What The Heck??

The following day, A.K.A Thursday, was already starting off wrong. Tseng was requested by Rufus to take a day off to be with his so-called family so they could bond and all the other crap that family members do when they're together. Well, the moment he hung up the phone was the moment his door was slammed open to reveal a pissed off little blue-haired girl that looked even taller than any two year old he had ever saw in his life since she looked to be maybe three inches smaller than him. In her right hand it looked like the Masamune was in it and pleading for the blood of someone, most likely him as she was staring at him crazily. There was something in his body that said run away, take refuge back in Wutai with his family, and never ever think about his time in Edge and Midgar, or anything about Shinra, or anything else for that matter. Yet his brain was against the way his body was talking to it. His brain was saying find a way out of it without having to kill his pride like kicking her ass like he seriously wanted to do or talking to her to figure that out.

When he saw her take three steps forward while tightening her grip on Masamune and holding it behind her neck, he figured that the only way out was to use his Turk expertise to stop her. He opened up his nightstand drawer and pulled out his semi-automatic and one of the spare EMRs that he carried around in case of emergency. If you can't runaway like a spineless coward or talk your way out of a situation that makes no sense no matter what type of scenario you put it in, then kick some serious ass like it was your last battle...or be like Zak and just go berserk. This was one of those times where he was going to kick her ass and go berserk just like that. Yupp that was his plan.

He heard the twang of the Masamune hitting the EMR and his attention went towards the beautiful blood-crazed daughter of his that was wielding said legendary sword. She pulled back before started another strike which this time was stopped by the semi-automatic before being sliced in half making the Turk Commander think twice when going up against the Masamune. He grabbed another EMR as he blocked another attack from her. He cracked her in the stomach before making a break for it only to discover that his precious house was destroyed and covered in what seemed to be...blood or fruit punch. He was praying to the heavens that it was blood everywhere and not fruit punch because blood was so much easier to clean to him. With two EMRs in his hands and a crazy little girl following him, he really didn't know what he was supposed to do besides run and hope that he could get to his office in time for work. But that little scenario was cut out of his head the moment he saw Reno and Elena standing in front of his front door.

"You two are escorting me out of here, right?" he asked with a pleading look in his eyes.

"I dunno'. Me and 'Lena just thought that it would be a good time to stop by, yo," Reno said.

"Ok. Well it's a bad time and I need to get out of here like now!!"

"Hold your Chocobos, Tseng. We want to play with little Kiwasaki," Elena smiled.

"Wait...the two of you are here with me and neither of you are trying to kill each other and you want to play with that idiotic crazy thing that I call my daughter?"

"Yupp," they said simultaneously.

"I am going to die a very sad and painful death aren't I?"

"Yupp."

"It's going to be humiliating as well especially since I am the commander of the Turks?"

"Uh huh."

"Hurry up and kill me before she gets here."

"MOMMMY!!" there was that shrill that only Kiwasaki had.

"Hurry up, damnit!!"

"But Tsengy it does not have to end like this," that smooth unemotional voice could only belong to...

"Sephiroth? I thought that Kiwasaki killed you," Elena said.

"Thinking is not what Turks do best."

"Shut up, yo," Reno yelled.

Sephiroth whipped out a green Materia, that Tseng could only hope would protect the two of them from the wrath of Reno, Elena, and Kiwasaki. He moved Tseng behind him to make sure that the effects of Materia only worked on the two idiots in front of him and then he would work on their daughter and getting back his Masamune. He may have treated her better than he treated anyone besides himself, but she had no right to take his Masamune and think that she could slay him at all.

"Sleepel," Sephiroth smirked.

"Sephiroth why are you..." Tseng started before he heard the thuds of the sleeping bodies that belonged to his Turks.

"Shut up, my precious wife. She might hear you."

"I could really care less. She wants me dead and I will take my death as the man that I actually am."

"I can't let my wife die from our daughter. That's like Zak letting Cloud die...even though he should...because he ate the last of his hamburgers," Sephiroth rubbed his face against the back of Tseng's neck.

"What the hell?!"

"Didn't I say to lower your voice before she hears you."

The horrible sound of footsteps on a wooden floor was all that he heard as Sephiroth held him tighter from behind. He looked down to see that his living room didn't have the white\ivory carpet anymore and it was now filled with wood like the house of his mother. Then he started to think that besides his daughter was trying to kill him, he was now in his mother's house where she was going to do him in. If that was the case then he would at least die knowing that he was near someone that he knew care for him and in the arms of someone--even if that someone was Sephiroth. No he was not ready to die especially in the predicament that he was currently in.

Those same footsteps came closer and it even started to sound like two or three sets of footsteps were coming to them all of a sudden. Sephiroth's hold on his waist became even tighter as he narrowed his eyes. Tsengwas trying to break free from the grasp before he looked forward witha look on his face that could be describe as something between hatred, fear, and a whole what the heck. In the doorway stood three women, one that was kind of old withshort black hair that was turning white and brown eyes, the other one was old as well withlong graying brown hair and blue eyes, and the final one was young withseriously long blue hair and emerald eyes. They both realized that the young woman was Kiwasaki, but the Masamune was not in her hands.

The old woman with long hair walked over to the two grown men that were still by the front door. She lifted Sephiroth's head off Tseng's shoulder giving him a glare that was similiar to that of Vincent. She ran her fingers through Sephiroth's hair and smiled when she saw him flinch a little do to the sudden contact. The other old woman walked over to them as well but her attention was to the smaller man. She placed her pinky in her mouththen cleaned off what little dirt was on his right cheek. He looked at her with such disgust but that changed when he realized exactly who that was.

"Mother?" Tseng looked in disbelief.

"Dr. Crescent?" Sephiroth tilted his head.

"Who else would it be, son?" both Tseng's mom and Lucrecia Crescent placed their hands on their hips.

"You are not my mother, just someone who worked with Hojo. My mother is Jenova and she is a Cetra that lives in the lifestream because of the Ancients."

"Sephiroth, shut up."

"But Dr. Cresent."

Lucrecia hit her son on the side of his head before turning around and walking over to where Kiwasaki was still standing. Tsengbegan to stifle his laughter like most people would before he too got hit in the same manner by his mother. The three women were standing withtheir arms folded across their chests staring at the two men witheyes that said disappointment. Then again it seemed like making them happy was as hard as making a cat take a bathor at least giving a bath to one.

"You boys are so disappointing!" Kiwasaki huffed.

"We're disappointing? You couldn't even think of wielding Masamune until a few minutes ago," Sephiroth said.

"I have no clue what you are talking about, but you guys did not even introduce me to my own grandparents. And you never told me that you two were getting married today; you aren't even ready yet."

"Married?" the two men looked at each other.

"Yes, Tseng. You are to get married to this man. Now go to the back and get ready. Your father is waiting for you."

"Yes, Mama...Papa knows about this?" Tseng yelled.

"Is there something wrong with Tseng today, Sephiroth? He does not seem like his usual self if he forgot about your wedding," Lucrecia tilted her head.

"Um I'm not really sure myself. I didn't even know that we were supposed to get married," Sephiroth mumbled.

"Get to the otherside of the house. Your father is waiting for you as well."

"I wanna' go with Mommy! Can I go with him!"

"No. Go outside and sit with the others, Kiwasaki."

"Yes, Gramma."

Kiwasaki started walking to go outside, while Tseng and Sephiroth were sent in two separate directions. Tseng followed his mother as he mouthed to Sephiroth that he really needed some kind of help. Everything was getting way too weird for him and at least Sephiroth seemed to make some kind of sense in this world. Everything was really going to become crazy.

He didn't know what happened, but somehow he found himself in a dressing room with his father mumbling about something that he really didn't wasn't trying to hear. It was bad enough that he was going to get killed by his daughter, but now he was getting married to Sephiroth with both of his parents present. If this was some kind of new experimental Materia that Rufus had developed and Reno got a hold to it and used it on him, he was going to destroy the new Shinra building even if it was a shack that was right outside the city.

"Are you listening to me, Tseng?" his father asked.

"Nope," he muttered while examining the suit he was supposed to wear.

"Of all the things you decide to not listen to me about, it has to be about how ashamed I am of you. You get a job with Shinra even though they want to kill us all, you move away never coming to see Mama and me, you have a child out of wedlock making her a bad omen, and now you are getting married to a man. But wait...it's not just any man now is it. It's General Sephiroth of SOLDIER who killed at least three hundred of our best soldiers including your brother and cousins."

"Papa..."

"Save it. Now get ready before I decide to kill you."

"Yes, Papa."

Tseng shook his head before he grabbed his suit only to discover that it was turned into a pearl colored wedding dress. His father walked behind him holding the dress up to his son's body only to shake his head to show that he disapproved it, especially since that was his only son alive.

"What the hell is this? Why am I wearing a dress?" Tseng screamed.

"Because you are a woman. No matter how hard you try to prove that you are not you are. Should have named you Ting instead of Tseng. Jaw-long was a good boy, grew up to fight in the Wutain army unlike you. You grow up to be with the Turks who want to kill us all. Your cousins Huang Fu, Déshì, and Angúo were good men too. Why you grow up as pathetic woman?"

"I am not a woman. I'm Guo, Tseng, youngest son of the Guo Family more specifically Guo, Tseng. I am also the only one that has some kind of sense to leave this place because we seriously suck ass since we actually lost the war to a man who thinks that Oompa Loompa is his name in another language."

"What was that boy?"

"I said in a basic terminology 'Fuck Wutai.'"

Tseng was anticipating the hit he knew that his father was going to give him because the man was crazy beyond imagination which is why he got into the Turks. But while he was as patient as a saint even though he got pissed off quickly lately, his father had a temper on him that could even make Safer Sephiroth scared as hell. If only he was twenty years younger when the war between Shinra and Wutai had happened. There was no way in all hell that Wutai would have lost to them.

He wasn't hit as hard as he expected his father to do to him, but he was hit hard on his back. It seemed that he was supposed to be getting praised for something, but he was never praised about anything in his life especially since he got grown and lived in Midgar and Edge. He didn't know whether to run away saying he had cold feet about this supposed wedding or staying there so he could get the crap beaten out of him by his father. He really wanted to run away and never come back due to the fact that he might get beat down right before or after the wedding, yet he was afraid that maybe for once he was going to praise him for the very first time since he was he was born. That reminded him that maybe he was not even praised a bit as he was born.

"Papa?" Tseng turned around slowly.

"I proud of you. You not big mistake son I thought you are," he smiled.

"So can I have a pearl suit instead of this crazy ass dress?"

"No. You no man. You woman. Woman wears wedding dress or traditional wedding robes and like it."

The wedding dress became a little more lacy and feminine as he held it closer to his body in true disgust because he really wanted to wear the suit that he saw before this dress came out of nowhere. He frowned a bit as he looked back at his father until he saw the look of enrage that was coming from him. He started to take off his Turk Uniform that he wasn't even sure how he got on before he realized that he was still being watched and that was more uncomfortable than anything else in his life.

On the outside, Sephiroth was standing besides Zak looking about as confused as ever as he wore the black tux that he was forced to wear. This wedding thing was not in his schedule and it was messing with it, but as Kiwasaki was getting a little too excited about this he knew that if he let her down it was possible that she would impale him once again with the Masamune. He still wasn't sure where his beloved sword was, but he would figure it out soon and kill all those that were getting in his way.

"Zak, why am I here?" Sephiroth asked.

"You're getting married to Tseng. I always pictured you as a straight guy and here you are marrying my best friend," Zak smiled.

"I don't even like Tseng and I am not a homosexual."

"Daddy, you don't have to hide it. It's ok if you like Mommy as more than just the person you were raising me with or best friend," Kiwasaki grabbed his hand.

"You may have grown up, but you have the brain of the two-years-old that I remember."

"I love you, Daddy!"

"I don't hate you much either."

Before Kiwasaki could open her mouth and protest about what her father had just said, the wedding march began to play. Reno, Elena, Rufus, Rude, Verdot, and Cissnei started walking down the Aile wearing the traditional wedding dress of the Wutains (which for us resembles the wedding Kimonos of the Japanese mixed with Hanfu styled robes). Elena, Cissnei, and Rufus were wearing the female variation styled with various shades of blue, red, and light pink and were carrying roses in the style of a bouquet. Reno, Verdot and Rude were in the men's style made with mainly reds and blues but there was a hint of aqua. All eyes were on them as they walked down the Aile only to stand on opposite ends of each other, the "women" on the side where Tseng is supposed to be and the men with Sephiroth and Zak.

When they were through the march still played as a young girl and young boy walked down the Aile, the girl throwing flower petals from a basket as the boy held a pillow with two rings on them. The young girl held a very strong resemblance to Aerith the only real difference between the two was that the girl had blond hair and slightly narrower green eyes. The boy was a cross between Cloud and Tifa as he had Tifa's long dark brown hair and Cloud's blue eyes. The young girl was wearing a dress similar to a traditional wedding dress while the boy was wearing a tuxedo much like the one that Sephiroth was wearing. Once they were finished and the boy gave the rings to Zak, they sat down next to Cloud.

And then everything changed as the violinists, cellists, organists, flutists, and other people that played the instruments left and people with Gayageums, Dangus, Shinobues, and T'ru'ngs walked out. Everyone turned around as this new music started to play as it was the traditional wedding song for those of Wutai and the song was similar to Deep River by Utada Hikaru well at least by the instrumental anyway. Kiwasaki jumped over to walk to the back of the long red carpet before turning back to the people and her father with a microphone in her hands and the smile that said this will be the scariest thing since they found out that Jenova wasn't even an alien just a scary old lady that liked to possess people and call them her son.

"Presenting the bride and my mommy, Tseng Guo!" Kiwasaki squealed.

"Does she have to squeal?" Sephiroth covered her ears.

"Yes. She likes to be heard," Zak smiled.

As she moved away from the back, Mrs. Guo started walking forward in her Wutain robe that had written on it in Wutain "Mother of the Bride" while carrying a bouquet that had flowers of the same color as her robe. She took a seat in the front row next to Lucrecia and began to wipe the tears from her face because she was in the back laughing her ass off at the fact that this wedding was actually going to take place.

The music changed once again to become similar to Yell by Ikimono Gakari and the carpet was changed from a deep red to a silky sky blue with gold trimmings. Tseng started down the Aile wearing the Wutain wedding dress mixed with a traditional wedding dress while holding onto his father's arm like he would have done when he was a child if he had any thoughts that his father even cared about him. His hair was up in a bun with a jade comb right in the front and it was easy to tell that he was pissed that his hair had been touched. However if one looked even closer they would guess that the make-up on his face was worse than his hair as he had jade green eyeliner on and a small amount of jade blush on his cheeks. Then again this whole wedding thing could have been pissing him off more than what he was wearing, the way someone messed with his hair, and the fact that he was wearing make-up like he was a woman or something.

Sephiroth walked halfway up the carpet when he saw that Tseng was coming down with his father looking about as pissed off as he normally does when Reno doesn't turn in a report about whatever it was that Turks do. His suit turned into the groom's robe when he reached out his hand for his bride with a small smile on his lips. Tseng didn't grab his hand as quick as he may have expected because he gave his father a hug and waited for him to wipe the tears from his face and then he grabbed his groom's hand. He didn't know that he would feel like that on the worse day of his life, but maybe it was a good day because he finally got his father to be nice to him and then there was the niceness that he was receiving from Sephiroth. All of this because of a wedding day?

They made it to the alter holding onto each other more for a show instead of really caring like everyone thought especially a certain blue haired girl standing at the alter waiting for both of her parents. The Priest appeared from behind the alter and to everyone's surprised it was the harboring of darkness itself, Vincent Valentine, and he appeared to be ready to do this ceremony the way that the Wutains did it. Maybe there really was more to this man than what everyone thought because he was so dark and emo even worse than Cloud.

"This is the ceremony of something called Holy Matrimony something that only three people in the audience have ever experienced and it seemed to be that these two want to experience it for a reason that is not explained," Vincent said.

"Damnit, Valentine, just do the damn ceremony!" Tseng yelled.

"I am. Chaos is telling me what to say and I'm just working with that."

"And they say Mother made me do stupid things," Sephiroth muttered.

"Shut up, Crescent!"

"My name is Sephiroth."

"And you are Ms. Lucrecia Crescent's son, idiot."

"..."

"As I was saying, these two shall express their love by getting married even though we all know that the two would rather kill each other and eat the insides and possibly give some to Reno and Zak to make sure that they are dead. Anyway since I am positive that there is no one here to say..."

About two or three hours later, the ceremony was coming to a close. The main reason it took that long was because of the arguments going on between Tseng, Sephiroth, and Vincent over some of the crazy things that he was saying. Then there was Zak losing the rings for some reason that they don't even know...they don't even know why he had the rings in the first place besides the fact that he was the best man to Sephiroth who probably didn't have another living friend to save his life. But as of right now they are at the part where Vincent is supposed to say kiss the bride and it seems that he was not going to give up his little spot in the spotlight just yet or rather it was Chaos not trying to give it up.

"What the hell man, we have been here for like forever, yo. Just let them kiss so some of us can go home to bondage....I mean a nice quiet movie and dinner," Reno said.

"No. There is a little more left to this ceremony so says Chaos," Vincent argued.

"There can't be more. I went to my brother's wedding and it was only about an hour or three," Tseng yawned.

"Who has the million-years-old demon living within them?"

"Sephiroth!!" Cloud yelled.

"That's it, Cloud. I have dealt with your petty comments all damn day, but I am going to..." Sephiroth started.

"You may now kiss your Wutain bride that has more problems than Hojo."

"I take that highly offensive, Turk. I have no problems, just like experiments!" Hojo said from somewhere in the back.

Yes they ignored that little side comment as Sephiroth leaned forward to kiss Tseng and completely end this ludicrous ceremony that the two still didn't figure out completely. They were about one inch from kissing each other when....


"WHAT THE HELL!!!!" Tseng woke up screaming.

"Mommy, sweep. Bad dreams no no. Me here,"Kiwasaki smiled while holding onto her giant yellow rabbit plush that he really didn't remember buying.

"Yeah, sleep."

Tseng closed his eyes to try to get some sleep when his alarm went off saying that it was four in the morning meaning that he had to get ready to go to work and deal with Reno and his idiotic self. Maybe working would take his mind off of everything that had happened in that dream especially the whole wedding and him almost kissing Sephiroth. Please if that worked then he really would owe his coworkers something other than a beating and shooting them with tranquilizers and putting sleeping pills in their coffee and all the other things that happened that he can't and will not explain to them.