A/N: OMG I am so sorry for not updating sooner! Spring break and no internet access. I actually already have the next chapter done, so after a few reviews, i'll update again. Please keep the reviews coming! You've been absolutely amazing so far!
Chapter 9
School is probably the most miserable thing in the world. Sitting in a class with Stan teaching is worse than getting my ass kicked by Dimitri in practice. Thank God Lissa was in my class, or else it'd be a hell of a lot worse.
Lissa passed me a note.
Are you graduating with the rest of us? It was only a month away, but I could still catch up. Dimitri said good luck to me catching up in my regular classes. I told him he could shove his luck straight back up his ass. He laughed and I walked away. Of course, he came after me and told me he was sorry (after he enraptured me in a passionate kiss).
I wrote, yeah. It just may take a lot of extra study hours. The class period lasted way too long. The only thing keeping me from dashing to the gym was Lissa, who wanted to talk about Christian and her new home at Court.
"I don't know why Tatiana is so against having Christian at court!" I could feel her frustration. "No one but us seems to understand that he's not his parents! The only reason that she's letting him come is because I told her if he didn't come, I didn't." It bothered me that she could love Christian so much. Love radiated from her like the sun radiates heat.
I rolled my eyes at her. "Hey, at least he gets to go. Who gives a damn if the bitch doesn't approve? She can't force you to get involved with Adrian…EW." Adrian and Lissa together is like putting me and Christian together. Flat out gross.
She shrugged. She still felt a little irritated, making me feel really irritable. I got a little mean. "Lissa, what the hell?" I stepped in front of her, causing her to brake in front of me in surprise. "You've got Christian for however long you are happy together, you get to go to a bigger college than you expected, and you got invited by Queen Tatiana herself to live at court. Why can't you just accept the fact that you have everything you've ever wanted and get it over with?" I snapped at her. She looked like a deer in headlights. I let out an exasperated sigh and walked towards the gym, where I would hopefully find solace.
The spring weather had finally arrived. All the trees were in bloom and the grass started to turn green. I marched through the puddles from early spring rain and into the gym to change. I'm pretty sure Dimitri caught onto my mood when I didn't even glimpse at him from across the gym when I first walked in. When I walked out in my sweats, Dimitri was waiting for me with my gloves.
"Rose," I heard caution in his voice.
"Hey," I went to grab my gloves, but he pulled them away.
"What's wrong?" He pried.
I frowned. "Nothing." I reached for them again and he held them over his head. Officially irritated, I crossed my arms over my chest and glared. Dimitri glared right back. His looked much more impressive than mine. "What?" I demanded.
"Why are you angry?" He demanded back.
"I'm not angry! I'm fine." I acted like this was the most ridiculous conversation ever and he was just being over concerned. He didn't buy into it.
Dimitri took a firm, but not uncomfortable, hold on my arm and looked at me straight in the eye. "Stop, Rose." Something about his gaze told me that what I was doing was out of the norm. He was telling me that this isn't me. The words seemed to click in my head and I snapped back.
My eyes went wide. "Oh God, I'm so sorry Dimitri!" I apologized quickly. He sighed with relief. I continued saying, "I didn't mean to snap at you!" I was on the brink of tears. Dimitri pulled me into his arms. "Lissa was just so irritated earlier about the Tatiana approval issues which made me irritated because she doesn't really appreciate what she's got and—"
"Shh, Roza. It's okay." He kissed the top of my head. "Calm down, it's alright. I don't mind at all." I took a few deep breaths to collect myself.
Dimitri was my cure to everything. One look, one touch, will bring me back down to earth. A couple months ago, before he disappeared, he saved me from going completely mad when Lissa lost it with Jesse. He put up with my pointless and weak fight, and he loved me despite the fact I could turn into a monster within a split second. We loved each other, and we would do anything to help one another…no matter the consequences.
"Are you okay to practice, or should we break?" He looked concerned, but I could hear the double meaning woven into his words.
Shaking my head, I told him, "No no, I'm okay. I just needed a minute." He looked at me speculatively and handed me my gloves. I stepped back and took my stance. He wasn't ready. "If you go easy on my I swear to God you'll regret it." He smiled, seeming relieved that I was myself again. He took his stance.
Before we even took hits, he told me, "Raise your right fist a little bit. Always have your head protected." I did as ordered. His leg came flying at me with amazing speed. I was barely able to block his kick from coming in contact with my face with my right fist…which moments before wouldn't have protected me; lesson learned.
We continued fighting back and forth for an hour…unless you don't count the fifteen minute water (*cough*) break. After we finished for the day, he walked me to the cafeteria.
"How come I totally kicked your ass when you were a strigoi, but now I can hardly make contact with you now? It doesn't seem right because when you're a strigoi, you are stronger and faster." I looked up at him and he had the expression on his face that told me he was churning over thoughts in his head.
He took my hand in his, but didn't break stride. "Roza," I immediately tuned in. He only used my Russian name when he felt affectionate for me in the particular moment. "You will probably never fully understand the extent of my love for you," I think I could guess. "That love, more or less, stayed with me during that time." Oh.
How could someone love someone so much that even though they'd lost their soul, the love for that person managed to stay embedded into that body? I don't know, but Dimitri seemed to pull it off. Even when he knew I was about to kill him, he welcomed it, because he knew that it was killing me to see him like that.
"No matter what kind of monster I become, there will always be a part of me that will never be able to bring that kind of harm to you." In the shade of the trees, without warning, I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him for all he's worth. Even though our relationship couldn't come out until graduation, his moment couldn't wait. He kissed me back. His grip on my waist was so tight, I wasn't sure if I could ever leave.
The way we fit together was like two puzzle pieces. Our names came together like cookies and cream, or macaroni and cheese (you can't have cookies without the cream and you can't have macaroni without the cheese). We couldn't go against the pull that molted us together. This made me even more impressed with what Dimitri did.
He pulled away, a little breathlessly, but held me close. "That was mean." He said.
I smiled. "You know you wouldn't have had it any other way. You like that I don't have impulse control." He frowned.
"Only some of the time," he warned.
"So do you think some of the strength you had as a strigoi stayed with you?" At this he frowned.
"I don't know. I feel normal, but I guess I've lost my sense of what is normal. I haven't really done any deep thinking on it. Since I didn't crave blood, they told me I was a dhampir again." I could tell that the thought troubled him. He can't really tell what he is, and that can't be a good feeling.
He reluctantly put me down. "I'll see you tomorrow morning." He started to walk away.
"Wait," I called after him. He turned around. I got close enough for him to hear me. "Is there any way that we can be together?" I said in a low voice. "I'm eighteen; shouldn't that give me certain rights?" I tried to think of any excuse that would allow Dimitri and I to be together.
He put a gentle hand on my shoulder and shook his head sadly. "Not as long as you are attending the academy. Once you graduate, you can do what you want, but until then," he shook his head again. I could tell from the look in his eyes that he didn't like the fact any more than I did.
When he started walking back towards the administration building, I started walking towards the cafeteria. Christian waited outside the doors, staring at the spot where Dimitri and I were just standing. He looked at me out of the corner of his eye. "What was that?"
"What are you talking about?" Playing stupid is the best way to escape these types of situations.
He followed me in. "I just saw you and Guardian Belikov. You two seemed to be getting…cozy." His nosiness really got on my nerves. I used a complete opposite technique.
"Ind-may your own uissness-bay." I told him. He just stood there dumbfounded.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He thought I made up my own language.
I rolled my eyes at him. "It's pig Latin you moron. Figure it out." I walked into the food line and grabbed my dinner. I found my normal spot at our table and sat across from Lissa, who still felt a little upset about me snapping at her earlier. Her thoughts loomed over my angry and irritated facial expression. She thought about how erratic my emotions can be.
I came out straight with her. "Lissa, I'm really sorry for snapping at you earlier. I really didn't mean it. I've just been on edge since…well, yeah." I didn't need to elaborate. She smiled, but still felt a little hurt. "So where's Adrian? I haven't seen him around." I looked around the other tables.
"Speak of the Devil and the Devil shall appear," Eddie muttered. Sure enough, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around and Adrian was looming over me.
"Hey little Dhampir," he greeted me with a smile before sitting down next to me. He whispered in my ear, "Still interested?" I turned and glared at him.
"He came back, and I gave you back what I didn't use, which happened to be a lot more than you expected." I gave him a warning glance. He held up his hands in surrender jokingly, though his eyes showed some disappointment.
Thanks to Adrian, I started to think about Dimitri again. I wanted nothing more than to be wrapped up in his warm embrace and stay there for the rest of eternity. I looked at Lissa, who sat curled up into Christian. I took a little peak into her mind and discovered she felt very content. She thought about how perfect her future was going to be: me and Dimitri as guardians, Christian, going to school, living at court.
Lucky Lissa. She gets everything.
Rose. Lissa's voice interrupted my thoughts. I just looked at her. How'd it go with your mom? I shrugged. It went better than expected, that's for sure. Will I be able to see you later? Or are you on probation of sorts? Knowing Kirova, she probably has maximum security watching me. I held up my wrist and pretended there were shackles on my wrist. Lissa rolled her eyes at my over dramatic representation of the situation.
"We," Lissa said standing up from the table with Christian, "are going to have a long talk later." The way Christian looked at her; I knew this would be a long night for me. I just smiled up at her. When she left, I started to rub my temples in preparation for the inevitable headache that is to come.
Eddie and Adrian looked at me with expecting looks on their faces. I finished my dinner and got up. "For God's sake, take a picture, it'll last longer." The stares were becoming obnoxious. I miserably made my way back to the dorm. I tried to figure out ways to keep Lissa out of my head: books, music, thinking dirty thoughts about Dimitri, maybe going for a run later.
I got to my room and looked around, looking for something to do. Nothing. I decided that a nice long shower should help. Sadly, not even the nice warm shower could take away the sickening feeling of loneliness I felt.
I wonder if this is how Kirova feels 24/7, 'cause she's too big a bitch for anyone to like.
Fleeting thought.
While dressing into my pajamas, I repeated, one month one month one month, like a mantra. Bored, I started to do crunches. I figured, since it takes forever to count to a billion and keeping busy makes time go quicker, I decided to count to a billion and do crunches. Around a thousand five hundred, my muscles started to hurt. Continuing my counting, I counted the seconds I could hold my wall sit. My legs started to shake and I knew I was pushing it. I moved onto push-ups and counted up to five thousand.
I took a brief glance at the clock. It was only nine o' clock in the morning. On a push-up down, I never made it back up. My eyes closed despite my efforts to keep them open. I fell asleep the instant my cheek touched the carpet.
Heat. I felt so warm. The warmth was probably coming from the person hovering on top of me. My heart pounded in my chest like a drum roll.
Not my heart. Lissa's.
Shit. Once again, I am pulled in by Lissa into one of her night rendezvous with Christian. Just kill me now. I never thought I'd say this, but Lissa is becoming a whore. Is this going to happen every God damned night? Why must I suffer?
"I love you." The words felt as if they left my mouth.
Everything rests on this moment. Please say it back, please say it back. No!
"I love you, too," his husky voice responded. Happiness swelled in Lissa. They started kissing furiously, almost in a panic, or as if they were starving half to death.
You don't love Christian! I screamed at myself. I could feel his hand go in places that I didn't want him to touch, but Lissa loved it. You don't love Christian, you love Dimitri!
His name was the splash of cold water I needed to wake up. If we loved each other, then why wasn't he here with me? A wave of melancholy overcame me. I wrapped my arms around myself, feeling nothing but emptiness. Why was I always so alone? Lissa always has Christian, when I hardly ever get Dimitri.
Without warning, tears started falling down my cheeks. Why was I feeling this? I felt like I was about to explode. The loneliness was eating me up inside. Frantically, I started looking for anything that would help relieve me. I started ravaging through my drawers, tears streaming down my face the entire time. My breathing became heavier until it became frantic. I couldn't control myself. My hand brushed across the top of my desk, knocking over several books and papers…and catching a pair of scissors.
My body controlled itself, not me. With no hesitation, I opened the scissors and sliced the palm of my hand. I gasped at the pain. When I looked at the three inch gash with blood pouring out, my tears stopped flowing, and I snapped back down to earth.
"Oh, shit!" I said under my breath. Quickly, I bounced around the room looking for that would stop the blood flow that was leaking uncontrollably onto the floor. Thank god I own band-aids. I picked out the biggest one (it's one of those awesome variety packs) and smacked it over my palm. The blood started coming out through the bandage after about ten seconds. I began to feel a little dizzy from the loss of blood, which happened to be all over my floor. There was gauze at the bottom of my desk drawer that I wrapped around my hand, hoping it would at least stop the blood from staining the floor.
I let the dizziness take over me and leaned against the side of me desk, too zonked out to stand up or do anything. My eyes closed involuntarily. Even with my eyelids closed, the world spun. I felt myself tip, and before I completely passed out, I felt my head hit the blood-stained carpet and sink into a peaceful sleep I never thought would come.
