AN: Thank you all for the amazing reviews for the last chapter! Here is the new chapter. Warnings include some language and self harm. There are also a couple of things at the end of this chapter that you won't be too happy about but they are necessary for the story and must be done. Again, thank you all for your support of this story.

Say something, I'm giving up on you

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

Anywhere I would have followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I... will swallow my pride

You're the one that I love

And I'm saying goodbye

- Say Something - A Great Big World Feat Christina Aguilera

Magnus POV:

When Alec said that I didn't love him anymore it broke my heart. I have been in love before, but no one has ever made me as happy as him. No one can make me feel more than he can. I have never loved anyone as much as him. I will never love anyone as much as him.

I keep my eyes on his car as we make our way out to Allie's spot. I didn't say anything else about his arm. I know he cut. When I asked him his eyes widened and he looked ashamed before he hit me with the 'you don't love me' line.

I remember the first time that I saw his cuts. I was upset and angry. I wasn't angry at him, just that he would resort to that. I close my eyes briefly before opening them again. I can't help thinking about my mom and dad. They're both dead, and I went to a very dark place after mom died. I loved her more than anything in the world. How could I not have loved her so much?

She always knew the answer to everything. I wish that she could tell me what to do with Alec.

I know that I need to tell his parents. But he would never forgive me for that. They would have him committed again. But if I don't tell them he might hurt himself again.

It looks like I might lose him either way. I need to tell his parents.

I pull over onto the shoulder of the highway and pull out my phone. I click on Maryse's name and listen as it goes to voicemail. I figure this probably isn't the best thing to leave on voicemail so I hang up. I scroll down to Robert's name and again I get his voicemail. "Robert, call me back. It's about Alec."

I toss my phone back onto my seat and signal to get back onto the highway. He'll never forgive me...

The rest of the drive is uneventful and finally I'm pulling into the campground that ends with Allie's beach house and the spot where she died. Her parents car and Alec's are already in the driveway. Since I stopped on the highway I figured that they would get here first. Alec is waiting by his car and when I get out of mine he averts his eyes.

I've never felt more awkward as I step up to him. "You don't have to do this, you know?"

His eyes meet mine before looking at the beach where Allie's parents are already standing. "Yeah I do. I can't let them do this alone."

My fingers drift up to his left wrist against my own accord. He doesn't pull away and even lets me take hold of his sleeve. He lets me pull it up and I can see the bandages wrapped around his arm. I force back the tears and move my hand to his other wrist. He shakes his head.

"I only cut one arm. This is not as bad as it was before."

I clear my throat. "You're still hurting yourself. This isn't good for you."

His gaze moves to Allie's parents before coming back to me, "you have no right to tell me what is good for me or not. Let's go."

He marches down the hill towards Allie's parents and the beach and I have no choice but to follow him. Allie's mom hands me a white rose and another to Alec, she and Allie's dad have the other two. Simultaneously we all walk up to the water and lay the roses down in the water before stepping back.

We watch as the roses float out into the middle of the lake and begin drifting apart. I can't help the tears that slide down my cheeks. I feel an arm slide through mine and I look down to smile at Alec but instead I'm looking at Allie's mom. She smiles sadly and glances at Alec who has walked further down the beach with Allie's dad.

"He's cutting again isn't he?"

I could lie to her but it's not good for Alec if I do. "Yes. But as far as I know, he's only done it just this once. And honestly, it's my fault."

Her eyes widen, "why?"

I don't want to say it but I feel like I have to. "I cheated on him. I was really drunk and don't remember it though. I guess he heard it on the phone when he called me."

I'll give her credit, she doesn't get angry at me. But what is worse is her disappointed. "He loves you Magnus. He needs stability right now, and I don't think you are ready yet to give him that."

"But how long are we going to be in limbo? I've given him everything he's needed for a year. He isn't any closer to getting over... this." I wave my arm towards the lake and beach.

She smiles again. "It's a hard process. I can't give you a time period. He could feel this way for the rest of his life and no one could blame him because my daughter was all he felt like he truly had for their entire friendship. She loved him the way you love him. And on some level I know he loved her that way too. He feels guilty and angry and terrified all at the same time. He feels like if he lets her go it will feel like she never mattered enough to hold onto. I know these things because I see her..." her voice starts to break. "I see her in the sand and water here. I see her cute blonde hair with a pink streak through it. After she lost her hair, all I wanted to do was brush it one more time. I will never brush it though. I will never tell her to stop coloring her hair so much because her hair would fry again. I will never get to hold her in my arms again after she's had a nightmare. I will never... ever get to tell her I love her again, and to hear her say it back."

I can't say anything, I'm speechless. I can't help feeling guilty that I want Alec to get over Allie when I know now that this might be how he feels every day. And he might feel it for the rest of his life.

She dabs her eyes with her sleeve and I can see Alec and Allie's dad coming back towards us. "Magnus, you need to ask yourself if you can handle this. Be selfish this once and ask yourself if you can really handle this life. He will get better, but a piece of him will always belong to her. Can you live with that?"

"I don't know. I just... hoped that we could move on sometime."

"Love doesn't always work that way, Magnus. You have to take the bad with the good. I know you love him, and I know he loves you. Just think about the future that you want for yourself before trying to take care of him."

She steps over to her husband and they say goodbye to Alec before walking back up to their car. They get in and drive off and I'm left alone with Alec.

He looks up at me. "I love you."

It's not what I expect but I smile at him sadly. "I love you too. What happened with Ragnor, it will never happen again. I made a mistake."

He smiles back. "I know that you love me and what we have is amazing. I just don't know if I really fit in your world. You are a magnificent, shining star. I'm the black hole that will kill your light." The smile fades from my face and I can't help the shock but he continues on. "You cheated on me, and it hurts. I've never felt that kind of pain. I close myself off from everyone except you. I... don't want to break up. I want to try to forgive you. As for getting over Allie... This is me, I might never heal. Take it or leave it."

He is still angry but I can see the hope in his eyes. And as much as I want to pull him into my arms and beg for forgiveness again. I have to listen to Allie's mom. I love Alec, but the truth is...

"Alexander, I love you. I will always love you. I want to spend every day of my life with you. But you're wrong. I'm not that shining star. You are the star. You may not be shining right now but you are my star. Right now, I'm the black hole. I cheated. I broke your trust and I can't forgive myself for that. I hurt you. I think... that we need to try to fix ourselves right now. Let's make you shine and make me stop being the black hole. I think that you need some time away from me. I-"

"You're breaking up with me?" I can see the hurt in his eyes.

"No, baby, I just think we both need some space."

I regret those words the second they leave my mouth. His eyes don't tear up. They don't get angry. They're... a hollow shell. "Yeah, I get it."

I understand what he's feeling and I try to reach for him as he backs away. "Baby."

A tear rolls down his cheek, "don't."

I try to reach for him again and he jerks his arm away from me, "don't touch me!"

My arm falls back to my side. "I'm not breaking up with you. I talked to Allie's mom just now and she thinks that I need to spend some time thinking about what I really want. And I think that you do too. When Allie died you never recovered from it. And because of that we haven't moved on. I'm always going to be yours. But-"

"I'm done..."

I stop speaking and I look down at him. His eyes are back to being hollow. "I'm willing to try and forgive you. I want to be with you. I think that today was a step in the direction. When I went walking around the lake with Allie's dad, he convinced me to call my parents and tell them about cutting myself. They aren't happy, but they're going to be home when I get there. I know that I need help. I'm killing myself and I know that I have a lot to live for. I'm going inpatient at the hospital."

"Alec that's grea-" but he cuts me off.

"But it doesn't change anything between us. You've been drifting away from me for months. You think that you can heal me but you can't. You want me to forget Allie and go strolling through the future with you singing 'tra la la' but I can't."

My eyes shut before opening again. "I don't want you to forget her. I just want you to move on and not be as sad anymore."

"But it doesn't work like that. It's a long, hard process. I don't know if I can be saved from this feeling. But I'm going to try and save myself. You're right. You need to figure out if I'm worth taking into your future. And I need to know if... if I can really forgive you for what you did, I need to know if I really need you or if I'm leaning on you just because I know that you'll hold me up. When I get out of the hospital, I'll call you. I don't want to anchor you forever, I would prefer to... be your kite string. I want to help you fly and be the man I've always known you're supposed to be. I want to be better for you too. I love you, but I think that we need to break up, at least while I'm away. When I get back we can talk." He turns around and starts heading for his car but before he can get more than a few feet I grab a hold of his right arm.

"Alec I love you."

He turns to face me and he smiles with tears falling freely, "I love you too. The truth is, I can forgive you for sleeping with your friend because I don't think I would want to be with me either. Just... let's take some time to be alone."

This time I let him go and he walks up to his car, gets in, and drives away.

When I get home the Chairman comes up to me begging for food and I walk to the kitchen and put a scoop of dry cat food in his bowl. I go upstairs and through my bedroom until I get to my bed. It takes a few moments but I strip all of the sheets and blankets off. I won't keep any reminder of Ragnor here.

It wasn't until Alec really broke up with me that I realized that I was losing the best person that I have ever met. I know I complained about him, but the truth is, I just never wanted to let him down.

BANG! My fist hits the wall.

Bang! Bang! Bang!

I keep pounding the wall over and over again until my fist is wet. I didn't realize that I had closed my eyes until now and I open them. My knuckles are broken open and blood is running down my hand. I look at the wall and see that blood is also running down it.

I cradle my hand against my chest and walk to the bathroom. The pain is so intense. It doesn't take long to wrap my hand in bandages and when I'm done I sit down on the side of the bathtub. I cradle my head in my hands and finally... I let the sobs pour out of me. I don't know how long that I sit here crying but before long the tears stop. My eyes hurt and I know that they're probably red.

I push myself up and turn around to start the water, maybe a shower will do me some good, when I spot my razor. The idea hits me so quickly that I shove it away. I need to help Alec recover...

...But maybe I can't truly help him because I don't know what he feels when he hurts himself.

I try to stop myself as I pick up the razor. I try to keep myself from pulling up my shirt sleeve. I try to force myself to throw the razor into the bathtub but instead I press it against my bicep and press down.

I try to stop myself... but I can't.