Thank you guys so much for the reviews, it made me feel so much better. You're right; I shouldn't throw it all away for one lousy retard. I can't believe I have 43 reviews, makes me so happy. I can't wait for more.
Well, just read this chapter and don't forget to tell me what you think guys!
Not the End I Planed
Jean sat on the edge of her bed smoking a cigarette, the slim ones, staring into emptiness. She hadn't smoked since she and Logan first kissed, but she had to admit she was drunk and stressed out. Just 20 minutes ago she left him in the woods, probably still stunned.
As she finished her cigarette and lit another one, taking a sip from her beer bottle, she let tears fall, desperate tears as she felt her heart tear apart and her head spin. The taste of the beer mixing with the late taste of red wine combined with the sharp pull inside of her mouth as she smoked, and the smell of heavy fume in her room was making her sick to her stomach but she could care less.
It wasn't long until she threw up, barely making it to the bathroom. Kneeling in front of the toilet, Jean wretched and let the contents of her stomach yank out of her and spill, making her throat burn and fill her eyes with tears. When she finally stopped, she grabbed a towel with her mind as she sat on the ground and leaned against the wall flaccidly, cleaning her face. She couldn't see clearly, all she heard was someone coming in.
"Jesus Christ, Jean." Logan exclaimed when he saw her on the floor, half open eyes and breathing heavily. He was at her side immediately, kneeling besides her.
Jean groaned when he touched her face. "Go away!" She said hoarsely, feeling her throat burn.
Logan took the towel from her hand and cleaned her mouth, but just a few seconds later she was throwing up again. He brushed back her hair and stroked her back as she couched, spilling her dinner, wine and beer and most likely every meal that week down the toilet.
When he felt her muscles relax slightly under his hands, he knew that she was done and slowly cleaned her face again, getting up quickly to get the bottle of water laying on her nightstand. She received it and took a big amount and spit it out, couching again and sobbing at the horrible pain on her throat.
He slowly helped her up but just the second she was on her feet her knees gave out under her and he had to hold her tightly. Jean couldn't form a coherent thought and she tried to brake away from his grip. "Let me go." She moaned out, her hands gripping the edge of the sink, and she leaned over it with his help. She had her eyes closed as she tried to turn the water on and he did it for her. She tried splashing water on her face but she couldn't even make her hand go the right way or her eyes open.
He helped her clean up, and then he carried her to her bed. "Put me down!" She cried, trying to hit him but she couldn't focus. "Let me go!"
He put her down on the bed and grabbed her shoulders, making her look at him. "No! I'm never gonna let you go, not ever." He told her, trying to make her understand. "I love you."
Jean shook her head, looking away, tears coming to her eyes. "Just leave." She whispered out.
"I can't do that." He growled, desperate to make her see, make her understand how much he loved her and wanted to be with her no matter what. "You know I can't do that."
Jean let out a wrecked sob, hot tears streaming down her face. "You deserve better than this…" She managed to open her eyes and look at him, the pain and determination in her eyes breaking his heart. "Please, I can't be with you because it isn't fair to you. I want you to leave"
"No, Jeannie please don't say that." He begged her, feeling his eyes blur with tears. He pressed his forehead against hers, clenching his eyes and gripping at her shoulders a little too hard. "Please don't say that." He wasn't willing to let her go, he wasn't going to let her do this to him.
Jean pulled away as much as she could, letting out another sob along with more tears, feeling a horrible headache make the room spin. The effect of the alcohol was taking over her like a wave, more than before, making everything hazy. "I love you but I can't…" That was all she was able to say before she passed out.
Two days later, Jean had been avoiding Logan, staying away and he tried to stay away, but it was too hard.
Jean was hanging on to all of her control. She knew that if she stayed in the same room with him for too long or give him a chance to talk, she would fall into his arms. She loved him, so much that it clenched her soul and gripped her heart, so much that it hurt.
But it wasn't fair, he deserved better than her, better than to be locked up because of her, be tamed and controlled… She loved him too much to have to see the pain in his eyes when she cried in remorse and desperation and pain or when she simply looked down at herself and realized that this was real, this was her life, this was her punishment for something, something she had done, but what? Maybe something she did in another life or something she doesn't remember?
But he didn't leave her alone, that morning he went straight to her room when Scott and Storm had gone out to do whatever it was Patricia called them to do; when the mansion was empty, he stormed into her room and confronted her. "You can't do this to me Jean!" He yelled.
Jean was on her couch looking at a book, just staring at it because she couldn't focus enough to read it, not with everything going on in her head. She jumped when he stormed in and surprise was shielded by pain and pain was left standing in shame when anger took over for his discourtesy, but pain still standing high. "How dare you force in on me like that?!"
"You have no right to do this to me!" He ignored her subject and growled at her, stepping closer to her. "You can't just throw everything away!"
"I'm not throwing anything away because there was nothing to throw away!" Jean yelled back, trying to hurt him with words, anything to keep him away. She shouldn't have let him so close, she shouldn't have let him fall in love with her, this mess was all her fault.
"There is everything to throw away! There is years of trust in each other, years of pent up love, years of my life that I have lived as if everything else in my past, every painful memory of my past never existed!" He yelled so loud he actually scared her, but if there was one thing she knew was that he would never hurt her, not ever.
"It might have been real for you!" She shouted, not knowing if she should say this. She paused, reflecting on how he would never hurt her, not like she was doing. She shouldn't say this, she knew she shouldn't, it was going to kill him and it was a lie… She really shouldn't say it… "I DON'T LOVE YOU!" The moment the words came out she regretted them, tears coming up to her eyes even if she tried to fight them away. "I never did!" She sobbed out the words, knowing how bug a lie that was. "This isn't fair to you." That was true.
"You're dam right it isn't!" He stepped closer, a millimeter away from her. "You know you love me and I love you." His loud enraged voice dropped to a low growl that sent shivers down her spine. "All this years, they meant as much to you as they meant to me, you can't just decide that I'm not right for you and tell me to leave."
"I never said that!" Jean yelled, a tear escaping her eyes and her face was flushed, trying desperately to keep her voice strong and determined, trying not to brake down and say what was in her heart. "You don't deserve me, I'm nothing, I'm nothing to the world, I'm just a Cinderella that has to do everything she's told so that she can get something to eat and a place to sleep! No one cares if I'm alive or dead!"
"See, that's where you're wrong. I care, I care about you Jeannie, I love you with all my heart and I'm not letting you do this." He said to her firmly. "I don't care if this is all I'll ever have, all we'll ever have. I don't see a better chance out there, I just see myself with you."
"Oh, so you're sticking with me because there's no one else out there? No one else for the beast?" Jean asked him sarcastically, stepping away when her phone rang.
"I didn't mean it like that! You're the only one I love; you're the one I want to be with!" He yelled, not believing the twist she did to his words.
"Will you shut up?!" She yelled when she reached her phone and answered. "Hello?" After hearing the other side for a few seconds, she closed her eyes aggravated. "Ororo, now is not the time." She had to listen to more. "I said I can't talk right now." She was quiet for a few more seconds, listening. "I don't care what the fucking bitch said!" And with that she hung up, prepared to pay for that later. Patricia was going to be mad if she found out she said that.
Logan only stood there, staring at her, knowing full well what she was thinking. Patricia was going to kill her if she found out about what she just said. "Jeannie please..."
"I think you should leave." She cut him off before he could continue.
"No, you can't just tell me to get out." He said in a low growl.
Jean chuckled. "And now it's you that has to see where you're wrong." She whispered, trembling, nervous fingers stroking the phone, eyes blurry with tears, her voice on the verge of breaking. "You see, she might beat me and make my life hell and I might be fucked up and all," She said, her tears falling as she lowered her voice, knowing she was going to brake down any second. "But I still have command over this house when she's not here because I'm the oldest." She looked away from his gaze, trying to hold on to herself. "And I have the right to tell you that you're not welcome here anymore and that I want you out as soon as possible." She let out a sob, closing her eyes, tears rolling from her eyes to her chin.
"Jeannie…" He walked closer to her, reaching out to clean her tears, wash away her pain and anger and have her see the truth, but she jerked her face away.
"Just go." She said in a quivery, completely broken voice. "Now."
Staring at her in disbelieve, he stood in front of her for a long time, waiting for her to take her words back, but when she walked past him and opened the door for him, he could only walk away.
As soon as he was outside, Jean closed the door and leaned against, it, pulling a face as she looked up at the ceiling, before breaking down and letting go, first sobbing as quietly as she could but couldn't help it and got louder, until she gave up and letting it all out, screaming in agony, screaming and sobbing, clenching her fists, burying her hands in her hair and pulling at it like a crazy person, screaming again and again, desperately trying to release her clenching chest, her heart breaking out tears after tears, cry after cry, scream after scream…
That evening, when she couldn't let out anymore tears, when her throat was tired of screaming, she was simply laying by the door curled up into a little ball, when she decided that she better get up before Patricia got back. She had to go make dinner.
With all her strength, she managed to get up, get up and clean her face and walk outside.
As she walked down the hall, she found herself in front of Logan's room, stopping and watching. His door was open; he was opening his drawers and putting stuff into his bag.
She looked away, wanting to walk away but found herself walking into his room. He closed his bag and took a deep breath, turning around to look at her. "Jeannie, do you really want this?" He asked her softly, moving closer to her and looking deep into her eyes.
Jean hesitated, biting her lower lip until she was sure she drew blood, but she had to do this, it was better this way, better for him. "Yes." She barely spoke softly.
Logan closed his eyes and took a step away from her, fighting with himself, fighting the urge to pull her into his arms, kiss her and make her take it back, take it all back, but he knew he had to respect her decision. Opening his eyes, he grabbed his bag and stood right in front of her again. "Then I'm gone." He whispered and then walked past her, walked away.
After a while, she heard the sound of his motorcycle drive away, and she sighed. Why was she holding her breath? A pained breath or a relieved breath? Did she expect him to fight harder? Did she expect him to live up to his promise and never leave even if she forced him? Honestly, she did expect at least a bit more. She couldn't blame him.
But yes, she was relieved. He was going to get over her someday and find someone new, someone that could give him a real life. Fighting her tears, she knew she had to do it, she had to let him go and from now on she world never love anyone like that ever again. This was her life now, no hope, just like the story she detested as a child, Cinderella.
Slowly, she walked down to the kitchen and started making a soup. It was a long time later that she realized that she wasn't thinking, her hands were moving alone and that she was crying, silent tears dripping into the soup. "Shit." She cursed herself.
She needed a walk. Without another thought, she walked out of the mansion and towards the woods. She walked for what seamed an eternity, walking past the place they had had a picnic, walking without really watching her way, until she came upon a bridge. It was in ruins, dangerous. Frowning, she stared at it, and then she remembered why it was so familiar.
She had to have been about 11; it was winter and it had just finished snowing. She had just gotten to the mansion and was curious about the woods. She had wondered in and got lost. She came upon this small concrete bridge that led to the other side of the lake and hoping that crossing it would lead her back to the mansion, she had decided to cross it. It looked perfectly safe, but once she got to the middle of it, she slipped on the icy surface and as she tripped against the sides, the small ramparts instead of protecting her drop broke completely when she fell against them and she went straight into the lake with a scream. The water was freezing but not frozen and it was deep, too deep and she was drowning. If it hadn't been for that student that liked hanging around those parts, she wouldn't be here today.
"Oh God." Jean exclaimed as she remembered, but then she chuckled. After she got out alive she had been so grateful, thanking God for giving her another chance to live, but today as she looked at the broken bridge, she wondered if she was supposed to die that day, if God had done that so that he could take her away and she wouldn't have to live through all this pain. Maybe that student was there by mistake.
She sighed, an idea striking her. She never really thought about that kind of stuff because she knew she wouldn't dare, she couldn't bring herself to take her own life with a scalpel or the gun hidden in her office for emergencies. Back then she thought about it a lot, even got everything ready once, the tub full of cold water, loud music, fine scalpels, pills and a bottle of Jack Daniels, but she couldn't bring the scalpel to her wrists, or swallow that many pills, and the liqueur only made her sick, it didn't have effect with the drugs.
She had stopped trying when she met Logan, because something told her there was hope. But now, he was gone, and there was no hope, why did she ever let herself think there was? With tentative steps, she walked closer to the bridge. It was late at night, it was autumn, and she was wearing jeans and a long sleeve shirt, her hair loose.
She wondered if she should just get it over with, end this suffering. As she walked closer, she was tempted to try once again, try to see if she could escape this, escape her miserable life.
She took a deep breath, standing a foot away from the crack where she fell as a young girl. She could escape, leave this torment, die and be gone. Suicide wasn't the way she hoped it would all end; she used to have some hope, but not anymore. Killing herself hadn't been in her list of endings. She thought maybe Patricia would die and she would be free, or Patricia would magically have a change of heart, or maybe Logan would take her away… But no, he deserved better than to wait.
As she climbed onto the banister, she had no expression on her face, just a blank mask of vulnerability. She knew that it was deep and she wasn't a good swimmer. As for her powers, if she became desperate to get out of the water and tried to use them, they probably wouldn't work anyway, she'll die before she manages to take control… It'll take a while, she'll try to swim, try to get to the edge but it was kind of far, and the bridge not low enough for her to get a hold of, she'll probably swallow some water and choke, she might even make it out alive, who knew?
That was it, as she stood upright and balanced on the thin, fragile banister; she decided this was going to be her end, the end. Not the End I Planned, but it will have to do She thought a little regretfully.
With a tear streaming down her face and a nervous smile on her face, she stretched her arms out at shoulder level by her sides, pressing her legs together firmly and she started speaking in hushed tones… "God, forgive me for I have sinned, I have broken the heart of the man I love but only to protect him… I have betrayed myself but only because it was the only way to survive… I have stolen form people… I have bared false witness more than once…" Letting out a sob she shook her head, knowing how ridiculous this might sound. "I have violated almost every one of the commandments, including murder, more than 10 persons and now myself." She opened her eyes, taking a deep breath. "I ask you to forgive me, please, and when you get the chance… Tell Logan how much I love him." She said the last words in a mare whisper, closing her eyes and letting tears fall.
She looked down, hoping that God forgave her and she wasn't going to Hell, she had had enough of it here on Earth. "I love you Logan." She whispered to herself before closing her eyes and leaning forward just enough and she felt herself starting to fall, felt her hair being blown back as she fell and then she was inside the chilly water. She stayed under for as long as she could, but it wasn't long until she felt desperate to breathe… but she had been right, her powers weren't working, the shore wasn't close enough and she decided to just stay put… And that was the end she hadn't thought would be, definitely not the end that she had planned.
So? I don't think the suicide scene came out right, a little too corny? Please, give me lots and lots of reviews! I love it!
