The Laughing Master: Chapter Six and a Half

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"Constantine, put that thing back it where it came from or so help me!" Saber yelled at me. I am standing between a pissed off King Arthur and a horrified Tokiomi Tohsaka. Strewth, I never knew I could go this low. But then again, I sort of need the Holy Grail even more than Saber.

"Have you no dignity, John Constantine?" Tokiomi asked in a voice heavy with emotion. I guess I did hit him right where it hurts. "A child? Are you so desperate to acquire the Grail that you would forsake your own humanity?"

"Oi, it's not like you are any better than me. You're a mage, Tohsaka. You should be prepared to walk with death." I replied casually. I was still pointing that filthy piece of metal at Rin Tohsaka. I noticed Tokiomi's face twitch slightly. Did I hit a nerve again?

"Constantine, get back or be prepared to get cut down." Saber said ominously.

"You wouldn't do that." I said, lackadaisically waving my hand with the Command Spells. "I could simply order you to stand down and not hurt me."

"I can cut off your hand before you order me." Saber stated. "It won't be a problem either. It is a good thing you can heal." Looks like someone is in a bad mood.

"Relax, if our friend Tokiomi is wise enough, he'll do the right thing." I said before giving him appointed look. "Right?" I asked. Since I didn't feel the pain of my hand getting chopped off, I can safely assume that Saber hasn't cut it off. Knowing her, she probably still wants to trust me even if I am making it very hard for her to do so. Gotta love knights in shining armor. They are so easy to fool, it's not even funny.

For a few seconds nothing happened. It was like one of those times when the ball is in the air and the crowd at the Oval is holding its breath. No one has any idea where the ball will land, whether it will be caught or dropped, whether the batsman would walk back to the pavilion or will be hailed for scoring a reckless six runs. Of course, there was that time on the Third Day at the Old Trafford when I had to knock everyone out, reset all the clocks and steal the ball but that was because the ball was actually a Tibetan Mandala but that time doesn't count. And I swear, Jones had sent it out of the boundary anyways. Besides, Australia got to keep the Ashes anyways.

Then Tokiomi whimpered. I steadied myself. This was when the big decisions were made.

"By the power of my Command Seal," Tokiomi began to speak as he raised his right hand.

That was all he managed to say.

In a blinding display of golden light, Tokiomi Tohsaka was skewered in the back by a red spear with veins running all over it. The entire thing was disgusting to look at. But what was worse was that I didn't cover Rin's eyes. Congratulations, John. You have successfully ruined another little girl's life. Oh wait, never mind, you already did that a day ago! Someone was screaming something.

I was suddenly thrown backwards. No, not thrown, rater pushed backwards with incredible force. Saber was now suddenly standing in front of me. She was waving her sword around. My vision cleared and I realized that she was deflecting what seemed to be flying swords. The swords suddenly stopped but Saber didn't drop her guard. Tokiomi was on the ground, dead. Someone was clapping.

"Well, mongrel. I can see why Kirei was so interested in you." Someone said in a most beautiful voice. A voice which made me feel incredibly inadequate. It made me feel worthless. Who was I to even exist in this voice's presence? I should probably off myself and make the world a better place for him, whoever the voice belonged to.

"Master!" Saber yelled. My mind jerked back to reality and I found myself holding the gun at my head. Why was I trying to commit suicide? What the fuck was all this? Strewth, this was worse than Rider. At least Rider got you carried away in his enthusiasm. This bastard made you commit suicide.

"What was that, Saber?" I asked, completely terrified for the first time. I can shrug off most kinds of mind control; I can even struggle against the ones which try to push you over into the abyss. But this? I didn't even have any idea on what this was.

"His Charisma is great enough even to charm the Gods. It is natural that you would get carried away." Saber explained as she kept her attention fixed on the new arrival.

"Bollocks, I swindle Old Gods on Thursdays." I said with bluster. I turned my attention towards the new Servant for the first time. He had some kind of garish golden armor on his person. A blonde and red-eyed, he was unlike any Servant I had come across. Perhaps because, even now, I could feel being just a miserable pile of tricks in front of him. There was also the fact that he was standing on the Tohsaka residence's roof.

"That is quite a tall claim to make, mongrel." The new arrival said distastefully. "Let's see if you can live up to it." He said.

And then something incredible happened. A pool of golden light appeared at his side and the tip of a sword emerged from it. It stayed there, held back by the Servant's will before it was suddenly released. Like a hound, it leaped and covered the distance. Saber jumped and intercepted the crimson sword. There was the sound of two great forces clashing before she managed to deflect the projectile.

"Well, you at least have a dog to defend you." The golden boy observed, looking thoroughly bored. He looked directly at me, into me and through me. "I have changed my mind." He said simply.

And then the nightmare began. I thought that he could just fire away weapons once at a time. I had really hoped so. But then thirty different golden pools shimmered out of nowhere.

Bugger.

Saber was yelling. I was yelling. The world had decided to slow down once more. The Golden Servant's weapons were speeding towards us. Saber was shooting towards me at an incredible speed, as if she had strapped a jet engine on herself. She wouldn't make it on time.

And then the weapons suddenly changed their direction in the middle of the flight. At the same time, the Golden Servant jumped off the roof. A fraction of a second later, half of the Tohsaka Residence went up in flames.

"Rabid dog," I heard the Golden Servant growl as soon as he landed on the ground. I realized that he hadn't sounded angry before. "You have the audacity to make me move from my place? Your crime is greater than any others."

The smoke cleared and revealed a man in black armor wielding an axe and some sort of modern weapon which I couldn't recognize along with a similar weapon slung over his shoulders. That axe was one of the weapons the Golden Servant had shot at us. But how did he catch it then? Or was he actually more skilled than Saber which was why he could catch it?

The Black Servant didn't bother with the pleasantries. He simply threw away the first modern weapon and gripped the second one and then fired. The weapon shot a bulbous thing which managed to hit the Golden Servant. He was immediately engulfed in an explosion.

Correction. He protected himself by conjuring a shield in front of him.

"You use such pathetic weapons, mad dog. I wonder if you would have resorted to such methods if you were sane." The Golden Servant observed dryly, his previous anger suddenly gone. "Not that I care to know. It is time for you to die now." He said.

This was getting ridiculous. I couldn't even count the number of golden pools there were now. Fifty? Hundred? Two Hundred? Could we even survive this many?

"Constantine!" Saber yelled. I didn't even need to be told now. There was only one thing to be done. The Golden Servant shot his barrage of weapons. I used the last of dregs of my magic to activate the Command Spells at the back of my hands.

"SABER!" I yelled. "WIN!"

It was either the by-product of the Command Spell or the result of us willingly doing it. The link between Master and Servant grew strong enough for me to see through her eyes. It wasn't a perfect synchronization but I could see echoes of what she was seeing. The salvo of swords, spears and scimitars couldn't be stopped even by Saber. But through the generous power of the Command Spell, she was stronger than before; faster than before; quicker than before. They were leaves in the wind before her now, just waiting to be swatted out of the air.

But no matter how weak they were now, they were too many. There was only one way for her to deal with all of them at once.

"EX-" I, she, we yelled as we raised our arm. The wind let the Sword of Promised Victory shine with all of its naked glory.

"Wait, lass! If you slash vertically, you'll hit Rin as well!" I yelled. My plea was heard. Or was it her thoughts that I heard? Saber drew back her arm for a horizontal swing. She was pierced by a sword in the shoulder as she changed her stance. I felt the pain as well, even if it was just a phantom of the original. The sword glowed golden. The magical energy built itself up faster than possible for even such a legend such as this. The golden rain of death was upon us.

"-CALIBUR!" Arturia Pendragon. The sword released a blazing glory of light on the incoming weapons. A dragon roared in my mind.

It was all over in a fraction of a moment. There were no more pools of golden light shooting ancient weapons of mass destruction. The sky was clear of clouds and the beautiful stars shone down on us. There was the problem of the Tohsaka residence being reduced to a smoking heap. What worried me was that the Black Knight and Tohsaka Rin were gone.

There was the sound of metal clanging against metal. My heart sank as I saw the Golden Servant step out of the smoke, completely unharmed. There was a small smile on his face as if he was being politely amused at some joke at a party.

"That's an interesting sword, cur." He said. "So you dare to call yourself the King of Knights? I find your sheer chutzpah to use such a title disgusting."

I readied myself to use the final Command Spell if the need arose. Saber took a step to the side and raised her sword once more. She had managed to repel nearly a hundred weapons at once. I am sure she could so again but the cost would too high.

"I earned the title, Archer. Who are you to say otherwise?" Saber answered.

"Who am I?" Archer said. "You dare to feign ignorance about my royal identity? I was inclined to spare both of you after that little trick of yours for you had amused me well enough but now, you have sealed your fate." And once again, he conjured the pools of light.

"Fuck." I simply said as I realized that I didn't even have enough prana to activate the last Command Spell. Someone was screaming in the background but I elected to ignore it. Saber unwrapped her sword from the winds.

Archer fired an axe. Saber drew back her arm once more. I began to hope and pray.

Rider's chariot arrived with a magnificent display of lightning and thunder. With a deft movement, he intercepted the axe in mid-air and saved Saber from the trouble of doing so. Oh sure mate, be the glory-stealer when it suits you.

"Now, now, everyone!" He rumbled. I blinked in surprise. His chariot was pulled by two bulls of all things. And they didn't seem to be standing on the ground but rather on air. "Why should we always settle our differences through violence? Why can't we negotiate for once?"

"Because it is convenient?" I said before I could even stop myself.

"Because I choose to do so." Archer answered.

"Because we are at War with each other?" Saber replied.

"Well, you all raise good points." Rider said as he rubbed his beard. "Nevertheless, hear me out! I propose, King of Heroes, that with your armory and my army, we join forces and take over the world!"

"Fool, why should I desire to take over something I already possess?" Archer said.

"Is that so? Then perhaps I should try to see whether you live up to your claims or not." Rider said with a smile.

The ensuing silence could have strangled newborns. Did that thick bastard just challenge that golden monstrosity? Even Saber was looked slightly concerned.

And then Archer gave a short bark of laughter.

"I see that this world hasn't lost its share of knaves and jesters while I was away." Archer said grinning widely now. "Very well, Rider. Your sheer stupidity has saved all of you mongrels' lives. When we shall meet again, I expect to see something interesting." He said before dispersing into motes of light and fading away.

I suddenly fell to my knees. Bugger, had been running on adrenaline too long.

"Saber." Rider said. I weakly looked up at the giant in front of us. "It is a shame but I cannot remain allies with you anymore. Your Master's actions aren't something I or my Master can overlook." Saber simply nodded. There was a pause as Rider looked straight at me. Why did he look at me so pityingly? Fuck this. Why is he even pitying me?

As Rider drove his chariot away, I struggled to stand once again.

"We should move. The authorities would be quite curious as to what happened here." I said. Saber wordlessly nodded. She began to move but stumbled. I quickly reached out to help her to her feet but she roughly shook me off.

"Don't touch me." She said in a small voice. I backed away. We may have survived Archer's onslaught but she was still furious. Saber planted her sword on the ground and looked up. For the first time, I noticed that her eyes were brilliant green like emeralds. She was holding back tears for some reason. I thought she would be brave enough to face Archer. Was I wrong?

"I can tolerate you calling me names. I can tolerate you being disrespectful. I can even tolerate your low tricks and traps. It pains me but I can endure. But a child? Do you have no honor or dignity, Master? Is this what the Grail War is to you? Nothing but chance for you to get your wish?" she said.

"Stop." I said quietly.

"I assured you that I would bring you victory. Is my word not enough? Or does a thief not understand the meaning of trust?" Saber continued.

"Don't go there." I said quietly.

"You aren't worthy of being a Master in the Holy Grail War. No, let me say that again. You aren't worthy of being my Master. It was a mistake for me to even begin trusting you. I should have understood it the moment I saw you. Your friend, Westinghouse, would have proven to be a much better Master." Saber said.

"STOP!" I yelled, finally losing my patience. It barely fazed Saber. God knows how angry she was feeling but right now, I thought that my rage was hotter than hers. "Do you think that I am pursuing this fucking Grail for some bloody desire? No! Fuck no! I don't want anything like that! All I want to do is rectify one mistake of mine! Just fucking one! Is that too much to ask? It's not my fault that you have to fight in this fucked up country but there you are! I have no choice to do otherwise."

Saber opened her mouth but I resumed screaming at her. "And you know what I hate most about this entire thing? YOU! You fucking bitch and your fucking ideals. They are stupid! Just because you lived in the best of times and were the best swordswoman doesn't mean every single one of us are! We don't have the luxury of being honorable! And most of the people don't even know how to fight the evils in the world. That's why I live."

Saber seemed to have shut up and was just listening to me. I carried on.

"When you look up in the sky, sometimes, it's just a bird or a plane. Evil always manages to escape sight even if it's brightest day or darkest night. And I have to deal with these things. Me! John Fucking Constanine. And the only way I know how is by being as dishonorable and pragmatic as I can." I said. My anger had worn off by now. There were sirens in the distance. The police was probably on its way here but I chose to ignore them. I still had a few more words to say to her. "So forgive me, our Majesty, if I come across as a dick because that's what I am. That's all I know. And if I have to fuck every single one of these participants to get my hands on the Grail, I'll gladly fuck them twice!" I finished and looked at her. She was now inhumanely calm now.

"Is this what Astra would have wanted?" she softly asked. The name shook me up slightly but it failed to make me flinch or wince. So she wanted me to feel ashamed? Too bad, I had lost all of it in Newcastle.

"Yes." I answered her as I looked her in the eyes. "Hell isn't a place where you muse over the moral repercussions of your manner of escape."

I turned around and started walking away. I may have seemed to have won the argument but even I knew that I was in the wrong here. And it hurt. It hurt me something awful.

Some days, I just hate being myself. But a wish is a blank cheque and I need one desperately if I want to get rid of all these nightmares.


I am sorry this chapter took so long. I was busy in my original fiction and real life to take time out. By the way, does John come across as out of character here? I think so. This isn't the best chapter I have written but it is the closest thing I could come up with.