Chapter 9

Overlooking the moonlit ocean, Gilbert and Anne sat on the old seat for some time in silence. Both of them wondering how they arrived at this place, both of them a little unsure how to proceed.

"You said you wanted to ask me something." Gilbert said, nudging her slightly.

"I did?" Anne asked, more than a little distracted by the warmth of his fingers on hers. "Oh- yes. I did actually." She looked uncomfortable, suddenly not sure she wanted an answer to this particular question. "Gilbert, why didn't you tell me you weren't going to Oxford?"

He was silent for a minute. "I guess I didn't know how to." He said, slowly.

To his surprise, Anne chuckled. "Really Gilbert?" She then cleared her throat theatrically. "'Dear Anne. Am staying at Redmond. The weather continues fine. Sincerely, Gilbert Blythe.' Would that have been so hard?"

He shook his head, a slight grin on his face. "More like 'Dear Anne, I'm staying because I miss you. Hope it's not awkward. Gilbert.'" he said with a mock frown.

She laughed, finding her cheeks suddenly warm again. "Well, I missed you too."

"I did consider the possibility that you would break something over my head again."

Anne's eyebrow lifted at this. "Why?"

"Well, for putting you through that in the first place. And as it turned out, unnecessarily."

Anne looked out at the waters thoughtfully. "I think I was too glad to see you to be upset." she admitted, and then smiled. "Maybe when I'm used to you again I'll get cross."

Gilbert groaned. "Not yet. We've had enough fighting to last us a while.'

"Agreed."

He looked at her profile, thinking of Phil's conversation only that morning. He wasn't willing to approach the Roy conversation yet; sensing she may not be ready to talk. He frowned slightly. Had Roy somehow hurt her? Caught up in his own thoughts, he suddenly became aware that she was talking to him.

"How was your summer?" Anne asked him.

He looked at her, not immediately wanting to admit at that moment how difficult it had been. His parents had written him often, his mother wanting answers to Gilbert's sudden change of mind. He had second-guessed himself more than once, calling himself the king of fools for even considering staying. In the end, the Dean had called him into his office, outlining an alternative campaign to finish his degree out well, and telling him bluntly that his career at Redmond had been excellent.

"You have the kind of mind that can go far, Blythe. And I'm not saying that Oxford wouldn't do for you as well. But better to finish on top of the pile, with important connections already in place, rather than have to start all over again in your final year. Redmond can do that for you."

Gilbert had left the office, promising an answer the next day. He had walked to his boarding house in one of the dingier streets of Kingsport and sat on the worn red brick steps for a long time. The breeze that blew past him carried the heat of the grimy streets, and he thought longingly of an island summer.

To stay or to go.

To go meant exile from the home he loved- trips back to the island would be non-existent. To go meant to let go of seeing his parents. To leave behind all that he had loved.

To go meant not seeing her again.

Gilbert rested his elbows on his knees and hung his head. The images flashed through his mind- her walking towards him at the wedding, her hand on his shoulder as they danced. Her furious face turning to him in the darkened classroom and seeing her cry like a broken child. He closed his eyes against the pain.

A rumble of thunder in the distance sounded; he lifted his eyes above the pavements, above the closely packed tenement buildings and stunted trees. There were clouds in the distance, and the humidity of the late afternoon seemed to press in all around him. He watched small unkempt children run past his step to their homes, seemingly chased by the sudden wind. As he turned his face towards the gust, a brief coolness whispered around him. It carried the scent of faraway pines, of home, of bittersweet longing. He caught his breath.

Anne.

The last memory hit him with the force of a tidal wave. Her breath on his face, the way her mouth had pressed against his so tenderly, the tears falling down her cheeks. Gilbert lifted his face suddenly, his jaw set. He had let her go then; watched her turn down the last bend in the road away from him. He couldn't do it again. He knew that she cared now- he knew she had missed him as he had missed her. If only for the sake of one last year in her life, he would stay.

Anne looked at him in the light of the moon, seeing that he was lost in thought. When he turned to her, he remembered her question.

"Hard," he said at last. He smiled at her then. "I guess I had a lot of decisions to make. I was extremely grateful to have work at the paper, but it's tiring. The printing room is very hot in summer." he said with a grin.

"How did you tell the scholarship people you were declining?" she asked.

Gilbert flushed slightly. "Well, it wasn't so much a matter of declining as of choosing which one to accept." Anne's head came up, and she looked at him in surprise. "I also won the Rainsleigh scholarship as well."

"Gilbert, well done! You must have worked hard for that."

"Thank you. It was the one I was originally going to take," he said awkwardly. "After the wedding when I- decided I couldn't do it anymore- I thought Oxford might be the better option."

Anne almost pulled away from him, some lingering guilt and hurt making itself felt, however Gilbert put his other hand over hers, stopping her movement. He looked at her in regret and spoke softly. "I changed my mind after that night. I didn't realise how much I had hurt you- that you thought I didn't care. And I know we grew apart last year- I know it would have been impossible to keep the friendship we had- but after that I just couldn't leave. I had to see if there was a chance for us to be- us again. Irrespective of any other relationship you had- irrespective of Roy. Your friendship means that much to me."

Anne sat still, her hand shaking inside his. She breathed slowly, unsure of how to respond. It was her. He had come back because of her. Her thoughts were scrambled, and she tried to return to a logical train of thought. He was her friend. He was back- they had a year together. Before- what? To have to say goodbye again? To separate pathways a year from now? Or to see him finally fall in love with someone who deserved him? She turned to look at him, some hurt lingering. Then she caught sight of his hazel eyes in the moonlight, and she sighed. They still had right now.

Gilbert watched the struggle cross her face, and gripped her hand tightly. If there was a chance, if he was to have any hope of winning her at all, he needed to be able to be honest- even if it hurt him. He unconsciously willed her to tell him about Roy- and was completely flummoxed when she did.

"You were right," she said at last. He raised one eyebrow at her. "About Roy. You were right."

While perfectly aware that he was doing a good job imitating a fish with his mouth hanging open in shock, he watched Anne tuck a loose red curl behind one ear, and begin to talk.

"He seemed like the right person for me. Poetic, romantic. But he wasn't. Roy has his own world, and it isn't the same one I am from." Anne said. "I think I was starting to realise that even before the wedding. I didn't- didn't- love him. And then when you said what you did-"

"I made it worse," he said with a grimace.

Anne's smile was ironic. "No, you merely stopped me from ignoring what I felt. Apparently, denial is something I am quite good at. Did you know that Gilbert?" she said wryly. She sighed and slumped against the bench. "Have you ever felt like you don't know yourself?" she asked, in a discouraged tone. "All this summer I seem to have been finding things out about myself that I didn't know. And things that any other reasonable human being should know about themselves. But no, for me it seems to hit all at once- and I had eight long weeks at Valley Road to think about the implications of that- all amongst people who didn't know me. I couldn't talk to anyone there about it, and I couldn't seem to write it to anyone in a letter, however hard I tried."

Gilbert watched as the self-recriminations began to flow from her, and didn't move when she pulled her hand out of his to stand, pacing the small area around them. She gestured in frustration as she talked, finally allowing her thoughts to flood out unchecked.

"Gilbert, I don't know who I am anymore. Everyone else seems to have some clue. Di and Fred have embarked on a beautiful life together, and they are so sure of who and what they are meant to be. I thought I needed to leave Avonlea- that coming to college would somehow teach me a better way to live- to find my purpose in discovering the world. And now, at the start of our final year, I realise I know less and understand less than I ever have. Isn't this supposed to be the place we find ourselves?" she asked, her voice passionate. "Even the frivolous Phil has. I don't know if you knew this, but there is a young man named Jonas whom she met this summer- and she is in love with him. She's not mixed up and mistaken, she knows exactly what she wants in life. I can't even seem to decide what clothing to pick out in the morning right now," she said crossly, making Gilbert chuckle. Anne sighed and sat down on the bench again. She caught the slight smile on his face.

"I know everyone thinks I'm crazy right now," she said wryly. "But I don't seem to know how to pull myself together. I'm not as wise as I once believed myself. I'm feeling completely lost, right at a time when I need to be making major decisions for my life. And I convinced myself that I knew what love looked like, only to find that I was completely wrong. And I hurt someone horribly in the process." She caught her breath in defeat and pain. "And you know how Redmond gossip is- I will be looked at as a jilt and a flirt, even by those who care about me most. I can't even tell Phil why I ended the relationship with Roy- last time something like this happened she was horribly upset with me. I don't think I could take her telling me how foolish I was again." she said, her voice breaking. "I know I was foolish- I know I have been an idiot. And I have already heard the whispers about me at college. Gilbert, people have been talking about me all my life- you know how it hurt me back then, and to have that happen again is excruciating."

Gilbert looked at her in astonishment, suddenly understanding. Of course- she had never been one to keep her thoughts inside, to be reticent. To have kept all of this bottled up would have damaged her even more. He thought back on their night in the schoolhouse- the words he had spoken, how harsh he had been- adding fuel to an already blazing fire. He shut his eyes, realising she had been punishing herself without mercy since then.

She sighed, and the two of them sat in a short silence.

"I wrote to Roy when I- when I got back to Green Gables that morning. I didn't want to leave things until we came back to Redmond, I thought it best to tell him as soon as I could. He was- understandably- very angry. But you were right. I didn't love him. And it would have been a terrible mistake."

Gilbert only nodded, thinking absently that running in circles yelling like he wanted to do might be considered in poor taste. Then, with a look at the girl beside him, he thought guiltily about what Phil had revealed, about the sleepless nights, the anguish he still saw in her face. He sighed, putting his arm around her thin shoulders.

"You've had a tough summer." he said regretfully.

"I think we both have," Anne stated. "Gilbert, this is an awful lot for you to have to listen to. It's not your job to fix me."

Gilbert grinned. "I thought we agreed that we both needed some fixing. Do we need to continue long walks at night time? I'm up for the scandal if you are. We might need warmer coats, though."

Anne smiled. "Maybe we should stay inside and torment the others like we used to," she said with a chuckle. "And take up the living room floor with all of our study materials, and frighten Aunt Jimsie with our arguments again."

Gilbert groaned, and Anne rolled her eyes. "Fine, we'll save the arguments for a few months down the track, when we've recovered," she said drolly. "You know we won't avoid it forever."

"Thank you." He stood to his feet slowly. "It's getting cold; I can feel you starting to shiver. We should get you back home."

Anne stood as well, very aware that he had been keeping her warm for the last half an hour. Her cheeks flushed, not wanting to admit that she missed his hand holding hers. He gave her a small smile and they began the walk back, his hands safely back in his pockets.

She looked at his profile, with a sudden sinking feeling. "Gil?" she asked cautiously. "Are you sure Christine won't mind our friendship? I don't want to cause you any trouble."

He didn't look at her, but there was a smile in his voice when he spoke. "I should probably let you know that Christine is engaged to someone from her hometown," he said deliberately. When he finally looked at her, she had stopped walking, and there was an indignant look on her face that made him laugh. "I told her brother I'd look out for her while she's at Redmond."

"But- but you—you-" she spluttered.

"You really shouldn't believe everything you hear, Miss Shirley."

Anne's grey-green eyes were narrowed, but there was a suspicious twinkle in them.

"Anne, sometimes you don't want to look like the guy that got left out in the cold," he said with a candid look.

"I'll leave you out in the cold-" she grumbled audibly.

Gilbert gave her a roguish grin that suddenly made her heart beat a little queerly. He pulled his hand from his pocket to take hers again and didn't miss the sigh that left her mouth as he did so.

"Come on, Anne. I'll bet Jimsie still has some hot tea on the stove."