A/N: sorry this took forever to publish. and it isn't even halfway decent.
CHAPTER 9
Kimochi ga Sadamaranai
I seem to be doing a lot of pretending lately.
My prescribed bed rest won't be over for another couple of days and I am now forced to stay at home and in bed. I have long given up trying to convince my parents, the doctor and Hikaru especially that I felt well enough to go back to school. They are adamant in their stand that I should heal completely before I was to be allowed back into the world of reality.
The bruises that remained are now yellowish patches that would disappear soon. They hardly hurt at all. The boredom that I face my days with, on the other hand, is killing me. I am left all alone while Hikaru went to school. And really, without Hikaru around, there is hardly any fun at all.
In spite of my hatred of the tedium, I am somewhat relieved that I am given reprieve from coming back to school as well. And even though I very much want to be back at Hikaru's side, I still do not know how I can face the other hosts, our friends. And if I am honest enough, I'll admit, even if just to myself, that Haruhi is the one I am most scared of seeing.
Again, I hold no ill will toward our friend. But just the thought of being with her… and Hikaru… makes me uncomfortable – an understatement. Simply thinking about it makes my heart clench in a breathtaking way that make tears come to my eyes. How more so when I come face-to-face with her?
I ask myself if I can still approach her in the usual manner. I realize that I really have no choice in this, do I? I just have to become a better actor than I already was -- a better liar. Because for all that has happened between me and Hikaru, I still believe that I can never have my brother completely. It is something that I know from long ago which I also understand to be heartbreakingly true.
After all, no human being can own another, can they? But, I amend, Hikaru does own me -- ever since that night when he took everything that I gladly handed over to him.
I roll over to my side, my back facing the door. I count the passing hours avidly, eager to see Hikaru again. Since the eve of my homecoming, I really have nothing much to complain about in regards to this new side to our relationship. In a nutshell, I would say "perfect" aptly describes it. He is an attentive and tender lover, and a little cautious still. I think that even now, he is worried I might do something rash again in response to his actions.
I promise myself I would never do something like that again. I know better now than to give in to childishness for a second time. But, thinking about it, I smile ruefully now, amused at where my recklessness had led us.
Against my chest, I feel the insistent press of cold metal. I take it out, fingering the engravings lovingly. I never get tired of looking at it, nor of tracing our names connected disjointedly. Hikaru still refuses to explain to me the significance of it. I feel I have an idea but it is very vague. He insists he will tell me soon so I just drop the matter, saving it for later when my curiosity can no longer take it.
This pendant actually gives me comfort while waiting for time to pass me by. It makes me feel like a fragment of Hikaru lingers to accompany me while he is gone for the day. It makes missing him slightly bit more tolerable.
I let go of the much loved trinket and grope around in the dark room, my hands seeking out for Mikan. Its resemblance to us still draws a stunned feeling from me somehow. It adds on to the pendant's illusion that Hikaru's presence is still with me in part. These gifts from Hikaru are my most important material possessions.
Behind me, I hear the door close with a soft thud and the finality of the lock's ensuing click that followed.
I do not turn to face him. I stay as I am, Mikan still in my arms. I hear him shrug out of his jacket and remove his belt, the buckle clanking noisily against the floor. Before my thoughts could get carried away, I feel him lie beside me and enclose me in his arms.
I missed him so much that I was content to stay like this, for a while. His arms tighten around me and I felt his warm breath against my nape. I love moments like this when he would just hold me close. It is like everything is right in the world, in our world, at least.
But now, it irks me that the feeling of absolute rightness is somehow tainted. I suspect my earlier thoughts and fears have everything to do with it. I tense up involuntarily, remembering exactly where Hikaru had come from, before coming home to me.
He feels my form stiffen and he moves to disentangle my arms around the plush toy. He turns me then to face him, gazing deep into my eyes in an effort to see into my chaotic, jealousy-ridden mind.
After waiting for what seems like forever, now, I am finally able to see him again. It hurts a little – this feeling of being with him at last. It may sound overly dramatic but it is how I really feel.
I meet his amber gaze with my own and my hands reach up to cradle his face – as if trying to reassure myself that he really is here at last. His shirt is unbuttoned halfway and I allow my gaze to greedily skim over the exposed skin.
He draws my loose shirt over my arms and head and I am barely free of it when his mouth clamps down on the sensitive skin of my neck making sharp currents of electricity course through my thin frame. His open mouth runs down my body and I feel his teeth graze and scrape against my skin, nipping lightly and sometimes painfully in numerous random places as if to mark his territory.
More than I love our intimate cuddling, I love it best when Hikaru claims me this way. It feels to me like a reaffirmation of his words that most unforgettable night – when I became his. But now, I'm beginning to hate how he can do this to me. I am being swept away by the magic and rapture of his touch but I know that I need something infinitely more than this. I hate how I love these times of erotic bliss with him. And I love how I hate that he will always find a way through any barrier I create: be it in the simple form as my back turned away from him, or in the more difficult way as when I ran away from him.
But with all certainty, I am only sure of one thing – that I love Hikaru, and whatever that entails in this world.
No matter what I feel about everything else, I can never bring myself to hate that.
A/N:
Kimochi ga Sadamaranai ~ Conflicting Emotions
"OTL
EPIC FAIL TO NO END. X3
I – maybe I'll add some lemony bits later because they were supposed to be somewhere in there. Or maybe not? Or maybe another chapter? What do you think???
I'm s- so rattled I can't think straight right now.
(Have friends breathing down neck telling me to hurry up ~ blame them)
Finally! Able to edit all the corrections!
Reviews are much loved. Ideas are also very welcome.
