That morning, once Jimmy was awoken by a knock on his door, he realized with humility that he was hard once again.
'Are you flippin' kidding me!' he thought, angrily. He sighed in his irritation and got out of bed, standing up, unsure of what to do with himself.
'More dreams... More flippin' dreams! Bloody hell!' he internally yelled, images from that night's dreams coming into mind. Thomas had been lying on top of him, kissing down his body; his neck, his chest, his stomach. It had been so clear, so vivid, so arousing. Thomas had taken Jimmy's manhood into his fist, stroked him so slowly and sensually. It had felt so incredible, much to his dismay. Jimmy nearly wanted to bash his head against the wall and render himself unconscious.
'Go away!' he mentally told his arousal as he undressed then got into his morning livery. He couldn't stimulate himself, not now, and his only other option was to will it away, which wasn't easy to do. He'd ended up pinching himself quite hard a few times, while thinking of entirely boring things, which turned out to help, and eventually he was able to leave his room.
"I'm pleased that you've decided to join us, today, James," Carson said sarcastically as soon Jimmy had made his way into the kitchen. Jimmy pressed his lips together and frowned; uneasy.
"Sorry, Mr. Carson," he said, looking down at the floor then back up into Mr. Carson's eyes. He, Alfred and Carson then made their way upstairs, where Jimmy and Alfred set the table as Mr. Carson kept a watchful eye, to be sure it was done correctly.
Once Jimmy made it back downstairs, he leaned against the wall in the servant's hall as he waited for the food to be cooked, and thought.
'Must I see Thomas, today? Must I bring him breakfast?' 'Well, the choice is mine. There's nothing I must do. If I don't want to go, I don't bloody have to. He would have his nurse bring him his food. He would survive not seeing me. In fact, it would be a service if I were to stop seeing him... It would spare him the confusion.'
But even as he thought this, Jimmy knew that if he were to stop seeing Thomas, it would be a big loss. Thomas had always been there; every day for the past year and a half he'd seen Thomas. Even if Thomas had made him uncomfortable, he'd always enjoyed the consistancy. After having lost his parents, he didn't do well with losing people; even if he'd deny that with the entirety of his being. He would not let anyone think he actually needed or wanted them around.
And besides his own wants and desires, his own needs, Jimmy also felt a tinge of guilt flowing through him as he imagined how Thomas would feel if he'd suddenly decided to stop seeing the man; especially after he'd agreed they could be friends, at last.
'No... No, I will be a decent man. I will see him. I will not be selfish... I will not be a coward... Thomas wasn't selfish, Thomas wasn't a coward, when he saw I was ready to be beaten...' thought Jimmy. 'No... I won't be like that. As much as I want to be... No, I will be brave, I will be kind to him. He deserves it, doesn't he?'
Jimmy pressed his lips together and swallowed. He fixed his shirt, glaring at the wall as he did so, 'What the bloody hell has come over me?' he wondered. He clenched his teeth, raised his brows and left the hall.
The entire morning, Jimmy went over multiple scenarios in his mind, about how things would play out between he and Thomas once Jimmy brought his breakfast up. He again thought of Thomas referring to him as a tease, but was reminded that it would be unlike Thomas to say anything of that sort to him. Instead, he thought of Thomas acting cold and aloof, not looking at him or saying a word. But even that he couldn't see happening. All he could imagine was Thomas smiling at him, as he always did. Jimmy felt at that moment that Thomas really was far too kind to him.
'Pathetic, that's what he is...' Jimmy thought. But then his heart ached and he felt a lump in his throat. 'How could I think such things about a man who was willingly beaten for me own sake? He... he loves me, that all. There's nothing pathetic about that, is there?' 'I should be glad that somebody's so kind to me. Whether he's a man or not.'
Jimmy ate breakfast with the other servants and once finished, prepared to bring Thomas a tray. As usual, he was nervous. His hands were sweating, his heart was racing; the same old routine.
'What will I say to him? What if he asks about last night?' 'I will simply pretend that nothing had happened. That I had just left because I was tired. He might not believe that, I had left so abruptly... But being abrupt doesn't mean anything. I can be abrupt whenever I please. I was exhausted, after the busy day I'd had, and after the wine...'
Jimmy took a breath, preparing himself, then knocked on Thomas' door before opening it and stepping inside, balancing the tray skillfully on one hand.
"Thomas," Jimmy said, sick of repeating the same 'good morning' and 'morning'.
Once having heard Jimmy, Thomas looked up from the newspaper, a look of shock on his face, which he had tried to hide. His brows creased, as if he were confused.
'You've come back?' he thought, joyfully.
"You've come up," he said.
Jimmy swallowed, realizing Thomas had easily understood that Jimmy's leaving the night before had not meant nothing and was for a reason. Jimmy predicted that Thomas felt Jimmy was upset for Thomas having touched him and another wave of guilt came over him. He'd become quite used to the gut-wrenching feeling.
"Of course I've come up. Why wouldn't I?" Jimmy asked, smiling, sticking to his plan of pretending his leaving last night hadn't been for any reason. Once Thomas saw the smile on Jimmy's face, and realized all was well between them, he smiled in return, placing the newspaper down as Jimmy came over to his bed with the tray.
"Ah... No reason, I suppose?" said Thomas, looking into Jimmy's eyes as he reached up to take the tray from Jimmy. He grimaced in pain, which Jimmy quickly picked up on.
"You could ask me to lower it, you know," Jimmy said, irritation in his voice as he bent over and lowered the tray so it was just above Thomas' lap. "There's no use in hurting yourself," he added. His face was rather close to Thomas' as he bent over, and he could see every detail of the man's face. The cuts and bruises looked incredibly painful; swollen. But they weren't all he focused on. When Thomas looked back at him, all Jimmy could then focus on were Thomas' blue eyes. He swallowed nervously.
'He really is different... He's changin'... I don't think he's ever come this close to me by his own...' thought Thomas, his heart racing as he took in Jimmy's scent, took in the sight of his blue eyes, his golden skin, his soft hair, his squared jaw and full pink lips. 'So bloody desirable...' he thought, looking at Jimmy's lips, thinking of kissing them.
Jimmy took notice of where Thomas' eyes had gone, and in return, he looked at Thomas' lips, and thought to kiss him, as well.
'I want to... He would let me... He would do more than let me...' Jimmy thought. But then he analyzed himself, realized what it was he'd just thought, and instantly became upset. He quickly looked away, glaring at the window as he stood up straight, fixing his shirt. He folded his hands behind his back and looked down at Thomas, his head bowed.
Thomas looked back, neither smiling nor frowning, looking rather expressionless, as if he didn't know what to feel. He then quickly smiled a fake smile before looking down at the food on his lap.
"To be honest..." he began, losing his smile. "I'm surprised you're here," he finished, keeping his eyes on the cup of water as he raised it to his lips.
"Why? A man's got to eat, doesn't he?" Jimmy said, quickly, looking at Thomas with an odd expression on his face. Thomas observed him and felt that Jimmy was angry, and frightened; confused. But trying not to let any of it show; so much like Thomas, he was.
'He's... torn, isn't he? He doesn't know what to feel about all this... About me...' Thomas thought. His heart swelled; he knew what that had felt like, when he was young and didn't know what to do about himself, when he had feared being judged or sent to prison. 'I pity him...'
"Yes..." Thomas said. "I hadn't upset you, then, last night...?" he asked. He wouldn't usually have asked such a thing, but he wanted Jimmy's reaction, so he could understand what it was Jimmy felt, what he was thinking.
Jimmy hesitated for at least ten seconds before he spoke.
"No..." he then said, quietly. Thomas kept his eyes on Jimmy's face, reading him. Jimmy looked... Disturbed. Thomas wasn't sure what to make of it.
"I'm glad of that," he said, smiling.
Jimmy swallowed.
"You only touched me. It's not as if you had planned to handle me, just then," Jimmy said. He blinked and looked away at the floor, shocked with himself for having said that aloud. He cleared his throat and closed his hands into fists by his sides.
'Why did I just say that!' 'I suppose I... I would like to see his reaction.'
With that, Thomas nearly choked on his soup as his breath hitched in his throat. He quickly looked up at Jimmy, entirely in shock, his brows raised and lips parted.
'What did he just say...? Handle me...? Christ...! What's he doing? Is he doin' this deliberately? No, I will not get me hopes up. It's just Jimmy being the way he is... Isn't it? Either way, I'll not be good for him if he keeps talkin' like that. I'm bound to react! It's lucky this tray is here, really...' thought Thomas. All he could see in his mind were images of Jimmy, sitting in that chair naked, his own hand wrapped around Jimmy's hard member as the younger lad moaned and groaned. 'Thomas... Oh, yes... Touch me just like that,' he imagined him whispering. Thomas was really at a loss for words. Before Jimmy caught on, he quickly smiled another fake smile.
"No," he said, looking away, awkwardly.
Jimmy began to breathe heavily. The look he'd seen on Thomas' face just then said everything.
'He loves me. He truly does. And he wants me. Badly, at that. He would do anything for it, wouldn't he? I shouldn't have said that...' Jimmy thought. He felt that Thomas was so eager to connect with him, so eager to be loved by him.
'And I've only ever mocked him for it, made him feel he's disgusting... Am I really so cruel a person?' Jimmy wondered with guilt. 'There is nothing wrong with lust... At least, not when love is also involved... which, really, it is. Thomas has proved that. And that... that's what romance is, isn't it? Is being like Thomas really such a sin? Why is it considered to be a sin? Surely it would cause no damage.'
"I ought to be going," he said, frowning.
"Alright. Thank you, Jimmy," Thomas said. Jimmy pressed his lips together then turned and left.
Once Jimmy was gone, Thomas went over what he'd said, over and over again. 'It's not as if you had planned to handle me, just then... Handle me, just then... Handle me... Handle me...' 'Why did he say that?' Thomas wondered. 'He's thought about it, obviously... Perhaps that's the reason he left so quickly last night. Question is, did he leave out of disgust... or discomfort, 'cause he might have felt a bit too pleased with it...? No, I won't become hopeful. I've been through this once, and I've seen... they've all seen... where that lead me. I couldn't possibly be enough of a fool to do it again. These daily and nightly visits, they're probably all because of Jimmy's own guilt... I mustn't read into it. Him sayin' that doesn't mean he's interested in me. That's a world that will never exist... Well... except in me dreams, that is... I must be grateful for what it is I do have. I am glad that we're friends now. That's better than the way it was before. He'll see me even if we're alone now. And I don't need more than that... I don't.' 'I'll ask him up here, tonight. We can finish the bottle if he'd like to. I really would like to see him for a bit longer than 5 minutes each time he brings up me food...'
Once having walked back downstairs, and having seen all the familiar faces... Mr. Carson. Ms. O'Brien, Alfred... Jimmy could only imagine what they would think, what they would say, if they had known what was going through his mind every time he and Thomas were together.
'What is this feeling? I hate this! What's flippin' wrong with me! I disgust meself. It's as if I... I truly... truly loved thomas. This feeling, it's...' Jimmy thought it was a rather wonderous feeling, but no, he wouldn't admit that, not even to himself. 'It's terrible, that's what it is...! Where's Ivy when you need her? I could use a moment with her. I would kiss her, like she's always wanted... then I would be reminded of what it is to be a true man, rather than... than a bloody girl!'
To Be Continued...
