My mom has always been there for me; she was the one who helped me learn to tie my shoes and the one who would pick me up when I had fallen and scraped my knees. She would make me chicken noodle soup and sing me the Beatles instead of a traditional lullaby, but there's no one here now and I can't decide if what I did was right or wrong. I know what I did feels right, I have Cas curled up behind me, his deep, even breathes are warm against my neck. But I don't know if it is actually the smartest thing I could've done. I could be home tomorrow. With mom and Sam and Dad.
Something twists in my stomach and I roll onto my back and stare at the darkened ceiling. Mom always made these cookies on Christmas Eve, because Sam had once told her it was rude to not leave any out for Santa, and they were covered in the best frosting I had ever had. She only uses that recipe once a year, and I'm going to miss it for the man that has done so much to me. It was early November when I went outside with him and never came back. Now it's almost a new year and here I am cuddled up with him and I don't think I've ever felt safer.
I'm so fucking messed up.
Cas moves closer to me in his sleep, his legs twist in mine and I move my arm down to run my fingers through his hair. Even when I first saw him I wanted to do this. He has the craziest hair I've ever seen.
Besides Sam, Sam has always had the goofy hair. He says that it's not, but let's be honest. It's Sam. Anything he does is weird and strange. I mean he wanted to go Christmas caroling.
"Dean?"
I jump and almost scream, "I didn't know you were awake Cas."
"Why are you crying?" I reach up and touch my cheeks, I didn't know I was. "I was just thinking about my family." There was no use lying to him, he knows how much I miss them. "On Christmas morning, when Sammy was little, he would wake up at some ungodly hour and he would crawl in bed with me and tell me all about what he got me. That kid could never keep a secret, but it was cute because he was so excited and then we'd wake up mom and dad. I was always Santa, passing out the presents and I'd make it look like everyone got the same amount, but mom and dad knew that Sam would open maybe five more than everyone else. I spoiled that kid rotten and he doesn't deserve half the crap I tell him."
Cas didn't say anything and I was glad he didn't because I don't know what I would say to anything that he could offer. "Come here." Cas commanded.
I turned to look at him and was surprised when he grabbed the side of my head and pulled me in for a deep kiss. I pull back and look at him in the dark, "What was that for?"
He shrugs and almost smiles at me, "You should get all your stuff together."
I sit up and he follows after me, "Why?"
"I want you to have Christmas with your family." He rolls his shoulders and won't look at me, "You can't say you don't want to, I'll know you're lying. Besides, if we leave now, I could get you home in maybe eight hours, ten at the most."
The clock on the wall said it was a little after midnight, I could see Sam in just a few hours, "Once you drop me off I'll never see you again."
"Most people who get kidnapped consider that a good thing." He half jokes.
I glare at him but don't say anything. Silently I get up and get my things. It's not much, just the pair of clothes that I was wearing that night so long ago and the jacket he got for me a few weeks ago when it started to get really cold.
I'm ready in a few minutes, when I look over at Cas he's dressed and has his duffle bag in his hands, "Christmas was always to happy a time for me anyways. I prefer Halloween; it's easier to go in public then."
The impala starts right off when we get in; I have that familiar feeling of relief when I hear her engine. Cas turns on the brights and we ease our way off the mountain and back to normality. At first we don't say anything, the snowy ground around us seems to live in silence and it seems rude to break that now. But when we reach the highway he flicks on the radio and I frown, "What the hell is this?"
"It's some new agey station I found when I was driving to town. I think it's The Neighbourhood or something like that. Why? You don't like it?"
I reach over and scan the stations until I hear Guns and Roses and sit back with a smile, "This is music."
"I always forget that you're actually an 85 year old man who can't listen to anything after 1985."
I almost say 'get use to it', but he doesn't really have to after today. "I look good for my age don't I?"
The sun comes up around six thirty, and we're in eastern Colorado. It's looking like I might be home before anyone wakes up.
"Where are you going to go?"
Cas flicks his eyes off the road for a second to look at me, "Planning on telling the cops where to find me?"
"I would never do that!" he doesn't break eye contact with the road and floors it a little more. "I'm just going to miss you Cas."
The welcome to Kansas sign comes into view and my heart jumps into my throat. "I was thinking New England, I haven't been there in a long time and the New Year's Eve parties are always a lot of fun."
Thirty minutes later I see a sign saying that it's only fifty miles to Lawrence. It feels to hot in the Car.
"I'm afraid this is where we part." Cas pulls into a diner parking lot and parks in the back. Only a few cars are here, but I see him eyeing some of them.
"Why?"
I thought that maybe I could have just a little bit longer, at least fifty more miles. "Because I don't really remember where you live and once you get there how will I leave? This is a nice car Dean, and I can't take it from you."
"So how will you leave here?"
"I'm going to steal another car. Merry Christmas Dean." He leans over to me and kisses me for one last time and before I can say anything else he's gone and I'm alone. Utterly alone.
"Merry Christmas."
My watch says it's 7:34 exactly when I'm pulling down our long driveway. I can't help but remember Cas's first words to me, how could you get all the way to the outside of Lawrence and not know what state you're in? I walk up the steps to the house and I feel disconnected, like this is a dream and I'm going to be yanked awake any second.
The door is looked, and I don't blame them, watching your son get taken would cause even the most easy going people to protect what they had left.
I knock loudly. I don't hear anything from inside and I was right about no one being up yet. I knock again and call out, "Mom, Dad!"
There's hurried footstep somewhere in the house, and I hear the sound of a deadbolt being turned, then I hear mom's voice on the other side, "I don't know John, I heard knocking."
Then the door is thrown open. I think at first, she doesn't believe what she's seeing, because she doesn't move, or say anything.
"Well who is it Marry?" dad asks from just out of eyeshot.
His words must have jolted her because she screams my name and suddenly I'm being crushed in a hug. I see dad come into the kitchen, he looks different, older.
Mom let's go of me and she looks me up and down, that's when I remember the bruises from last night. Dad stands beside her, "What happened to you Dean?" I can't tell what he's talking about, I don't know if he means what happened in these two months or the discoloration."
"Where's Sam?" I avoid their eyes. Mom's hand comes up and I feel her fingers on my neck, I flinch. I'm glad I decided to wear my jacket so they can't see the cut on my arm.
"In your room."
I leave them before they can ask any more questions. I hear dad saying something about calling the cops and an ambulance. It feels weird, walking in this house, after all this time gone. I trip over the books all over the floor, just like it was when I left. Sam never learned to put anything up and he was known for just picking up a book at random and start reading it random. Sure enough when I open my door Sammy is curled up in my bed, asleep. Everything is still the same, there are dirty clothes on the ground and records all over my desk. Nothing is different. "Sammy." I sit down on the edge of my bed and nudge him. "Hey bitch wake up and get off my bed."
Sam wakes up and blinks his eyes, like he doesn't believe what he's seeing. Then I'm being attacked by him and we fall off onto the ground and he's still hitting me, "Why did you leave me!" he's sitting on top of me, I've never seen Sam this pissed before.
"It's not like I wanted to, midget." I see the anger leave his body and he gets off of me and I lay there, everything is starting to hurt again. There's a book digging into my head and I throw it away from me. It hits the desk with a resounding thud.
He sits down next to me and picks at the hem of his pants, "Does mom and dad know you're back."
I nod and suck in a breath, it shouldn't hurt this much, "So have you been sleeping in here the whole time I was gone?" Sam nods his head and I punch his arm, "great now my bed will smell like an ugly chick."
He hits me back and stands up, "Stop being such a jerk, you don't know how much I've missed you Dean."
I stand up and when I put my hand on his shoulder I realize that he must have hit another growth spurt, "I missed you too Sam, I missed you and mom everyday; I even missed dad." I pull him in for a hug and I feel like I'm truly home now.
"Don't ever do that again." Sam tells me and I chuckle.
"Alright kid, hey did mom make those Christmas cookies yet."
"I did, just in case you came back." Mom says from the doorway. Sam and I spin around and look at her, "And you did, you came back to us." She looks tired, and just like dad she looks older.
I shake my head, "Thank you, mom. Really."
She doesn't look like she believes me but she lets it be and starts to leaves, "Dean," I look up at her and she seems to have aged so much in these past two months, "Your father called the police and they're on their way here to get your statement and some paramedics are going to take you to the hospital." She says it cautiously, almost like I'm a wild animal.
Probably because I've always hated hospitals and threw major fits every time I've had to go to one. That's why I haven't been to a hospital in six years. "It's fine mom." I smile and she leaves.
Sam gives me one of his countless bitch-faces and puts his hands on his hips, "Ok pre-Madonna, what's with that?" I point at him and he sighs.
"Since when are you ok with going to the hospital? The last time you went they basically had to tranquilize you."
"I'm not an animal like you moose."
There goes his bitch-face again, "I'm serious Dean."
Suddenly I'm mad at him because he knows me, he knows when something is up and I hate talking things out like a chick, "Well being dragged away from my family and constant driving and watching people die seems to make the freaking hospital seem like an AC/DC concert. I push him out of my room and shut the door loudly. I can picture dad already mad at me for hurting Sammy's feelings.
It's eight o'clock a.m. on Christmas Eve and I find myself doing something I thought would never happen, I'm cleaning my room. Despite me saying that I wasn't an animal earlier I feel just like that. A caged animal with no place to go and nothing to waste time is what I'm feeling like. Distantly I hear cars, probably the cops and the freaking paramedics who are going to stick and prod at me. I guess I get to be an animal all day. I pick up the book I threw earlier. It's by Kurt Vonnegut.
