AN: So a couple of notes first. I realized as I was editing this chapter that I forgot to have the Gamemakers score the tributes. You know, Katniss gets an 11 and Peeta gets an 8? I forgot to do that. I don't really know how, but I did. It was supposed to go in before the interviews. Instead of going back and trying to piece it into some chapters that have already been published, we're just going to skip over that. It's not a super important part of the story and I don't think it's come up at all in the other 60k+ words that I've written, so we're just going to go with it.
Am I upset about it? A little, but mainly because I've read and watched the Hunger Games about a million times and I don't know how I forgot something like that. smh.
Anywho, please enjoy! And Happy Easter!
Lily had thought she'd done so well.
She'd smiled, and she'd laughed, and she bantered with Ludo, even though she'd rather have been plucking the stupid green hair from his head. She'd had the audience on her side, she'd made them laugh a couple of times, she figured that she'd made a good impression, even if it wasn't a completely memorable one.
And then James went out there and-
Well she knew that he hadn't brought it up. Ludo had brought it up. Even if Moody had told her that it had been the plan all along for James to talk about how he fancied her something awful.
But then there was the issue of the footage.
Sirius had grabbed James' arm when her name was called. He'd told him not to do anything stupid. She hated that she could hear Sirius saying that. She didn't know him all that well, but it was impossible to go to school with Sirius and not be familiar with the sound of his voice. And she could imagine the entire thing like she'd been standing in front of them instead of having the worst moment of her life just a couple dozen feet away.
Sirius had thought James was going to volunteer for her, to try and help her survive the games? Why would he think that? James didn't- he couldn't still-
There was a knock on her door, and she shook her head, glad for a distraction. Because even if he did fancy her, it didn't matter, not really. They were going into the arena in the morning and only one person would be walking out, and the odds weren't exactly in either one of their favors.
She was wearing a set of grey pajamas now, her hair down as she normally wore it, and she felt loads better to be out of the dress that her stylist had picked out for her. It had been pretty, but uncomfortable. Both in the sense that parts of it had dug into her in ways that she was not used to, and in the sense that she just didn't feel like herself in the dress. At least she was used to the lack of color that these pajamas offered.
She pulled open the door and was only slightly surprised to see James standing on the other side. He'd ditched his outfit as well, and wore pajamas that looked very similar to the ones that she was in.
"Hey," He said, his hand had already been in his hand. "You want to go to the roof?"
Lily bit down on the tip of her tongue. "We should really get some sleep tonight." She said, though just like every day since she got here, she was itching to get outside, even if the only outside she had was the roof.
"We should." He nodded. "Probably won't get much sleep myself, but you're right. We should sleep." He didn't move though, he just stood in front of her and waited for her to reply.
"Fresh air couldn't hurt. We can't be out for too long though." She walked over to the bed and picked up a small blanket that had been draped across the end and wrapped it around her shoulders before she walked back to the door and followed him out to the roof.
They sat down on the ledge and James let out a big sigh. "I want to apologize. And not just for what happened today, but for all of it. I don't know if it's the impending doom hanging over my head, or what, but I don't want to leave things between us how they are."
Lily bit the tip of her tongue and shook her head. "Things aren't any way between us."
James didn't seem to like that, but he shrugged a shoulder. "Well then I should be honest with you."
"And what would be the point of that?" Lily asked, leaning back. She should just keep quiet. Let him get whatever he wanted off his chest. Didn't dying men get last words? And that's what they were, weren't they? Just because there was no blood, didn't mean that their death wasn't coming.
"The point would be to tell you. So that you know, and so I didn't keep it to myself. And that's all," His hand raked through his hair again, but he looked less nervous and more resigned now. "But I don't have to tell you anything I suppose. If you don't want to hear it, that's your choice. I suppose I said enough today."
She tucked her hair behind her ear, "I'll listen." She said quietly.
James' mouth quirked up at the corner and he nodded. "Alright. I just want you to know that nothing I said today was a lie. I mean, there was some slight exaggerations thrown about, but I- I do have feelings for you. Even if lately all I've been doing is admiring from afar."
"You weren't going to volunteer for me though, right?" She asked, feeling her stomach clench. She didn't want to hear the truth if he was going to disagree with her. She didn't want to feel as though she owed him some great debt. That wouldn't be a good way to go into the games.
"No." He said, shaking his head. His shoulders sagged. "I sort of forgot that it was something you could do. Volunteer for someone, give up your life for them. But then Sirius went and grabbed my arm and reminded me that it was something that I could do. I didn't think there was anything I could do to help you, and I didn't want to leave my friends and family for you either. I'm a swot, but I'm not that stupid." He grinned at her and she grinned back.
"But then Remus's name was drawn and…" He pushed his glasses up his nose and shook his head again. "He's been sick for a long time."
"I know." Lily said, looking out at the city line. She wished that it wasn't so pretty. She didn't want to like anything about the capital. "He's been to see my mother quite a few times."
James nodded, probably remembering that her mother was a healer, or maybe he was remembering Remus telling him that he'd been to see Lily's mum. "Yeah, well, I couldn't let him come here. It would destroy his parents. They've worked so hard to help him, and there's no way that he would have been able to-" He cut himself off, his voice strained. "Not that I have much chance either, but my parents will be okay without me. Sad of course, but they'll be alright."
Lily narrowed her brow and remembered nearly ever terrible thought she'd ever had about James all in the span of a few seconds. He was nothing like she thought he was, because who she thought he was would never have volunteered to die in his friend's place.
She reached over and put her hand on top of his. He looked over at her, surprised. "You think my mum will be alright?" She asked quietly. "I didn't really have a plan for next year when we'd be without the extra food. Hopefully Petunia can figure something out."
James flipped his hand over and squeezed her hand. "I'm sure that your family will be fine." He said first. "But I think you could win this."
Lily frowned and shook her head. "I can't win." She said. "I can't go in there and kill people."
"Not even to save your own life?" He asked, his voice quieter, almost as though he was asking permission.
In truth, Lilly didn't know if she'd be able to kill someone to save herself. Sitting here in the quiet and the still, she didn't think it was possible. But she was only afraid at a distance right now. When she was in the arena, everything would change.
"I don't know."
"I think you can win." He repeated.
oOo
Those were hard words to push to the back of her mind, but she also thought that they might have been the sole reason that she was able to fall asleep that night. It was a restless sleep, and she didn't feel well rested but still, she had slept.
When she woke up the next morning, she laid in bed and stared at the ceiling, trying not to move in an effort to slow down time.
But far before she was ready to face what was happening, her stylist team had opened the door and told her that it was time for them to get her ready.
She had to look good, all the tributes did. Even though, in just a few short hours, some of them would be gone, and the only people that would remember them would be their families.
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes as they started tugging at her hair. She didn't want to look at herself when they told her that they were done. She didn't want to see what they had done to her. She didn't want to be some capital doll if she ended up dying in the arena.
Though she caught a glimpse anyway and was surprised to see that she looked very much like herself, even her youth was on full display. All week they had been making her look older than she was, but she didn't see any make up or paint on her face at all.
She walked out into the main room when she was done and found that it was empty. She knew that it would be empty, but it was still uncomfortable to be out here without James or Moody, or even Dolores' awful presence.
She knew that Moody had his own job for today, and that he'd spend a good deal of time finding her and James sponsors. Perhaps he already was, though she wished that he'd taken the time to say goodbye to her before she went into the arena. He was really the only person that she had to say goodbye to.
She thought about Mary on her ride down in the elevator. And her sister as she walked down a hallway that she'd never seen before. And she thought of her mother as she was led into a small room with a glass tube in it. She envisioned all of their smiles and tried to hear their laughter as she stepped into the tube, and as one of the Peacekeepers closed her inside of the tube, she took a deep breath and banished everyone and everything from her mind.
The only thing that she could focus on now, was surviving. She was going to do whatever she could do to get back to her family, back to her friends. To get back home.
The platform under her feet started to rise, pushing her up toward the ceiling, but the ceiling wasn't above her, instead, as it pushed her up, a meadow appeared. Lush, green and surprisingly quiet. The other tributes came into view, and then the countdown began.
