Disclaimer: We own lots of PoT merchandise, but that's about it. We also slash characters without canon basis. Don't hurt us.
Authors' Note: Hi again, everyone! Here's the next chapter. It is full of drama, angst, and fluff, along with some crucial plot twists and the Big Explanation for what's been going on with Yukimura. It is also quite long (about a third longer than other chapters) because so much happens during these four days. In any case, we hope that you enjoy it. And please review! We would really, really appreciate your feedback. By the way, a huge thank you to all reviewers up until this point; you're what encourages us to keep going with this story.
2月1日木曜日
Thursday, February 1st
Yukimura kind of scared me today.
I got to school a little earlier than usual. When I came into the classroom, Yukimura and Renji were there, as always, talking. The first thing Renji said to me was, "You're early." (I love how he never really says hello.) Yukimura said hi, and I sat down beside him to join the conversation, without thinking much about it.
That's when I knew that they had been talking about me. Because instead of jumping right back into their original topic, they sort of looked at each other, like they didn't know what to say. For a second, I was annoyed; I hate it when they talk about me behind my back. They must think I'm stupid. I was even going to demand what they'd been talking about, but I was quickly distracted by the sound of Yukimura sniffling beside me.
I wouldn't have paid much attention to it, but on a reflex I glanced over at him, and I noticed that his eyes looked a little pink. I asked him immediately if he had been crying. He smiled softly and nodded, so I asked him what was wrong. I was so worried. He shook his head a little and told me that it was just what he'd been talking about with Renji.
I didn't want to pry. If he doesn't want to tell me, I shouldn't bother him with questions. But why does Yukimura need to have secrets he can't tell his own boyfriend? Even worse, he'd rather go to Renji than me. I know Renji has a tendency to know everyone's private business anyway, so it's easy to talk to him since you don't have to reveal anything he doesn't already know. But it's annoying that my best friend knows things about Yukimura that I don't, and even worse, that they talk about it when I'm not around.
Honestly, I'm a little jealous of Renji sometimes.
I didn't even have a chance to ask what it was that made Yukimura cry. First I asked if he was okay, to which he said yes. And before I could say anything else, he started apologizing for "the way he'd been acting" yesterday, and how he said that things may never feel quite right between us ever again. He said he hadn't "meant for it to come out that way." I forgave him, of course, but I can't say I'm going to forget it anytime soon.
I wonder if that's what he was crying about. If so, that would kind of surprise me. But maybe he felt bad, and that's what he was talking about with Renji? I guess it would explain why, after I asked, the first thing he did was apologize…
Anyway, I noticed that Yukimura was acting very sweet all day. At lunch, he sat really close to me and kept leaning on my shoulder. (Everyone else seemed to get a kick out of that; Renji had to tell them all to stop snickering.) But I noticed that Yukimura seemed a little quiet. I still felt like something seemed to be bothering him, and he was trying to hide it. I know he doesn't want to worry me (he hates it when I worry too much), and I guess that's really sweet of him, but I still wish he'd just tell me.
After school, I asked him if he wanted to go out to dinner with me. He said he had to babysit his little sister tonight, but he told me he'd go out with me tomorrow. So hopefully, we'll have a good time then. I kissed him and came home, and I've been doing nothing productive at all for the duration of this evening.
I've been thinking a lot, I guess. About him. About our relationship. And all I can seem to remember tonight are all the wonderful things that have happened in the past five months. Like our first few dates, the Christmas we shared together, going with him to the New Year's festival… things like that. It makes me feel better to remember. Having something as wonderful as what we've had together is worth holding onto. I want it to last forever.
I love him more than anything in the world.
It's snowing again tonight. It hasn't for almost a week. But I heard on the news that it's going to start getting colder again before spring starts. I can't decide if that's a bad thing or a good thing. For now, at least, the snow is beautiful.
I think I'm going to sit outside for a while with some hot tea again. I'm sure it will be a lot more enjoyable when I'm not feeling depressed.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
2月1日木曜日
Thursday, February 1st
I felt vaguely unsettled all day long, and I can't quite explain why. After all, my day was normal enough: I woke up, went to class, ate lunch, went home, did my homework, ate dinner…
It's not as though anything else was supposed to happen. So why do I feel almost nervous, as if I should be expecting some kind of bad news at any moment…?
Maybe it's because of the discussion that I had with Tezuka yesterday. After all, I can't say that anything he said about Yukimura and Sanada was very reassuring, except for that dubious comment about Yukimura's intentions being "good." And like I said before, I truly cannot find a single reason to trust a person who is so completely unreadable. I can certainly find plenty of reasons not to trust him, however… He was the one who started this whole mess, he doesn't seem to care that his plot is making other people miserable, and he's obviously lying to his boyfriend about it…
Honestly, how could anything "good" possibly come out of this situation?
I've been thinking about it all day, trying to see these events from Tezuka's perspective. I suppose that I was doing it under the assumption that I had been thinking about it from my own perspective for far too long, and that a different point of view might help me to make some sense of it. But I had gotten so little in the way of actual information from Tezuka yesterday that I found such a process to be extremely difficult. So I tried to think about when he might have gotten involved in this situation, and I did come up with what I consider to be a rather brilliant hypothesis…
He must have contacted Yukimura regarding that very first setup, the one at the Latin concert, shortly after I told him about it at the beginning of January.
In fact, this is the only possible time that he could have done it, because shortly after that, there was the little "coincidence" in the park, where Sanada and I were both told that our plans had been cancelled at the exact same time. So he must have either called or met with Yukimura during the week and demanded to know what was going on. And then somehow, he was persuaded into helping Yukimura with his bizarre scheme.
What I simply cannot understand is what Tezuka would have been told that would have persuaded him to get involved.
After all, if anyone on this entire earth is known for being a passive individual, it would have to be Tezuka Kunimitsu. I can't imagine what would have made him decide to get involved in what is obviously a risky, and even questionable, plan. And then there was that whole comment about Yukimura's intentions being "good"… Whatever Yukimura's intentions may actually be, there must have been something about the way Yukimura described this idea that made Tezuka believe that something good could come out of it.
But what in the world would that be?
After all, if Yukimura is just trying to improve his relationship with Sanada, than this is an incredibly stupid way to go about it. He should just talk to Sanada, instead of getting other people involved. And I would have assumed that Tezuka would have agreed with me, at least as far as that idea goes… So I would have to conclude that Yukimura must be trying to do something else. But what kind of "something else" could that possibly be?
Honestly, I'm driving myself insane, trying to make some sense of this ridiculous mess, and I really should just stop thinking about it, but somehow…
Somehow, I just can't.
No matter how hard I try to stop, I keep thinking of that afternoon at the aquarium, replaying the situation over and over again in my head. And I simply cannot get that picture out of my mind… That depressing image of Sanada just standing there, in the dim, bluish light of the shark exhibit, looking as though he might crumble into a million pieces at any moment, while I just stood there like a complete idiot and said nothing…
Why do I feel so terrible about it? There's nothing that I could have done for him. Even if I had tried to tell him about my suspicions, he wouldn't have believed me. I should just mind my own business and look out for myself in this situation. After all, it's Yukimura's fault if Sanada gets hurt, and he's the one who is going to have to live with himself when this is all over, since he's the one who made it happen in the first place.
It shouldn't be any of my concern, as far as what happens to Sanada Genichiroh… I may feel some sympathy for him, since I was in a similar situation once, but it's not like I am particularly close to him… In fact, we're not even friends, and that's by his own choice, so I shouldn't try to injure my pride any further by getting emotionally involved. I have no reason to be emotionally involved, especially not with him, when the only thing that I really feel for him is some kind of silly, superficial attraction…
But then why does it feel like my heart might break, if his heart ever did?
What in the world is wrong with me?
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
…
2月2日金曜日
Friday, February 2nd
Today was alright, but it wasn't great. To be honest, I feel like a complete idiot. Not because I've done something stupid and have since figured what I should have done instead—then I wouldn't be a complete idiot, because I would have at least figured it out later. No, I feel like a complete idiot because I know I've done something stupid, but I don't know what I should have done instead. I can't even figure out exactly what I did that was so stupid. So I must be a complete idiot.
But I suppose I'm getting ahead of myself, and should start at the beginning.
Like I said, today was fine, especially during the school day. Yukimura was still being very sweet to me, and I really felt quite comfortable. It was almost to the point where the whole day seemed boring, so I really shouldn't waste ink and paper talking about it.
We went out to dinner together as planned, and it was nice. But about halfway through our meal, our conversation on Wednesday popped into my head; I remembered that he was tired of asking me for affection. So I wanted to try to keep that in mind for the rest of our date.
It was a little difficult during dinner; it always is while you're eating. So I didn't try too hard. But after we were done, we went window shopping. (Some of the stores were closed, but when it's just window shopping, it doesn't really matter.) I made sure to put my arm around him more often, hold his hand, and give him involuntary kisses. At first he really seemed to like it. But after we'd been walking for about an hour, I put my arm on his shoulder one time, and he sort of shrugged it off.
At that moment, I was more confused than anything else. I couldn't understand why he'd done that. So I didn't touch him for a minute or so, as I tried to figure out what was going on. Then I thought it might have just been my imagination; he'd shrugged it off so lightly. So I tried again. A few minutes later, I decided to kiss him. That time I thought I saw him shake his head a little. But he'd been smiling, so I ignored that too. The next time I kissed him, though, he pulled back before I was done and said, "Sanada, please."
So I left him alone for a little while. I was so frustrated. I can't read him; I never know what he wants anymore. Does he want me to be affectionate with him or not? He said that he was tired of asking. Did he not mean it? For a while I even started wondering if he'd really said that.
Eventually, I decided that he had said it, and that he must have meant it. So I impulsively took him into my arms and gave him another kiss. Again, he stopped me. He said, "Sanada, I know what you're trying to do, and it's really sweet… but, please. Don't bother."
Don't bother?
How am I going to pound it into his head that it's not a bother? I love him. What's wrong with wanting to make him happy?
I was so stunned that I didn't even know what to say to that. I still don't. Words can't express how that made me feel. Part of me almost wanted to cry.
Why would he say that?
I uttered the only word I could manage at that point, which was a delayed, "What?" And he sort of sighed and looked away. It seemed like he was thinking for a very long time. Then he looked up at me again, and mentioned that it was late, and that he should probably get going.
Then he started to walk away. Still stunned, I asked quickly if I could go home with him. (I was still trying to do what I thought he wanted.) He picked up on what I meant, looked back at me very seriously and said, "Sanada, you don't even want to." Automatically, I argued back that I did. And he just kept staring at me like that, like he didn't believe me. I said again that I did, and nervously sputtered out the only reason I could think of at the time, which was, "I love you."
I've stared at that last paragraph for about ten minutes now, and I've decided that if I'm truly being honest with myself, I was lying. Not about the fact that I love him, but about wanting to go home with him. Frankly, I didn't. Especially not when he was acting that way, like he didn't even want to be touched. I didn't really want to deal with that, and I didn't want to spend the whole night worrying about whether or not I was making him happy. (Not that it's been much different being at home alone; now I'm still worried about it, but I can't do anything about it at the moment.)
I worry about that a lot when we're together, really. Maybe, in a way, I've always been afraid of losing him. Because I know that he's definitely the only one for me, but I also know I don't deserve someone as wonderful as he is. So I try to do everything I can to make him happy. It's hard sometimes. But don't get me wrong; it's more than worth it. And seeing him happy is literally what I live for.
Anyway, when I told him that I love him, he paused for a minute, then said very sincerely, "I love you, too." But then he just walked away. I tried to ask him if I could at least walk him home, but he said no.
What did I do wrong?
I mean, I sort of understand, but I don't know what I was supposed to have done instead. I just don't understand him anymore. I wish he could just make it clear to me what he wants me to do, but apparently it's too much of a hassle to take the time to spell it out for me. I guess I could understand that. He must be annoyed that his boyfriend is so utterly blind.
So when I got home, I wasn't exactly in the best of moods. What made it even worse was that I had absolutely nothing to do. I basically sat at my desk and drove myself crazy. I attempted practicing my shodou, but I had trouble keeping the brush steady and it just got tiring. I decided I needed to relax, and collect my thoughts so I could try to drive away the vaguely unsettled feeling I was having. So I decided to sit on my floor and meditate.
Once again, I had trouble concentrating. And, once again, meditating made things worse. But you'll never guess why.
Since I was struggling, I started trying to think of beautiful things again, like Grandfather said to do. I was pondering falling snow again (I always seem to go back to that image), which was perfectly logical, since I'd been watching it last night and everything had been so peaceful then. It was working very nicely. I've gotten pretty good at this technique, so when I'd pondered that image for a substantial amount of time, my mind automatically switched to another image.
As often happens when one is meditating, I'd sort of lost myself in my own thoughts. But sometimes I'll get stuck a little, and need to more consciously think of something else to dwell on. So I suddenly realized what I had been thinking about, and I nearly jumped a foot in the air.
I'd been thinking about Atobe.
The image that had come to mind was what had happened in the park a week ago, when I'd chased him and tackled him to the ground. That picture of him lying in the snow, flushed and panting, his sparkling eyes staring straight up into mine…
This realization was doing nothing for how unsettled I was feeling. The last thing I wanted to think about tonight was Atobe, especially after what happened this evening with Yukimura. I shouldn't think about someone I'm inexplicably attracted to, not when I should be focused on what I should be doing for my boyfriend.
So, as calmly as I could, I got into a comfortable position again and started to think about Yukimura. After all, he's very beautiful, so it seemed to me like it should work.
About a minute later, I found myself thinking about Atobe again.
I refocused, this time trying to think of the snow, like I had been before… My mind switched to Atobe. I tried to think of cherry blossoms… Atobe. Stars… Atobe. Waterfalls… Atobe. Yukimura again… Atobe.
Atobe, Atobe, Atobe.
It was incredibly frustrating.
I finally just gave up. I stood up and walked around my room a little. Even though I was done meditating, the image was still lingering in my mind somewhat. And after a few minutes, I was starting to really wish I'd gone home with Yukimura.
Something is seriously wrong with me.
I don't want to think about Atobe. I don't want to have anything to do with Atobe. I want Yukimura. I'm never going to change my mind about that. So why am I having so much trouble focusing on Yukimura? Why can't I do that one simple thing?
It seems like before these past two months, when I inexplicably started seeing more of Atobe again, everything was fine. But now everything seems strange and uncertain. Why is that? I can't get over this feeling that it's all connected somehow. I wish I'd never seen Atobe again. I wish I could go back to when it was just me and Yukimura, when nothing was distracting me, and when he had no secrets, and we were happy.
Damn you, Atobe. Get out of my head.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
2月2日金曜日
Friday, February 2nd
I couldn't concentrate at all today.
It was pathetic, really, because even on days when my mind is somewhere else, I'm usually alert enough to able to keep up some kind of self-aware front. But today, I was so lost in my own thoughts that I couldn't even keep track of what was going on around me. My English teacher asked me a question during class, and I had no idea what he said, so for once in my educational career, I didn't know the answer. He made some kind of comment to the effect of, "Even if you're a gifted student, Atobe-kun, that doesn't excuse you from paying attention in class." I would have been annoyed, but in all honesty, I was still too disoriented to do anything except ask him to repeat the question. Of course, I got it right, once I knew what he had been asking…
But it was still rather embarrassing. And for the first time that I can remember, I could actually hear some of my classmates snickering behind my back about it.
Then there was lunchtime, which wasn't nearly as uncomfortable… But I still couldn't focus on the conversation for very long, and that resulted in all kinds of comments from my friends about how "spaced out" and "out of it" I looked. So I eventually excused myself from the room, saying that I would see them all later, and I went up onto the rooftop to try to sort out my thoughts. Honestly, I didn't even know why I was acting like that, so I decided that a few minutes to myself might help me concentrate for the rest of the day.
It didn't work.
The truth is that I wasn't exactly sure what was on my mind in the first place… Of course, I was still trying to figure out the whole situation with Yukimura and Sanada, but that had been on my mind all week long, without disrupting my concentration so badly that I had made a fool of myself. In fact, my concentration is normally the poorest during the very first day after one of those bizarre setups, and then I slowly forget about it and move on with my life. But this time, it seems to have worked in the exact opposite way… The more that time goes by, the more I find myself worrying about what is really going on. The strange thing is that I don't actually recall trying to think through the situation during class, but somehow, my mind was wandering then anyway.
It's quite frustrating, honestly. I don't know what is going on with Sanada and Yukimura, and I don't know what is wrong with me, and I'm just going in circles instead of getting any solid answers to my questions.
In any case, I didn't actually get the privilege of having the rest of lunch period to myself, because it wasn't very long before I had a visitor. As it turned out, though, it was perhaps the most comforting thing that happened to me all day long…
Which is particularly ironic, given that my visitor happened to be Oshitari.
He came up onto the rooftop, and he stood beside me and asked me if there was something going on that I wasn't telling anyone about. I have to admit, even after knowing him for almost three years, I'm always surprised at how perceptive he can be when he tries. So I finally admitted that there was something going on, but as I pointed out, I wasn't going to tell him about it if I had already decided not to mention it in the first place. He chuckled a little at that, and said that he understood. I was a little surprised that he didn't press the issue, since he had apparently bothered to come all the way up to the rooftop to ask me about it.
But then he said the strangest thing: "Take care of yourself, Atobe."
Well, of course I did a double-take, and I couldn't help asking him what he meant by that. He just shrugged, and then he said that everyone had noticed the way I was acting lately, and that they were all worried about me. He said that he figured someone should tell me about it. And then he pointed out that I have a tendency to get in over my head in certain situations (which is true), and that they didn't want to see me get hurt again. He said that they all wanted me to know that, even though they didn't know how to bring it up without offending me.
I didn't know what to say. I was stunned.
No, to be perfectly honest, I was touched.
In fact, I almost blurted out the whole situation right there, simply because I was so bewildered by such a kind gesture. But I caught myself just in time, and I just said that of course I wasn't offended, and that it was very kind for them to think of me.
Oshitari just laughed again, in that amused way of his, and said that it was nothing. And then he added, "You're always so surprised by kindness, Atobe."
And then he straightened his glasses and left.
It really is strange, how perceptive Oshitari can be sometimes. I suppose that I am unusually surprised whenever my friends go out of their way to be kind to me, but the truth is that I'm not used to being treated with kindness. After all, why should I be? As I already mentioned during that night when I went to Sanada's house, I spend all of my time trying to hide my own feelings and make it seem like I'm invincible. Such a person doesn't have any need for kindness, at least in the eyes of others. And so the things that I have come to expect instead are criticism, envy, and even hatred. It may sound like a horrible situation, but when you don't expect anything else, it is actually a very safe way to keep yourself from being hurt. And by remaining my own biggest fan, it goes without saying that I don't run the risk of my biggest fan eventually losing interest in me.
Of course, it is only recently that I have started to feel how empty such a lifestyle can be.
In any case, the visit from Oshitari was a very welcome change of events during the day, and I felt much better after that conversation. I still had trouble focusing for the rest of my classes, but I was strangely calm by the time that I returned home. And I have been spending most of my evening sitting here at my desk, writing through this journal entry and pausing every few minutes to let my thoughts wander. As the hours go by, I find myself thinking more and more about the situation with Sanada, and wondering about what is going to happen to him when he finds out what Yukimura is planning. Like I mentioned yesterday, this truly does worry me, even though I'm not exactly sure why.
And so I think that I have come to a resolution. I am going to spend every waking moment trying to figure out what is going on, and if I can finally reach a conclusion, I am going to warn him about it. After all, I still regret that I didn't tell him anything on Sunday, even if he wouldn't have believed me. So I am going to figure it out as best as I can, and then I am going to give him a call and tell him. It will probably take hours to thoroughly eliminate all of my illogical assumptions and come to some kind of final answer, but if I can do it, it might mean that I will finally be able to concentrate again…
Besides, if I am truly grateful for the kindness that I have been shown, it is the least that I can do to try to show kindness to someone else, no matter how it may be misinterpreted.
And yet, somehow, I still have this vaguely foreboding feeling, as though all of this might come to nothing in the end…
But that is just my usual tendency for being melodramatic, after all, and I have every reason to ignore such an illogical assumption.
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
…
2月3日土曜日
Saturday, February 3rd
Betrayal.
That's what it is: complete and utter betrayal. Being stabbed in the back by someone you love more than anything else in the world. That's exactly what it feels like. People toss that phrase around lightly, when they don't even know what it means, or how it would really feel.
But I do.
That feeling doesn't come when someone does something behind your back. It doesn't come when they talk badly about you, or put you down. Or when they don't stand up for you in front of someone else. Or even when they hide things from you and lie to you. No, the feeling of being "stabbed in the back" only comes when the person you love the most is willing to rip your heart out of your chest and slice it into a thousand pieces, right in front of your face.
The phone's ringing again. I know it's him, and I'm not going to answer it.
Why is it that, on days like this, when something horrible happens, everything starts out normal? It's not fair. It seems like there should be a warning of some sort before disaster strikes. But there's always a disarming calm before the storm.
Everything was fine during the day. Yukimura seemed maybe a little uncomfortable around me, but that was understandable after last night. I felt a little awkward too. Not to mention the fact that he seemed somewhat distracted by something all day, and it only got worse as classes drew close to finishing. Now, I guess, I know what that thing was.
I wanted to talk to him about last night, so after school got out, I lingered by his desk and watched him pack up his things. But he didn't even seem to notice that I was there. I waited for a few minutes, but I knew that I didn't even know what I was going to say. Finally, I got frustrated and blurted out, "Should I just go?"
He looked up at me then, kind of confused, like he wasn't sure what to say. But then he sighed and tried to smile and said, "See you on Monday, Sanada."
That hurt.
If things hadn't gotten worse after that, I probably would be spending this entry talking about how it made me feel when he said that. But now it hardly even seems significant.
I turned around and left without saying goodbye. I was angry. But I'm not sure I can say that I was angry at him. I still felt like an idiot for not knowing what to do. I just wished I could fix everything. I hate it when I can't fix things. I hate it when things are out of my control, and I hate that I feel like an idiot for not being able to solve my own problems.
I was walking rather quickly past a lot of people, but they were all wearing the blue Rikkai uniform, and most of them were going the same direction that I was. That's why I stopped dead in my tracks when my slightly down-turned eyes fell upon a pair of black pants and tennis shoes coming towards me. I looked up.
It was Tezuka.
I was stunned for a moment. He didn't seem surprised, though, or even like anything was out of the ordinary. He just said, very calmly, "Oh, Sanada. I'm glad I ran into you. Can you tell me where Yukimura is?"
That bastard.
I was too stunned to even ask why he needed to know. I just sputtered out our classroom number, he said thank you, and then he just walked on by. I stood there for a while, trying to comprehend what had just happened, but unable to. Then I realized that I must have looked like a complete moron standing in the middle of the courtyard like that. So I kept walking, a little slower this time so I could think.
The only thing I wanted to know was why Tezuka was even there. I spent a lot of time trying to figure that out. But I didn't get very far, distance-wise; I kept stopping and wondering if I should go back. I just had this horrible feeling, not unlike the one I had when we went to the aquarium on Sunday.
Then I remembered the phone call I'd heard Yukimura making on Tuesday. I'd completely forgotten about it. I'd overheard him talking to someone, and heard him say, "See you on Saturday." Then he'd told me that it had been his mother.
He lied to me. He'd been talking to Tezuka.
I started to walk back. I couldn't decide whether I was going to spy on them to see what was going on, or burst into the room and demand why Yukimura had lied to me. I figured I'd know by the time I got there.
But then I stopped again. It dawned on me that either action would be very rude, and Yukimura might never forgive me. Or, if I spied and he never found out, I'd have to live with the guilt of not being honest with him. And then I couldn't talk to him about it anyway, because then he'd know that I'd spied, and he would never forgive me.
I sighed and turned around, trying to further rationalize my decision. Yukimura said he'd always love me. Tezuka isn't that kind of guy. Nothing was going on. Besides, Tezuka had confronted me directly and asked where Yukimura was. If he'd been doing something wrong, he probably would have avoided me or lied to me and asked to see someone else. And those two don't even talk to each other much, as far as I know, so what could really be going on?
Well, as far as I knew, anyway…
And then I started wondering why they were meeting in the first place. I thought through the phone call again. I couldn't remember all of it, but I did remember Yukimura saying something about having to hide something from someone… Was he talking about me?
I turned back towards the school again. Then I decided it would be better to ask him about it later, and turned back around. Then I told myself that Yukimura shouldn't keep secrets from me, and I was going to walk into that room and make them talk in front of me. There should be nothing Yukimura can say to Tezuka that he can't say to his own boyfriend. So I went back towards school. But then I decided I'd call him tonight instead. So I turned and kept walking towards the train station.
Besides, nothing was going on…
I'd convinced myself of that, so I was comfortable walking for a little while. But when I was about five blocks away from school, I remembered something, and stopped.
I'd forgotten to give him my usual kiss.
Looking back, I suppose it didn't matter. I even tried to take a few more steps, but all I could think about was how much I needed that kiss, that assurance that everything was still the same. I've given him a kiss every single day after school for the past five months. I thought that if I could just go back there and do that, I'd be able to keep something horrible from happening.
I took off running, all the way back to school. I ran through the courtyard, up the stairs, and down the hallway, hoping, praying that I could still make sure everything was okay.
I was too late.
I threw open the door to the classroom, and there they were…
Kissing.
Tezuka Kunimitsu was kissing Yukimura. My Yukimura.
Words just aren't enough.
Of course, I only saw it for less than a second, because they both turned at the sound of the door opening. But it doesn't matter. That image will be forever burned in my memory.
It was the moment when my heart was broken by the only person I ever truly cared about.
Yukimura could tell, of course. He looked horrified. And then he started to say something; he said, "Let me explain," but I didn't want to hear it. So I ran. I knew that I simply didn't want to know. I didn't care. It didn't matter what his explanation was; the damage had been done.
And that's why I'm still not going to answer the phone.
Stop calling me, damn it. I can't talk to you right now.
I swear, if I didn't know that my parents would kill me, I'd throw my stupid phone against the wall and watch it break into a thousand pieces. Before I do…
Anyway, I ran all the way to the train station. A hundred people must have looked at me like I was either crazy or a purse-snatcher. I didn't care. I just ran faster. I knew that if I slowed down, I'd probably break down and cry. I didn't want that to happen until I got home.
When I got to the station, luckily there was a train already waiting there. I got on and stood as close as I could to a window. I didn't sit, even though there were seats available; I didn't want anyone across the aisle to be staring at my face when I felt like I had to twist it into an ugly frown just to hold it together. I glared out the window, trying to stay as stiff as possible, still worried that I might start to cry if any muscle in my body relaxed even slightly.
I got off the train and ran all the way home. When I got inside my house, I didn't even announce myself. I just went straight to my room. But then, for some reason, I couldn't cry anymore, even though I'd had such a hard time trying not to before. So I just sat down at my desk and laid my head in my arms, and tried to sort out my feelings.
I haven't been out of my room since. I didn't want dinner. I'm not hungry. My mother told me through the door when it was time to eat, but I told her I didn't want any, and she hasn't bothered me since. She probably has some idea what happened; I think Yukimura called our home number when he couldn't reach me through my cell. I'm not sure why Mother didn't tell me I had a phone call. She must have guessed that I didn't want to talk to him.
God, I love her. How does she always know?
I should talk to her about all of this, but for some reason, I really don't want to talk to her right now. Somehow it seems like she might make it harder. I know she'd tell me what I should do about all of this, and I will need that later. But right now I don't want to do anything about it until I've calmed down, and can understand what I'm feeling.
I truly want to die right now.
Maybe that's being over-dramatic. I don't really give a damn. Besides, it's not like I'm going to do something stupid and kill myself or anything; I know better than that. But I can say honestly that if the United States decided to drop another atomic bomb on Japan right now, I'd be the first to sign up for the explosive's official welcoming committee.
Excuse my cynicism.
There are a million questions on my heart right now, every one of them stabbing into me like a piece of broken glass. But there's only one question I can seem to put into words; or rather, in a single word:
Why?
Why did this happen? Why did he do this to me? Why does it hurt so much? Why does it have to be this way?
Why did he break my heart like that?
I'll never fall in love again. I'll never trust anyone again. It's not worth it. None of this is worth it. I'd rather die.
I think that very few people understand what it's like to actually have your heart broken. People say that happens when they get rejected by someone they have a crush on, but that's nothing compared to the way it is when you've actually invested something in the person. When you've been with them for not just five months, but really three years, and when everything had just fallen into place and they were always by your side and you were always by theirs. When you've given them everything: your first confession, your first kiss, your virginity, your undying love, all of your time and energy, and, in a way, your life.
And then they betray you like this.
Why?
I suppose he didn't mean to break my heart, right in front of me like that. He didn't mean for me to know about it. But somehow that makes it even worse. First of all, that he thought I was so stupid that he could make it that obvious, and I still wouldn't know. And second of all, that he couldn't just tell me honestly that he didn't love me anymore…
Then again, maybe he tried.
I am such an idiot. That's what he was trying to do, wasn't it? All this time, he's been trying to tell me that he doesn't want me anymore. That he doesn't like how I treat him, that he wants something more than what I give him. I mean, I guess he never meant that he didn't love me, and he kept saying that he did…
I guess he just didn't mean what I thought he meant, when he kept saying that. He must love me more like a friend than a boyfriend… And that's why he felt he could safely say that he always will.
This sucks.
I don't want it to be like this. I'd rather him hate me, honestly. I didn't think I'd ever say that, but it's true. Then I could be angry with him. But I can't be as angry with him now, if he was trying to tell me… I am such an idiot; I let this happen. How could I let this happen? I was trying so hard…
Then again, he really didn't make it fair. I still don't understand how I could have helped this. Why didn't he just tell me? I would have done anything he asked, just as long as I knew he would never cheat on me…
He cheated on me.
Oh, god, that hurts.
The worst part about this is that I feel like he had every right to cheat on me. I don't deserve him. So of course I couldn't cheat on him, but I should have known he would end up cheating on me. He'd be happier with someone like Tezuka anyway.
Honestly… why can't I just die right now?
Perhaps I should have gotten all the facts. I don't know how long this has been going on; this instance very well could have been the first time it happened. But if it wasn't… I couldn't bear to hear the whole story. I guess that's why I didn't ask. I didn't want to hear my worst fears confirmed.
But even if it was the first time, it still wouldn't matter. He was still kissing Tezuka. He had his arms around him, for heaven's sake. It certainly didn't look like I would have found Tezuka with a red mark on his cheek if I'd come in a second or so later. No, Yukimura did not look like he was planning on hitting Tezuka any time soon. He looked more like he would have rather kissed him forever…
I feel kind of sick.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I think I'd better just go to bed, even though it's only eight o'clock or so. Hopefully Yukimura will stop calling me; otherwise that damn ringing is going to keep me up all night.
Or, if I wasn't such an idiot, I'd turn off my phone…
I really hate myself sometimes. Could I be any stupider? Why didn't I think of that?
Anyway, now that it's off, I can be truly alone. With my thoughts, and with my broken heart.
I meant it when I said I'd never recover if something like this happened. A huge part of me just died today, and the person that I love is probably hardly even mourning.
No, he'd rather be kissing Tezuka Kunimistu.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
2月3日土曜日
Saturday, February 3rd
Something is horribly wrong.
That is the single thought that I just can't seem to get out of my mind, even though I shouldn't have any logical reason for feeling this way. But between a sudden realization and the hollow sound of a voice mail message, I can't help worrying that something truly terrible has already happened, and that I am too late to prevent it.
I finally figured out what Yukimura is trying to do.
I don't know why I couldn't see it before… It's so hopelessly simple. I was thinking about the situation all day at school, but I couldn't get any further with it than I had in the past. And I was so frustrated by the time that I was on my way home in the limousine, that I finally started to try to pick apart my own assumptions about this problem, one by one.
After all, I had already stopped assuming that Sanada and Yukimura's relationship is as perfect as it looks. And that had finally given me a clearer picture of why Yukimura might be trying to come up with some sort of underhanded scheme, the kind of thing that he wouldn't want Sanada to know about. So I decided that if I could just get rid of the rest of my preconceived notions about the both of them, I should have been able to come up with an answer.
The answer came when I finally stopped assuming that Yukimura still wanted Sanada to be his boyfriend.
To me, of course, that seems absolutely ridiculous. There is nothing wrong with Sanada, other than perhaps a certain inability to be eloquent during conversations. No, Sanada would obviously make a wonderful boyfriend, and I still have no idea why Yukimura would want to break up with him, other than the fact that he appears to be a sick and twisted individual.
But that's just it. He wants to break up with him.
He's trying to set Sanada up with me, so that they won't have to be a couple anymore. He's hoping that Sanada will become interested enough in me to decide to end his relationship with Yukimura. He just didn't want to break up with Sanada himself, so he is trying to con Sanada into doing it first, so that he won't be the one to get blamed for ending the relationship.
That bastard.
It's not a test at all. He's just trying to get rid of him. It's just that revolting way that those kind of people have, that smug little apology that says, "Oh well, I couldn't possibly love you, but I hope that we can still be friends, because naturally I still think the world of you. And I would never, ever want to hurt you, of course. That would be beneath me."
It's the same rotten lie that I was told once, except that this one is going to come after five months of stringing Sanada along in a relationship, and after constantly torturing him with that feeling that he'll never be good enough to hold on to the one person that he has learned to love. Naturally, Yukimura believes that this is the only way to do it, and the best way to keep from hurting Sanada, and that everything will all work out in the end, even if it won't…
I suppose that is exactly why Tezuka wanted to help Yukimura with his sick little plan. He's had experience with unwanted admirers, after all.
I almost cannot believe how angry all of this is making me feel.
It's just like when someone tells you that "this hurts me more than it hurts you." It's a lie, of course, but it takes the blame away from them. And that's all those kind of people care about. After all, it proves that they have nothing but "good intentions," right, Tezuka?
Well, the path to hell is full of good intentions, so I hope that they help you both on your journey to meet the devil.
Besides, it doesn't matter how good a person's intentions are, if the plan that they devise is still a complete mess of reckless decisions. Just because Yukimura was overly anxious to get rid of his burden, it doesn't mean that he can pawn Sanada off on the next person that happens to walk by. I may find Sanada attractive, and I may even think that he would make a perfect boyfriend, the kind of companion that I would give absolutely anything to call my own. So even though I have already decided that I will not fall in love with him, it might make some sense that Yukimura would think that I would be a good candidate for this horribly misguided plot. But there is something that even this well-intentioned individual forgot to consider…
There is no way in hell that Sanada Genichiroh would ever love me. In fact, he hates me. That is extremely difficult for me to admit, but it's true. There is only one person that he is in love with, and that person is already his boyfriend. And he is much too loyal to give someone else so much as a second glance.
That is why Yukimura's plan could never work.
Of course, it probably seemed like a perfect idea at the time, and it certainly would have freed him from the trouble of having to tell Sanada to his face that he didn't want to be with him any longer. But the only way that Yukimura would have been blameless in this situation is if he had decided to be honest and tell Sanada exactly why he wanted to end their relationship. Clearly, honesty was far too much to ask from that picture-perfect saint. Or the slightest bit of courage, for that matter… Or even something resembling a decent amount of respect, for someone that I am sure he would claim to care about.
Well, even if no one else is going to be honest in this situation, I will.
That was something of my thought train, in any case, when I finally got up the courage to dial Sanada's cell phone number to warn him. It was still early in the evening, and I knew that he probably would have been at home by then, but I didn't have his home phone number. Besides, he had used his cell phone during that one time when he called me, so I figured that he would still pick up.
The call went straight to his voice mail.
I tried again, but the same thing happened. I even tried a third time, even though I knew by that point what was wrong.
He had turned his cell phone off.
I don't know why that makes me feel so nervous. I don't know anything about his usual cell phone habits… Perhaps he always turns it off at night. After all, his teammates would probably have his home phone number, and he doesn't seem like the type of person who would be constantly getting phone calls anyway.
But I still have this horrible feeling that something is wrong.
I left a message on his voice mail after my third attempt, even though I was feeling rather embarrassed by this point. He's probably going to think I'm a certifiable nutcase when he finds it. Especially because I have absolutely no idea what I said… I think I stammered out something along the lines of, "Hello, Sanada. This is Atobe. I had something I wanted to tell you, so please call me back when you get this."
I sounded like such an idiot.
Honestly, I don't know what is wrong with me. This isn't my problem. It isn't even any of my business, even though Yukimura insisted on getting me involved in this ridiculous situation. What am I going to tell him when he calls me back, anyway? "I was thinking about all of these stupid things that keep happening, and I think your boyfriend is trying to get rid of you"? He'll never, ever believe me.
He'll never believe me, and yet here I am, sitting with my cell phone right next to me and expecting it to ring at any minute, even though it probably never will. He doesn't want to talk to me, and he never will. Why would he even bother to call me back? He'll probably find out that Yukimura wants to break up with him on his own, and then he certainly won't have any reason to talk to me ever again.
I feel like such a fool.
Why can't I just stop worrying about it? It's not any of my business.
But then why does it feel like it is?
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
…
2月4日日曜日
Sunday, February 4th
You'll never guess where I am right now. I'm in Atobe Keigo's private parlor, sitting on his couch, writing in my journal in an attempt to keep myself from eavesdropping. Atobe's in the next room yelling at someone over the phone, presumably Tezuka, who goodness knows deserves it…
I don't even know how I got here.
Maybe if I write through it, I can figure it out. Though it's a little hard to concentrate… I'm exhausted. I didn't sleep hardly at all last night. And the few sporadic hours I did happen to doze off, I had nightmares and kept waking up in a cold sweat. So I stayed in bed most of the morning. I thought if I could just get a few comfortable hours of sleep, I'd be able to deal with everything that's been going on, maybe even work up the courage to talk to Yukimura…
No such luck. I couldn't sleep at all. Not even after the sun was up, when it seemed like the worst part of the night should have been over…
Eventually I got up and went for a run. But that activity only lasted me until lunch, at which point I felt like I was just about ready to collapse. Lunch was incredibly awkward; I had to force myself to eat, even though I still didn't feel like it. But I figured that if just a few hours of jogging had nearly done me in, I needed to eat something. And I felt like my family was trying to be extra careful around me, which made me feel worse, even though I was incredibly grateful that they weren't asking questions. So it was a horribly quiet and awkward meal.
After lunch, I tried to think of something that would keep me occupied for a while. So I thought of the only thing I've always been able to do consistently for hours on end: practice tennis. It seemed like the perfect idea, too. When you're frustrated, nothing feels better than smacking small objects with a racquet as hard as you can against a concrete wall.
There's been too much snow lately to play tennis outside; all of the courts are either covered with snow or water. Besides, it's too cold to want to play outside anyway. So I decided to find an indoor court somewhere. We have some at school, but I knew the team would be practicing today, so of course I couldn't intrude. The only other indoor courts I happened to know of were in Tokyo. I could have looked up more in my area, but I figured a long train ride would be another good way to waste time.
As I was packing my tennis bag, making sure I had everything I needed, it occurred to me that it might be a good idea to bring my journal. I thought that hitting tennis balls might clear my mind a bit, and maybe if I started thinking more clearly, I would want to write down my thoughts. So I grabbed my journal off my desk and stuck it in my bag. After finding a change of clothes to bring, I told my mother where I was going and left.
When I got to the courts, I rented a basket of balls and went to hit against the wall. No one else was there, which I found a little odd. Usually, there are plenty of people who want to use indoor courts, especially when the weather demands it. I guess it was just one of those dreary days where no one feels like doing anything (there was a thick cloud cover all day, which was also doing nothing for my mood).
All sorts of thoughts were going through my mind as I hit. It turned out that it did clear my mind, but I kind of wish it hadn't. The more clearly I was able to think about what happened, the more hurt and angry I felt. It seemed like I couldn't hit the balls hard enough, and I felt like I kept making stupid mistakes. (That's what I hate about hitting against a wall: every single shot you hit is returned. The imaginary "point" doesn't end until you make a mistake, so it's either boring, exhausting, or frustrating, or some combination of the three. And the wall always wins.) After a while, I just wanted to throw down my racquet in frustration.
But I didn't stop thinking about what happened. I really wanted to face my problem and deal with my emotions. Somehow, though, I wasn't quite able to come to terms with everything. Thinking about it seemed to make it worse. Then, for some reason, my focus switched halfway onto what I was doing, and my mind started remembering all the times I'd lost to Yukimura in tennis. I kept thinking how he was too good for me after all, that I wasn't even on his level, that he was probably bored with me and wanted someone who might actually be able to beat him someday, like Tezuka…
Honestly, at that point I don't really know what I was thinking. I probably should have stopped playing and gone home, since it just seemed to be making things worse. But somehow, I couldn't stop. I just kept hitting, ball after ball, harder and harder, trying desperately to make it hurt less.
And then the unthinkable happened.
I heard a voice slightly behind me ask, "What are you doing here?"
I jumped a little, recognizing the voice instantly. I don't know whether or not Atobe noticed that I was startled, but I tried to play it cool. I answered that I was practicing and hit another ball.
Much like other times I've run into Atobe, he was the last person I'd wanted to see at that moment in time. And I mean that; I would have rather seen Tezuka than him. Sure, that seems harsh to say, but I have a good reason. Because, as soon as I heard his voice, I'd remembered something that I'd said to him, not too long ago:
"At least I have a boyfriend."
So much for that.
Let's be honest. That's the only thing I really had over Atobe: someone who loved me and was always there for me. That's the one thing I had that he didn't, the one thing I could brag about, the one thing that made me feel better whenever he got the best of me. But not anymore. Sure, Yukimura hasn't broken up with me yet, but what does it matter? It's worse than that: he cheated on me. He broke my heart in the worst way I could possibly imagine. Instead of telling me directly that he wanted to end our relationship, he went behind my back as if I wasn't even worth telling.
I was positive that Atobe was going to throw that right back in my face when I told him.
After all, I imagined that he hadn't forgotten the comment about having a boyfriend. I'm sure he wasn't too happy about it either. I was sure that he was going to laugh at me out loud. I thought he would say that I'd gotten exactly what I deserved.
And what made it painful is that he would have been right.
I'd hit the ball a little too hard, and it bounced off the wall and into the far court. Atobe commented that what I was doing "didn't look much like practice." I gripped my racket tighter and snapped at him, asking what he wanted. I didn't really get an answer. He could tell that I was upset, obviously, so he asked if I was alright. It frustrated me that he wasn't answering my question, and was instead demanding an explanation from me about my apparent bad mood. So I asked him why in the hell he would care. Because, by all rights, he shouldn't. Not a lot of people I know do, and he should be the last person on earth to care about someone like me.
He responded to that by saying that I was scaring him, and said, "I've never seen you this upset." I really didn't know what to say to that. I didn't want to tell him; I didn't want to talk about it at all. But he inched closer and asked if something had happened.
I was getting really angry. I just wanted him to leave so I could be alone again. And I definitely didn't want to tell him anything. So I made an excuse, saying that he'd laugh at my pain and say it served me right. And that's exactly what I expected. Even right then, I expected him to snicker a little and become suddenly more interested. But instead he said, "No, I wouldn't."
I was a little stunned. He looked very serious; there was no sign of his usual smirk or flippant attitude. That was the last thing I'd expected, so much so that I hardly believed what I was hearing. I asked him to repeat himself. He said, "I wouldn't laugh at you. You don't have to tell me, but don't ever think that I'd laugh at something like that."
I was dumbfounded. First of all, that he said he wasn't going to laugh. Whatever happened to the Atobe I saw laughing sadistically as he tried to destroy someone's tennis career? I thought for sure that he'd laugh at me, too, when he found out that something I'd taken so much pride in had been taken away from me.
But I guess what really got me was the fact that he said I didn't have to tell him. It made me want to tell him. I know that shouldn't make any sense… But just knowing that he understood that I might not want to tell him made me think that he might understand everything else.
Still, I was a little wary. After all, Atobe didn't know what I was going to say. Once he found out what it was that I was upset about, how did I know he wasn't going to laugh? I wanted him to prove it.
I grabbed a few more tennis balls and started hitting again. I thought it would be easier to hide my emotions from him if I had something to do while I explained what had happened. Then I told him as simply as I could that I'd caught my boyfriend cheating on me. He wanted me to explain, so I said I'd seen him kissing Tezuka. Naturally, he sounded shocked, and asked when that had happened. I answered, yesterday.
He was quiet for a minute or so. I was starting to feel angry again. I kept waiting for him to say something horrible, or even burst out laughing.
But he didn't.
As I was swinging back for another forehand, I suddenly felt my racquet being removed from my grasp. I turned to glare at him. He returned my stare and said, "Pack up. You're coming over to my house."
Who is he to tell me what to do? I didn't want to go anywhere with him; I just wanted to be alone. I asked him why I should listen to him and tried to get my racquet back, but he was somehow successful in keeping it away from me. I was tired. Tired physically from getting no sleep and practicing too hard, and completely exhausted emotionally. I didn't have the energy to argue with him or force him to return my racquet. And he said I didn't have a choice anyway. So I gave up. I sighed and followed him out of the building without even bothering to pick up the tennis balls. I couldn't have cared less.
We didn't really talk on the way here. The last thing I wanted to do was break down in front of him. Luckily, he didn't ask any questions, even though I expected him to. I figured it was just a matter of time before he started interrogating me.
He'll probably ask a ton of questions when he comes back in here.
What am I going to say to him? Maybe I should just tell him that I don't want to talk about it. But he probably won't be satisfied with that. He'll probably demand that I tell him more. And I'm still too tired to argue. I might as well just tell him what he wants to know. Just as long as I can manage not crying.
Why is he doing this, anyway? It seems like he's trying to be nice to me. When we got here, he had me sit down and said to "make myself at home." Then he asked me if he could get me anything, and made sure I was comfortable before he went to make his phone call.
He's acting concerned.
It all just seems so unlike him, or at least unlike the him that I know. But like I said, I don't have the energy to argue, much less try to figure him out. So if he's going to be this nice to me, even if it's just an act, I might as well just enjoy it. Worst case scenario, he'll demand some sort of payback later, and I don't really care at this point.
Anyway, it's getting late; I probably won't be here much longer. I can always make the excuse that I need to go home.
He sounds like he's almost done with his phone call. He stopped yelling a while ago, and he's been talking pretty quietly since.
I wonder what they're talking about. I'm sure Tezuka made up all sorts of excuses. Well… maybe not; it's Tezuka. He'll probably "take full responsibility for his actions," or some other noble-sounding thing like that.
He's still a bastard. No amount of "responsibility" can fix what he's done to me.
I should put this away, before Atobe comes back and asks me what the hell I'm doing. I don't have the energy to explain my journal-keeping habits. I also don't have the energy to write anymore.
And I still don't quite know how I got here.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
2月4日日曜日
Sunday, February 4th
It has been a very long day.
I hardly know where to begin, or how to explain the situation in which I currently find myself, but I suppose that I shall have to start at the beginning, even though I am strongly tempted to skip ahead to the end.
Well, I woke up this morning in another cold sweat, after having a dream that can best be described as bizarre. I had been dreaming that I was standing behind a chain link fence, looking down into the tennis court that was spread before me. And there was Sanada at the other end of the court, just like that time that I watched him play against Echizen Ryoma. I watched him play out a few points, but he seemed to be struggling through them, as though he was being consistently overpowered…
It was then that I noticed that his opponent wasn't Echizen. It was Tezuka.
And I was the only one watching.
Slowly, though, I came to realize that there must have been someone else there, because a certain silky-smooth voice was calling out the score after each point ended. And Sanada kept losing every point, even though it seemed like it should have been a fairly even match, and the scores kept getting called out one by one: "Love, fifteen." "Love, thirty." "Love, forty"…
Suddenly, I noticed that it was Yukimura who was sitting in the referee chair, his legs crossed, looking perfectly calm as he announced the score.
And Sanada kept losing every single point.
All I could do was stand there and watch, while Sanada kept diving for that terrible drop shot over and over, and every time that he got drawn into the Tezuka Zone, I wanted to yell out into the silence and warn him about it. But I couldn't say a word, and the point would always end, with Yukimura announcing the score in that devilishly calm voice of his… "Game, Tezuka. Four games to love."
And slowly, as the score headed toward that inevitable 6-0 conclusion, this scenario seemed to unravel into something even more disturbing. I started to think that I was the tennis ball that they were hitting so hard, back and forth, over and over again… At least, it felt like it, because my whole body started to hurt with every stroke, and I had that horrible sensation of vertigo, like I was being tossed every which way. And Yukimura was still calling out the score, but he wasn't altogether calm about it anymore, and he was even starting to laugh in the most sadistic manner. And Sanada couldn't even move; he was on his knees, completely helpless, during that final point…
And Tezuka leaped up for a smash, and I was completely convinced that I was going to break apart at last, once his racquet finally made contact with the ball, or me, or whatever it was that he was about to completely destroy…
I woke up screaming, "Stop!" at the top of my lungs, and then I realized that the whole thing was just a dream.
It was one of the most disturbing dreams that I have ever had in my entire life.
Needless to say, I was extremely unsettled by it, and I started to wonder why in the world I had experienced such a bizarre nightmare. And I immediately thought of Sanada, and I crawled over to reach for my cell phone, which I had set on the nightstand next to my bed. But there were no missed calls on it (as I might have expected). And so I tried to figure out why in the world I would have such an odd dream. It couldn't have been a premonition, could it…? Well, I didn't really think so, but somehow, I couldn't get the nagging feeling off of my mind that maybe it was. And it seemed extremely strange that I would have had such a tennis-related dream now, of all times, when I had hardly even thought about tennis in over a month.
Then suddenly, the strangest thought occurred to me…
I should go to a tennis court.
I still have no idea why I thought that. After all, it didn't make the slightest bit of sense… Even if a tennis match had been part of my dream, that seemed to be the most irrelevant part of it, at least when it comes to what I had been thinking about during the previous night. But even so, I just couldn't shake that feeling, and so I decided that I would go to a tennis court as soon as possible. Unfortunately, I couldn't go right away… I had already committed to making an appearance during a brunch that my father was holding for some of his business associates. But as soon as I possibly could, I asked him if I might be excused to go play tennis. Of course, I don't think that he was amused by my request, but he smiled his customarily fake smile and said something to his guests like, "Well that's my son for you. He's always playing that tennis of his."
So I hurried upstairs, changed into one of my warm-up suits, grabbed my tennis bag, and rushed all the way back downstairs and out to my limo. It was the strangest thing… I felt almost as though I was going to be late for something, even though that was completely ridiculous. And I didn't even know where I should be going, but it did occur to me that all the outdoor courts would be covered in melting snow, and the Hyotei courts were probably being used by the tennis team… So I told my driver to go to a certain indoor recreation center downtown. And the longer that I sat there, thinking about what I was doing, the more ridiculous I realized that it was. Still, I can't say that I regretted it in any way… I hadn't exactly been enjoying myself at home, and it had been a long time since I had played tennis. So I decided that even though I was behaving like a lunatic, I would have a pleasant time anyway.
As it turned out, I didn't hit a single tennis ball.
I walked into the building and onto the courts, making my way toward the practice walls, since I didn't even have a practice partner. And then suddenly, I noticed that only other one person was there, in that entire recreation center.
That person was wearing a shockingly familiar navy-blue cap.
I felt as though my heart had shot right up into my throat; that is how astonished I was in that moment. But before I could even think about what I was doing, I felt myself walking right up to him. And the closer that I came, the more that I realized it…
Something was wrong. Horribly, terribly wrong.
He was hitting that tennis ball as though it had been responsible for the death of his entire extended family.
I felt a sort of knot forming in my stomach, whether from anticipation or concern I don't know, but I knew that I had to say something to him sooner or later. So I asked him what he was doing there. After all, this particular center was terribly far away from where he lives, and I still couldn't believe that he was really there. But the only reply that he gave me was that he was "practicing." He didn't seem to care even slightly that I was there, or even have the usual urge to ask why that was.
Meanwhile, he had hit another ball by this point, and it had been hit with such force that it flew into the court behind him. I have to admit, I cringed. And I couldn't help pointing out that it didn't look very much like practice…
He stopped, gripping his tennis racquet so tightly that his knuckles were white, and demanded to know what I wanted. I didn't really have a good answer for that question, because the only thing that I truly wanted was to know what had made him so upset. But that seemed rather presumptuous of me, so I started by asking him if he was alright. He then demanded to know why I would care.
I didn't have a good answer for that question, either.
So I nervously swallowed some of my pride and admitted that he was scaring me, and that I had never seen him so upset. This was nothing but the truth… He was so angry that his whole face looked completely rigid, and it almost seemed like he was some kind of cornered animal, ready to lash out at the next thing that dared to approach him. And even though I could see this for myself, and even though I should know better than to get involved in such situations, rather than run the risk of becoming someone's emotional punching bag…
Even so, I came closer to him. And I asked him what had happened.
As I might have expected, though, he continued to take out his frustration on me, and claimed that I would just laugh at his pain and say that it served him right… I have to admit, it actually hurt when he said that. Even though it wasn't true at all, it was painful to realize that he thought so little of me, that he would expect that I would do such a thing. And so I took a deep breath, and I told him that I would never do that. He didn't seem to understand, so I repeated it… I told him that he didn't have to tell me what was bothering him, but that I would never, ever laugh at something like that.
He didn't seem to believe me, but as he walked over to the ball basket, he suddenly blurted it out: "I caught my boyfriend cheating on me."
That familiar knot was forming in my stomach again… I had expected to hear something like that, but somehow, I couldn't believe that he had actually said it. It wasn't quite what I would have guessed that he was going to say, either… I expected something more like "My boyfriend just dumped me for no reason at all." And since this reply created more questions than it answered, I asked him what he meant by that.
"I saw him kissing Tezuka," he said.
I felt my mouth drop open.
I then stammered out the obvious question: "When did this happen?" Come to find out, it happened yesterday, presumably sometime during the afternoon. No wonder his cell phone had been turned off for the evening… He had been too angry to listen to any simpering, half-hearted apologies from his unfaithful boyfriend. I certainly can't say that I blame him. And so my warning would have come too late, after all…
I felt absolutely horrible for not telling him sooner.
We were both silent for a few minutes longer. He was still hitting the tennis ball up against the wall, with so much force that I thought he was going to put a crack in it. And something about the terrible noise of that ball smashing against the concrete reminded me of my dream, and I started cringing every time it hit the wall. And I was listening to that awful thudding sound, and then I suddenly realized something…
The last thing in the world that Sanada Genichiroh needed at that point in time was tennis.
In that moment, I completely forgot to keep my distance, so I simply walked right up to him and took the racquet out of his hand. And I told him to pack up, because he was coming over to my house. He tried to get the racquet back, if with a somewhat weaker display of effort than I would have expected from him, and he then demanded to know why he should have to visit my house. I told him that he didn't have a choice.
And it was true: he didn't have a choice. I wasn't going to let him stand there, hitting tennis balls like that, when every single stroke was only going to remind him of the boyfriend that had betrayed him.
He didn't put up much of a fight after that… In fact, he just sighed, picked up his tennis bag, and followed me to my limousine. The ride to my house was completely silent. Sanada seemed too tired at that point to say anything, and I was much too stunned by what he had told me to even attempt to carry on a conversation. But as time went on, my thoughts about the situation became more and more focused, and by the time that we arrived at my house, I was almost tense with anticipation. I led Sanada up to my front parlor, told him as kindly as I could to make himself comfortable, and then I went to pick up the phone in the next room, after carefully shutting the door behind me…
When Tezuka answered, I told him exactly what I thought about what I had just heard, with a generous amount of decibels and not nearly so many syllables.
Yes, I yelled at him.
It took a while for him to find the opportunity to get a word in edgewise, but once he did, he actually managed to refute some of my more outlandish accusations. ("I hope you were enjoying yourself, lying on top someone else's boyfriend, you bastard!" etc., etc.) As it turned out, the situation wasn't nearly as bad as I had started to fear that it might be, at least if Tezuka was telling the truth. The first thing that he said was that it wasn't Yukimura's fault at all, which I found nearly impossible to believe, but he insisted that it was true. He told me that it had been entirely his fault, and that Yukimura was genuinely upset about it, and that he had been trying to call Sanada ever since it happened, but he wasn't answering his phone. (What a surprise.)
I then demanded to know how Yukimura could be so upset about the situation, if he had been fine with doing such a thing behind Sanada's back in the first place. And then Tezuka actually surprised me… He said something along the lines of, "He's not fine with it at all. It was the first time that anything happened between us, and I never even asked his permission. I just kissed him. I couldn't stop myself."
Apparently, Tezuka Kunimitsu has hormones, and they're out of control.
I think the world is finally coming to an end.
He went on to say that he truly regretted his actions, and that he took full responsibility for the situation, even though it was somewhat difficult to do so when no one was answering their cell phones. Well, that sounded exactly like Tezuka, so I have to admit that I calmed down a little. But then I told him plainly that what he was saying couldn't have been the whole truth, because it didn't explain why Yukimura had been deceiving Sanada for over a month.
And then Tezuka finally gave up. He told me everything.
He told me that Yukimura had been unhappy with the way that his relationship with Sanada had been going, and that he had come to believe that Sanada didn't actually love him in a romantic sense, but instead simply looked up to him and cared for him like a friend. At the same time, however, he felt that it would have been too difficult to explain to Sanada what was wrong between them, and too painful for Sanada if he simply broke up with him. So Yukimura had decided to show Sanada what he meant, by setting him up with someone that he believed Sanada was attracted to, in order to show him what the difference was between romance and friendship.
That someone was me.
I tried to point out that this was ridiculous, not to mention completely incorrect, but Tezuka didn't seem to hear what I said. He went on to say that he had become involved with this plan almost exactly when I had guessed that he had, toward the beginning of January when I told him about the Latin concert. He had called Yukimura to ask for an explanation a few days later, and Yukimura had asked for his help, because it was getting difficult to set up these little "coincidences" without some kind of connection to me. And so he had agreed, only to find out later how truly unhappy Yukimura was, and how worried he was about Sanada, and how much he genuinely believed that Sanada and I would be perfect for each other…
I have to admit, there was something in the way that Tezuka explained it, that made it almost painful to listen to.
For the first time, I could understand why Tezuka would believe that Yukimura had nothing but good intentions.
Still, I can't say that I was pleased with either of them, for playing around with someone's heart like that. So I told him that I had already figured out that it must have been something along those lines, and that Sanada was sitting in my front room looking absolutely devastated, all because of their perfect little plan. I then asked him coldly if he had anything else to say for himself, but he didn't reply. So I hung up the phone.
And then I took a deep breath, and walked back into my front parlor.
Sanada was just sitting there, completely resigned… He didn't look the least bit comfortable, and I felt almost desperate as I tried to think of something that I could do for him. I finally asked him if he wanted to talk about what had happened. He didn't seem very sure about it either way, so I pointed out that it might help if he did. But then the first thing out of his mouth was, "I'm such an idiot."
I have to admit, I was almost indignant. The very idea that he would blame himself for this situation, when it was obviously Yukimura's fault and not his, was absolutely heart-wrenching.
How could he even think that?
I tried to argue by insisting that Yukimura was the one who had been deceiving him, but he just put his head in his hands, and said that if he wasn't such an idiot, he would have been able to stop this whole thing from happening. He said that Yukimura had even tried to tell him about it, but that he had been clinging to their relationship so stubbornly that he didn't want to listen to him. And then he said in a shaking voice that it was over now between them.
I knew that he was upset, but I never would have expected to see Sanada Genichiroh so obviously depressed. And so I started to speak more gently, and I said the last thing that I ever thought I would say…
"You could still work things out."
Of course, I don't like Yukimura at all, and I think that Sanada deserves someone who truly values him for the wonderful person that he is, unlike that ungrateful moron. But if their relationship meant so much to him, I couldn't help wanting him to be happy, no matter how unlikely the idea seemed to be. Sanada quickly dismissed it, however, saying that he could never do that, "not after this." I was a little surprised by such a direct assertion, so I asked him if it was because he couldn't forgive Yukimura for what he had done. But he said that it didn't matter if he could forgive him or not, because he obviously wasn't "enough for him."
So I told him that if it was true, then Yukimura was a fool.
I meant it. I've never meant anything more sincerely in my entire life. But I'm almost positive that he didn't believe a word of what I was saying. He didn't even respond, so I tried to explain myself a little. I told him that even if it didn't work out with Yukimura, everything was still going to be alright. And I told him that he would find someone else. I am still certain that he could find someone else in a heartbeat, if he really wanted to…
But then he told me that I didn't understand. He said that Yukimura was everything to him.
What could I possibly say to that?
I have never been in that kind of situation. I have never had someone so important in my life that I wouldn't have had the slightest idea of how to move on without them. I have never truly suffered from a broken heart.
Well, the long and short of it is that I couldn't say anything to him. In fact, I was at a complete loss for words. So I finally offered to get him something to drink, and I left the room to get a glass of water. But by the time that I came back, his eyes were red, and he looked so tired that I almost expected him to fall face-first onto my coffee table.
And then I realized something. His eyes were red, which meant that he must have been crying.
Sanada Genichiroh had been crying.
I simply don't have the words to describe how that unexpected piece of knowledge made me feel, so I won't even try. But the next thing that I knew, I was asking him if he wanted to spend the night here. I suppose that must have sounded pretty ridiculous, and maybe even like I was trying to seduce him now that he was apparently available, but that was truly the farthest thing from my mind. I was terribly worried about him… Some small part of me was even scared that if I let him walk out of my front door, I might never see him again. I know Sanada Genichiroh isn't that reckless; he would probably say that committing suicide would have been a cowardly thing to do. But I almost felt like I needed him to stay here, just for my own peace of mind.
He said no at first, of course, and tried to add that it would be too much trouble. But I wasn't going to let him get away with that, so I took both his hands in mine and insisted that it wasn't any trouble at all. And I led him right into my bedroom and told him that he could sleep in my bed, if he would just wait there while I got him something more comfortable to wear. He didn't argue after that, so I brought him an extra pair of pajamas, and then I went back into my closet so that we could both change.
By the time that I came back into the room, he looked as though he was ready to fall asleep standing up. It was still early in the evening, but it was obvious that he desperately needed the rest, so I told him to get into bed. At any other time, it would have been rather amusing to watch the way he had to crawl onto my huge mattress, but I was just glad that he seemed to get comfortable once he had worked his way under the blankets. I still had the strangest feeling like I didn't want to let him out of my sight, so I grabbed my journal and a pen so that I would have something to do, and I sat down right next to him.
It was strange, though… He asked me the oddest thing, by the time that I had started to write this entry…
"You keep a journal, too?"
I have to say, Sanada Genichiroh does not strike me as the type to keep a journal. (It seems like one of those self-indulgent activities that he would probably consider a waste of time.) But I told him that yes, I did keep a journal, and that I had been keeping one since I was six years old. I asked him if he really did keep one, and he said that he had just started to do it this year. I thought that this was a rather interesting piece of information, since he had only begun it so recently. I also mentioned offhandedly that I would probably need a new journal soon, since I've gone through more of these notebooks than I can count. He said something along the lines of "I believe it," and then he was quiet for a long time.
And as I write this, Sanada Genichiroh is lying next to me on my bed, fast asleep.
In some strange way, I have absolutely no idea how this happened.
Of course, I know that I insisted that Sanada should spend the night in my room, because I was so worried about him that I was afraid of what he might do if he left my house by himself. And I know that he came to my house in the first place because I told him to do it, when I found him at the tennis courts taking out his frustration on some hapless tennis balls. And I know that he was at a tennis court taking out his frustrations because Yukimura had betrayed him, by going behind his back and kissing Tezuka without even meaning to tell him about it, and because he believes that their relationship is over, even though he doesn't know how he is going to go on without Yukimura.
I know all of that.
What I don't know is why I can take just one look at Sanada's face while he sleeps, and feel as though my heart is melting into wax.
Oh, god…
I've been thinking about it for days. I have been trying to understand why it matters to me, whether or not Sanada gets hurt in this horrible situation. I have been trying to reason through the fact that I shouldn't feel responsible for what happens to him, even though I somehow feel like I am, no matter what my logic tells me. I have been struggling to comprehend why, even though I know that Sanada and I will never be a couple, I should feel so concerned about him that I would yell at Tezuka over the phone for giving him even the slightest reason to cry.
I have been trying desperately to ignore the truth, and I cannot do it any longer.
I promised myself that I would never let this happen…
I'm falling in love with Sanada Genichiroh.
I have never felt this way before, not about anyone, not even Tezuka. And I should be afraid for myself, for how badly I am going to get hurt, because I was so foolish as to let myself get in over my head like this. But in this moment, I hardly even care. I would never tell him how I feel, of course, because he would never return my feelings… I could never tell him how much I care about him, or how deeply I long to do everything that I possibly can for him, or how much I would love to stay like this forever, with him by my side, so that I could always keep him the way that he is right now, safe and warm and close to me.
I could never tell him that I have just leaned down and kissed him, too afraid to breathe, while I touched my lips to his forehead without his consent.
I will never tell him. And that is a promise that I know that I must keep. I could never even give a voice to this breathtaking emotion that is growing inside of my heart, much less overcome my fear of it being shattered into a thousand pieces, just like every foolish infatuation that came before it. To see this, the purest thing that I have ever felt, completely destroyed and turned into dust beneath my feet… That would be the last time that my heart would ever dare to love someone.
No, I won't tell him…
But I cannot stop loving him. I am in love with Sanada Genichiroh.
No one on this earth is more foolish than I.
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
Footnote: "Shodou" is the Japanese word for calligraphy, which is in fact one of Sanada's hobbies.
Up Next: Sanada confronts Yukimura, and Tezuka pays Atobe a visit, in order to persuade him to make a certain phone call...
