Soda and Steve sat at the kitchen table, each holding a hand of cards. They had decided to play a few rounds of poker, waiting for Darry to get home.
"What you got, man?" Soda asked, eyeing his cards and searching Steve's face.
"I've got a straight," Steve said, laying his cards on the table.
"I've got a flush." Soda also laid his cards down.
Steve narrowed his eyes and examined the hand. "Hey! You're trying to cheat. That's not a flush. You have four clubs and a spade!"
"Huh?" Soda looked confused.
"Come on, you really think you could get that past me?" Steve asked, laughing.
"No, I guess I didn't see it right. Thought all of them were clubs. Seriously, if I were going to cheat, I'd do a better job than that!" Soda laughed too.
The door opened, and Darry stepped inside, and Soda felt himself being zapped back into reality. He had been grateful for the distraction and normalcy of the poker game. Steve had collected the cards and begun shuffling the deck.
"Soda, you get the mail?" Darry asked, pouring himself a glass of milk.
"Yeah. It's on the counter. Darry, I-" Soda started to speak before Darry interrupted him.
"Isn't it your turn to cook dinner?"
"No, it's Pony's, but-"
"Well, where is he?" Darry asked, looking through the mail.
"Darry, please!" Soda said more loudly now.
"What, Sodapop?" Darry snapped, as he opened the water bill.
"Never mind. Nothing." Soda sighed, as he glanced at Steve, then got up and went to his room.
Steve slammed the deck of cards onto the table. "Darry, didn't you just hear him? He's trying to talk to you!" he yelled.
Darry cursed to himself, realizing his mistake. He had been trying to get Soda to talk to him, and now, here he was snapping at him when he tried. "I don't know what I was thinking. Just had a rough day," he explained apologetically.
Better hold on, Superman, it ain't about to get any easier, Steve thought.
"Sodapop, come back, little buddy!" Darry called from the living room.
Soda appeared in the hallway, looking unsure.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you. I'm listening now," Darry said.
"Dar, I really need to tell you something," Soda said, biting his lip and looking at Steve.
"Okay. Let's sit down," Darry replied, sitting down on the couch.
Soda sat down next to Darry, and before he could even ask, Steve was on his other side. Soda glanced at his best friend again, and Steve just nodded, laying a hand on Soda's shoulder.
"What's going on, Soda?" Darry asked, seeing Soda's troubled glances.
"Just tell him," Steve encouraged, squeezing his best friend's shoulder.
"Do you remember Dad's old pocket knife that I found?" Soda asked, looking at his brother, then taking a deep breath.
"Yeah. What about it?" Darry questioned, not knowing what that could have to do with anything.
"I did something I wish I hadn't," Soda told him, closing his eyes.
"Soda, you can tell me. Remember? You don't have to hide anything," Darry reminded him.
"Last Friday night, not too long after I talked to you on the phone," Soda began. "I cut myself," he mumbled.
"You mean on purpose?" Darry asked, feeling a knot of fear in his chest, as he remembered Soda's startled reaction when he had asked about that knife.
"Yeah," Soda nodded, feeling Steve squeeze his shoulder again.
"Just once?" Darry asked, though he already knew the likely answer.
"No. I tried not to do it again, but I couldn't stop. I didn't mean for that to happen. I just meant to feel better," Soda explained, as tears welled up in his eyes.
"Why did you do it?" Darry asked.
"The first time, I just felt so overwhelmed, and I don't know how, but it kind of made me feel better," Soda paused, collecting his thoughts. "Remember the other night and what I said about feeling like I was lost and just stuck in the middle of everything?"
"Yeah. Are those feelings what made you want to hurt yourself?" Darry asked.
"I think so. But when I told you that, I was trying to find a way to tell you about this too."
Darry's mind flashed back to Soda's pleading words about trying to feel better and what he should've done. He'd known Soda had been trying to tell him something else then. Darry sure hadn't expected this though. He sat in a sorrowful, pained silence, uncertain what to say to Soda. What could he say? How could he have not known his brother was hurting that much?
"Darry, say something," Soda said, fearing Darry was angry or disappointed in him.
Darry shook his head. "I just wish I'd seen it. I knew something was going on with you," he said.
"Hey, Soda, I'll be outside if you need me, okay?" Steve said, standing up, as he sensed he should leave the two brothers alone.
Soda nodded at Steve, before turning back to Darry."Aw, you couldn't have known. No one did. Steve walked in today and caught me." He found himself trying to reassure his brother. "He took the knife from me too, by the way, so I don't have it now. But if he hadn't come in and seen that, I don't know when I could've told anyone."
"Soda, you know I'm one who needs to understand things and be able to do something. Help me understand. Maybe I can help you." Darry put his hands on his brother's shoulders.
"I don't understand it all myself yet, but I think cutting distracted me from the feelings and even shut them off." Soda was grateful that Darry was listening, but growing uneasy about his calm reaction.
"I don't know a lot about this stuff, but it's not hard to see you must've felt awfully hurt to do that even once." Darry was still contemplating Soda's words.
"I was, and I think I was trying to find any kind of relief or even comfort, and-"
"Comfort? That's not comfort. It's destructive and dangerous, and you have to stop!" Darry was finally feeling the alarm at his brother's actions take over.
"I know! I know that!"
"Do you hear me? That's not comfort. This is comfort," Darry roughly pulled Soda into a crushing hug. "I will not let you hurt yourself anymore. If I have to make sure you're never alone, that's what I'll do." Darry nearly shook Soda, as he spoke.
"I know. I'm going to stop. I want to stop. That's why I'm telling you cause I can't stop by myself," Soda told his brother, returning the hug.
"Soda, please. If you feel like that again, come to me," Darry pleaded, his voice thick with emotion.
Soda pulled back to look at Darry, and he was instantly reminded of the night Pony had been taken to the hospital after the church fire. Darry had sobbed when they'd been reunited with Pony, as he voiced his fear that he'd lost his little brother the same way they had lost their parents. He was crying the same way now. Soda had never meant to scare him. "Hey, Darry, don't cry. I'm doing enough of that for everyone, ain't I?" he said gently.
Darry wiped his eyes. "Sorry, Soda. I just hate thinking of you hurting yourself like that. I never would've thought that's what was happening, Pepsi Cola. It's scary, and I wish I could've stopped you."
"It is. I'm scared too because I didn't know it'd be so hard to stop. I'm sorry, Darry."
Darry reached out and touched Soda's face, wiping away a few tears with his thumb. "You're going to be okay. I don't care if it's the middle of the night. You come to me if you feel like you want to cut. Got it?"
"I got it, Dar," Soda said, knowing he would feel like it again.
Darry kept his eyes on his brother, silently praying he'd be able to help Soda. He'd move mountains for either of his brothers. He loved them intensely with his whole soul. The thought that Soda was hurting so terribly that he felt going down a path of self destruction was a solution made Darry's heart break. Darry remembered how he had told Soda he would be there for him unconditionally, that he wouldn't let him hurt alone, and he hoped that promise would be enough.
"Steve!"
Steve jumped when he heard his name being called. He'd been thinking about Soda and hadn't seen Pony and TwoBit walk up on the porch. He hadn't been aware of their presence at all until TwoBit said his name.
"What are you dreaming about, man?" TwoBit asked.
"Nothing," Steve answered, shaking his head. He glanced at Pony, who was staring at him. "What, kid?" he asked, not unkindly.
"You look like you've been crying," Pony said.
"Yeah, well, so what if I have? My old man kicked me out again," Steve said.
Pony only shrugged his shoulders before going inside. Steve breathed a sigh of relief, then found himself hoping Darry and Soda were done talking. He knew Soda, and there was no way he'd want his little brother to know about the cutting. Not yet anyway and maybe not at all. Pony practically worshiped Soda, and Steve believed he only saw the happy-go-lucky side of his brother. His view of Soda was so perfect and idealistic, like he believed he didn't have any problems or pain. Or even if he did, he would just naturally get over them. Steve thought Pony could use a reality check, but at the same time, he wasn't sure how the kid would react if he knew what had been going on, and Steve didn't want Soda hurt any more than he already was. Pony might just expect him to snap out of it, and Soda didn't need that. Steve knew that Pony truly loved his brother, but his perception of Soda had him up on a pedestal, and he wasn't one to want to see the aftermath when Pony finally realized his brother was human too.
TwoBit was still standing there and broke into Steve's musings. "Pony might buy that, but don't insult my intelligence. I know you better than that, and I know there's no way you'd be crying about your old man."
TwoBit was right, but Steve couldn't tell him what had transpired that afternoon. He didn't believe it was his place to reveal Soda's struggle or the way he had discovered it. He didn't particularly want to talk about it anyway. Thinking about the moment when he'd seen Soda pressing that knife into his skin continued to give Steve chills. He shuddered, just as the cold wind blew into his face, distracting him from the fear and guilt that had settled in his chest.
Pony peaked into Darry's room and saw him putting fresh sheets on his bed. "Hey, Dar, everything okay?" he asked.
"Yeah, sure, Pone. Where have you been? Did you go to the movie house?" Darry asked.
Pony knew he was just trying to change the subject. "No. I changed my mind. I was at the library. I was studying until TwoBit showed up and almost got us both kicked out," he replied, grinning.
"I didn't know TwoBit even knew where the library was!" Darry laughed.
"Darry, what's going on? You look like you've been crying and so does Steve. Soda does too, except that isn't exactly unusual lately anyway. Did something happen today?" Pony decided to try again.
Darry sighed, unsure what to say. "Soda's having a tough time, Pone," .
"I know that. Anyone could see that. Steve told me some story about being upset that his old man kicked him out. Give me some credit." Pony rolled his eyes at their attempts to hide from him.
"Just be there for Soda, okay? If he wants to talk to you, he will. But don't push him. He's had a rough couple of hours."
"I know things are bothering Soda still, but that sure doesn't explain how you and Steve both look. Is he okay? What did he say to you guys?"
"Look, Pone. Just do what I said. Give him time."
"You're making me more worried, Darry. I know there's something you won't tell me."
"You're right," Darry conceded. "But let Soda tell you, if he wants."
Pony sighed, realizing he wasn't going to get more than that out of his big brother. He left Darry's room and stood in the doorway of his and Soda's room. Soda sat next to the window, appearing to be staring at the sky. Pony heard their little radio playing "Mr. Tambourine Man."
Soda quietly sang along. "Take me for a trip upon your magic swirlin' ship. All my senses have been stripped. And my hands can't feel to grip. And my toes too numb to step."
A/N The song belongs to The Byrds :)
