Talk Out the Pain
Reference Outline: Chapter 7, Paragraph 3
Anna nearly skips down the hall to Elsa's study, taking joy upon still seeing the mystified looks still lingering on the faces of everyone she passes. Somewhere she notes that it should be sad how shocked the castle is at Elsa being in higher spirits for once, Anna decides to focus on the positive side of the equation; Elsa's happiness.
The young royal stops in front of Elsa's study and poses her hand to knock, when a sound makes her pause. Tilting her head and perking her ears, Anna leans towards the door to better determine the source. She listens for a moment before a grin breaks over her lips. Elsa's humming. When was the last time she did that? It's not a question Anna's equipped to give a definite answer, but she's sure she can make a fairly accurate guess.
Leaning back, grin still splitting her face, Anna raps her knuckles against the wood in her signature jingle she hasn't used since before she left Arendelle for Iloa. The humming halts.
"Come in." Elsa says, her voice content.
Anna enters and closes the door behind her. She sends the elder an affectionate smile. Elsa surprises her with by giving a slight one—barely a twitch on the lips—in return.
"I see you're looking happier." Anna says warmly, settling on the armrest on one of the chairs in front of Elsa's desk. "It suits you." The queen huffs a vaguely amused laugh, but there's an edge to it.
"I don't think anyone is outfitted to look good in whatever hole I dug for myself." Elsa says, her eyebrows furrowing and a frown creasing her lips. It's a subtle change, but Anna knows just how deep that statement runs. It's hard not to after she witnessed Elsa fly off her rocker first hand. Hell, the circumstances even had Anna experiencing her own moral plunge and she knows how heavily that affected her . . . and that only lasted a few hours, not days.
Anna hums thoughtfully. "Perhaps." She allows. "But even while you let that darkness define you, you never really let it take over." Elsa eyes Anna warily.
"I would have murdered Phillip had you not jumped in front of him, I was fully prepared to lay Pryne to waste and I'm actively trying to kill your wife. How, exactly, does that translate into not letting the darkness take over?"
The redhead smiles kindly. "Arwyn's still alive this morning, isn't she?" Elsa frowns at the reminder.
"Her actions gave her a temporary pardon,"—she says slowly, carefully—"but I haven't given up on getting her out of the picture." Anna shrugs, as if it's an arbitrary matter.
"That's fine." She allows. "It still proves my point. If you truly threw your values to the wind you would have offed her right then and there, no questions asked." Elsa's eyebrows shoot into her hairline.
"'That's fine'?" The monarch questions. "That's one of the last sentiments I expected from you, considering how vehemently you've been fighting for her safety." Anna crosses an ankle over her knee, the barest hint of a frown tugging on her lips.
"Believe it or not, I've been searching for a way out of our union with just as much gusto you've been putting into your self appointed assassin order. The difference is that I care about her too much to approve of your solution." At Elsa's look, the princess consort raises an incredulous eyebrow. "Don't contemn my Anna Complex when it was the exact same—and only—thing that keep me coming back to your locked door all those years ago." Elsa winces. Anna sighs softly through her nose. "Arwyn's done a lot for me out of the kindness of her heart, never expecting anything from me in return. She deserves more than a sword through the neck. I think you believe that too, somewhere, but I think it's coming from that little voice you stopped listening to because it was too kind . . . and ended with you getting hurt."
Elsa eyes Anna cautiously. "How—"
"I know you." Anna interrupts. She drums her fingers on her thighs. "I know you better than you do, sometimes." A hazy look shadows her eyes, memories ghosting to the forefront of her mind. She shakes her head softly, chasing the past away. "That and I have the same voice." She continues. "It's the one that convinces me that being a good person and doing good by those who deserve it is the right thing to do. It's gotten me hurt a lot, like when . . ." She stops herself before mentioning her botching the peace negotiation between Iloa and Pryne, leading to her marriage. She swallows thickly. "But I suppose it's in my nature to be optimistic and kind, almost to a stubborn fault. The only time I lost that, I truly lost that—" Anna's voice falters. She clears her throat. A sadness creeps into Elsa's eyes, but she doesn't interrupt.
"The only time I lost that,"—Anna continues, an emotional waver threatening to crack her speech at any moment—"was when I thought I lost you for good." Tears well in her eyes. "I remember emotionally shutting down and letting my primal urge for revenge take over me completely. I didn't just have the desire to slaughter all those I blamed in cold blood, I wanted to kill them and I wanted others to try to stop me so there'd be more people for me to cut down. I've never wanted that before, not even during the Iloa-Arendelle war and that's . . . that's frightening." She shakes her head, getting herself back on track. "In the aftermath Arwyn was able to talk sense into me again, but it didn't change the fact that I almost ripped her father limb from limb."
"Anna, I'm sorr—"
"No, I need to say this."
Elsa hesitates but a moment before giving an uncertain nod. Anna's eyes soften, her leaked tears running salt water rivets down her face and dropping from her jaw onto her clothes.
"I lost myself, Elsa." Her voice cracks, and her face twists in pain. "Nothing can ever take back that moment when I snapped, and I will forever be left with the fear that it will happen again, except next time I won't have someone to stop my decent." She locks her blurry gaze with Elsa's. "I may owe Arwyn a lot, but I will never be able to repay her for stopping me from completely becoming something I'm not. It's the reason I kicked you off the Royal Grace when you came to off Arwyn – I saw the same vacant, all-consuming murderous hatred in your eyes that I had myself, if only for a couple hours. I couldn't let you make the same mistake I almost made, not when the mere thought of knowing what I wanted to do made me retch in the aftermath.
"We're good people, Elsa." The redhead frowns, as if to say 'or at least we used to be.' "We've been dragged through a series of tainting situations, and those stains will forever blacken our souls, but I refuse to let either of us lose any more of ourselves." She pauses, taking a moment to consider her next words. "A huge part of us has already disintegrated." She says, slowly, not quite able to meet Elsa's stare. "I, myself, lost enough to allow all my values and beliefs to be tossed into the sea because I didn't want to feel anymore. While I only reached that point a couple weeks ago, I suspect you've been teetering on that edge for a very long time now. Perhaps you've already crossed it prior to your decent in Pryne and Gerta—or someone—pulled you back to your senses.
"But my point,"—Anna continues—"is that there won't be anything left of either of us if we allow our darker instincts rein on even one of our decisions from here on out." She rubs her now mostly-healed ribs subconsciously, lost in the memory of Elsa throwing away her inhibitions at their last meal in Pryne. Elsa winces at the action, but otherwise keeps herself composed.
"I don't want to lose myself." Elsa says, waiting for Anna to blink herself out of her memory before continuing. "But you have to understand that I don't have enough of myself left to support me in another long game of wits and political technicalities. I'm slowly falling apart, and if I don't get you back to keep the remaining pieces in place your eventual solution won't mean a thing." She closes her eyes, not wanting to see the look on Anna's face as she goes on with; "If I'm going crumble either way, I'd rather do it on my own terms rather than leave it up to when my developing insanity reaches fruition."
Anna is quiet a for a long couple of seconds, making Elsa cringe in anticipation. Anna watches the sight with a carefully blank look, contemplating.
"Would you be willing to do it on my terms?" Anna asks.
Elsa stills. Confusion slowly consumes her and she opens her eyes, meeting Anna's gaze.
"I already said I can't handle the political solution you're striving for." Despite her words, there's a question in her tone. She searches Anna's face for a hint of what she's thinking, but she's becoming shockingly—tragically—good at masking her emotions.
"What if I told you I have a probable, semi-happy solution for everyone that we can set into motion sometime later today?"
Elsa freezes, her mind whirling. What solution could Anna have possibly come up with in only ten and a half days that neither of them thought of in the last fifteen—sixteen, now—months? Elsa eyes the younger royal warily.
"I would probably ask you what you mean by semi-happy."
"And if I told you it meant happy for us and hopefully happy for Arwyn?"
Elsa puts her elbows on her desk, interlaces her fingers and rests her chin on top of hands, an eyebrow raised in interest.
"I'm listening."
A/N: This is the second last chapter, so there's only one more coming your way.
