'Hey Lukas, knock knock!' Mathias is telling another one of his jokes. We've only been together for two weeks but I've already heard all of them. I usually try to summon up a smile to make him happy but today my mind is on other things. He pouts and nudges me with his elbow. 'Lukas? Come on, this joke doesn't work without audience participation.' I sigh.
'Sorry, I'm just thinking about stuff.' I stare out of the window. We're at work, during that precious half-hour or so where we can stop working and be with each other. The other sailors can't believe that we two opposites have come together and they've been avidly charting our relationship with unconcealed disbelief.
'What kind of stuff? Are you wondering how it's possible for someone to be as cool as me? I could give you some tips.' For once, his unstinting good humour is irritating.
'No. I've been trying to figure out a way to tell Emil about us. He still thinks you're just my friend and he's ok with that. But this… change, this new sort of our relationship, it makes everything different. You know that I want to protect him but I don't know how I can keep him secure and be going out with you at the same time.' I look down at the table, my despair mounting. Mathias takes my hand in one of his and strokes my cheek with the other.
'Don't worry about it. I know Emil a bit and he likes me. Us not being just friends anymore isn't as much of a big thing as you think it is. He's so young he probably won't even notice the difference.' That reminds me of a day a few weeks ago, when a sleepy Emil asked me why everyone else had two parents and he was the only one who had to make do with just a brother. Maybe Mathias is right. Maybe having a boyfriend would do more good than harm.
'I suppose so. But the point is how to tell him. It needs to be in a way he'll understand. I don't want to confuse him or get the wrong idea.' Mathias is silent for a moment, thinking. Eventually, he says,
'Why don't we tell him together? We could take him out to get ice cream or something and then say it to him.' It's a tempting prospect. I wasn't looking forward to breaking the news alone. I give him a grateful smile.
'Good idea. Tomorrow's Friday. Is that ok for you?' He nods. 'Well then you can come and pick him up from school with me. There's a little ice cream parlour quite close. We'll take him there.' He smiles.
'I can't wait.' He squeezes my hand a little tighter. 'And don't worry too much about it.'
…
At home that evening, when Emil is asleep, I find myself with a few spare moments and don't know how to fill them. My thoughts return to tomorrow and I begin to feel that creeping sense of regret that comes after making a hasty decision. These last couple of weeks have passed in a wonderfully romantic haze that makes me see everything in a better light. Now, however, the fog is beginning to lift, and the landscape it reveals is a desolate one. I worry that I may have been foolish in throwing myself so wholeheartedly into this relationship, having kept myself apart for so long. What sort of message does this impulsive act send to Emil? I shake my head, clearing my mind. Mathias is right. Emil won't mind. He won't even understand. And it would do both of us good to have someone around. I look at my phone and see that it's still only nine o'clock. I feel lonely, so I decide to call Mathias. He always brushes my problems away with the exact right words. I press his name on my contacts list and wait for him to pick up.
'Hey cutie, what's up?' Even though he can't see me, I blush at the nickname.
'Please don't call me that. And nothing's really up, I'm just thinking about how to tell Emil about tomorrow. Should I tell him that we're both picking him up or not? I think he should know beforehand but I don't really want him to be spreading the story around school before he properly understands what's going on.'
'Don't tell him,' he advises me, 'children love surprises and this will be a really cool one.' He pauses for a moment. 'Now, let's forget all that confusing stuff and pretend you only called to have a chat with the most amazing boyfriend in the world.'
'I must have dialled the wrong number then,' I say, with a twist of dry humour.
'Lukas! That was rude. It was also a lie, obviously stemming from your jealousy that comes from being less cool than me. I offered to give you lessons but…' He tails off and I smile as I picture his exaggerated shrug as he does so. 'Anyway, let's talk.'
'… And Z is for zero, which is the number of people who could ever replace you.' Mathias has a triumphant note in his voice as he says this and finishes the game. I still can't quite believe that he convinced me to play 'A-Z of Love' with him, although I do have to admit it was quite amusing, even for me. The clock catches my eye and I realise that we've been talking for a full hour, which will punch a considerable hole in my phone bill.
'Much as I've enjoyed our conversation, I really have to go now,' I tell him.
'Aw, that's a shame. Do you want to get your beauty sleep? I mean, you don't really need it because you're so beautiful already…' He goes off on another tangent.
'Seriously, though. This is costing me.' I say, cutting him off.
'Ok, cutie, see you tomorrow. Just sending a kiss across the airwaves now,' he makes a kissing sound and I giggle. 'I love you.' he finishes.
'Love you too.' I smile to myself as I hang up. I get off the couch, deciding that it would be nice to have an early night for once. As I stand up, I catch sight of Emil standing just outside the living room door.
'Is everything ok, sweet?' I ask him, bending to ruffle his hair. He looks up at me with his unsettling eyes. They've always contained a quiet, perceptive sort of intelligence, even when he was a baby.
'I got thirsty. I need some water.' Then, casually seguing from one topic to the next, 'Who were you calling?
'Mathias.' A flash of confusion crosses his face. He's thinking about something.
'Do you love Mathias?' That brings me up short. He must have been listening. I'm not ready for this, not at all, and this makes me irritated with him, perhaps unfairly so.
'Emil, you shouldn't have been listening in.' I say firmly, hoping he'll drop the matter. 'Now, come through to the kitchen and I'll get you your water.' He refuses to be fobbed off so easily.
'You said you loved him on the phone. Do you really love him? Do you kiss him?' I blush violently and my annoyance turns to anger. I've never liked probing questions, never.
'Emil, stop that. It's none of your business. You mustn't listen to me when I'm on the phone. You wouldn't like it if I listened to you and Peter, so don't do it to me.' He's obstinate tonight.
'I just asked.'
'Well don't. If you really want to talk then we can but wait until tomorrow. You should be asleep by now.' I turn towards the sink to fill up his glass. The hiss of the water calms me and my burning cheeks begin to cool. I hand it to him with an air of finality.
'There. Drink that all up then go to bed straightaway. You're not being very good tonight.' He drains the water in one gulp then gives the glass back to me without a word. I hear his soft footsteps fading as he climbs the stairs, then the click of his door, then silence settles back over the house. I drag my sleeve across my face, suddenly exhausted. I feel guilty about deceiving him but I just can't find the words to tell him. I realise that I'm depending on Mathias to do the hard work and tell him for me. I can't bring myself to care anymore. I'm worn out with guilt and worry.
…..
All the next day, I dread the afternoon. Poor Mathias has to spend his whole break reassuring me and even then I'm not convinced. When we finally get to leave after the meeting, we go to catch the bus together. He tries to hold my hand but I get self-conscious.
'People might say things,' I mumble, looking away. He seems angry at the suggestion.
'And do you care? That's their problem, not ours.' He continues in a softer voice. 'Come on, love, nothing's going to happen.' Convinced, I let him take my hand. This little episode has reminded me of one of the things I love most about Mathias. He's so strong. Yes, he jokes around all the time, but he has a serious, sincere side. I trust him absolutely, and I find that he gives me strength just by being around me. He reassures me whenever I need it, which is most of the time.
We're not late to pick up Emil for once, even after the meeting, which is a blessing. There are still quite a few children there and I see him in a corner, playing with some building blocks alongside Alfred and Matthew. I call his name and he looks up, his expression changing from oh-it's-you-again to open-mouthed surprise as he sees that Mathias is with me again. He jumps up and comes over to us, the game forgotten.
'Why is Mathias here?' he asks me, shy again. Mathias is still fairly new to him, despite all the time we've spent together.
'We thought it would be nice for us all to get ice cream together. You'd like that, wouldn't you?' I reply, trying to make up for last night's brusqueness. He perks up immediately at the mention of his favourite treat.
'Ok. Can I have a chocolate one?' he asks eagerly. Mathias answers for me.
'Of course you can! But just keep it away from me or I might take a sneaky little bite.' To me, he adds in a lower voice, 'My treat,' and pats his pocket. I put up token resistance to this gift but allow myself to be won over.
Once we get to the ice cream parlour, Emil skips straight over to the freezer where all the flavours are displayed, as does Mathias. I hang back, having chosen simple vanilla, and try to order my thoughts. I find us a table and sit, running through the plan in my mind. I have until they come back to formulate what I'm going to say. Lost in thought, I don't notice their return until Mathias slides onto the bench beside me and playfully touches my cheek with his freezing ice lolly. I turn to face him and he gives me a look that tells me he'll deal with the thorny issue of our revelation.
'Emil,' he begins. 'How would you like it if I came to play a bit more often?' Emil isn't at all fooled. He sees through everything, that boy.
'Do you love Lukas?' he asks, the firmness in his childish voice demanding a straight answer. Mathias is taken aback.
'Well yes, yes I do. And that's why you'll be seeing a lot more of me. Does that sound fun?' Emil isn't sure of how to answer, having rarely previously been asked his opinion on me.
'I guess so. If we can watch TV again. That was fun.' Having delivered this benediction on our union, he goes back to licking his double-chocolate ice cream with two flakes. I would never have allowed it but Mathias won't have to deal with the fallout from a sugar crash later.
'Well, that went better than expected,' Mathias comments, turning to me with a relieved smile. 'Now, when are you free for another date?'
…
'Have you got the tickets?'
'Yes, my lord.' Mathias says, a little sarcastically. I forgive him, since I have asked about a hundred times. I can't help but be nervous. For one thing, it's only our second date. For another, we're going to an expensive art exhibition – the history of portraits - for which I'm paying half. Berwald and Tino were so delighted by the news that Mathias and I were together that they insisted on part-funding the evening. They don't even have Emil to worry about since I splashed out and hired a babysitter. There's movement near the front of the queue. I stand on tiptoes to see what's going on. Mathias sighs, thinking I won't hear. He's not a great art fan but we decided without ever explicitly saying that I did something unpalatable for his sake on our first date, he now has to sit through something of my choice.
After a few more minutes we're let in and I immediately start looking around. I go right up close to the paintings, analysing the facial features, the composition of the figures, the brushstrokes – everything. Mathias is already bored and occupies himself by rating all the people in the pictures out of ten. I unsuccessfully try to screen him out.
'Hmm… That body… I'd say a six. But an eight for the face. Nice eyes.'
'Whoa! Ten all round!'
'Eugh, three. If that.'
After a while of this, he gets bored again and pokes me in the ribs.
'What?' I hiss, embarrassed by his immaturity.
'Hey Lukas, do you think the people in the one over there look like you and me?' He points and I look. I don't like what I see.
'Mathias, that's a man and a woman. And I'm guessing you're the man.' I say bitterly.
'What do you mean? I thought she was a man. Honest!'
'You're not making this any better. Face it, you don't even want to be here. Just go back to judging your stupid imaginary beauty pageant. Next time I want to do something intelligent, I know who not to ask.' I turn on my heel and walk off, leaving him stunned. I wouldn't normally be so vehement in my response but my appearance is a really sensitive thing for me, the reason why I was bullied for so many painful years. It belatedly occurs to me that I never told him about it.
He doesn't try to talk to me for the rest of the evening, which doesn't bother me too much, but when the time comes to leave, the silence becomes oppressive. It swells on the long walk home, each of us casting little glances at the other to see whether it's safe to say something. Finally, at my gate, I burst the bubble.
'Mathias, I'm sorry I was so rude to you. Again,' I say, feeling wretched. 'You don't know this but I was bullied at school for a long time because of my looks. People used to say I was secretly a girl and someone else spread a rumour that I was only pretending to be a boy so I could get into the boys' changing rooms. That's why I get so upset when people comment on the way I look. But I know you were just joking, and it wasn't fair what I said to you. I'd go back there with you any time.'
'Lukas, I'm sorry too. If I'd known even half of that, I'd never have made a joke. I shouldn't have anyway but that just makes it worse.' He embraces me tightly. 'Please don't say you believed any of what they said to you. They were all idiots and it's a good thing I never met them because I would have had quite a few things to say.' He pulls away a little so we can see each other. 'You're absolutely beautiful, Lukas. I've said it before but I'll keep on saying it until you believe it completely. 'You're beautiful, strong and clever and I love you. I love you more than anything.'
'If you stay with me, we won't get to go out very much.' I say, looking at the ground. I'm giving him one last chance to escape but hoping with all my heart that he won't take it. My confidence can't all be healed in one evening and I need this last affirmation. He heaves a loud sigh of frustration.
'Stop doing that! Seriously! It's like you don't want me around or something. The thing is, I don't care about not going on many dates and not going on expensive holidays and not having tons of disposable income. I had all these things when I was with Gilbert and I don't think I even had a moment's true happiness with him, not one. I want to be with you. I want to raise Emil with you and be part of your little family and hug you when you get tired and then curl up with you both to read a book or something. These things are so much more important than just living to please myself. You are so much more important.' He kisses me and I feel the wonderful tingling shooting up every inch of my body. His arms are tight around me and I can feel the warmth of his skin and the mad rush of his heartbeat. He is my security, my shelter. I love him as much as he loves me and I know that he will never, ever break his word to me.
