Chapter Nine

Draco's POV

"Malfoy, meet me at the greenhouses at two o'clock." I can still hear Katherine's hushed voice whispering the words to me in History of Magic this morning. Her voice was so mesmerizing, so beautiful. We're meeting there in the hope that maybe we can actually get work done without any other distractions. The due date is getting closer and closer and all we have is an extensive outline and some notes. I'm almost glad that we haven't gotten much done because it means the more time I get to spend with her.

As I approach the greenhouses, my heart sinks in my chest. I don't see her; maybe she forgot that we were meeting today, although it wasn't likely, as it was her idea. I bite my lip and turn the corner to the other side of the greenhouses. To my surprise, Katherine is lying on the ground, on her stomach near a patch of flowers, now wilting in the changing weather. "Creswell." I say, causing her to gasp, whipping her head around. She grabs her wand from her side, moving to raise it. She relaxes immediately as her eyes fixate on mine, dropping her arm back down. "Merlin, Draco, you startled me." She says, giggling a little. Hearing her utter my first name forced my lip to quirk up into a smile. It gave me a strange warm feeling in my chest that I couldn't quite place. "Sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you." She pats a patch of grass next to her, calling me over to her. "It's alright; come over here so we can get started." She says. I sit down carefully and place my books beside me. I turn over onto my stomach next to her. She laughs and I'm not sure why, but the sound is so pure I can't help but smile.

"Where do you want to start?" I ask, opening my books. She shrugs, replying "Maybe the essay because if it comes down to it, we can just wing the oral." I nod, moving the outline for the oral to the side and taking out fresh parchment for the essay. I open the textbook as well as Katherine's library books. She writes out the essay as I formulate the information we gathered in the past two weeks into coherent thoughts and repeat it to her.

Katherine's hair blows delicately in the wind, the sun hitting her face at all the right angles. She was glowing, radiating beautifully. Her eyes trail up and down the parchment, rereading what we have written so far. She looks so content, so serious, but yet kind and gentle. She looked so beautiful. She looked perfect, from every feature of her face to her demeanor to her personality. I've never met someone who's been as incredibly kind to me as she has. I can't find one thing about her that I don't admire. Except, maybe her soft spot for Potter or the fact that she's a Gryffindor.

I wish it would be easy for me to like her, for her to like me, but it's not. It's complicated and messed up. It's wrong for me to look at her the way I do, the way I have for years. It's wrong for me to want to kiss her, to want to be with her. This fucked up world we live in controls everything. Because of who I am and who I'm related to, I can't be with the only person I want to be with because of who she's related to. It's not fair to me, to us. Maybe in a different world, in a different time, she would like me back and we would be able to be together. It's stupid. No one asked me who I want to be, what I want to be, who I want to be with; it was all just assumed, expected of me by my family. Why is it that our society, our world, this war, can tell me who I can and can't love?

We're supposed to be able to find comfort in love, but but all I've known is pain and suffering. All I've known is longing from afar, looking through the window at something, someone that I can never have. It's not fair, but then again that's life; that's this world. It's so cruel, so frigid. This world is so cold I don't even find comfort in loving my own parents. In fact, I'm not even sure that I love my father. I love my mother dearly, but my father around, I could never show it to her and she could never show me.

"I'm sorry for running out on you the other day on the quidditch pitch." I say, trying to sound sincere. Her eyes look up from the paper and move to me. She studies me for a moment before answering. "Don't worry about it." Katherine shakes her head. "I know how Harry can get. Sometimes, I just forget…" Her voice trails off, as do her eyes, breaking contact with mine. "What is it?" I ask, furrowing my eyebrows. She hesitates, before trailing her eyes back to mine. "I don't want you to take this the wrong way." She says, pausing, biting her lip for a moment, considering whether or not to continue.

"I like hanging out with you, Draco. I really do." She says, hesitating again. Her voice comes out hushed, almost a whisper. "But, sometimes, I forget who I am, who you are because it just seems so… easy. Talking to you, being with you, I mean; it feels natural. I can't really explain it..." She bites her lip, thinking for a moment before continuing her statement, her chocolate orbs staring into my storm grey ones. "I forget how it's supposed to be, how it really is. How we're not supposed to be seen together or talk to each other or even give something as simple as passing glance. Something that feels so natural shouldn't be considered wrong. What I mean to say is that I feel different when I'm with you, if that makes any sense. Sometimes, I feel like I don't care if people see us walking together or talking. Why should I? Of course, there's a million reasons why..." She asks rhetorically and answers herself, trailing off.

Katherine bites her lip, staring at me staring at her, looking completely dumbfounded. "I don't really even know what I'm saying." She says, laughing and shaking her head. I don't really know what to say, what to do. A smile slips over my lips before I can help it. It's now that I notice how close she really is to me right now. I can smell her perfume, sweet, but not too sweet that it's sickening. The scent smells familiar, warming. I turn a potentially disastrous idea over and over in my head, contemplating it as I stare deeply into her eyes. They shift down to her full, pink lips, studying them.

As I lean in, my finger her chin up towards me and place my lips on hers, I can hear my heart in my ears. It's even more amazing than I thought it would be. I've never felt this with anyone before, not Pansy or any other girl I've snogged. I feel as if I can't breathe. I'm kissing the girl I've been hopelessly in love with since I was eleven. I'm kissing the one person I want to be kissing, but the one person I'm not supposed to. I move my hand into her hair as begin to feel her kiss me back. It causes my eyes to slightly open in surprise. Was she actually interested in me? Or was I just hallucinating? I shut my eyes and save all questioning for later, allowing myself to savor the moment. I needed to know, I needed to remember, how it felt to have her lips on mine, just once.

We sit there, staring at each other, both of us still registering what just happened. Neither of us move nor say a single word. My lips tingle, longing to be back on hers. I can still taste her, trying to memorize how it felt. She wears a look as if to say, 'what have I done?'. As she holds her bottom lip, I can see a guilty look spread across her face, making me even more unsure of my decision than I was before. I shouldn't act on impulse, especially now. This was dangerous and stupid.

My heart is still pounding out of my chest, becoming more erratic the longer she looks guilty. She probably regrets it. I wouldn't blame her if she did, just look at who I am. I don't deserve her; I'm a horrible person. I was fool to think that she would be interested in me in the slightest. She was only being kind to me because that's who she is; I read too much into it. She breaks our eye contact and looks down at the ground, her breaths staggered. I swallow hard, trying to understand her expression.

I gather my things, knowing I won't be able to sit next to her in embarrassment for the next few hours pretending as if nothing had happened. As I stand up, she doesn't move a muscle, only her eyes watching me. She looks too deep in thought to be bothered to notice or say anything. As I turn around to leave, I hear her me call back, "Where are you going, Draco?" I turn back around to face her, her brown eyes filled with bewilderment. "Obviously there's a problem, so I'll just go." I snap, walking away quickly, leaving her alone on the grass.

She doesn't say anything else to me. She doesn't come after me or even try to stop me. She just lets me go, lets me leave her there, alone. A small part of me hoped that she would chase after me, but that hope grew smaller and smaller with every step I took. My heart sinks, still taking in what's happened. I'm a coward; I always have been. I shuffle my feet as I walk slowly towards the common room, so that I could shut myself up into my room.

I don't think I've ever felt this first degree of heartbreak before. It's never been so direct, so hurtful. It feels like a punch to the chest, one that knocks all air out of you, all of the strength. It took all the strength I had to even kiss her in the first place. I shouldn't have even done it. I don't really know what to do now. It all seems kind of pointless, empty.

Instead of going to dinner, I stand in the courtyard, watching the sunset as Katherine and I did what feels like ages ago. It doesn't seem quite as beautiful without her here, but it's peaceful nonetheless. I knew no one would bother me out here, or even know where to look. I was excited to see her earlier, but now all I want is to stay away, as to not cause myself anymore embarrassment. I can practically see her, telling Potter, Granger and Weasel about it, laughing together about what a fool Draco Malfoy really was to think that someone like Katherine Creswell would actually like him.

She was perfect; everything about her just seemed so perfect. The one ray of light left in my life and she didn't even know it. Without it, a whole new feeling of lost overwhelms me. It feels as if there's nothing left, as if my life is empty. The mark on my arm burns greatly, causing me to make a fist, holding back a groan. It's as if it knows what I'm feeling and is trying to amplify it.

I wish I could just fade away from this life, this world. I wouldn't seek my father's approval any longer. I wouldn't have to complete my task or do anything that the Dark Lord commands of me. The inkling of feelings for Katherine would dissolve into thin air. It would all just disappear and it would all be so much easier. I have no place in my own life anymore. I could just disappear and start over it would be so much simpler.

As I pace back and forth on the grass, I feel someone tap on my shoulder from behind. I turn around thinking that it would be Crabbe and Goyle or Pansy looking for me to go back down to the common room, but instead, I am taken aback by pair of soft lips on mine. I knew it wasn't Pansy from the moment she touched me; I never felt that when I kissed her. She was always abrasive, never this gentle, never so sweet-tasting. I freeze for a second before softening into it, placing a hand on the nape of her neck, knitting my fingers into her hair. Without thinking, I kiss her back, almost thinking that it wasn't real, that I was just imagining things. She gently sucks in my bottom lip, causing me to release a soft moan into her mouth. I pull her closer, needing to feel her body against mine.

When we part, I see Katherine standing before me, her cinnamon eyes glistening in the golden light. She bites her lip before speaking. She places her hand on my cheek, smiling guiltily. Her thumb strokes my jaw, sending chills down my spine. "I fancy you, Draco. That's the problem." She says nonchalantly before walking away, leaving me absolutely speechless.