Chapter 9
Hardon woke up a few minutes later. He was about to get up but a strong force knock him back down on the ground. Hardon looked up to see that Butt was standing on him.
Hardon was just about to say something else when he heard a familiar voice: Andy.
"Porno Planet! Yea!" he yelled, as he got into the car with his mother. Hardon struggled to get Butt off of him but the car drove away. Hardon got out his gun and shot Butt and tried to run to Andy's car but it was too late. The car had disappeared down the highway.
Hardon walked a bit further and stopped. "Doesn't he know that I'm not there?" He gasps. "I'm lost!" He cries as he falls on his knees. "I'm a lost boy!"
While Hardon is crying a river, Butt talks into his cell phone he picked up from a random car. "This is Butt Lightbeer. We have been left behind like a gay guy in China Town. We will start the destruction of Earth and its whiny bitches in exactly one minute."
Hardon, pissed, runs to Butt. "YOU!"
Suddenly, they stop to see a huge truck slowly coming to them. Butt runs away while Hardon, like a moron, falls in his neutral position. Now, the truck driver is drunk and the truck has no brakes. In conclusion, the laughing drunken trucker runs over Hardon's body, making it misshapen. The driver than crashes into a gas tank and the whole station blows up.
Hardon gets up in time to see the explosion. "Whew! Good thing I'm indestructible." Just when he says this, there is another explosion and a gas leak that is in Hardon's way, catches on fire and so does Hardon.
Hardon screams like Richard Pryor and he goes into a puddle to stop the fire. Seconds later, he slowly walks away, backwards. There is silence only for it to be interrupted by Butt talking on the phone.
"According to navigation portions of..." He talked on the phone and Hardon jumped as he heard his voice.
Hardon interrupted Butt. "Shut up. Just shut up, you faggot!"
Butt hung by the phone and threw it aside. "Now isn't a time to panic."
Hardon disagreed. "This is a perfect time to panic! I'm lost, Andy is gone. They're going to move out of the house when this fanfiction story is about to end and it's all your fault!"
Butt is shocked. "My fault! You and your ball pushed me out of the window!"
Hardon rolled his eyes and said, "Aw, yeah? Well, you and your stupid gay alliance, Ben Affleck loving, dramatic turds crash landed on everything that was important to me..."
Butt slapped him. "Don't talk to me about importance! Because of you, this whole universe is in jeopardy!"
Hardon was confused and yelled, "What! What are you talking about?"
Butt walked away from Hardon and looked at the night sky. The sky came with the moon, which was yellow.
"Sometimes," Butt started. "I dream... about cheese. Back to my life story. At the edge of the galaxy, Matt Damon is making the most amazing movies ever created. If he makes another good Bourne movie, it will annihilate the entire planet. I alone, must stop this person from making good movies, only SPAGETTI!" Butt points an angry finger at Hardon. "And you, my friend, are responsible for making Stuck On You possible!"
There was silence.
Hardon screams, "YOU. ARE. A. JOKE! You aren't the real Butt Lightbeer! You're just an action figure! You a child's stickjob!"
Butt stares at Hardon for a moment and shakes his head. "You are a sad strange little boy. You have my word. Farewell." And with that, Butt gives Hardon the finger before walking away.
Hardon yells back, "Oh yeah, you big baloney fu.. dammit he can't hear me." Hardon walks away, leaving ashy footprints behind him.
Hardon walks away from under the bunch of car and whispers to himself. "Gay ass ranger." He was trying to find his way home when he saw a car. But it wasn't any old car. This one had two nipples on the top of the car.
Hardon knew what it meant. "Porno Planet! Andy!" He ran for the car but then he stopped. "Oh, no. I can't go back without Butt." He ran back to under the cars and yelled at Butt.
"Butt!" he yelled. "Butt! You gotta see this!"
Butt kept walking away. "Go away!"
Hardon didn't give up. "No, you have to see this. It's…" Hardon's voice trailed off as he saw something on the side of the Porno Planet truck. It was a promotional picture for a movie. It wasn't just a movie. It was State of Play aka The Only Decent Movie With Ben Affleck from 2000-2009.
"Ben Affleck's new movie is there!" Hardon called out. He saw Butt stop walking and turn around.
Hardon yelled again, "It's Ben Affleck, Butt!"
Butt smiled.
