New one-shot. I hope you enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee and I do not own the song My Hands by Leona Lewis off the album Echo.
I wake in the morning
Tired of sleeping
Get in the shower
And make my bed alone
I put on my makeup
Talking in the mirror
Ready for a new day
Without you.
Mercedes sat in front of her mirror fixing her make-up before going out with her friends for the night. It was nearly two weeks since Sam left and in those two weeks, Mercedes realized that she could no longer lock herself in her room. She needed to smile again. She needed to move on and adapt to a life without Sam Evans. Tonight she was going to do just that- smile and laugh even though there was still a black hole in her soul. She would put on her best dress, do her make-up and hair and maybe she will even dance tonight. Tonight she would be okay.
And I walk steady on my feet.
I talk my voice obeys me
I go out at night
Sleep without the lights
And I do all of the things
I have to keeping you off my mind
But when I think I'll be alright
I am always wrong 'cause...
Mercedes took a deep breath and studied her reflection before closing her eyes and opening them. She painted a smile on her face and said.
"You will be okay. Tonight you are going to have fun. You are going to smile. You may even laugh. Tonight you are whole. Tonight you are happy."
She almost believed her lies but then she saw the reflection of his picture on her 'Picture Wall' in her mirror. She studied the photo of her ex-boyfriend grinning at the camera like a fool. She smiled remembering how she had to tickle a smile out of him because he decided to be spiteful that day and wear his 'angry/constipated face' when she wanted to take a picture of him.
My hands
Don't wanna start again
My hands
No they don't wanna understand
My hands
They just shake and try to break whatever peace I may find.
Tears burned beneath her lids. She closed her eyes taking deep breaths trying to force away the memories breaking pass her facade. She fisted her trembling hands as tears flooded past her closed lids. She finally believed her own lie and then his face had to steal the false peace she found. Silent sobs over took her body as memories of him replayed in her mind.
My hands
They only agree to hold
Your hands
And they don't wanna be without
Your hands
And they will not let me go
No they will not let me go
She still missed him. She still missed him so much. She still missed his scent. She still missed his smile. She still missed his laugh. And oh heaven she still missed his beautiful hands. She missed how his calloused hands wrapped around hers. She missed how warm his pale hands were. She missed how her fingers perfectly fit in between the spaces his. She missed how his rough fingers would dance over her cheek to her jaw and then her lips. She missed every single part of him...
And she hated that.
She hated that every time she felt like she was making progress his memory would come creeping in the cracks of her walls.
Once Mercedes collected herself, she grabbed her phone off her dresser and sent Tina a text:
'Hey T, I'm feeling a little under the weather. I'm not going with you guys tonight- tell everybody I'm sorry but I'll see them next time.'
Mercedes kicked off her heels and walked over to her closet. She undressed and put her PJ's on. She heard her phone beeping and walked over towards the dresser.
'Bu-bu-but, I haven't seen you in years (okay in reality it's been three weeks but they feel like years). Anyhow I hope you feel better soon. I'll drop by tomorrow with some Tina lovin' to heal you. Love you!'
Mercedes smiled and texted her back.
'Tina Lovin'? I hope it's not the same lovin' you give Mike! It'll be nice to see you tomorrow. Love you too.'
Mercedes turned her phone off before turning her lights off. She climbed in her bed and hugged Garfield tightly to her chest as she closed her eyes hoping for a peaceful slumber without green eyes haunting her.
I talk about you now
And go a day without crying
I go out with my friends now
I stay home all alone
I don't see you everywhere
I can say your name easily
I laugh a bit louder
Without you
And I see different shades now
And I'm almost never afraid now
But when I think I'll be okay
I am always wrong now
"You look pretty tonight." Her mother said leaning against her doorframe.
Mercedes smiled at her mother as she put on her shoes. She was actually going out with her friends tonight to Bread Sticks and this time she was not going to chicken out.
"Thank you."
Her mother walked into her room and sat on her bed picking Garfield up.
"How are you?" Her mother asked. She knew her daughter was having a rough time after Sam's departure. She was the one who held her in her arms when she cried over him. She knew Mercedes needed to grieve over him, talk about him and slowly move on but every time she tried, talking about him her daughter would act withdrawn.
Mercedes bit her lip and stared at her hands.
"I'm-I'm fine, Mom."
Esther stood up and walked over to her daughter.
"You know that if you ever want to talk, I'll be there to listen."
"I know, Mom."
The older woman cupped her daughter's cheeks and kissed her forehead.
"Good and I love you."
"I know, Mom."
"And bring me back some breadsticks."
Mercedes rolled her eyes with a small smile gracing her lips.
"I know, Mom."
Surprisingly going out with her friends was more fun than she expected. She laughed the whole night through with her friends. When Mike brought up the topic of Sam surprisingly, she did not burst out of tears as she thought she would. She actually laughed when Mike shared a funny memory of Sam even though there was a sharp stab through her heart. She could finally talk about him now. She could finally remember him and smile at the same time.
She walked into her dark house and locked the door behind her again. As she headed to her room, she bid a goodnight to her brother lying on the couch watching TV. She took off her heels before walking up the stairs so she does not wake her parents. Once she reached her room, she quietly closed the door and turned on her lights to see the stuffed green tiger stare at her as it rested on her bed.
My hands
Don't wanna start again
My hands
No they don't wanna understand'
My hands
They just shake and try to break
Whatever peace I may find
My hands
They only agree to hold
Your hands
And they don't wanna be without
Your hands
And they will not let me go
No they will not let me.
Immediately the joy and piece she found crumbled and sharp stabs of pain shot through her half-healed heart unraveling the small stitch of progress she made tonight. She put her shoes on the floor and walked to the green animal picking it up and clutching it to her chest...but this time she did not cry like the previous times. She closed her eyes feeling the familiar yearning in her heart.
She could not live like this anymore. She could not have his memory keep stealing her happiness. She was going to let him go. She needed to find peace again and she needed to start tonight.
Sometimes I wake and I see them out for you
Quietly breaking whatever shields
I spent so long building up
I cannot fake, 'cos when they cry I'm unspoken
They miss holding my baby
She walked over to her closet and searched in the back for a big box. Once she found the box, she placed it next to the tiger on the floor before walking over to her bulletin board and taking off all their pictures with trembling hands. She went to her desk and searched for her songbook before taking the framed picture off her desk and walking back to the box. She sat down in front of it and placed the photos and book down next to her.
She opened the box to see the dress she wore to her junior prom. A sad smile spread over her lips as she lifted the dress out of the box and pressed it against her chest silently crying as the memories of her in Sam's arm replayed in her mind. That is where all of this started. She did not know if she should be happy or sad about it. If they never danced together, they would have never become friends and then they would have never have gotten together...and she would not have ended up so heartbroken. However if it was not for that prom she would have never gotten to know him. She would have never known his touch, his scent, his kiss. She would have never known how beautiful his soul is..
She put the dress back in the box as a bittersweet memento. She then took Garfield and hugged it tightly one last time before placing him on top of the fabric. She then took their pictures and studied them one last time memorizing every detail the gorgeous young blond before setting him free. She kissed their framed picture and placed it in the box- fat tears blinding her. She wiped away the tears before opening the book. She paged through the book until she reached the last page. She read the love song she wrote for him for the last time not even trying to stop the suffocating sobs trembling through her bones. With trembling hands, she neatly ripped the page and folded the song placing it in the box. She closed the box, stood up and placed it in the back of her closet.
My hands
Don't wanna start again
My hands
No they don't wanna understand
'My hands
They just shake and try to break
Whatever peace I may find
My hands
They only agree to hold
Your hands
And they don't wanna be without
Your hands
And they will not let me go
No they will not let me go
No they will not let me go
She wrapped her arms around her and whispered to herself:
"You will be okay."
This time she was actually believing herself.
Tonight she was sending his memory and her love for him into the universe so that she could move on and find happiness in herself.
The next one shot will be when Sam comes back.
