3:52 am. I glance back up at the ceiling. Jacob still hadn't come home yet. I only knew because I had been drifting in and out of sleep hoping to hear my car pull into the garage. The tears had slowed down, only letting a few escapes every so often.
I could hear the murmurings downstairs. If I tried, I could have heard every word said. I was sure they were talking about me but I had no interest in finding out if I was right. The only thing I caught was a faint "stupid dog" from my Aunt Rosalie. That's when I decided to stop listening. Every so often I glanced though my window to where the pool house was. It was still dark, only faintly lit up by the reflecting pool lights.
Slowly I started to drift again.
4:34 am. I thought I heard a car coming up to the house, but they only passed by. I rubbed my eyes and turned to my side. I refused to look at the pool house anymore. It was getting pathetic.
I started to think about imprinting. Had I missed what it really meant? Maybe Jacob didn't want to be tied to me anymore. Maybe he was held here against his will and maybe he was upset he didn't have a choice. Am I upset that I didn't have a choice? I tried to imagine myself with someone else but I just couldn't. I quickly pushed it out of my mind. If I couldn't have Jacob, then I would just be alone. The thought of wanting anyone else in the way I wanted him seemed impossible.
5:24 am. I've hit a new low. I've decided to sit on my window seat, leaning my head against the window watching the pool house again. I shouldn't be this pathetic, but I can't sleep. I can't imagine why Jacob isn't back yet. I'm starting to worry if he is ever going to come back. This is the first time I didn't know exactly where he was. I didn't care if he doesn't want me in that way anymore. I find myself desperately wishing that things could go back the way they were. If I can't have him in the way that I want, then I'll take what I can get. I just want him to come home. I want my best friend back. I start promising myself that if he comes home soon, I'll run down to him. I'll apologize for what I did and we'll never speak of it again. The tears start escaping again.
The sunlight started to creep through the windows. I already knew my mom was sitting next to me. Her scent had always been comforting to me. I wondered how long she had been there. She slowly strokes my hair out of my face. I notice that I'm in my bed, though the last thing I remember I was still sitting by the window.
"Good morning, sweetie," my mom said.
I yawned and sat up. I wasn't sure I wanted to talk about this now.
"Rough night?" she asked.
I nodded my head. I looked up at her and could tell she had a rough night as well. She had probably spent the whole night worrying about me. All of sudden, the tears started running down my cheek.
She took me in her arms and more tears flooded out.
"Your father told me what happened." I looked up at her. "You know your father doesn't mean to pry but it killed him to see you so upset. He had to know what happened."
She wiped the tears off my face.
"I know you're confused and it hurts, but he does love you."
I shook my head.
"Not the way I love him," I whispered.
She sighed.
"Renesmee, sometimes men end up doing the wrong things even though they may have only the best intentions. He'll find his way back. They can only stay away from us for so long."
Just then I heard the car pull into the garage. I quickly got up to look out the window. He was home. I saw him quickly walk to the pool house with his hands in his jean pockets and his baseball cap pulled low.
My mom came to stand behind me.
"Why don't you spend sometime with Aunt Alice today? Give him some more time to think."
Shopping was usually on the agenda with Aunt Alice. Though the mall was the last place I wanted to be, I knew I couldn't be here. If I stayed I would end up locking myself in my room just so I could watch him. There was a knock on my door. Alice must have seen my mom's suggestion.
"Hi, Nessie. Would you like to go to the mall?" Alice asked as she opened the door.
"Yes, give me two minutes?" I asked.
"Okay. I'll wait downstairs."
My mom hugged me and gave me a kiss on the forehead.
The mall was a nice distraction, though my thoughts always kept turning back to Jake. Quickly it seemed I was holding a dozen bags. I hadn't remembered really trying anything on. I must not be much for company. I would have to get something for Alice, as an apology for being such a bad shopping partner. I remembered the handbag she was eyeing at the last store. She would have gotten it but I knew that Jasper already was giving her a hard time about how many bags she had and how many she hardly used. They were overtaking his side of the closet, which was dismal compared to Alice's side. I had heard him complain to my dad. Well, he couldn't say anything if I bought it for her as a gift.
"Thank you," she said.
I rolled my eyes and she shrugged.
"I figured it was you. I saw the bag sitting on my bed."
"Why don't we just turn around and get it now."
"Works for me."
As we turned around I heard my name being called.
"Hey Nessie! Wait up!"
It was Annabel. She was trying to catch up to us. I noticed that she was wearing a name tag. I didn't know she had worked at the mall.
"Hi Annabel. You work here?" I asked.
"Saving for college. Hi Alice, how are you doing?"
"Good, thank you for asking? How about you?"
"A little rough. I forgot I had to work so early this morning, so I'm a little tired. Looking forward for a nap."
Annabel turned to me, "So…. anything happen after I left?"
Alice could tell I was uncomfortable talking about last night, she gave me a look to see if I needed an easy out. I quickly shook my head. I didn't really mind talking to Annabel about what had happened. I was becoming more comfortable around her.
"Hey I'm going to pick up that sweater at Nordstroms. I'll meet you in the handbag department in a few?" Alice asked.
"Okay sounds good."
"It was nice seeing you Annabel," Alice said as she walked away.
"You too Alice." She waved goodbye.
I turned to Annabel. "Are you on break?"
"Yeah. 2 more hours to go and I'm done. So tell me, what happened?"
"Uhm… he wasn't… it didn't happen the way I wanted it to." I was trying to figure out a better way to say that I had been completely rejected.
Her eyes widened and shook her head.
"I can't believe it. That's so weird," she said. "I'm sorry."
I shrugged.
"Have you talked to him at all today?"
"Nope."
"Oh that's got to be weird. You guys living at the same house. That's probably why you're at the mall."
"Yeah, hanging out home didn't sound very appealing."
"Well he made a huge mistake. I know like 5 guys who would be willing to take his place in a second."
I laughed. "Thanks for making me feel better."
"I'm serious Nessie, they have been asking me if you have a date for homecoming. Actually, they have been asking me if I could run it by your brothers first."
"I don't know about homecoming anymore. I can't imagine going with anyone else," I said honestly. I had really looked forward to homecoming, I would be sad to miss it. But I guess I would have next year. Maybe by then, things will be different, I thought hopefully.
"Go with me and my friends! Oh Nessie, it will be so much fun. Just the girls!" she said as she grabbed my arms practically bouncing up and down.
"Okay," I laughed. "Sounds good." It did sound better. At least I wouldn't miss out.
"Hey I gotta get back. I'll see ya."
I waved goodbye.
When we arrived home, I made my way with all of my bags upstairs. As I got to my room, I quickly glanced out the window. I noticed Jacob walk out of his door and head to the house. He was past the pool when he turned around and headed back to the pool house. When he got to his door he stopped again. He shook his head, turned back around and started back to the house. Only this time he stopped halfway and turned back again.
Looks like I'm going to have to be the brave one, I thought. I took my bags and put them into the closet. I pulled out a new t-shirt that I had bought and decided to put it on. As I walked out of my room, I saw Jacob waiting in the hallway just outside my door.
"Hey," he said.
"Hi."
It was silent for a moment. He was looking at the floor, running his fingers on the back of his head. I was staring at him waiting for him to say something. He took a deep breath and looked up at me.
"Can we talk?" he asked finally.
"Okay."
He didn't move and neither did I. His eyes moved towards the stairs. I could hear the moments of my family. I knew he was uncomfortable talking with an audience, just as I was.
"Would you like to take a walk?" I suggested.
"Yes."
We walked outside through the forest. I could hear him following me from behind. When we were a few miles out, I stopped and turned around. I stared at him as he continued to stare at the ground. He took another deep breath and looked up.
"I wanted to apologize for last night. I tried to explain but you had left so fast."
Apologize? I thought.
I eyed him closely. "What exactly are you apologizing for?"
"For kissing you. It was irresponsible, I shouldn't have done that."
I was shocked. I clearly remember that it was me who had made that move. That was one of the bravest things I've ever done. He wasn't taking credit for that one.
"I kissed you and you pulled away," I said.
"No, I kissed you and then pulled you away."
I shook my head.
"It's beside the point. I shouldn't have let that happen. You are too young and I wasn't thinking."
I ignored his too young comment for now. There was one thing I had to know.
"Did you want to kiss me?" I asked.
He was silent. He looked at me, like he wasn't sure if he should answer or not sure that he wanted me to know.
He sighed and finally answered, "Of course. It's all I have been thinking about… kissing you."
My heart skipped.
"Really?"
"Yes."
I walked over to him. I wanted to know more, to confirm that I wasn't alone in my feelings.
"Are you in love with me or do you just love me?"
He paused again and looked at me straight with intense eyes.
"I'm more than in love with you. I'm unhealthily obsessed with you."
I was floating, almost bursting inside. It was like everything was clear and the world made sense again. But as I looked at him he didn't seem to have the same feeling. It was like he dreaded it. I felt my heart sink.
"Then why did you pull away?" I asked
"Nessie, I had to. Do you realize you've only been alive for 6 years? You haven't lived your life yet, what happened shouldn't have happened till years from now."
"Like when?"
"When you're legal."
I laughed, "Are you kidding me?"
"No," he said with a very serious tone.
All of these emotions were running through me. It felt like I couldn't grasp any of them. I was so elated I could burst but then I was so taken a back that he was filled with dismay. It was like my feeling of bliss was wrong. It made me upset that he was making me feel that way. No, it made me furious.
"What I feel is wrong?" I asked as I glared at him.
"It's not wrong, it just…not the right time."
I stepped closer.
"So what do you suggest we do now? We act like last night never happened, like we don't have these feelings and wait 12 years? Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?"
"It's not ridiculous," he said quietly.
"You're going to let me wait till the next time I have to repeat high school before I get a boyfriend?"
He didn't answer me. I could feel this avalanche of anger rolling through me, slowly getting bigger. I should probably step away from him but I only stepped closer
"I'm not a child, Jacob."
Every silent moment that passed added on to my fury. I wanted to shake him, knock some sense into him.
"So you're going to refute me? Not have me till twelve years have passed?" I stared him down.
Nothing again. My hand was shaking. A few tears dropped from my eyes. He was going to force me to pretend my feelings and his feelings don't exist for 12 years. I was seething. He has never denied me anything ever before and the one thing I wanted the most he wouldn't let me have. I stepped closer. I could almost feel his breath on his face. His heart was racing and his face pained.
I looked up at him.
"So what if I kiss you? Will you always push me away?" I asked barely pushing the words out of my mouth.
He looked down on my face. I could see the unjustifiable hurt in his eyes. He was doing this to himself…to us.
"Nessie, your six years old."
That's was it. I didn't have any control over my body. My shaking hand that had stood by my side came up and slapped him. I heard his jaw crack. I would have felt guilty but I knew he would heal in a minute. He needed a wake up call and to be honest, I could have taken his jaw off. I stepped back.
He looked down at the ground, his hand checking his jaw.
"That's the first time I got hit for not kissing someone," he mumbled.
I didn't know what he meant. Frustrated, I turned around back to the house. He followed me closely.
"You should probably have my grandfather look at that, just in case," I said over my shoulder. I was starting to feel guilty for what I had done. I shouldn't have let my anger get the best of me but I felt a lot better.
As we made it to the house, almost reaching the back porch, Jacob caught my arm. I looked back at him. He looked miserable. His eyes watered over but he won his fight with the tears.
"Please Nessie. I can't stand you being upset at me," he pleaded.
"Where do we go from here then?" I asked.
He didn't say anything and I knew I wasn't going to change his mind, at least not tonight. But I also couldn't stand fighting with him. Like I thought before, if I couldn't have him the way I wanted it, I would take him any way I could. I needed him with me.
I sighed as I took his hand and lead him into the house.
