood set for us two, not. Anyway at one point the boat anchored and if you wanted to you could swim to a gorgeous beach. Cris stayed put on the boat I went. At this point I could wax lyrical about the turquoise waters, the white squeaky sand or the picturesque coral.

But.. the punch line to this story was delivered when I got back to the boat, to a fuming, silent Cris. She gave me the cold shoulder until we got back to our rooms (well Burke's room, but you know what I mean). Then I got the full force wrath of Cris lecture on "Oh My GOD Meredith you can swim, you are a GOOD Swimmer".

Unlike you and your crappy confusing breathing metaphor, she used the S word (you know suicide). Harder to avoid than "I can't breathe for you" harder to ignore.

So to set the record straight. I did not try to kill myself. I did swim, at first, but I made a stupid fucking split second "poor me" mistake. And I will pay forever for that mistake, not physically, I was freakingly lucky there. But will you ever trust me? Will you (or Cris at the moment) every get over it & stop looking at me like I have two heads?

So I am facing up. I'm not pretending anymore that the fact that "you can't breathe for me" is about you dealing with my crappy life. I get that it's about the fact I gave up, and you know. I can't friggen believe that the two people I truly care about both know about a stupid moments hesitation and it has the potential to taint my relationships with them forever.

So I am sorry I hurt you.

I never meant to kill myself.

But when that moment of angst bit me in the butt, I fought like crazy and I came back for you, and for Cris.

So yes I can swim, and well. I was knocked into the bay and I did swim. But I was tired and cold & life kept crapping on me, and I paused, in a stupid stupid place. And I am sorry, more sorry than you may ever realise.

And yes I do love you, and you are the love of my life.

But are we ever going to be able to get over the wife, the choosing, the not swimming, the daddy issues, the intimacy issues? Basically is love enough to find the trust through all that crap?

I have no idea.

Meredith

PS – So by now I guess you figured the cheesy fold out postcard was a ruse for a long winded Meredith rant..